Where can i find

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My first question is: Where can I find

My next question is: I posted here last week about thinking I needed to get out of this relationship (thru I was in.  We had been together not that long.  But, he started calling drunk and being overly needy, "i don't care about him," etc.  Those turned into more flat out mean calls.  I got about 4 of them over a period of a month..

2 weeks ago he came over, and we went out one saturday night.  he got very drunk. When I asked him to stop, he told me to leave. I  should have.  When we came back to my place, we got into an argument and he packed his bags.  I didn't stop him.  He ended up ripping a shirt in half that I bought him for x-mas.  I woke at 2 a.m to find my door wide open and he was passed out on the couch..

We ended up making up, but over the next few days, I got more emails about how I don't care. this is all one sided,  He does everything I do nothing, why don't I just let him go already, so I ended it.  He came over to talk a week ago and I told him I din't think this would work but he wanted me to give him another chance.  I don't know why I said ok, but I did..

I tried, but my feelings changed.  We were talking today and I told him I just didn't see this working. I tried, but that I couldn't get past everything too much has happened.  so, he left.  About 30 minutes later, I got an email about how he loved me and hopes we can work though this and he wanted to come over and talk.  I told him I didn't think that was a good idea; that I didn't see this changing.  That maybe we just need to spend some time apart.  I was told that I only care about myself and my dog. Im pathetic.  I used him for sex.  I never loved him, and now I am getting texts about "gee thanks friend"  or "yeah, the perfect girl...what a joke." .

So, it's over. but I feel so horrible.  Its like I almost became addicted to his craziness.  Somehow, he almost has me believing that I should have stuck around and put up with this?  the name calling, the drunken phone calls.  the constantly telling me I'm not doing enough, not saying enough, not showing him enough appreciation (just an example, he sent me flowers to work and I told him thank you immediately, when I got home, I kissed him and told him how beautiful they were I didn't act excited enough)..

Ok, it's over.  I just need to move on now. .




Comments (18)

Your question was: Where can I find

Definitely move on girl.  It is totally not worth the agony...believe me.  I've finally let go myself and this time I am STICKING TO IT.  I don't want some guy calling or texting me when he needs an ego boost, he can go find someone else for that.  Move on and don't look back.  Ever!..

Comment #1

I never responded to the your pathetic, you make me sick, etc. etc.  About an hour later I got a text saying, well i'll assume by your silence we are really over.  As if the insults would lure me back?  So, now I am getting the woe is me texts.  He wants me to throw out all of his stuff.  he doesn't want it.  He cannot deal with me leaving him, etc..

I know what he is doing is classic manipulation.  But, I feel horrible.  I have been sobbing since I did it...

Comment #2

He's now sending me texts about hurting himself.......

I won't respond.   But, seriously?  ugh. ..

Comment #3

I personally would not ever respond anymore.  Ever.  I would set some sort of date using and if harassment continued past it, I would change my number. .

Off topic, a little - but I had to do this before when a guy I went on exactly 2 dates with stalked me for 2 months.  He would call from different numbers in a ploy to try and get me to pick up, but I dont pick up numbers I dont know.  So he'd leave a torrent of crazed voice and text messages.  He'd berrrate me and then the next thing would be an apology and send massive bouquets of flowers.  Two dates!  Not lying!..

Comment #4


It's great that you let him go. He sounds like a controlling would only get worse. Can you imagine marrying and then having children with a man like this? It would be 10X more difficult to get rid of him if you were in a marriage or had a child together. Good riddance. And yes, you're right, he IS manipulating you now, with the guilt texts, saying that he's going to hurt himself. Like that would make someone want to return to a relationship....very disturbing.

Once you let him back in, he'll go back to being his controlling, abusive (yes, this is a form of abuse) self..

Also, please be careful. Not to say that the guy will become dangerous, but you just don't know. Hopefully, an extended time of you not responding to him at all will make him go away.

Take care!.


Edited 1/24/2009 11:00 pm ET by rivegauche79..

Comment #5

Thank you all for your responses.

I feel so much better today, but the hateful texts have continued.  He called me 4 times last night I didn't answer.  He was saying mean things, using personal things that I have told him against me.  Saying he doesn't know what kind of family I grew up in.  There were many texts.  The last one last night said, Fine...f*ck you. .

This morning I got more.  He hopes I get what I deserve.  I am the reason the world sucks.  I only love myself.  I am a horrible person. .

He wants me to return the condoms that he purchased.  He'll need them for tonight.  He isn't going to make this easy on me..

I haven't even seen his anger yet..

So, this is just in the last 2 hours..

I called my cell provider to see if I can block his number.  If it continues, i'll go that route.  I guess...

Comment #6

Phili, remember that anything he says is a reflection of how he feels about himself. It has nothing to do with you. Right now he's playing a game called "I'm Desperate For Any Kind Of Response". It makes him feel successful to know you're reading what he says. The only way you will "win" is to block his number so he knows you are not listening, or to wait until he runs out of steam. Whichever comes first...

Comment #7

They have stopped for now.  I haven't had any in 2 hours now, so that is a good sign.  But, I called my cell carrier and I can block his number but it's a monthly fee and I don't really have the money.  I can change my number if it continues..

I decided to just take a little day trip just to get away.  Meet up with friends.  So, hopefully my mind will be off this situation for a short time anyway..

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it...

Comment #8

Yeah, it's for the best because it sounds like he is an alcoholic to boot.  I have to admit that there was time when I use to cut and run when I felt my heart was in jeopardy (never did the abusive manipulation though) or if I wanted to "gauge" how the person was feeling.  It was very wrong of me to do that and I have since worked out those issues, because I did the work to find what the "root cause" of this problem was - this is what he needs to do.  Maybe one day he will, but, in the meantime, you can't allow him to abuse you, so you made the right decision.  He has to learn on his own that he can't "lie" or "threaten to leave" or say "he's interested in someone else" as tools to find out how you feel about him.  This is an insecurity issue and this behavior will continue until he "figures out" what is causing the insecurity in the first place.  This is where you have to say to yourself, "this time IT'S YOU and not me" and put it right back where it belongs - on him..

Good luck to you...

Comment #9

If he has a problem expressing himself when he is anxious, angry, upset or troubled .. he needs professional help in learning how to conduct himself in a manner that is conducive to him getting what he wants out of life. All of the tantrums and drama are conflicting with his end goals.  Sometimes men have to hear things in a way that make sense to them and talking logic and goals sometimes works. But that is not your burden.  It would probably be a good idea if you changed your email address and phone numbers...

Comment #10

Today has been horrible.  The horrible emails and texts made me feel so great about my decision.  They were followed with him begging me back, promising to change.  Begging me to see him.  I told him no.  Then I got the hurtful emails/texts once again..

He wanted his stuff back and I intially offered to it to him. But after the texts I told him I would mail him his stuff.  he said he didn't want to see my lying face either, but he needed his stuff.  I responded and said that he is a mean and hateful person and I have no desire to be in his  presence.  I would over night his stuff to him.  I said that he was a hateful person before I met him and was a hateful person when we were together and will always be a hateful person..

I received a self-depricating email about how I am right, he hates himself,  He is sorry.  He called and told me how sorry he was, it was all his fault, not mine.  and I am a good person and he didn't mean any of it. .

I dropped his stuff off.  I immediately burst into tears.  But I did it and walked away. .

Im sitting at home missing him so much.  But, I know I made the right decision. Im just sad...

Comment #11

So, what do you miss about him? I'm just curious. Because it doesn't seem like this guy had any good qualities, or at least the good ones were totally squashed by all the crazy qualities..

You should really be careful and sever ALL ties with this man, seriously. He seems to be very disturbed. He would have had to pick his clothes up from a parking lot somewhere, because I definitely wouldn't have dropped them off to him.

Good for you that you ended it. Just continue to be strong and SEVER all ties immediately! There is no hope for a relationship (thru with him..

Take care of you!..

Comment #12

No, it wasn't all bad.  But I knew that I did not want to live my life like this.  So, I ended it..

But, when he was sober, things were good. .

I am not responding to any more texts or emails.  I have cut ties and am going to get myself back out in the dating (online dating with game.   I just need to be aware of "signs' of problems and not let myself get here again.  There were signs, and I let it go on.  So, lesson learned...

Comment #13

<< Im sitting at home missing him so much.  But, I know I made the right decision. Im just sad. >>.

You miss him?    What the ......?.

I was on-board with ya until you said that .... I mean, honestly ... you know you're better off.   Now, it's up to you to love yourself enough to not miss a guy like this, ok?..

Comment #14

<<But, I called my cell carrier and I can block his number but it's a monthly fee and I don't really have the money.  I can change my number if it continues.>>.

I can't imagine the the cost is more than a few dollars. Isn't your peace of mind WORTH a few dollars a month at the very least?  If you just can't swing it, ask a friend or family member to loan you the extra for a couple of months to block him. Or give up something non-essential for a little while to offset teh cost.

The longer you allow him to have access to you - the harder it will be for YOU to put it behind you and let go of the guilt he is attempting to elicit. .

What value do you place on your desire for a happy peaceful life? Hon, You don't need to block him forever, but find some way to pay for blocking him for at least a few months. Take another job if you need to.


Comment #15

<<I am not responding to any more texts or emails.  I have cut ties and am going to get myself back out in the dating (online dating with game.   I just need to be aware of "signs' of problems and not let myself get here again.  There were signs, and I let it go on.  So, lesson learned.>>.

Hon, in all honesty - I don't think you are ready to date. People attract people that are familiar and like themselves in some way - this guy is abusive, has substance abuse issues and is emotionally stunted. Yet you 'love' him and miss him.  Seriously - you would do well to take some time off from dating (online dating with and look at what in YOU is attracted to this kind of person. it's good that you got out - but you still are under his influence because you allow his emails and comments to get to you.   It's highly liekly that you will find yourself in another relationship (thru with someone similar.

I strongly urger you to get counseling - if you have insurance, it will likely cover it. or contact a local domestic violence shelter and ask them to help you find some counseling. This was an abusive relationship. Until you change YOUR way of thinking you will continue to get into these situations. You must learn to avoid them from teh get go - and it's a rare person who can just all of a sudden do that.

Your willingness to invest is YOUR own self love and respect will determine the quality of your future relationships. How much is YOUR happiness worth to you?.



Comment #16

I posted these the first day I was alone in my house.  Yes, I was lonely a bit.  I don't need counseling.  I got out of this relationship (thru within 3 weeks after his verbal tirades began, not years or even months. The first one that happened I thought, ok, it was jsut a one time thing.  after the 2nd time, I broke up with him, and he promised it would never happen again, and then it did and that was that.  I was confused during them because there was such a jeckyl and hyde type of person. Sweet loving, funny, and then he would turn into needy controlling, etc.  it took me a few weeks to sort it all out.  After the last tyrade, he sent me roses.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I was a social worker who worked with victims of domestic violence for a while I saw that pattern and I was like oh no.   That is when I made the decision, not going to happen for me.  I still loved him and so, it was sad for me   I love his good side, not his drunk side.  So, it's not as simple as just ok, I'm never gong to be sad for what we lost, or what we had.  I was.  I was for a total of 2 days. I ended on Saturday, and Sunday was ok, but Monady was hard, and by Tuesday, I was fine..

All of his stuff is already out of my house we were not living together, but he spent a lot of time there.  It was out the day after I ended it.  so a clean break. No connections..

I get about 10 to 15 texts or emails a day at this point about how sad he is, how he can't sleep, can't eat.  I have just decided to ignore them and plan in blocking his number his email I already blocked.  I felt really bad for about a day for hurting him b/c I am a nice person and don't want to see anybody hurting, but after a day, I realized that I am not responsible for him or his feelings. he has friends and family for that..

I actually already started dating.  Well, not entirely. some guy gave me his nubmer on sunday.  We are suppose to go out this weekend at some point. ..

Comment #17

Wow, I was out of town this past week so was very surprised to read this and see that you gave him another chancebut VERY glad to hear that it's over now. .

You might want to reconsider the idea of counseling. IMO there are very, very few people who can't benefit from counseling, and I don't want to offend you but I see a little more here than just a nice person not wanting to hurt someone.  But hopefully you know in your heart of hearts whether that's really what it was or if there's something a little deeper there as to you giving him another chance, feeling so guilty about ending it, etc. .

Were you the poster who has Sprint?  If so, there shouldn't be a charge for blocking him from texting you and it's easy to do through their website.  But I may be confusing you with another poster who was being harrassed by texts from her exsorry if so ;-)..





Comment #18

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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