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Why is he still talking to his ex...?

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Hello,I am in a fairly new relationship (thru Match.com) (3 months) and we started going out only about 2-3 months after he broke up with his ex (it was a LDR). I knew that they were still talking and even though I didn't like it, I didn't object because I didn't think I had the rights to do that.About a month ago, she cried on the phone and wanted to get back together. I wasn't happy about it but he told me that he said no to her and that he was happy with me and said this would be the last time he'd have to deal with it. Few days ago, we were talking about something which made me ask if he was still talking to her and he said yes. He said they've talked over email and it sounded like they had exchanged emails either that day or the day before and they talk fairly often. I don't understand why he's still talking to her and he doesn't understand why it's bothering me.

(But the thing is, she IS dating (online dating with Match.com) someone now and also was when she wanted to get back together with my bf...!) But he says he doesn't want to hurt her anymore than he already has and doesn't want to be a jerk to her. This hurts me as I feel that he's putting her feelings before mine. I think that it shouldn't matter whether he understands why it bothers me or not, the important thing is that it is bothering me. And I believe that it's better to be mean and cut things off than let someone hang around with hopes which, I think, is a meaner thing to do. This is all I can think about now.

I'm at the point where I feel that I don't want to deal with this frustration but at the same time, I don't want to push it. I care about him a lot and I feel really bad that this is causing problems for us. A better person would just trust him and let it go and it frustrates me that I can't do that. But I've gone through a similar problem in my previous relationship (thru Match.com) where the ex-gf bugged us for over 1.5 years. I keep remembering back to that and think "I don't want to go through it again."What should I do? How do I get over this? Am I making a big deal out of something so little? I don't know if I should go as far as worry that he might still have feelings for her but I'm starting to wonder..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Why is he still talking to his ex...?.

"A better person would just trust him and let it go and it frustrates me that I can't do that." > that is not true. You are wise to expect that your BF come to the relationship (thru Match.com) free of baggage."This hurts me as I feel that he's putting her feelings before mine."> no..he is putting HIS feelings before you. Please try to see this clearly. He is getting attention from 2 women who both want him. Justice would be that he gets NEITHER of you. Since he is being selfish so early in the relationship (thru Match.com) and...you have already spoken to him a few times about this...you have two choices: 1)you accept your situation..as is or 2) you leave.

It could be that he is narcissistic, callous, selfish, game playing and so on.I lose interest in someone like this pretty quickly. I am not about to whine, grovel, beg or plead for someone to do the right thing. If he cant recognize it then he is not someone who I consider a good match for me. A good BF will realize that a successful relationship (thru Match.com) has only two parties..you and him, with no excess baggage. I have found that cutting ties with exes really helps in getting over them and moving on...

Comment #1

I agree with Snafu.A little perspective - the reason you are bothered is because she still has feelings for him and it's inappropriate for him to associate with someone when he KNOWS she still has feelings for him. He must enjoy the attention or he'd gently tell her that he's in a relationship (thru Match.com) now and that it's best that they cut off contact until a time when they can be strictly friends with no romantic feelings on either side. Sounds like he got into a new relationship (thru Match.com) too quickly, before he let the other relationship (thru Match.com) go entirely.You may want to rethink this relationship...

Comment #2

Hi,Question for you...Are you just dating (online dating with Match.com) or have you had the exclusive talk?Just dating (online dating with Match.com) - he can see or talk to whomever he wants, as can you. He owes you no explanation and you don't have a right to grill him about it. Exclusive - If you have told him your concerns and he doesn't want to work on it with you then you need to step back and decide if you want him like he is. If not then let him go.Slow down it has only been 3 months and he was only out of his relationship (thru Match.com) 2-3 months before that, he is probably not ready for another serious relationship. Are you truly over the last relationship (thru Match.com) and what you had to deal with? If you are not then you need to work on that. Don't make him pay for what happened in your last relationship.

Good luck...

Comment #3

Hi there, thanks for your reply. I agree that cutting ties with exes is the best thing to do to move on and I have done that with my exes so I guess I am having harder time understanding his views. I don't like either of your choices, haha! But I suppose there isn't really any more options. Thanks.....

Comment #4

You are absolutely right. That is exactly why I'm bothered... It's not even me worrying about whether he wants to get back together with her. It's the fact that he's still letting her have hopes and think I'm overreacting for thinking that it's inappropriate.I really do think that he cares for me a lot and he's been such a great person so far and that is why this new revelation is even more disappointing for me...

Comment #5

We are dating (online dating with Match.com) exclusively. He says even though it'd only been 2-3 months since the breakup it was over even before it was over because there were so many problems and they were doing long distance. The relationship (thru Match.com) I talked about was over more than 2 years ago. It was just one of my past relationships.Thanks for your reply...

Comment #6

"It's the fact that he's still letting her have hopes and think I'm overreacting for thinking that it's inappropriate.> it's both..he is being inconsiderate of you and her."I really do think that he cares for me a lot and he's been such a great person so far and that is why this new revelation is even more disappointing for me." > if he cared for you a lot, then he would take your feelings into consideration. Care and love have a great deal to do with mutual respect. If he doesn't feel that he is doing anything "wrong" to either woman, then his value system in not in line with yours. If your value systems are not cohesive then there will be other situations where he may disregard your feelings.To really see the big picture, you might want to discuss with him other situations and areas of life. Then you can determine whether or not he is right for you long term. You can talk about news stories on tv or stories on Dr.

3 months doesn't give a full picture of what is to come from a person sometimes. You might want to see if you and he would handle certain critical situations differently...

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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