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Which is better Match.com or Adultfriendfinders ???

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My first question is: Which is better Match.com or Adultfriendfinders ???.

My next question is: Hello all,.

Im a 38 year old guy,divorced,about a year ago I met a wounderfull lady.after a month of datting she toldmesome things about her past,she is 43 by the way.she told me things that I would have ran out the door,but I didnt.it did in fact create a disturbance in my mind in wish I try to deal with every now and then..

The thing is she used to date using Match.com girls,and now she claims that she has changed and that what she did was wrong..

Im not so convinced because maybe she is trying to fit in with her family,i could be wrong,but like I said sometimes it wories me that she could be lying to me,and I dont want to get hert..

So can anybody out there give me some advice,can people really change there sexuality,or could it all be a lye,or maybe just my mind playing tricks on me...

Comments (18)

Your question was: Which is better Match.com or Adultfriendfinders ???.

No, people don't change their sexuality.   But, people DO experiment and/or go thru phases of trying the other side. I think more so with women than men.  Particularly when a bit younger (say, 20s).  And no, that doesn't make a person gay.  .

Did she say for how long she dated women?.

You know, this isn't something that she HAD TO tell you about.  I'm of the belief that if it doesn't have a bearing on the present then it's often best to just leave the past in the past.   But, she probably DID tell you because she felt 'safe' enough with you to disclose it.   For a person to be vulnerable and reveal certain things about their past, they have to feel safe in the relationship.  However, now you are judging her for it..

If you are truly uncomfortable with it and can't let it go ... then, you owe it to yourself and her to let HER go.  That's my advice.  Either let IT go or let HER go.  ..

Comment #1

I have never dated other women.  I have known women who did go both ways and  some were gay and some experimented for a time or two.  How long was she dating (online dating with Match.com) other women?..

Comment #2

Ok,let me see if I can tell you more less the little that I know.when she was younger she had a rpoblem with alcohol,and also experienced with some drugs,i dont know exactly for how long she dated,or lived with wooman,all I know is that it was in her 20's and maybe till her low 30's not sure till when.she told me that she would never sleep with an other wooman again.when she told me about her past I had a mental break down it was like everything went to hell.eventhow men like this kind of thing I was/still in love with her,so for me it was shoking rather than a turn on.i want to be able to have a normal realtion ship with her and not worry about if there are still any skeletons in her closet,but it is a verry tochy subject and I really dont like talking about it with her.about a month ago we had an argument because she told me that she had found some photos that she had no idea that she had them,and all hell broke loose,my mind went crazy and I told her that she needed to get rid of them,because I didnt want to see them one day by mistake,she tryed to explain to me that it was her past,and the more we talked about it,the more we argued,because the way I saw it it was her past,and she new that she had made a mistake in her 20's so she claimed,why keep those photos..

So the next question is,im I just being imature? should I be concerned,could I just be dead wrong,or do I have every right to be concerned..

 ..

Comment #3

You don't say how long you've been dating.  If she's been 10 years or so (?) sober, and is now strong, and clean, and someone who has resolved such issues in her life to her current well-being, that's a great thing.  You shouldn't beat her up for her past; you should give her credit for overcoming those demons.  It's hard for those of us who don't have addictions to understand how hard it is for those have them to overcome them.   If you've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a long time and have a strength to your relationship (thru Match.com) now, I think that it's fair to let her talk to you, her boy friend, who is in love with her, about her past because this is part of her and who she is.  She doesn't need to throw away the pictures, or not talk, or pretend her past isn't what it is.  I would say that you need to get over your issues and accept her as someone who apparently has done quite well of late. .

If there are current issues with drinking or drugs, of course, that's an entirely different story. .

As for liking women.  As a full heterosexual, I can't say that any amount of drugs or alcohol would make me change my state of being!  But, that's the not the question is it?  You should know if she's responding to you as a man.  Whether she'll stay loyal to you has nothing to do with her sexual preference, it will have to do with how you are together.  Rather than argue, why not talk to her and ask her, will you be loyal to me?.

Lwara.

 ..

Comment #4

Hi..

You are talking about all the stuff that is in her closets that she is sharing with you.. and that are bothering you.  The fact that she is being this forth coming with you, and honest is a good thing.  You seem to be having a problem with it.  And I don't think it is fair for you to take it out on her.  If you have a problem with her being open and honest.. no matter what the subject is.. than you need to let her know that you don't want her to share things with you. .

If she was into drug and alcohol and having sex with women in her 20's to early 30's and she is now 43, and isn't doing any of that anymore.. I wouldn't have a problem.   We all do things in our early years.   Heck I admitted on another board that I was stripper in my early 20's.. so big deal I am 36 now and have a great career and great child..

Why don't you look at the good in her, and what you do like and concentrate on that.. If you cannot do that.. than let her go.. and let some other man who will be ok with her openness and honesty.. so either you find a way to deal with it without hurting her.. or leave her....

Comment #5

<< she told me that she would never sleep with an other wooman again. >>.

So, you either believe her or you don't..

You DO realize that this has a lot more to do with you than her, right?.

Something within YOU isn't capable of trusting, believing, just saying "ok, the past is the past" ... and simply appreciate her honesty..

I feel bad for her.  Truly.  To be honest and vulnerable to another person, sharing one's past ... and then she gets crapped on for doing so..

This isnt' about her.  This about you.  You have an inability to let sleeping dogs lie (as the saying goes).  She's 43 ... this was all well over 10 years ago.   What's the problem!?   She kept some photos? ... big whoop!  I have photos from college boyfriends, etc.  Photos from the past don't mean anything ... it's just pictures.  I think it's a GOOD thing to keep memories of your past, whether they be good or bad ... it's part of a person's life.

We all have a past.   She shared hers and now it's torturing you.   For whatever reason, you are so insecure that you can't believe that she woudn't want to be with just you and can't believe her when she says that she would never sleep with another woman again..

Like I said before, either let it go or let her go.   She doesn't deserve to be judged and mistreated (with your arguments and emotional outbursts) about things that happened 10+ years ago...

Comment #6

Thank's for taking the time to read and reply to my post.sometimes our minds take control of our emotions,but at the end it's our harts that win.we have been dating (online dating with Match.com) for a year now,and I know for a fact that she is a wounderfull person.im not letting her go.i hope no one got upset here,as I only needed to get a second opinion,nothing wrong with that.most of your opinions did help me to understand why...

Comment #7

Hmmm.  I think you do have cause for concern.  If she spent 10 years living with a woman then that is not a person who experimented..she may be gay.  Are youconcerned that she would leave you for a woman one day?.

Is there a reason she decided to tell you all of this?.

Why are you disturbed by her photos?  Dont you have photos of your exes?.

All of us have skeletons in our closet.  Some dont need to be discussed whereas others do because they can impact the current relationship...

Comment #8

<< If she spent 10 years living with a woman then that is not a person who experimented..she may be gay.   >>.

I think you may have mis-read/misinterpreted something.    He never said she spent 10 years with a woman or living with a woman.  He did say he didn't even know how long.   The 10 years is at least how LONG it's been since all of this transpired.   She is 43 now ... this stuff from her past happened late 20s, maybe early 30s (even he isn't sure)...

Comment #9

My guess she desided to tell me all that is because her pastor told her that if she was to have a relation ship that what ever person she was with,that she needed to be clear of who she was in the past so that in the future I would not find out thue a third party..

But if she was gay,why be with me now.in any case maybe bysexual,maybe,or maybe she really was experimenting or who knows what went on her life years back..

In other conversations with her she told me that her brother rejected her before,and now they get along,so I dont know if her parents did the same,and maybe she is trying hard to fit in,who knows.i just hope I'm wrong,because it would not be fare for either one..

As far as the photos goes,it wasnt so much the photos,but because she had already told me about her past and I had a really hard time with it,i had put it behind in my head,and by bringing it out,it just clicked in my mind and there was no need for it...

Comment #10

Eatdirt-1 - curious choice for a moniker.

There are soooooo many women out there, eatdirt, that you don't have to settle for anyone that doesn't match your short list of specifications.  Right up there on your priority list should be no sexuality issues or someone about which you have to constantly wonder about..

She may be a wonderful person, she may have resolved all of those issues, but as long as you are worried about and feel insecure, then YOU have a problem.  What is the easiest way to resolve that problem?.

If you feel like taking a chance with this woman, I would make sure that I knew her for a very long time before the word marriage ever enters into conversations...

Comment #11

I think life full of surprices,and I like taking chances,i dont want let go and wounder one day what would have been like if I would have stick around.i know everybody has issues,and that no one is perfect,maybe god put us together for a reason.regardless thanks for your advice,i think you have a valuable point,i'll keep that in ming,but for now I'm going all the way even if it kills me lol...

Comment #12

I think that if I got anything wrong about his post that HE should be the one to tell me since my reply was directed to him and not you.  I think he can handle that on his own.  And I didnt say she was involved for ten years...his post was a little unclear so I used the word "If".  "If" is a good word.   Not that it should be a concern for you.  Let's not disrupt the flow of the thread and board, shall we?  Oh, and I will not respond to any reply from you so that there is no disruption to the thread, just so you know.  If you would like to have a debate or have questions, please start another thread.  It seems as though the cl's and cm's would like to reduce the amount of board disruptions and I agree with them...

Comment #13

If she is confused about her sexual orientation then you do need to ask her if she is still attracted to women.  Some guys dont mind it and some guys do...

Comment #14

Thanks for calling a "clown" have a great day........

Comment #15

<< Not that it should be a concern for you.  Let's not disrupt the flow of the thread and board, shall we?  >>.

I will offer benefit of the doubt that perhaps you're new here.  We are all allowed to respond to anyone ... not just the OP.  I responded directly to you, that isn't considered 'board disruption' (pleaes read the TOS).  Plus, I didnt' say anything negative ... I just said perhaps you misunderstood what he said.

<< If you would like to have a debate or have questions, please start another thread. >>.

Debate?  There was nothing even remotely combative about what I wrote.   Geez...

Comment #16

I agree.  You have to be able to let this go, not have it be a shadow on the relationship.  Perhaps sometimes you've had urges to experiment as well at times..,. and those urges made you uncomfortable, and this is bringing that back?  Just a thought.

,..

Comment #17

Hello everyone,.

 .

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Comment #18


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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