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Why when I type match.com it does not open. It is a blank screen and in the left bottom Corner it sa

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My first question is: Why when I type match.com it does not open. It is a blank screen and in the left bottom Corner it sa.

My next question is:  .

Hi All.

I am coming to IVillage because I have gotten great input in the past on several other boards throughout this site.  I know this is long, but my thoughts are racing and objective input from 3rd parties who don't know me would be greatly appreciated..

I am 32 yrs old and find myself in a dilemma as I am sure many on here have....my longest relationship (thru Match.com) has been 6 years, so I don't feel I have committment issues, just really confused about what to do about a few things.....

My current bf and I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) for close to 4 years.  We broke up last year for about 8 months and despite the shock and heartache I went through, I took him back when he asked..

During those 8 months, I met a man who was very thought provoking, loving, and excellent in most ALL of the areas I feel are of importance:  financial know how, wonderful vocabulary, and I could tell he would make a great father.   I was very cautious about trusting my thoughts on this man b/c I know how we can all have rose colored glasses when we've been hurt.  I met him about 3 mos after my breakup, so I was skittish.  I tell you though, it was like this guy had a script of darn near everything I wished for and needed.  I don't all mean to give the impression this guy was perfect.  But he exposed me to things that I never even knew were important and valuable to me before I met him. .

Fast fwd about 4 months, and this guy started having some $ challenges and actually started taking himself out of the picture..

<<< Enter the Ex>>>  He and I have almost the same birthday, and he started contacting me periodically until we finally met up on his birthday, just to hash things out and see how everything is going with one another..

About a month later, I reunite with my ex (now current bf) and meet up with the 'rebound' to tell him I can't see him anymore and why.  He takes it OK and I leave him alone b/c I don't want to stand in the way of him meeting someone wonderful.  The craziest thing though, is that during the time I dated rebound, I actually had thoughts of thinking he would make a great husband and father but like I said, I felt like I couldn't TRUST my thinking or feeling due to the breakup 3 mos prior..

I could go on and on about this, but don't want to put anyone to sleep.

As in the very beginning of when I became exclusive the 1st time with my current bf, he rushed me this time around as well, and yes, I know I let him. .

After being back with my ex for 5 mos and talking randomly with the 'rebound', I am starting to recognize that my read on the rebound actually may NOT have been tainted by my breakup.  He has wanted to remain friends and stay close, but I have kept him at arm's length b/c I don't want bad karma, and want things to be honorable..

However, I find myself missing him ALOT.....how is that possible? We only dated for 5 mos, but we seem so much more compatible...I have even gone so far as to make a pro and con list on both of them..

Financial stability, intellect, and ability to provide are all stronger on the rebound's side than my current bf.  I love my currenty bf very very much, but I have concerns about his future stability and security.  To add fuel to the fire, we had a discussion over the wknd about our belief system and my current bf was raised a Jehovah Witness, though he wasn't baptized and doesn't practice.  I was raised Christian and want my children to be raised with the principles I had growing up and if they want to explore later when they are older, that is fine.  I just don't want them to be confused.  Suffice to say, I want to tell my children about heaven & hell, but he says he will plead the 5th on that b/c he was raised that there isn't and he doesn't want to 'lie to them'..

In the past, my thoughts have been very fleeting about this sort of topic, but this is really sticking with me, on the 5th day of evaluation.  I want to settle down and start building my life with someone soon, am I just crazy?.

Very sad and shaky now..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Why when I type match.com it does not open. It is a blank screen and in the left bottom Corner it sa.

You didnt date using Match.com mr. rebound long enough to tell if the song and dance he was performing for you was real or not so be very careful. .

I wouldnt base anything like children and marriage on knowing him for the length of time you did.  I have never thought about marriage with anyone I casually dated or was attracted to except for the two exhusbands I did marry - and that is normal for me...maybe not for everyone. .

My mind doesnt go there (marriage) with every guy - even if they think they put a spell on me, hehehe - what idiots!  Magic spells dont work - but the habits and practices of the people who do craft spells is very very very predictable - especially when they call themselves "the good witch", hehehe.  She's a fraud and hopefully someone will put her in jail one day - maybe a nice psychiatric jail...cozy.  The only reason I say that is because the last guy who laid claim to me (how dark ages, right?) actually believed in black magic and from what I have deduced paid a witch to cast a spell on me to fall in love with him and want to marry him - when I dont have a high interest in marriage. He doesnt like independent women because he is an insecure child.   *sigh* what fools men are!  I had to bait him and lure him to me and make him feel that he had the control in order for the world to see that he was absolutely no good - even if I got hurt in the process because it would protect me in the future.  It is so exhausting outing bad guys.  How did I figure it out?...my mother...she exposed what he did to me (better yet tried to do to me with a witch) without realizing she exposed it...by talking about "marriage".  I think she misinterpreted my reaction to it (that I thought of marriage with the sociopath) - silence - when I only was secretly gloating that she made a tactical error and I told her what I have told her for years - not interested in marriage right now - if ever.  ANd that is the truth.  But I think half the time she is looney and believes in this magic crap..

And my second exhusband was a total con job - he led me to believe that he was nice, normal and good and kind - and he turned out to be anything but those things.  I made a mistake in marrying him.  If I had known what was waiting for me I would have never dated him, let alone marry the a$$ - that would have been stupid and I am not stupid..

So....so much for guys having the perfect script in order to woo you.  Learn from the two idiots mentioned above.  If I do have an interest in someone ( for real)  in the future, I wont be baiting him or luring him or overly expressing an interest in him because I would want him to see a difference in my behavior so he wouldnt be too scared of me.  I had to do what I had to do previously to expose a dangerous man.  So, I'll let him come to me...that is...if anyone is interested in me.  Life is such a jungle..

However, if mr. rebound has affected your feelings, thoughts and values and criteria (in general) about what you want out of life...then you need to explore that further. .

By remaining friends with your rebound ex...it has gotten in the way of you actually fully reconciling with your current BF. .

If you really want to see if you and your BF are a good match, you need to discontinue your contact with rebound because he will always form a wedge between you and your BF.  There is no bad karma in cutting ties with an ex because in reality it is actually the healthy thing for you to do.  How else are you to really discover how you feel about your BF?  If you have contact or date using Match.com more than one guy at a time things can get muddy.  If you really want to talk about being honorable ... mr. rebound should display some honor and stop contacting you.  He is behaving selfishly..

I know you are confused and the only thing I can suggest is to examine each guy with complete focus..

I wish you much luck...

Comment #1

Hi Snafu~~~.

I am an EXTREMELY skeptical girly when it comes to guys. Interesting pieces about spells and what not.  I did not contact the rebound nor did I hear from him for about 2 months after I told him I could no longer see him ...also, I hate hate HATE to have to set the record str8, but we are about 60/40 on the contact part...esp in the past wk....I will also say that he has gone out of his way to be platonic and I don't know, he could be a major gamer, but from what I know of him, he wouldn't do anything to have anything to do with trouble in my relationship (thru Match.com) on his hands..

Independent of the rebound (RB), my current bf (who broke up with me last year btw), has been having extensive issues with his own business that is making me really concerned about his stability in the future.  He is an AWESOME guy in most other ways but he lacks an ability to be consistent with managing his business, to the point he has almost had to declare bankruptcy and other financial 'traumas'.  When he told me of these things, he said he didn't want me to worry that things would always be like this with him, but I am uneasy with how challenged he is in good decision-making-from understanding how finances flow in a business, to being quite gullible and trustworthy (lacks an ability to smell BS)..

These traits and conclusions are just becoming more prominent with the recent problems he has had.  I have more but will stop here for now, just wanted to give a bit more info..

 .

Keep it coming.

 ..

Comment #2

"lacks an ability to be consistent with managing his business, to the point he has almost had to declare bankruptcy and other financial 'traumas'.  When he told me of these things, he said he didn't want me to worry that things would always be like this with him, but I am uneasy with how challenged he is in good decision-making-from understanding how finances flow in a business, to being quite gullible and trustworthy (lacks an ability to smell BS).".

Oh...I can see why you have doubts about him. I would too if I were you.  And there is so much b.s. in this world that you really need to develop your instincts.  I can see how someone who is more accomplished in this manner would impress you.  Just be careful because when a man wants to be "friends" it means that they hope for more,but will settle for friends for now..

The spells thing...when a man is desperate to get *what* he wants (note I didnt say *who* because to some I am only a thing, not a person)...they will stoop way below what is respectable - probably because they dont like themselves very much.  And now I can see why he didnt like himself...he's a phoney and a liar.  Some people would actually find what he did romantic...ugh ((shudder)).  Those women are very misguided and obviously see themselves as things instead of people. .

If you see that your ex is not right for you and mr. rebound is right for you...then you need to follow your gut and your heart.  No sense going through life unhappy, right?..

Comment #3

Welcome to the board.  We're glad you posted!.

 .

One thing I noticed is that you don't mention that you trust your current bf or the rebound.  Why is it so hard to trust.  I totally understand that it can be hard to trust.  I've been through some stuff that shook me pretty hard and I'm still working on the trust part.  I take one day at a time..

If you don't think you can spend the rest of your life with your bf, then you should be honest with him and yourself.  One thing before you decide - money isn't everything.  Just because your bf has a little financial trouble right now doesn't mean that it will last forever. .

What else do you like about rebound besides that he has financial know how and being able to provide for you?.

I'm honestly not sure what to tell you, but only you can make this decision and taking the risk to trust someone if hard..

I wish you the best,.

Kristie.

 .

           ..

Comment #4

You all are awesome...thank you so much for your input, truly..

Let's see....trust....the trust issues I have re the current bf is related mostly to his ability to provide stability and have his financial wits about him.  He is about to be in his busy season so I will be taking the time and not rushing to any conclusions right here and now.  I want to see how he fares with his ability to get out of this current downturn and go from there.  I know $ isn't everything, never has been for me.  I love him very deeply and want to be with him but I have also been very upfront with him that he has to get it together b/c I can't see marrying him, managing a career of my own that is quite demanding, and raising a child if I have to constantly worry if he is going to pull through, does that make sense?  I know many women do it every day, but I am talking strictly of his ability to develop this business sense..

It is strange though b/c I have never felt I had a clock ticking but I am now 32 and have all of a sudden become keenly aware of all of these issues and my assessing has kicked into high gear..

What else I like about the rebound......*smile*, he is very well read, an intellectual equal with conversations, shares the same beliefs I do (ie Heaven & Hell), and is very very supportive.  He has a wide array of experience that many people his age (31) wouldn't dream of, both good and bad.  He has seen many things in his days and seems to be quite wise..

Interesting comment on the guys wanting to stay 'friends' hoping it will turn into something more later.....

In sum, they are quite evenly matched in terms of how supportive and giving they both are, except the rebound comes out ahead with ability to manage finances and general life experience....

I am processing all of this....please keep up the excellent insight..

Cheers..

Comment #5

Ok, I agree with snafu in that you do not know rebound guy well enough REALLY know KNOW that he'd be compatible with you in the long term ... you know the surface level ... it SEEMS like he'd be a good provider, etc etc ... but, you didn't have an extensive enough relationship (thru Match.com) with him to even put him in the equation..

So, this is easy ... take him out of the equation..

What you REALLY need to be doing is evaluating your current relationship (thru Match.com) and decide whether or not he is the man for you ... independent of RB guy.  Take RB guy out of the picture and it simplies this quite a bit..

Any time I see someone vacillating between two people ... I always say "where/who is your primary relationship?" and focus on THAT.  Not on who you think your relationship (thru Match.com) should be with ... but, focus on whether or not that primary relationship (thru Match.com) is really the one for you.

And, more importantly than that ... focus on your relationship (thru Match.com) with yourself!  Its up to  you and you alone to know what you truly value in life, what you are looking for in a partner, what you bring to the table as a partner ... and you focusing on looking for that..

Perhaps neither of these men is going to fill that role.    Sadly, you are comparing them like putting a line down the middle of a page and saying "this one has this, but that one has that.".

STOP THAT!.

Its unfair and it puts the onus on one of them to provide for you what you afraid you will not receive.   Give yourself what you need, find it in yourself and focus on having a relationship (thru Match.com) ONLY if you can have a relationship (thru Match.com) as a complement to your life not as a completion to something else that is lacking.  .

I can understand looking for common values, etc ... that is important ... areas of finances, religion ... all very important things ... and what I'm seeing is that maybe NEITHER of these men are in alignment with you in that regard.   It certainly doesn't sound like you a) trust your BF's 'ability to provide' and b) he is not Christian so you will NOT be raising children the same way.   So, sounds like you already have your answer there in terms of long-term potential..

As well, you do not REALLY KNOW if RB guy 'comes out ahead' in his ability to manage finances, etc.   You only know what you think you know based on your limited 5-month experience with him.    I've known plenty of people who made good money but were actually in a lot of debt (myself included, lessons learned ... from outside looking in ... nobody would have known that I was actually struggling financially as much as I was).    And, you haven't had a relationship (thru Match.com) with him that was seriousness to really know what you THINK you know.  .

However, if you think it is in your best interest to give it a try with RB guy ... then, for everyone's sake ... please make a clean break with your current BF ... and then, take some time on your own to recoup..

Good luck!  .

 .

 ..

Comment #6

"but I am talking strictly of his ability to develop this business sense.".

Sorry, but there are some things in life you either got it or you dont - instincts, talents, sense or smarts...either you got it or you dont..

"What else I like about the rebound......*smile*, he is very well read, an intellectual equal with conversations, shares the same beliefs I do (ie Heaven & Hell), and is very very supportive.  He has a wide array of experience that many people his age (31) wouldn't dream of, both good and bad.  He has seen many things in his days and seems to be quite wise.".

I cant tell you feel he is very dreamy.   I believe that in order for me to love a man I have to admire him in some way so I can understand your feelings..

Why wait for "hoping it will turn into something more later"?  Why not go for it now?  What are you waiting for?..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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