Which is better, e harmony or

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My first question is: Which is better, e harmony or

My next question is: Oh boy..I'm going to try & make a long story short. I was married for one year (together), & apart a year before the divorce was finalized this past April. He was 12 years younger than me, had a horrible childhood (& I assume some sort of undiagnosed mental illness). The marriage started out great, I thought he was the best thing in the whole world. Hah...I dont think he intentionally "played" me, but he really, really screwed me over. Lied constantly, got ME $45K in debt, cheated (in disgusting and illegal ways), etc, etc.

Turns out it was more like around 100!!! So, I'm fine with the divorce. Pissed & bitter that someone I loved screwed me over so badly, but I've accepted it..

Problem is....I TRUSTED him. How do I learn to trust again?? I already had trust issues before him, he just made them a zillion times worse. I've been dating (online dating with a guy for about 2 weeks now. Yes, kinda hate to say it, but hes the same age as my ex (I'm 35 & hes 24). He also said he had a horrible childhood, bad enough to where he wont tell me about it. There are sooooo many ways that he reminds me of my ex.

Again, he said he has only slept with one girl before me. I'm tending to believe this because he & I are having serious sexual difficulties (seems to be premature ejaculation because he gets SUPER nervous). Problem is...I dont know if I can trust him. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt....just because someone had a bad childhood doesn't mean they're a bad person. But every once in a while, things just feel too "familiar".

But after the ex....I keep wondering if I'm getting played. How can I tell if there are just unfortunate similarities or I'm being tricked. I know time is the answer, but I was with my ex for two years before I realized what a liar he was. IF I am getting "played" by this new guy....wouldn't he be able to follow through on the sex?? Seriously....isn't that the whole goal of a player?? If hes having sexual difficulties it leads me to believe he is being genuine. But my judgement is obviously horribly impaired..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Which is better, e harmony or

In terms of the trust thing, I know it's hard.  That one just takes faith, I'm afraid.  Like just taking the leap again and knowing of course there's potential to get hurt again.  Things wont be perfect.  But if you want to have love in your life, that's what you have to do.  And trust will be the same with anyone - that person will have to earn it from you..

The other stuff.. I understand the panic in terms of all the similarities with the ex.  It's easy to focus on that, but can you now think of all the ways in that they're different?  If you cant think of many ways theyre different in good things, then maybe this isnt a good person for you.  Who knows.  I mean, it's tough bec I know we get attracted to people who arent necessarily good for us..

Good luck.  Hope this helped..


Comment #1

Before you can trust him you need to know you can rely upon yourself to try (at least) to make better choices as to who to trust.  If this is a repeat of the past then you might want to take a step back and make sure his actions mirror his words and notice how he treats other people in his life (like his family and friends) and see if he is behaving in a trustworthy manner towards them.  Look at how he treats people at work or his he always looking to make a fast easy buck off of someone else's blood sweat and tears?  His behavior with you needs to warrant you to trust him. If his behavior seems sketchy then dont jump in with two feet just yet.  Take a closer look..

If your judgement is impaired then it isbest to not get into any new romantic relationships until your judgement clears up...

Comment #2

Ok, basically ... you're finding yourself with someone who is so similar to your ex it's uncanny ... yet, you're continuing to date using him.   No offense but ... are you nuts?!.

If you keep attracting the same type of guy  ...that says more about you then these men.

Trusting others means trusting yourself, first and foremost.  That means trusting your own judgment and having a certain level of discernment.    At 35, you're behind the curve.  You have to make up for lost time because you should, at this point, be able to discern the players and the cheats from the trustworthy guys of the world.   .

Can a seemingly good guy pull the wool over your eyes (or any of us)?  Sure!  But, when its flashing in front you like a neon sign and you're not heeding the warning ... well, you will only have YOURSELF to blame if you continue down the path with Mr Carbon Copy of your Ex.   .

You need to work on YOU!   You've been dating (online dating with this guy for 2 weeks and you're already in bed together.  That, right there, tells me that you're rushing things (and if all you're looking for is a sex partner ... then, whether or not you're being 'played' or even being able to trust him shouldn't matter ... but, since this is a concern ... that tells me that  you WOULD like for this to be more than sexual ... in which case, why are you sleeping with him already?).

Learn how to trust yourself and you will trust your judgment.    Be ok with NOT being in a relationship (thru for awhile.  Just date.  Go slow.  Rediscover yourself. ..

Comment #3

I hope you really take starbuck70's advice to heart.  You are drawing in the same type of men and I hope you figure out why..


Comment #4

Hi. I'm so sorry you had the experience you did with your ex. I'm new to this board, have a couple trust issues right now, as well. And as I was reading your post, I just kept thinking, if you are doubting yourself and feeling insecure, SLOW DOWN. It is hard not to be affected by your past relationship (thru but the only way to hear your intuition is to take things extremely slow so you can gather information, see how it feels - if you don't have distance, you won't be able to get perspective and if you are going too fast (physical intimacy before emotional intimacy) then things could easily get distorted - even without your past experience. Just a thought. You may also want to consider having your friends and family meet him and spending time with other people as a couple so you can get some feedback and see how others 'read' him.....good luck to you......

Comment #5

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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