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Why do I get a blank white screen on Yahoo personals when I can get on Match.com fine?

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My first question is: Why do I get a blank white screen on Yahoo personals when I can get on Match.com fine?.

My next question is: Hi Ladies,.

I am engaged to a wonderful man, and, overall, we have a fantastic relationship. He is my best friend, we spend all of our time together and have mutual friends, and talk constantly about our life together.

So here's the catch. About two months ago, I found out that he slept with an ex-girlfriend about 2 months into our relationship (thru Match.com) (about a year ago). At the time, we had said that we weren't going to see other people, but had NOT said that we loved each other yet.

I was out of town for a week and he went to meet this girl to "catch up." They got very drunk and ended up sleeping together. He never told me about this because he didn't want to hurt me because of his mistake. I understand why he didn't tell me, and think that that was the right decision..

I found out about this by seeing an old email he sent her saying that that night was a terrible mistake, and that he didn't know what was going to happen between me and him, but that he wanted to move forward with me. He sounded extremely remorseful in his email, both for hurting me and leading her to believe that getting back together would be a possibility. About a month after he slept with her, he told me that he was in love with me..

When I found out about this, he was hugely apologetic and embarrassed by his behavior. He said this occurred before he had made a full commitment to me; he said that his total commitment began when he told me that he loved me. When I asked him what that changed, he said "love changes everything." He told me that at the time, he didn't know how wonderful I was, or how great we could be together, and certainly didn't think that he was cheating on his future wife. .

He did not try to justify his behavior. He immediately gave me full access to all of his email accounts, MySpace, etc. I know for a fact (cell phone records) that he has not been in any contact with her for about a year (she now lives in a city over 1000 miles away)..

It is important to note that I had my suspicions about this at the time, BUT that I have never had any reason to doubt him since he told me he loved me. He is home with me or we are out together every night. He calls when he says he will. He is very affectionate, loving and expressive and has told me that falling in love with me changed his life. He said it could never happen again because he does not feel that it is appropriate for him to have female friendships that I am not a part of, so he would never put himself in that position again..

I talked with my parents and one friend about this and they all essentially told me that "the road to falling in love is not a straight line," especially since we have both been divorced before (neither one of us had cheated during our previous marriages) and were naturally guarded when we met each other. These people know both of us well and said that it is obvious that he is completely in love with me and that we are perfect for each other. I agree.

My mom told me to "get the hell over it" (in a tough-love kind of way)..

My dad said that since we hadn't expressed "love" yet, there isn't really anything to forgive. Stupid moment of poor judgment, yes. Dealbreaker? Absolutely not. (Important to note that my parents have been faithfully married for 35 years, so are pretty good authorities on marriage.).

My friend said that this was just a stupid moment early in a relationship (thru Match.com) at a time when neither one of us knew where the relationship (thru Match.com) would end up..

I guess I just need to hear more confirmations that love changes people. I think that the reason that this is difficult for me is that, although he was not in love with me at the time, I WAS in love with him (but had not told him)..

In my heart, I do not believe that this will happen again. So, I guess I just need to hear other people agree with what those closest to me are saying, especially anyone who's been through something like this. I have already decided to forgive him...but how do I move past this in my mind? The hardest part is that I will never REALLY know what happened that night, or in the exchanges they had after it happened and he told her it was a mistake. How do I put this out of my mind, for my own sake?.

Thanks, girls!..

Comments (9)

Your question was: Why do I get a blank white screen on Yahoo personals when I can get on Match.com fine?.

I dont see how love affects one's ethics.  I wouldnt screw over a guy who I was in a casual relationship (thru Match.com) with or a serious relationship..

He could be using that as a convenient line..

Or..his values could be different and the people who he actually loves he doesnt screw over. But what happens if he falls out of love with a woman - are all bets off?.

I understand your concern and I'm not going to tell you to get over it because maybe you have a nagging feeling for a reason. Usually when a guy cheats before a marriage...he cheats after the marriage too. .

If you need help deciphering your feelings and thoughts and dont want to be told to "get over it" then maybe try counseling...

Comment #1

Thanks sugarbaby_gal,.

I actually don't have nagging feelings about anything that's happened after that incident. I really feel that this is a good man who made a mistake early in our relationship (thru Match.com) that he wouldn't make now. The biggest problem is that I trust him completely because he has been awesome to me since he became "serious" about me, but I can't get the image of those two together out of my mind. I guess that's what I really need help with...just blocking out the imagery of the situation. Tough to do..

Thanks again...

Comment #2

P.S. - That's not to say I didn't let him have it...I laid into him in a major way so that he knows that if this ever happened again, I would be out the door regardless of how long we'd been together. I think I sufficiently scared the s@#t out of him!..

Comment #3

Hi, I have to say that I agree with your mom in a nice way. I think it was really early on in the relationship. It was probably one of the things that woke him up as to how he felt about you. You know, once he felt like s#$% after he slept with the EX. He probably did not expect to feel bad about it and then when he did he thought more about where his feelings were maybe going for you. I hope that makes sense.

Plus this was a long time ago and very early in the relationship. I do believe that love changes things. I have been in a relationship/s where I was or we were not in love and my partner cheated on me. Somehow, I was not devastated, just kind of P'd off of course. But I got over it fast.

I just cannot go there. To me it is because I am in love. I would hurt and hate myself for hurting this one I love.I do not know if this is making sense to you. I am trying my best to convey how I feel and why I agree with your parents. And also how love can change things for some people.

Hugs,Laurie.

Laurie My web pages http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html..

Comment #4

Thanks Laurie,.

That's what he said and what my mom thinks, too. He told me that he had been selfish for a long time after his divorce (he was with the same woman for 15 years - since high school), and that falling in love with me changed all of that. He said that that event, although it never should have happened, made him examine himself and his feelings and decide to commit to me. Anyway, thanks for your advice. I appreciate it!..

Comment #5

No problem. You are welcome. Hang in there.Hugs,.

Laurie My web pages http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html..

Comment #6

I personally would forgive and forget under these circumstances.  However, I have to say that providing access to you of all email accounts etc was a terrible idea.  I mean, that's not a way to establish trust imo.  So what happens if he changes his passwords?  Will you freak out?  He is entitled to some amount of privacy, even when eventually married. ..

Comment #7

I think your mom is probably right on the money - this happened a long time ago at the beginning of your relationship. People move on different timelines, especially in the beginning, and men generally tend to move a little slower than women - meaning they take a little more time to fall in love. You two had agreed to be exclusive, so it was in fact a betrayal of trust for him to sleep with an ex, but at the same time, two months! I mean, he confessed it was a huge mistake, and I think he has shown that he will do anything possible to gain your trust back. However, it sounds like that is not exactly your problem - it's more that you can't get the picture of him with her out of your mind. I've been there....and it sucks. Thing is, you just have to decide to get past it.

Think about your wedding, your future children, heck, think about a particularly exciting sexual encounter between the two of you or some time when he did something really sweet and loving for you. Whatever will remind you of the bond you two have now and will have forever - because getting past this involves looking forward, not back. Seriously, it was a weak moment he had when you guys didn't even know each other all that well, let alone know the future of your relationship. You owe it to yourself and your marriage to let this go - use your love for him as the impetus to do the work required to get past it. That's the hard part about loving someone - even when they are the one who made the mistake, we also have to participate in the healing despite the fact we did nothing wrong.

Best of luck! You'll be fine..

Comment #8

Thank you so much for your advice. You're right that the mental image is the hardest part...that, combined with the face that technology makes it SO easy to obsess. Sites like MySpace allowed me to know what she looks like, what her interests are, etc. I know what her email address is because of the messages I saw between them around the time that this happened. Being 2 clicks away from access to someone really stinks. Part of me obsesses about contacting her, but then I wonder what good that would do. I know for a fact that they have had no contact for a year, which is the vast majority of our relationship.



What I'm trying to tell myself is that the road to love isn't a straight line and not everyone starts out on the same road. What's important is that we ended up on the same one.

Anyway, thank you again for your advice...

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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