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Why do you think people are always looking for the internet for love. ie. match .com?

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My first question is: Why do you think people are always looking for the internet for love. ie. match .com?.

My next question is: I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) somebody for a few months.  Things started out great, or so I thought. Looking back, there may have been some red flags..

From the very beginning, he was very into me, calling me, texting me, etc.  I had no doubts that he was into me.  About a month into it, I had a girls night out, and I got some texts that were troubling.  he had been drinking and was very insecure, and needy, and talking about how he is into this more than me, etc.  Ultimately, things resolved and we were ok and we moved on from it.  He sent me flowers and I said thank you, they were so thoughtful and pretty, but I didn't act excited enough (whatever that means).   He sent me a text saying see you tonight and I guess I didn't act excited enough in the email.  He sent me texts immediately after I left his side saying miss you these are things that at the time, didn't seem that odd, but now, early red flags..

He said I love you very early and I wouldn't say it back b/c it was just too early, which I tried to tell him.  Then, I had to go away from the weekend, and he was out with friend, drinking, and I got another round of texts saying this is one-sided, I don't love him, etc.  It was as if he forced me to say I love you, which I wasn't sure if I felt it or not. I said it just to appease him, which wasn't the right thing to do. .

About a week later, was x-mas, and I was away for a week plans that I already made well before I met him.  2 or 3 days into, I got an email about how he is going to talk to me for the entire week I basically responded, whatever, do whatever you want.  Of course, that didn't last.  a few days later, I got a drunken phone call from him and he was very mean. I ended up hanging up on him.  The next morning, I called I'm first thing, we talked about it, and all was ok..

I was back in town for a week ad things were good. But, then another phone drunken phone call. During this phone call and the previous one, he said, good luck to you, etc., as if he was breaking up with me.  Each time I said, is that what you want, and each time he said no.  This phone call was bad and I ended up hanging up on him. The enxt day, I reached out, and we talked about and I basically told him that I do not approve the excessive drinking and that I will not accept his phone calls in that state..

The following week, I happen to be with him when the drunken stupor happen.  He ended up packing his backs and saying he was leaving.  I didn't stop him.  He ended up passing out on the couch.  The next morning, we talked, but things were really not great.  That morning, I found a shirt that I bought him for x-mas completely torn in half..

Monday and Tuesday (of last week) we exchanged some emails that were not great. Initially they were how this is one sided, he cannot win with me, he does little things for me, like clean my place and I don't show him any appreciation (other than me saying thank you and hugging him and telling how nice it was???). I made plans with a friend of mine and he got mad for not checking with him and how clearly all I think about is myself.  More of the same on Tuesday and I ended it.   Its been a serious of negative issues since x-Xmas and I couldn't take it anymore..

He initially got angry and told me not to talk to him again. then, I got flowers and little present and begged to see me, to try and work this out. I told him that I didn't think I could, but I would meet up with him.  We did that and talked, and he convinced me to give him another chance. he said he has never been like this before in a relationship, that he loves me so much and it scares him, and he is not sure why he has acted like this. Please give him one more chance, etc..

That was last week.  Since then, things have been ok. He has vowed to change, but I have this incredible anxiety. I feel like I am being suffocated and I cannot breathe.  I go up and down and all over the place.  Part of me wants to be with him and think he can change this is a small part. Most of the time, I want out. .

I have never ever had to end something with somebody when the other person wants this so bad and keep saying he wants to change for me.   Part of me feels like this is all manipulation and the other part feels like my relationship (thru Match.com) anxieties are coming back.  I know I have every right to feel anxious given what has happened and all of my friends, in telling them what has happened over the last few weeks have said, "run".

I am not sure if he is an alcoholic I think he abuses it, but may not be addicted to it.  .

We are suppose to get together another this weekend and thought makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat.  I don't want to hurt him but at the same time, I don't believe that he will change, and don't know if I even want to see. .

I just wanted an outside opinion on this stuff.  there are some good things.  We do have a good time together. We do laugh a lot. He is so supportive of me and what I do and there is just no judgments at all. .

I'm jut sad and not sure what to do...

Comments (10)

Your question was: Why do you think people are always looking for the internet for love. ie. match .com?.

Run! That's the best advice I can give you. You will never be happy with this guy. He won't 'change' until he works out his issues. And be careful..some guys who act like this can get violent..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #1

He's not going to change...if anything, his needy, insecure behavior will get worse.  Unless you are somehow ok with that, it's time to move on..

Plus on top of that he's got a drinking problem????  Yikes!.

Time to end it once and for all.  And not to freak you out but this is the type of guy who could turn into a bit of a stalker so be a little extra cautious once you've ended it, and if he starts to show any signs of dangerous behavior such as showing up at your house, don't hesitate to get the police involved..

Sheri..

Comment #2

I know......I believe what everybody is saying. Its the same thing my friends are telling me.  I feel bad for the guy and I don't want to hurt him that is the social worker in me.   I am a pretty confident person and so his rants do not make me think it's my fault at all, but some of his behavior could be borderline mentally abusive.  And it's like now we are in the honeymoon phase, showing with gifts, and compliments, etc.  I recognize all of this. I feel like I am just a total chicken and cannot say it.  But, I know I need to and hopefully will this weekend, when I see him again.  The thought of hurting somebody makes me feel sad.  What is wrong with me? I have always been a selfless person, but, usually stand up for myself very very well, and I have in this relationship, but just saying the words, I cannot do this anymore......why is it sooo hard..

Im worried. Im worried what he'll do when I say, I cannot do this..

Im woried beacuse I was stupid enough to give him a key one day when I had to work late and he was going to let out my dog. Im worried that he'll do something to my dog. .

I guess I just need to get the locks changed and be done with it..

I feel like he could stalk via phone.  when I hung up on him, he called me about 20 times in 5 minutes.  Just repeatedly.  I turned it off..

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Comment #3

It sounds like the two of you are not right for each other..

"It was as if he forced me to say I love you, which I wasn't sure if I felt it or not. I said it just to appease him, which wasn't the right thing to do.  "   > this is where the glitch occured..

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Comment #4

OK...with that additional information, I'm going to urge you to first change your locks, then break up with him over the phone rather than in person.  That might be an excess of caution, but I think you're much better off safe than sorry..

I would have a friend come and sit with you while you make the call for moral support and write out some notes of what you want to say.  Be decisive in your language.  If he tries to argue, come up with a line or two in advance that you can use, such as "I'm sorry, I've made my decision and it's not open for discussion".  And get off the phone relatively quickly...don't let him draw you into a long, emotional talk..

The sooner you rip off the bandaid, the better.  It's never fun to dump someone but it doesn't do either of you any good to continue something that you know isn't working.  Be firm but be kind...there's no need to say anything negative about him, just say that you've given it a lot of thought and it's not working for you..

Good luck and let us know how it goes..

Sheri.

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Comment #5

<< I am not sure if he is an alcoholic I think he abuses it, but may not be addicted to it.  >>.

RUN ... don't walk!  I was with an alcoholic for nearly 5 years (several of those years he was in recovery, but at that point, I felt too "trapped" in the relationship (thru Match.com) to leave ... I waited until I knew he was ok) ... anyway, so many of the things you're describing have alcoholic written all over it..

He may not even be sure he's an alcoholic.   Most are in denial and don't admit it ... even if they do know it.  .

And hon, even if he isn't ... at the very least, the guy abuses alcohol.   Are these behaviors acceptable?  No!  So, him being an alcoholic or not really isn't the point.  The point is ... what do YOU want for yourself?.

Run.  Don't walk. Run. .

Trust your instincts.    Seriously.   .

I kid you not ... I can look back at that moment many years ago where I knew I should have bowed out ... but, I didn't.  It was about 2 months into us dating ... and I came over to his place for dinner ... and he was passed out on his couch.   The Chinese food he picked up for us was sitting on his porch (like he'd dropped it there).  .

When I discovered him on the couch, pretty much unresponsive ... I left.  Put the food on the table and left.  BUT ... about 5 minutes after leaving ... I turned around and went back.  Why?  I felt bad.    Like, maybe he needed someone there (when he woke up).   Did he need to talk about whatever was bothering him so much to drink into passing out?.

And why did I do that?   Well, because I was one of those types who was always putting everyone else first.  Proverbial people pleaser..

Well, no more.  This was many years ago ... but, I've since grown into a person who takes care of her own needs and wants first.  I've learned that that isn't selfish, it's self-care.   And I've learned ... when people show you who they are ... believe them!    Don't think you can change him or fix him.  You can't.  Only HE can do that for himself.

The next day "I'm sorry" and flowers ... oh boy, that's a familiar tune.   If you stay with him ... get used to it.    I used to say like a broken record ... "I don't care about I'm sorry anymore ... what I want is for you to not do those things that you need to be sorry about it!".

But, in a state of being drunk or emotionally out-of-control ... they don't have the ability to check themselves.   It's always the realization hours later ... or the next day.  .

Oh, and the pledges to change.  Don't even get me started.  And even when they do get sober ... believe me, it's not better.  I don't have time here to go into what a "dry drunk" is like.  Except to say, the drunken drunk is better!  At least that person was sometimes fun to be around, ha!.

It wasn't until he was about 2 years recovered that our relationship (thru Match.com) even-keeled ... and at that point, I had nothing left to give.  My well was dry.  I left like "ok, now that he's ok ... I can free myself from this.".

Only difference between this guy and my ex-BF, from what you described, is that this guy sounds a lot more clingy/possessive than my ex was.  He didn't get clingy until later in the relationship (thru Match.com) ... when he really felt like he was losing me.  Then, he would resort to mean remarks.  If I was going out with friends, he'd say things like "you look like a slut" (even though I didn't own anything that even looked remotely slutty ... and this was when he was sober). .

In hindsight, I know it was his resent talking ... he wasn't going out and having a good time with friends ... but, at that point, I'd stayed home long enough ... stopped going out with friends because HE couldn't go to bars,etc ...we often didn't even go to friend's houses for playing cards or BBQs because he'd lost his "social skills" without being able to drink ... he was no longer the "fun guy" ... he didn't know how to be around people drinking...

So, he just wouldn't go ... so, then ... I'd feel bad and I wouldn't go.    But, I got to a point where I no longer felt guilty .. and he hated that.

I'll tell you what ... by the end of that relationship (thru Match.com) ... I was numb.   I'd been called every name in the book ... never physically abused ... but, emotionally battered.   I didn't know that that was abuse.   And at that point, was so desensitized to it ... that, basically, my spirit was just broken. .

Spare yourself all the grief and drama that will come to you if you stay with a guy like this, ok?   Get out now..

( ** FWIW, my ex and I are friends ...there's no hard feelings ... he's been sober and in recovery for oh, 8 years now ... so, he is indeed now a changed person ... we both are ... no regrets ... but, if I knew then what I know now ... I would have bailed the night I found him passed out on the couch ...

Edited 1/21/2009 7:16 pm ET by starbuck70..

Comment #6

Hi there!.

You sound like a great person who is emotionally stable and very secure.  I couldn't help but read your post and feel like I wrote it!  I was in a very similar situation and am also a very confident, strong woman.  I met a guy who I had a lot of fun with.  I hadn't been in a LTR since my divorce 2 years prior and was open to something.  I think I was pretty vulnerable.  A few months into it, I felt the same things you are feeling.  And something was telling me that I needed to give him a chance.  And I chose to look at all the positive things about him.  Well, about 4 months into our relationship, I was very busy trying to open my own business (and I have 2 kids) so I did not have much time to spare.  This was where he got more needy and pouted about it always being about me and that he was going to start doing his own thing, blah blah blah!  I can tell you, if the roles were reversed, I would have been very supportive and hoped that he could show me that same support someday.  He also used to say that he felt he was much more into this than I was and that he's used to the woman being needy and that it was different that I wasn't.  I learned he was very manipulative and knew what to say to try to make me feel obligated to do certain things for him.  He was jealous of my relationship (thru Match.com) with my kid's dad (we have a great co-parenting relationship)..

Shortly after I opened the business, he said we needed to talk and ended up saying we should take a break.  This was on his way to the bar to hang out with his friends.  He was very persistant that we needed to start this break now.  I said I'd like to talk about this in person.  He found a way to get angry with me and hung up on me.  We didn't talk for a week and he contacted me and wanted to talk.  I have no idea why I agreed!!!  Biggest mistake!  It was most likely for the same reason you are feeling, because I cared for him and thought I should hear him out.  I think he is genuinely a good person, but he was neglected and emotionally abused as a child and has some major psychological work to do for himself..

Needless to say, we got back together and spent another 8 months in an emotion rollercoaster.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive.  None of my friends liked him and we even broke up and got back together a few more times!!!  I look back and wonder WTF was I thinking?!?!  I am so much more emotionally stable and better than that!  I hit my limit one night when he was upset because I don't cook meals for him.  It seems like a minor thing, but I was pushed to my limits.  I screamed in his face and emotionally abused him!!  That is sooo not me, but I was very angry and hurt from all that he had done and said to me.  He left that night and other than getting some things later that were his, we haven't seen or spoke to each other..

I wasted a year of my life on this relationship.  And the only good I can take from it is that now I know first hand what to look for as red flags.  I know to listen to my instincts and that my well being is much more important than trying not to hurt someones feelings!.

Good luck with breaking it off.  That is definitely what you need to do.  I'm sure he won't make it easy and will try to manipulate you, but be strong and you will be very glad later!!!!..

Comment #7

Thank you all so much for your responses.   He has me all turned around now and don't know what is what.  Its like I know this is not my fault, I know that I am strong, independent and secure.   I keep trying to go back to the last few weeks...how horrible they were and thinking, ok, that is who he is.  Not this guy who is trying to do what he can to make me feel better, wbo is doing all of these little things for me. .

 Thank you all for your kinds words and encouragement.  I just need to start thinking of myself more and less about others feelings. .

 .

Ill keep you posted..

Comment #8

 .

Yes there are definitely red flags here.  It seems like he needs help... but he has to be willing to seek it.  State your worries, maybe it will be the beginning of a wake up call for him but it seems like you need to protect yourself here and not put yourself out there for abuse and pain.

,..

Comment #9

<< I keep trying to go back to the last few weeks...how horrible they were and thinking, ok, that is who he is.  Not this guy who is trying to do what he can to make me feel better, wbo is doing all of these little things for me.   >>.

One word:  Manipulation..

That's all it is.

Look ... this isn't hard.  In fact, it's only as difficult as YOU make it out to be.  You haven't been with him for that long.  You don't have any signficant attachments or enmeshements (ie, you don't live together, have a dog together or any of that)..

So, tough love time here ... but, if you are as strong, independent and secure as you say you are ... then, JUST LEAVE!   Don't allow yourself to be manipulated.  Otherwise, you aren't the things you are saying you are..

I'd say "good luck" ... but, you don't need luck.   You need to be decisive and firm...

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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