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Why do I keep doing this?

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I apologize in advance for being so lengthy! So, here's the deal. Currently, I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) my bf for about 7 months, now. We get along great for the most part. Just recently we told each other that we loved one another. He's 30, I'm 23. I realize that he has dated more girls than I have dated guys because of the age difference.

I guess he's only had 2 serious relationships before me, each one lasting a little over two years. One of his exes, he doesn't talk to really at all, as she has her own bf. However, the other one, on the other hand, he has known for about seven years. He broke up with her 5 years ago. They still keep in touch, but he only considers her a friend, as he's mentioned how after they even broke up she would offer him ideas as to where to take girls on dates, help set him up on dates, etc.

OK, fine. And yes, once again, they've been broken up for almost five years. Neither one wanting to get back together with one another. Then what is my problem, you ask? I'm not really sure. When him and I first started dating, I noticed a picture of them up together on his Myspace page.

I asked him about it when I saw it after we started dating, and he said that he considered her one of his good friends only, and it was also only one of the pictures that he had that was digital of himself that he could post. When I mentioned that it bothered me after I saw it, he took it down immediately. In addition, about a month ago, another girl who he dated for about two months before he met me, randomly text him asking him if he wanted to go out for a drink. He told me that he did not respond to her text. When she asked again, he told her that he had a gf, and it would not be appropriate to meet up with her.

So, why do I have a problem with past girls that he's dated? He's never done anything to hurt me, I never would think he would, he is dating (online dating with Match.com) ME and only me, and there is no reason for me to suspect anything differently of him. In my past relationship, I did the same thing. I would over analyze the fact that my bf at the time had messed around with a girl, when we were not even dating (online dating with Match.com) yet, or even question him going on a date using Match.com with another girl before he met me, that I went to school with. My question is, why do I keep obsessing about guys that I date using Match.com pasts relationships? My current boyfriend has never done anything, and has even asked if my past bf has cheated on me. I feel that the more I continue this, I am going to push him away, as we've already had numerous fights over this.

I know that I need to accept the fact that there have been girls before me. I just wish that they would stay in his past, and not talk to them at all, which I know is selfish of me. He tells me over and over that the girls that he is friends with, or has had a past relationship (thru Match.com) with, he never wants to date, or date using Match.com again, and only considers them a friend. Please help me realize how stupid I'm being here! He hasn't done anything. He's an attractive guy that is friends with some women.

I have a feeling that it might be due to insecurity issues with myself as to why I'm obsessing about his past...Thanks for reading, and sorry so long!C..

Comments (13)

Your question was: Why do I keep doing this?.

Honestly, that's something that you'd need to work with a good counselor on. Yes, it's probably due to insecurity and trust issues, but only someone who works directly with you and learns your history could say specifcally why YOU are doing it and more importantly, help you work through whatever your issues are.I or anyone else can tell you that you shouldn't have a problem with it (and I really think you shouldn'tI have several exes as friends and we really are FRIENDSthere's nothing left in the romance dept any more) but that's not going to take away that terrible feeling you have in the pit of your stomach. I know that feeling because I used to have a problem with exes as friends but I no longer do because I worked through those issues.Sheri..

Comment #1

On this board you will receive a variety of opinions to your post. I am inclined to agree with you. I am a believer of once there is a break up there is no more contact between the two parties. No baggage, no worries, no hassles, no psychos, etc. There was only one time in my life I didn't and it had to do with my cat and business meetings and needing someone to watch after her. And I do regret it.Your values are different than his.

Generally when people have very close friends of the opposite sex they are to fill a void in one's life...lack of sex or romance. I have also witnessed people in mediocre relationships feeling okay about their relationships because they do have a friend of the opposite sex to flirt with on occasion and to fill whatever void is in their love relationship.If I am contemplating a serious, monogamous, exclusive relationship (thru Match.com) with someone, then we are going to have to see eye to eye on this issue. The only way this works as a friendship...a real friendship...is if neither is sexually attracted to the other AND they do not confide things in the other that is really meant for the SO ears. My first ex husband once called me because he wanted me to look at a house that he was contemplating buying. He and his then-current GF were going to live there.

He said that he always trusted my opinion and wanted me to see the house. I told him that I didnt' feel right about doing that because of his GF. Exes dont count as *friends* because they have already crossed the line - even one nighters, flings, affairs fall into this category of exes. Generally speaking exes who stay too close to the object of their affection really dont want to see her exBF do very well with another woman...probably hoping things can work out for her and him down the road. I feel this way because if I had a new guy in my life and things were going well...the last person I'm going to want to be in touch with is my ex.

Why complicate a relationship? They are already complicated. Sure...they are "friends" now, but give it a while, have a fight with the BF and she'll be comforting his boo boos. The next thing you know...you have a mess.In regards to your BF and the fact that you kind of wish he didn't have the number of exes that he has had - that is normal. I have never asked a man how many women he has slept with (because the volume really doesn't make them better lovers - contrary to their delicate male ego opinions...it just means that they need more STD testing, hehehe - it is the quality of our interactions that make us all better lovers) and no man has ever asked me how many I have slept with except for a conversation my 2nd ex husband and I got into once. I am territorial and I dont hide it from any man because if we cant agree on this issue in the beginning then there is no relationship.

That is another little rule of mine...we do not discuss our sexual pasts. I havent discussed with my friends and family each and every guy I slept with over the last 27 years and that has helped me in general in life. I dont discuss the exes with new BF's either because it is much cleaner that way and then he doesnt start imagining me with someone else in his mind. I have zero curiousity about any woman from any man's past. But I'm also 45 and have gone through what you have gone through when I was your age.

Regarding the girl who texted him...she probably didn't know he had a GF now so I wouldn't sweat her but he needs to be upfront with those women and not avoid talking to them. The only thing I saw that he did not handle well in regards to that woman was not replying to her text initially. However, if you worry about a man comparing you to his exes...that is a different story. Being territorial is one thing. Worrying about being compared to other women (or your relationship (thru Match.com) compared to the other relationship) is another thing.

I'm sure men go through something similar because they are very competitive by nature with each other, but they do let it go after a while. If you have any feelings of insecurity in this manner then maybe you can try to work through it or talk to someone about it...

Comment #2

I agree with both posts for you guys. Thanks. I thought I'd add too, that I am a COMPLETE hypocrite stating all of this stuff about his past relationships. I too, keep in touch with my ex of three years, even though he is now engaged. We have been broken up for almost three years now. I also keep in touch with past guys that I have dated.

He even lets me hang out with a couple of my guy friends for drinks occasionallyI, on the other hand, wouldn't really like it if he did with his girl "friends". I also may add that my bf is a pretty jealous guy...like when my ex of three years called me randomly, asking me to meet up with him and his friends one night, my bf got pretty jealous and wanted to know why he was calling me. All I know is that the past girls he's dated, he does not want to date using Match.com them ever again. I don't just think this, I know this. He's made it perfectly clear to me about that.

That's why he's a nice guy. He doesn't initiate conversations with his past exes, but if they do, he'll respond politely to them, and that's the end of it...and that's the same with me and past guys I've dated. I guess it's all about trust, eh? *Sigh*..

Comment #3

Yes, you are a hypocrite so it is good that you realize that. You have no right to be upset with him. But, you would like your cake and eat it...all the attention from the exes AND him. Maybe make him a little jealous so you feel good about yourself? As far as his exes calling to say "hey"..I have a sure fire cure for that...do what I do..say "it was very nice that you thought to call, but I am now in a relationship (thru Match.com) and I dont feel it is appropriate anymore to be on a chatty basis with my exes so I would appreciate it if you didnt call anymore. We both need to move on with our lives." Ihad to have that conversation with my first ex husband. THAT is being a nice person...respecting the one who you are NOW dating.

Because...let's face facts...if you or any ex calls...it is to feel out how the guy or girl currently feels about you...you need an ego boost. Let's not play the SO's for stupid. You couldn't care less about how the guys are doing...it is all about the women and their need to have attention. Because, like I said, if you are emotionally invested in a relationship...you dont even think about the ex or think to call to say "hey". But, if you are insecure and need to be a diva or the center of attention...then you'll have your tentacles everywhere...

Comment #4

That may be true for YOU and I can respect that, but it's not true for everyone. If I'm friends with an ex, it's because we've decided we are better friends than lovers and there are true platonic friendship feelings therewe care for each other as people but are no longer interested in being in a romantic relationship (thru Match.com) with each other. It's not for an ego boost or anything else.Sheri..

Comment #5

It is not true for ME because I do not extend communication past the relationship (thru Match.com) break up. I find that exes complicate one's love life. I was being very pointed in response to blueeyedgirl06, not you...

Comment #6

Yes, I understand. My point is that not everyone who has exes in their life does so for ego gratification so for YOU it might be true (if you were to do it) but I'm just saying it's not true of every single person as your post stated.Sheri..

Comment #7

I agree with you, Sheri.I believe that most people do stay friends with an ex because a) That person was a big part of his/her life, and/or 2) They still would like to remain friends with the person on a non-romantic based level. However, in order for exes to be friends, there can't be any feelings involved for that person anymore. That's why I kick myself for myself getting upset over nothingit's obvious that the fact that his ex who was trying to set him up on dates or telling him where to go to take girls does not have feelings for him anymore. And the fact that he has been broken up with the girl for almost five years, both of them being single at one point and him still not wanting to get back together with her shows that he too no longer has feelings for her. My bf is a nice guy, and I consider myself a nice girl. Neither of us are cruel to people from our pasts...

Comment #8

I'll say it again. It is NOT true for me whether or not I would ever be in contact with an ex or not. But, we will agree to disagree because it is an ego boost...because one's ego will feel stroked by the attention of a person of the opposite sex. It is not the same feeling one gets inside when in touch with a friend of the same sex. I have only seen messes in friends' lives when they ask for this type of trouble...or it has actually saved mediocre marriages because the friends compensate for the lack of the relationship...

Comment #9

Nice spin. The actions you describe are not "nice" ... your actions spell out head games and insecurity. What is lacking is respect for him and yourself. Moving on in life is not cruel, it is a fact of life. Actually you are only being cruel to yourself by dragging out the inevitable...these men will go on...without you.

Your BF will break up with in no time once he understands your game.I have never experienced an ex or a guy "friend" who were innocent in their actions by "befriending" me. They always wanted more. There is not one guy who I have known who would have gone out with me for dinner, or lunch or drinks on a social level who was really a friend. Any time a friend of mine (female)experienced the same situation she encountered similar actions and consequences and one or the other ended up liking each other too much. The same goes for exes...

Comment #10

I dont have time to read the other posts, so maybe this has been said already.. but people obsess when they are insecure and have nothing els egoing on in their lives. if you are busy, you wont have time to worry about this kind of crap with him. ud just enjoy his company and chill out. so maybe go get some hobbies or something and focus on you a little bit and not so much on the man in your life that you have at the time. be your own person...

Comment #11

Ok, now that I have been able to read a few posts, it seems like you are inreasonably (and by your own admission even) needy. You are asking to be dumped or asking to have your relationship (thru Match.com) wrecked...

Comment #12

You meant this for blueeyedgirl06 and instead it came to my email. Just an FYI...

Comment #13


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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