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When men believe that forgiveness

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Means just giving us flowers.Im not dating (online dating with Match.com) or have a boyfriend at the moment and dont have it for a looong time. Today at work some flowers and chocolates were delivered to a married coworker. The coworker was not expecting any flowers from anyone so that was a total surprise for her. When she took the flower arrangement to her desk, the coworker told the cleaning lady to throw away those flowers or if she wants them, she can keep them. I assume the coworker decided that after knowing who the flowers were from and it seems she was a bit upset.After that happened I thought to myself that perhaps his husband was asking for forgiveness for something he did to her, which is the conclusion I came up with after seeing that. Then I thought why men believe that with some flowers a mistake can be undone and once we receive flowers, chocolates or whatever, the mistake is fixed and that is it.

I mean if they want our forgiveness it is better if they come forward and talk to us about the situation. Forgiveness cannot hide under some flowers or chocolates..

Comments (4)

Your question was: When men believe that forgiveness.

Not in and of themselves but they can be PART of the act of asking for forgiveness. And if someone is not allowing access, then sending something like flowers with a card,or a card or anything like this is an attempt to start the process.Forgiveness is a process - not just a talk, or a gift or even teh words "I'm sorry" but it has to start with something and a gift can be a segue to real discussion.Women have a tendency to give the silent treatment when they feel wronged - and allow NO access whatsoever until they are good and ready to say their peace. This is, to me, basically teh same as someone who thinks a gift will make amends for an offense - because there is no connection and no 'forgiveness' involved - it's 2 people reacting.I see nothing wrong with getting a card, flowers or whatnot as part of the process of forgiveness - but it cannot replace the communication and honesty that has to happen in order to move beyond the hurt. A 'thing' can't do that..

Toni..

Comment #1

I once worked with a woman who regularly got flowers from her BF and then husband. He always sent flowers when they had an argument or he upset her. After a while she didn't even notice them because he did it so regularly that they didnt mean anything to her anymore. She stated that one day. And they were the most beautiful flowers too.I think that some men sent flowers or gifts to rectify the situation in one shot with the flowers and gifts, and like tonitoons said, it is a process, so those guys are misguided in their efforts. The conversations and soul searching should accompany the flowers not be the end all be all.

Yes, it can be seen as manipulation by men, but we do it too...just in other ways. You gotta start somewhere if you want to make up...

Comment #2

In this case it seems the flowers were supposed to accomplish a "mission" and I agree - gifts can't make up for bad behavoir.  And you don't know what the circumstances are in this instance..

 .

 However sometimes a guy just likes to give flowers or candy to someone he cares about not because he hopes it will get him out of hot water but to show that he cares and is thinking of her.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  And sometimes if a guy does something wrong he does apologize, hopefully learn from his mistake, take his punishment, yet also sends flowers to show that he cares, is sorry, and glad she is still in his life. So not as the SOLE apology but as an accompaniment after the conversation.

,..

Comment #3

You're also assuming, though, that it must have been the husband sending flowers after a fight.  She's married, maybe it's an unwelcome suitor?  If I was in a committed relationship (thru Match.com) or married and some man was overstepping his boundaries (because some people just don't respect) and expressing completely inappropriate interest in this manner and sent flowers and chocolates, whatever, then yeah, I'd either chuck the flowers or tell the cleaning lady to throw the flowers out, because they'd mean nothing coming from someone other than my partner.  And I'd be pissed off about some guy thinking that's an okay thing to do.  It's not..

But I'm just guessing too .

 .

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

CL-Understanding Men.

CL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) Doyenne.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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