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Why can I not see my email on match.com?

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My first question is: Why can I not see my email on match.com?.

My next question is: Hello. Need some help here. This summer I met online a fabulous, perfect-for-me, adorkable guy. After an intense weekend of three dates in a row, he confessed he wasn't sure about how he felt about me. We agreed to give it more time, be more casual, and allow me to fully open up (something I told him could take a little while, but was worth it). After one great casual date, and then another ok-ish date using Match.com with a couple of awkward moments, he confesses again that he's not sure we're meant to be more than just friends.

He assured me I did nothing wrong, it wasn't that I was too shy, and did I mean what I said when I told him I was okay with meeting up with guys with potential callings, as I first and foremost wanted true spiritual friends in my new town. And I said yes. For the first month of the friendship, I was fine. I even started dating (online dating with Match.com) another guy. With the same name, in a funny coincidence.

Here's the thing: the first guy and I have great debates about politics, love the same kind of movies, e-mail back and forth all day, and every time I see him at a faith group he introduced me to, I feel comfort and rapport and still attraction. He's taken baby steps into inquiring about the priesthood, but is also still active on the dating (online dating with Match.com) web site. Guy2 is sweet, but we haven't had very many conversations, just a lot of cuddling on the couch. He's perfectly nice and into me, but his job leaves him unavailable to call or email much during the week while I'm reading or writing for my job, and our busy lives mean only one outing a week...if we even go out in public to begin with. This past weekend I went to a party with Guy1 and felt a torrent of emotion after.

So I went hiking with Guy2, started making out with him, and somehow got bored. Guy1 cannot be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with me for a variety of reasons. How do I get over him?Guy2 is perfectly good relationship (thru Match.com) material. But I'm not sure for me because he doesn't generate the same kind of feelings for me. How do I know? Both play into this pattern I have of ending early relationships where I'm not 100% crazy about the guy and end up fantasizing about a completely unattainable/unavailable guy I already know..

Comments (6)

Your question was: Why can I not see my email on match.com?.

I dont think either guy is right for you.  I think there HAS to be a #3 out there...keep looking...

Comment #1

<<Guy1 cannot be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with me for a variety of reasons. How do I get over him?.

Guy2 is perfectly good relationship (thru Match.com) material. But I'm not sure for me because he doesn't generate the same kind of feelings for me. How do I know?.

Both play into this pattern I have of ending early relationships where I'm not 100% crazy about the guy and end up fantasizing about a completely unattainable/unavailable guy I already know. How do I break my pattern?>>.

When someone can't decide which path to chose then it's highly likely that they haven't really looked deep into their hearts to determine EXACTLY what they WANT and what they are WILLING TO DO to achieve it.  When you know this 100% - you can look at 2 choices to see which, if either is better. If this is a pattern for you - then it suggests taht you've never done this and if you have, then you don't believe that it's available for you..

Hon, whatever you can dream of having - you can have - you just have to allow it to be in your life. You aren't..

That said, the reason you keep pining after unavailable men is that in doing so, you keep yourself unavailable for men who ARE looking for something real and lasting and deep.  Which goes back to knowing what you want.  A person who knows what they want does not waste one ounce of energy on something that doesn't fit.  This is exactly what you are doing.

Take yourself out of the dating (online dating with Match.com) game for a bit and do some soul searching. If you truly want a long and lasting relationship, then this will not be an issue at all. consider it homework to 'graduate' to a mature way of relating..

A couple of books I suggest:.

Calling in the One - this is a 7 week workbook that takes you step by step through 'stuff' that is keeping you stuck the authors name is Kathleen Woolard ( I think) you can do it faster - but I don't recommend it - changinb beliefs and habits take time - you have to choose whether or not you really want to learn a new way or just get over this hump..

Am I dateable (or something like this) by Dr. Phil - also helps you take a good hard look at what in you is fixating on something that will never be what you want it to be.

The law of attraction by Michael Losier - whether you believe it or not - you are getting exactly what you focus on - unavailable men! This book will help you reframe and refocus your desires in a positive manner - on men who are open an dready for a true, intimate relationship.

The Dance of Intimacy by Harriett Carter (I thnk) - this one will help you understand you own intimacy issues and give you workable solutions to move past them..

Hon, you are at the heart of your issue - you choose unavaliable men maybe because you secretly know that there is no risk of real intimacy required - you can 'love' him at the distance you are most comfortable with or you don't believe you deserve a committed, intimate and loving relationship or it provides you built in sympathy of unrequited love  - whatever hte root cause is - you are attracting and attracted to men who cannot offer what you say you want. teh conclusion to draw is that you really don't want what you say.

We all get what we ask for - what in you wants and asks for unavailable men?.

 .

Toni..

Comment #2

Guy1 isn't on the table as an offering (he's told you so AND he's still active on-line to prove it AND in my experience guys know if they're attracted right away, the only "question" is whether or not they will tell you so).  So the question with Guy1 is whether your continued friendship creates a desire that interferes with your ability to be open to other men.  Meanwhile, Guy2 is available but you're not that into him and, well, as it turns out your feelings may be compromised by the unavailable Guy1. .

So you have many choices.  One.  Cool the friendship with Guy1.  You want different things and your desires are getting in the way.  Out of sight; out of mind.  Then, stick with Guy2 but see how & if your relationship (thru Match.com) changes and grows once Guy1 is out of the picture.  Two.  Stick with Guy1 and let Guy2 go.  Guy2 needs to find someone as into him and he is into her and it's not fair to him to drag things out.  But Guy1 is your friend and you enjoy being around him.   I mean,  maybe with time your interest will pass and you'll have a good friend.  Or maybe you'll just stay on the hook.  Three.  Hang with them both, but obviously you're not happy that way.  Four.  Stop seeing both of them and go looking for Guy3 or Guy4. .

If it were me, I'd pick the second option stick with Guy2 for awhile and cool it with Guy1.  I'd stop hanging with Guy1 because this unrequited attraction can fester and me, I don't do well with unrequited festering, however great the guy may be.  Then, if it turns out that I wasn't that interested in Guy2 after some time, I'd get back out into the market and look for others.  .

It's nice to have choices!..

Comment #3

Hi, again. Thanks to everyone who responded. Especially, you Toni. What detail! I may have to check out one of those books. This experience is just my second with wanting an unavailable guy (but to try to justify myself, I have always wanted him, even when he was available), so a pattern it may not be making. I do believe I'm open to a full, romantic relationship (thru Match.com) with a partner who wants the same things.

For me anyway. I definitely know I'm not patient!As for the suggestions to cut guy1 out of my life, I don't think I can do that. I don't have many friends in my new town that I connect with on a spiritual level, and I can learn so much from his devout faith. I think what is really the problem is I have too overactive an imagination. I guess what I need now is re-training my brain to not make anything of friendship moments and focus on this really great guy who is into me..

Comment #4

You are welcome..

One thing - and I realize it's difficult, but it's doable - stop letting your emotions lead your decision making process with men. First size up the suitability - does his qualities fit what I want? - then size up the emotional connection..

Consider it this way - we 'fall in love' with things all teh time: shoes, houses, cars, jobs, clothes, you name it - and sometimes no matter how much we love it- it still doesn't come in our size.  And when that happens, a smart woman will just say "Oh well. that wasn't meant for me so something better is coming along soon"  and go her merry way. Women by and large do not do this - they fight tooth and nail to hang onto something they talked themselves into liking!  I had to do this with a house this summer - I just LOVED it but it would have put me in a financial bind to purchase it - so I trusted the process and God to reveal what was best and the next day the house went under contract. Yes, I was disappointed - and occassionally when I pass that neighborhood I think it would have been cool - but for the most part, I don't think about it. It wasn't meant for me so I've moved on. (and on that note - made the decision to not purchase right now because it's in my best interests not to).

By the way - another good read is the rebuttal to 'He's just not that into you" - it's called "YOu're just not that into him either" or something like that. Women get emotionally involved with men they really aren't that into out of boredom, or doubt that what they want is out there. Equate this to throwing money into the fire - it's a total waste of time..

My experience has been - if you have to convince yourself or someone else of the rightness of a relationship (thru Match.com) - it's all wrong for you.  When things are right between 2 people, they both know it - and things just flow because you are both heading in teh same direction.

Take some time and get clear on what you want your life to be like and what kind of partner would best fit it - only when you get clear, will what you want show up!.

Best regards,.

Toni..

Comment #5

"if you have to convince yourself or someone else of the rightness of a relationship (thru Match.com) - it's all wrong for you.  When things are right between 2 people, they both know it - and things just flow because you are both heading in teh same direction.".

Agreed. ..

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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