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Why can't i get into match.com?

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My first question is: Why can't I get into match.com?.

My next question is: Hi there,.

I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a lovely guy for about 5 weeks now, we met online & we see each other about twice a week.  He slept over for the first time a few days ago and yesterday he actually said he'd missed me and enjoyed staying over!  I know he really likes me, I can just tell in his actions and I really like him.  We have already had the talk and we are exclusive and he calls me gf.  He said he was going to take his online profile off and he has, and he's asked to take me away for the weekend in a few weeks time.  The only problem I have is he is friends with 3 of his exes, I found this very hard to except, but he's been so open and honest about it.  And we all have a past don't we I guess!.

But.....I'm convinced that one day he'll turn round and dump me with no warning (I've had a few bad experiences).  One minute I'm so happy and the next I start panicking, thinking what if he doesn't want to see me etc.....I know it's crazy but I can't stop it.  I'm normally pretty good with my instincts and this feels good and I'm getting no bad feelings...........so why every now and again do I panick???  Is it because everything is going so well???  I haven't felt these feelings for about 4-5 years, and that does scare me, guess I'm scared of messing up!!.

Feelings hey!!..

Comments (8)

Your question was: Why can't I get into match.com?.

While all of us do have a past...I would have a problem with him still being friends with his exes. Here's why:  the emotional intimacy that they shared is still active in their evolved relationship.  You cant change that between two people - even if they claim "platonic".  What that means to you...is that some of your relationship's emotional intimacy (that should be happening between the two of you)  is going elsewhere...to these other women.  Which means..bottom line...that your relationship (thru Match.com) wont be as strong as it could be if it were not for his closeness to his exes.  I feel that opposite sex friends and exes tamper with the emotional  bond of a romantic relationship (thru Match.com) and probably causes a lot of communication and emotional intimacy issues in marriages which lead to divorce..

Everyone gets scared from time to time because we dont want to experience the loss and hurt again.  But that hurt and loss will happen one day whether we fight it or not.  So it is best to enjoy the time we all have together.  Why would you mess anything up?..

Comment #1

Thanx for your reply!.

Don't know why I'd mess anything up really....maybe if I got too clingy or jealous over the exes!.

I know what you are saying about the exes though.  We were out on Valentines night having a lovely meal and a text came through off his most recent ex, well I didn't say anything but it stuck massively in my mind!  I had to get it off my chest at the weekend and he understood why I felt the way I did etc.  He said that when I know him properly I'll see that I have nothing to worry about, he just likes to stay friends with people.  He said he wouldn't give them up as friends and I wouldn't want to ask him ever to give them up, it's just hard, and I have told him that if I can't deal with it then I will have to walk away....but I really don't want to do that as I really like this guy!.

I think that maybe whats stopping me from being fully secure about the whole thing, because I know he goes out for meals every now and again with them (as friends).....and boy does that play in my head!  But, then I know I should trust him.  I dated a guy from my road about a year ago, it didn't work living too close to one another, so maybe I'm over thinking the whole ex thing!..

Comment #2

Hi Happyfeet,.

Congradulations on your new relationship!!!!.

I do something similar.  Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something to go wrong!!  It's because we've been hurt before and I think it's human nature to protect ourselves..

My BF has to deal with his ex wife they have kids together.  So I watched how they interact to see how he responds to her.  I now know that his feelings for her are only there for his kids.  He wants to get things together so his children don't suffer..

I'd tell your bf that you've had a bad experience in the past with ex's and would like to meet these ex's.  If they are truely just friends, it will show and you will know what to do..

Good Luck,.

Kristie.

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Comment #3

He has made this a potential dealbreaker issue for you.  If he would like to play with fire and not give his relationship (thru Match.com) his "all" then you do have a decision to make for yourself.  If you continue to swallow this over time you could develop anxiety issues and start to feel insecure.  I think that people sabatoge relationships in the manner that they feel most comfortable.  People who sabatoge relationships with establishing opposite sex friends and exes really dont want an honest to goodness connection with someone. They want the company and the sex and the friendship but they really dont want to bare their soul to someone and feel that intensity that love brings.  He has shown you how he is going to block you and his closeness to you..

You are not being clingy or jealous...he has intimacy issues-  illustrated by how he wont budge on this subject.  Oh, men are so good with the lines "I was hurt", "I like to remain friends with people", "I am just very devoted to my family - I have to see them twice a week...really...it isnt another woman", or "I'm scared.".

Men are so good at delivering these lines that otherwise confident, mature women become weeping basket cases and are too afraid to make a move because they are too afraid to lose a man who is not emotionally available to her anyway.  Technically she loses nothing because she has nothing...but she doesnt recognize it...

Comment #4

We all do have a past indeed - as do you, and it sounds like your past is rearing up, making you think this guy will be like others you've been with perhaps?.

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You've still just known each other a relatively short time.  Try to keep things in perspective.  He is not your whole life. You were doing fine before you met and you'll do fine if the two of you don't stay together.  Keep busy with work, job, friends, hobbies, etc.   As a well known saying goes - men are the dessert.  Don't make him the appetizer and main course as well.

,..

Comment #5

Hi there,   a lot of my exs wants to keep in contact remain friends mainly because they havent gotten over things yet.   I have had the interest in keeping contact I didnt see a point, until my last ex- I have never love anyone this much and still love, that's part of why I kept in contact with him for a while but my current bf/fiance is not happy about it and I can understand y.  I gave up the friendship w my ex to make my current relationship (thru Match.com) work.  I understand that you dont want sound jealous over the exs but obviously it's not making you feel good.  you really shouldnt have to stress over any exs because they r over and really should be out of the picture.  you did mention to him how you did not like the fact that his recent ex text him on v-day...he should do something about it instead of telling you that you will understand when you get to know him properly...please guys got all sorts of lines to get wat they want and if they want their exs then you need not be there...i hope things work out for u!..

Comment #6

Hi Happyfeet3,.

You ask.....

"I'm normally pretty good with my instincts and this feels good and I'm getting no bad feelings...........so why every now and again do I panick??? ".

WELL... This happens to me too... in a perfectly stable and happy relationship... I love my boyfriend to death...BUT... about once every 4 weeks *wink, I get extremely insecure!  I used to act on emotions of insecurity, until I found that the majority of mine were timed with horomones (those evil devils).  Now when I get worked up, or feel a little extra sensitive, I wait it out a day or so and see if anything changes..

I'm not used to happy relationships, so this is new, but usually when I've waited to say something, I end up being glad I did!.

Good luck and remember, they are probably EX's for a reason!..

Comment #7

Hi msanalytical24,.

Welcome to the board!!.

Get point about horomones!  I wouldn't have thought about that.  I will be watching to see if this is what might be playing into mine times of insecurities..

Thanks!!.

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Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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