Who has found the love of their life on

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My first question is: Who has found the love of their life on

My next question is: Hello, I-Villagers:I'd really appreciate your feedback about my current situation. After being single for a *long* time, about 3 months ago I started seeing a guy who is as close to a soul mate as I've ever experienced. I won't list all the things that are great about him and our connection. After only a few weeks he more or less moved into my house, which has, truthfully, been largely wonderfuleasy, natural, fun, comforting, affectionate...The problem? His past. In his twenties, he married his pregnant girlfriend and stayed with her for about 20 years, a marriage he describes as mostly miserable. Shortly after they separated, he promptly got involved with a separated woman 14 years his junior and lived with her for like 3 years (I just found out about the cohabitation part although he claims he'd told me), a relationship (thru he also has nothing nice to say about.

He now has money problems, largely due to how he indulged these women.I just can't relate. I've never been married and have been on my own most of my life. When I've been involved in a relationship (thru that wasn't working, I'd end it. And I have very strong feelings against married people hooking up, "separated" or not, and equally strong feelings about the necessity of taking time between long-term relationships. He's told me up, down, and sideways that he's learned and changed a lot in the year and a half since the last woman moved out (during which, yes, he dated a few others), and that he's never felt about his ex-wife, girlfriend, or anyone else the way he feels about me.

But I can't get past his past. I know that rather than judge his decisions I need to focus on how his past affects me, but I just can't put my feelings into words except "ick." I recently asked him to leave my house until I had a better sense of what was bothering me. He's hurt that I'm "holding his past mistakes" against him. I'm starting to feel like another one of his bitchy, ungrateful girlfriends. I'm stuck.

I'd truly appreciate anyone's feedback. Thanks!..

Comments (4)

Your question was: Who has found the love of their life on

On the one hand you are wise to review his past and how he handled certain situations to see if they are in line with how you currently live life.  On the other hand, over the years, he could have learned to handle things differently...if he felt that he didnt handle things right to begin with.

What might be a nice idea is to discuss this with him and ask him if he were in a similar situation again, today, how would he handle things?  He needs to be honest about his values because if the two of you are not on a similiar wavelength you will butt heads down the road.  If the two of you agree on how to handle relationship (thru problems (fights, do you date using when separated) then try to let the past go. ..

Comment #1

I like what sugarbaby_gal has told you. It's your choice whether you can move past this or not; at this point if you really think you "can't" (and you say that word a lot in your post) then that's fine but you have to move on. You haven't known this guy that long, maybe you're convinced that this guy isn't ACTUALLY better than the man he was in the past. That will take time to actually discern. But consider that a past is the best teacher, and realize that this guy is your "soul mate" because of a mix of experiences he's had in his life, good and bad. He's not an addict or a criminal or an abuser.

He finally found a great woman for him and you're punishing him for not having found her sooner! I think you should decide ASAP with your gut instinct whether or not you can get over this because it's not exactly right to continue punishing him for something he can never change...

Comment #2

Great idea to pinpoint the situations about which I am concerned, and ask how he'd act today in similar situations. I think what I am worried about is that he *did* act the same, when he jumped right into a relationship (thru with me.Thank you, Sugarbaby...

Comment #3

I can kind of relate to your feelings.  I met my current guy while he was still involved and living with someone.  He has a daughter and this woman was not the mother.  He was with her for a total of 3 years, and they had been living together for 1.  He (and his friends) told me how bad this woman was, and he said that the relationship (thru was over, but he was still living with her because of his daughter. .

We ended up falling madly in love, and realise that we are ment to be, but I do have mixed feelings about his past.  I do believe he has learned from his past and is taking his time in our relationship.  His family has told me how happy he is with me, and how happy he has been in general since meeting me.  He tells me all the time how happy he is that I am who I am (compleatly different from any woman he has know).  He even says that "miss Independent" by Neo is my song!.

I have a saying that I say often...  you can't change the past, all you can do is what you can to change the future. .

I say if you love this guy, or think you could, give it a chance.  People don't change, but they can learn from their mistakes...

Comment #4

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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