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Who Else Thinks Those Match.Com ads On Myspace are stupid?

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My first question is: Who Else Thinks Those Match.Com ads On Myspace are stupid?.

My next question is: I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) this guy for a short while now. I've known him about 4.5 months.  I thought it had been going great, but it hit me last night that I'm always the one to start conversations, carry them and wrap them up. Last night I was kind of tired when SO called. I just wanted to listen to him and have a calm relaxing conversation. He absolutely had nothing to say, and he kept asking me questions. It was aggravating because I can't be the entertainer who always has the conversation going somewhere. I don't feel this is a two-way relationship.

I wish he would just spontaneously tell me about his day or something interesting that happened to him, anything, talk about what he's watching on TV, something in the news, something about a friend, something he's making to eat, anything (the way I normally do). He just sits there and doesn't say a word. It's really rude. In these several months I've known him, reflecting on it, I'm always in a good mood with something on my mind to talk about, and he pretty much never has anything to say unless I prompt the conversation. So, I guess I just didn't realize until last night that his personality pretty much depends on me.

I'm just not sure if I should tell him this is what I'm thinking....could he improve? I mean he is interesting when he's talking but that is only when I prompt the heck out of him to get a conversation going. That's way too much work. I want to be with someone who brings their own personality to the table. In the long run I know I won't be compatible with someone like this.  Is this an issue that can get better or is it a lost cause?.

~Di..

Comments (11)

Your question was: Who Else Thinks Those Match.Com ads On Myspace are stupid?.

Hi imwonderingnow,I had the same issue with my last relationship. We lasted 2 months, and I ended up realizing I was the one carrying on with the conversations, talking about my day, and so on. He never came up with anything. His personality depended on me, and honestly, it was exhausting. He was always laughing at my jokes, etc.. but he would never "reciprocate".

In the end I was bored, exhausted, and I noticed I hardly knew this guy, since he never said much about nothing. I had a talk with him, and you could tell he was trying to improve or change, but even with that effort he was not much of a talker and if I didn't start any conversations, I think we would end up in an endless uncomfortable silence. I would say give him a chance, talk to him, but keep in mind this is his personality and you can't change someone to your liking. I know now I need someone more dynamic, someone who opens up more, and someone who knows how to carry a two-way, normal conversation. Good luck!..

Comment #1

Hi Me_sweet79, Thanks for your reply.

Honestly, I feel this guy is being lazy. I think blaming it on a fixed personality is an easy excuse.  The fact that that he's not letting me get to know him but he's expecting me to keep on revealing endless aspects about myself reflects lack of manners, in my opinion. And if I'm not someone he feels comfortable opening up to then we need to stop seeing each other.  I'm going to talk to him about it... I'm going to tell him that I was quiet last night because I'm putting in exactly what he's putting into this relationship. And that he'll see it can't go anywhere if he is not putting himself out there.  I'll give him another chance to show how dynamic he IS ..at least I hope he is. Unfortunately if he doesn't 'get it' at this stage in life he probably won't easily.

~Di..

Comment #2

Either he is shy or lazy or is not used to expressing opinions...or...like you said, he sits back and wants to be entertained or just gather info about you.  He is not forcing you to do this, but people do when faced with silence is talk more.  The next time he does this turn the tables and just tell him that you'd like to hear more about his day, his activities or hobbies and that you'd like to sit back and do the listening for a change...

Comment #3

You're right, I just need to stay quiet instead of compensate for his lack of talking despite how difficult those silences are.  He called me again yesterday. I did the same thing I did the day before, I sat more quietly. This time he caught on and started to talk more, but just a few more sentences here and there. Then he asked me a question to get me to talk, ugh, lol. I finally said what you suggested, something along the lines of 'it's your turn, I want to hear more about you', and in a light hearted nice tone of voice I said, 'I feel like I'm always the one talking'.   He got the picture because he started talking just about non stop for another 10 minutes! We ended up having a pretty good interesting conversation that HE brought up! I finally felt like I wasn't the entertainer, but in a real relationship. What a huge relief for him to take control of the conversation .

I know he's a good guy, I don't want to break up with him over it, but I'm a talker and I need to be with someone who's also got a point of view in their life and will share it. I think he's getting the picture now that it's OK to talk about your own stuff, as a matter of fact it's a good thing.LOL.

~Di..

Comment #4

"We ended up having a pretty good interesting conversation that HE brought up! I finally felt like I wasn't the entertainer, but in a real relationship. What a huge relief for him to take control of the conversation ".

Sounds great!  He responded to you and to your needs - that's a good sign.  Another thing you can try that I find that helps with quiet people is to ask questions about their interests or work or hobbies or vacations that require more of a meaty answer.  He might feel you are a more interesting person than he is or have a more interesting background or life story and that is why he remained quiet - out of feeling like you may not find him so interesting as much as he finds you interesting.  Have fun!..

Comment #5

You said he's interesting once he gets going... so there is personality there..

 .

Say that you enjoy what he has to say but you wish he'd initiate conversations more often - yo uwant to know about his day and things on his mind, etc.

,..

Comment #6

I broke it off with him last night. Everything had been going well since last time I posted, but he started with the silence and dry questioning again. While I agree that qustions are good, his were so dry as if he's forcing himself to come up with things to say and ask. I know you suggested I ask him questions but I do that and he doesn't give me much meat there. The best conversations are the ones that flow back and forth and neither have to ask many questions. And I just can't get that out of this guy regularly.Last night we had a bit of a misunderstanding and he completely shut down.

I WONT be with a guy who shuts down like that. I should have known he'd be someone to do that. He had the nerve to say 'I'm quiet until I get to know the other person'. He was referring to my stance on the misunderstanding. What if I were doing that too? Then we wouldn't solve anything.

I directly told him I'm not sharing any of my perspective unless he is sharing, too. After a long silence when it was his turn to talk, I told him I would be getting off the phone the convo was going no where. I said it looks like we have different ideas about how to communicate. He would just sit there and say, "uh, huh. Uh, huh." and he wasn't being a smart a$$.

It was quite WEIRD. It didn't occur to him that it was his turn to talk.He just gets in these weird moods. I think he is not happy overall or something..he's not very relaxed and comfortable with himself. I want to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with a happy person! Life is too short to cater to someone like that. This reminds me, years ago my sister stayed in a relationship (thru Match.com) with a guy who was depressed like this and it dragged her down.

I think this guy has the same problem. In order to develop a healthy relationship (thru Match.com) he's going to have to first work on himself. I don't want to get flamed here for my comments about depression. I am specifically speaking from my sister's experience. I don't have a close enough bond or interest (he rarely tried to put anything out there for me to be interested in) in this guy to stick along for that ride.

~Di..

Comment #7

Sorry to hear the bad news.  I didnt know he was depressed - that changes a lot.  When I suggested asking him questions to get him to start talking I thought he was just a little shy.  He obviously lacks a desire to communicate and will shut down periodically...if that is in his nature to do so already.  He is not able to start or build a relationship (thru Match.com) at this point in his life so it is best that the two of you broke things off.  I dont blame you for not wanting to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone who is depressed.  If he is clinically depressed then there is a chance that he has been battling depression for some time.  Even if he decided to go on meds there is no guarantee that it will affect his moodsin a positive manner and there could be problems with erectile dysfunction too...

Comment #8

Absolutely you can't change someone's basic nature but you did say that once he got going he could be a good conversationalist.  Some people do take time to open up.  So it's worth talking to him about.  Good luck.

,..

Comment #9

Yeah I just recently pieced it together myself, and realized he is a depressed person. Now that you mention erectile dysfunction, wow, I may be dodging a whole array of issues with this guy by leaving now.thanks..

~Di..

Comment #10

Thanks. I tried, but it just didn't work. It's not an equal or satisfying relationship (thru Match.com) when I'm more open than he is and when I have a happier disposition than he has. Pardon the silly phrase but it was like pulling teeth to get a good conversation out of him.I broke it off with him but told him if he thinks through stuff and wants to change his attitude towards communicating with me then he could call (I'm sure his issue goes deeper than just an attitude though). We're not enemies but definitely not compatible in a romantic long term relationship (thru Match.com) way, and I made that clear to him on the phone..

~Di..

Comment #11


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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