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Will i ever wake up

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I have been "dating" this guy for four months. In the beginning he was so great and thoughtful, then one day he turned on me. He ignored my phone calls and acted really cold when we did finally talk. He even went as far as telling me that I could lose his number. I backed away and he begin to come around. I made the decision to relocate.

Because I do care about him, I ended my trip earlier and came home. However, I was able to find employment so I am going back shortly. Anyway, since I have been home we have been together more than we have ever been. We spend all of his nonworking hours together. He even told me that he loved me.

The problem is that I am haunted by his past poor behavior and the fact that I keep seeing text messages in his phone from other females. Not to mention the fact that he still professes love for his ex girlfriend that cheated on him. One night I was over his house and he started getting text messages. Later when I checked his phone messages (i know this is snooping), he was telling a girl that I would be going home soon and he would be over later to see her. Another day I read a message where he was planning to meet a girl at a club.

I haven't confronted him because I know I am wrong for going through his phone. I feel like my move is a way to just let this relationship (thru Match.com) go even if my heart doesn't want to. Is it still to early in the relationship (thru Match.com) to expect him to make all the other females disappear? I certainly don't think so if he "claims" he loves me. Will I ever wake up? Can you really love someone after only knowing them four months?..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Will I ever wake up.

Yes, it is possible to love someone after 4 months, but I don't see what you love about this guy. He is treating you horribly. You are in love with the person who he portrayed to you when you were first dating (online dating with Match.com) - not the person who he is today. He may say he loves you but his behavior says otherwise. I agree with him, lose his number...

Comment #1

People show us very early on exactly who they are and what they are about - he was cold, rude and just plain ugly to you. If someone said that to me - it would indeed be lost! Man! That said - you have a hundred red flags waving at you as to why you should have listened to what he told you previously - he is cold, disrespectful, deceitful and not a good guy or he would have treated you with kindness. You are choosing to buy the fantasy you have created of him and not the reality of him. What about dishonesty, disrespect adn deceit do you love - because this is who he is? Hon, you are sacrificing your self respect and self esteem to remain with this guy. YOu can't and don't trust him - he has no fear of losing you. He doesn't LOVE you because love is based on respect trust and shared values.

Staying with a man who has NO respect for you will cause you unnecessary pain and completely destroy your self esteem. Love yourself more than you love the man - he is nothing but heartache for you.I do understand not wanting to do something - but like parents have to make hard choices for their children sometimes, you have to do what is RIGHT rather than what you think you want. Just think really hard about what a genuine and loving relationship (thru Match.com) means to you - what quality and characteristics do you expect to be there? How does taht measure to what you have? Take your feelings out of the equation for a second - if you value honesty, commitment and kindness in a partner - HE'S NOT IT. if you value faithfulness and integrity - HE'S NOT IT. You do NOT love the man - you love your idea of him and his potential.

When YOU decide that your happiness and emotional well being is worth more than this crap - you will walk away. There is an old tale about snakes - some people wouldn't know a snake from a blade of grass - adn they never know what it was that bit them. Some people do know what snakes are -but they think they can handle playing with them and get surprised when they doget bitten. And some people know what snakes are and make the choice to not get anywhere near them. You are playing with a 'snake' - and he will bite you.

Toni..

Comment #2

Hi onlyoneme80,.

You will wake up when you are ready to wake up....probably when it's so painful that you don't have a choice but to see the situation or the way it instead of being in denial..

Re-read your post, better yet, I'll break it down for you and hope you can see......

::I have been "dating" this guy for four months. In the beginning he was so great and thoughtful, then one day he turned on me.

The first few months of a relationship (thru Match.com) is the honeymoon stage, everyone putting their best foot forward, wanting to make a good impression..

::He ignored my phone calls and acted really cold when we did finally talk. He even went as far as telling me that I could lose his number. I backed away and he begin to come around.

Hence, you stopped chasing and let go.  However, he now wants what he can't have..

:: However, I was able to find employment so I am going back shortly.

Smart move..

::The problem is that I am haunted by his past poor behavior and the fact that I keep seeing text messages in his phone from other females. Not to mention the fact that he still professes love for his ex girlfriend that cheated on him. One night I was over his house and he started getting text messages. Later when I checked his phone messages (i know this is snooping), he was telling a girl that I would be going home soon and he would be over later to see her. Another day I read a message where he was planning to meet a girl at a club. This list of things goes on.

So by saying nothing, you are really letting him get away with this kind of behavior. .

::I feel like my move is a way to just let this relationship (thru Match.com) go even if my heart doesn't want to.

But are you really going to?  I mean what if he keeps calling etc begging you back again?.

::Is it still to early in the relationship (thru Match.com) to expect him to make all the other females disappear?.

It's not too early if both people in the relationship (thru Match.com) has had an 'exclusive' talk...however, if you are sleeping with him you have had some kind of conversation about seeing or dating (online dating with Match.com) others....if you haven't why not?  I hope you have used protection...

Comment #3

I had my boyfriend of several months do a disappering act. It sounds like this guy likes to play. He's got women all over the place and the sure think...you. Don't let him treat you like this. He will bolt and dissapper as soon as anything gets difficult for him (ex. you ask for respect and consideration).

I dumped my ex over the phone (left a message) since he would never answer my calls. I basically said that I was that he wasn't who I thought he was and that it was over and never call me again (I knew he wouldn't). Later I ran into him on the street and he wanted to "apologize about how things played out" I said a few things to him and ended it by saying I had nothing more to say and walked away. He is moving away this weekend and I have two dates, plus I get to keep his drill since he is too much of a coward to come by and get it. I am 5 feet tall, who would think a guy would be so scared of little old me?? :0)..

Comment #4

He told you that you could lose his number? What! I'm sorry but his behavior was dispicable, I would find it difficult to trust him, and the other things you are mentioning just go along with that image - he "love" you but is texting other girls.

 .

It's only been 4 months, you're not in too deep. Go with your gut on this one and find someone trustworthy.

,..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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