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What's the best way to answer a Match.com personals ad?

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My first question is: What's the best way to answer a Match.com personals ad?.

My next question is: Hi my name is Jessica and I couldn't find a perfect fit for a  board with my dilemma so Im going to try this place out and hope to receive some good advice or insight into my situation.  I ask that before you respond not to judge me because I do understand what I am doing and the moral issues behind it.  I am sorry if this upsets or offends anyone but I need a nonbiased opinion if I can get one..

My situation is that I am involved emotionally with a married man.  I say that because there has been no physical contact between us and we are both very adament about keeping it that way.  However, I met this person not to long ago and it was at my sisters wedding.  I never believed in the feeling or idea of love at first sight, and in fact I despised it...until now.  I am a previous serial dater and have never had a good relationship (thru Match.com) with a man.  I generally get pretty tired of them and dont ever seem to find that connection I have been longing for, until now.  I spent several days in a social situation with him and I can honestly say it was love at first sight, the connection is unnerving and we talk everyday until four in the morning.  It wasnt until the reception I found out he was married and he did have his ring on and talked openly about being married.  Right away I excused myself and stopped talking with him.  However, he got my number and we have been talking ever since.  He isn't at home right now because he had a family member pass away and his wife is back home.  We have talked about everything you could possibly think of and he isn't making false promises to me or leading me on (in my opinion).  Luckily for me this is my sister's husband best friend so I do have some insight into this guy.  He is in the early stages of divorce and I mean pretty early, he has an attorney and is trying to do whats right for him and his wife.  This is the only woman he has been with and they met in high school.  He is in the Navy and during the time he was serving in Cuba he returned to find that she cheated on him and picked up a big drinking problem.  He has given her two years since then and he cant manage to deal with it anymore.  I understand Im the one giving the emotional support she seems to be lacking and that this might not happen (the divorce) but it is so hard to walk away from this when I feel like this is it for me.  Regardless that he is married I do feel that he is the one and he has told me he felt the same way. .

SO we have built a bond during this time and like I said there has been no physical contact or dates even.  I told him that until the ink dries on those divorce papers we arent happening, I refuse to be involved in an affair but he agrees the same and has a strong moral obligation to his marriage.  I dont think he saught out an affair it rather happend that we met and bonded and so it went from there..

I have talked to friends about this and I know I have to wait and see how this unfolds.  My concerns are pretty basic.  One is this considered infidelity on his part?  Am I wrong for befriending a married man on this level?  Do these feeling really exist for other people, that you just know when you meet the perfect partner?  I have so many questions and issues about this I dont know where to start so I am here asking for some insight especially if you have been in a similar situation.  Im sorry for the length of this, just trying to be thorough..

Thanks for your time!.

Jessica..

Comments (9)

Your question was: What's the best way to answer a Match.com personals ad?.

There is a board for emotional affairs, and I am sure you will get some insight there.  I am not pushing you off this board, but I think the ladies on the EAS board may be able to help you more..

Here is the link.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&nav=start.

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THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

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Them with my guns..

Comment #1

Jessica, I understand you. It is weird how similar our situations are. I too feel for a guy who is married and I too feel like he feels for me but the difference is that he hasn't expressed any feelings to me directly. I mean, we have been friends for years but he is married so, our friendship was completely that, just friends and I was friends with his wife as well and still talk to her when I see her. Recently, he expressed to me that he wants to end his marriage because he is no longer happy. Actually, we spent a few nights talking about it.

Part of me feels ashamed that I can think these thoughts while he is married and his wife is actually a nice person. I think I am really falling for him. I think about him a lot. I think about wheter he is a good kisser and lover. I know he is going to follow up with this divorce.

Say they do get the divorce and it is over. Maybe not right away but a few months later he comes to me and say something happens, say we kiss and say we start a relationship. I will be talked about everyone I go. What will people say? They will say that we were probably having this affair the entire time and maybe blame me for the divorce. What about his wife? She will probably hate me.

Part of me feels like I have done nothing wrong. I have been a friend all this time. I have been listening to my friends problems and giving him advice and during this process, we have become closer; at least I have, I still do not know how he feels about me; if he considers me a friend and is very expressive or he does feel for me and is shy to express his feelings perhaps of fear of being let down. So, as you can see, our situations are similar. If I knew for sure that he likes me or loves me, I think I would go with my heart.

If it is true love, true feelings, I say, go with your heart, start something and see where it goes. Ofcourse wait until the divorce is done andwait until he comes to you whether it is days, weeks or months and when he is ready to make the first move, you can make yours. Just remember that going through a divorce is difficult, I went through one and it takes time. He will need space to get over her and you need to make sure that during this period, he doesn't just look at you as the rebound but who you really are. So play it smart and safe.

Guest..

Comment #2

I just wanted to give everyone an update since it's been a month....

After careful consideration of everybodys replies (thank you) I continued talking to him daily.  The long conversations ended because well we do have jobs to go to in the morning and lives but three days after he returned home he spoke to his wife and they are now in the process of a divorce and she has since  moved out.  As I said earlier his decision to divorce his wife was made before he met me and I gave myself a time frame-a short one-to go by and I told myself that I would have cut the friendship out after two weeks.  I never asked him to divorce her when he got home nor did I push it, I let it run it's course and it only took three days.  I still keep my guard up right now as the divorce is being figured out and I fully intend to keep that emotional disconnection for some time, until I know how genuine our relationship (thru Match.com) is because I am a realist, however, he has been very open about what is going on and tells me things I probably don't want to hear sometimes because he wants me to know exactly whats going on so I don't grow impatient or start questioning things.  I understand most of the replies were based out of concern and probably the norm but in this instance I think our emotional affair says something more.  Right now we are friends and share everything in our daily lives and we are starting a foundation for something greater I hope, if not then I can live the rest of my life and be okay with that because I am a romantic in some aspect and feel like if I didn't try with this man then I would regret it, mind you right now it's an emotional connection and I have yet to see him since a month ago.  A trip is planned for when the divorce is final and he is settled and I feel he is already on his way to that because his wife moved out of state and they have reached a common civil ground.  I believe sometimes people are out of their relationship (thru Match.com) way before they do anything about it and that is what's going on in their case-even his wife agreed she was ready and had moved on.  So ultimately I don't feel like I have done anything wrong at this point, had I continued it while she was living with him and I saw no divorce in the works then absolutely I would have been wrong, but it goes to say that sometimes life can surprise you if you have faith and there is no doubt in my mind that he wonderful and worth the wait...

Comment #3

I hear you trying to rationalize your actions.  to me, personally, if a guy were talking on the phone with some random woman he met at a wedding every day I would consider that cheating.  sure, I can have a connection with someone, but if he is married, I am not going to jeopardize his chances of working his marriage out by allowing him to call me and so on..

It sounds like it's working out for you, so great for you.  however I do feel sorry for his wife.   ..

Comment #4

Wow if someone could write my story. Only thing is a year ago we had a close call with his wife or children finding out that he was befriending me. We had to cool it. For good. Now I am ingaged to a great man who loves me more than his own life. So as the world turns.

Be carefull. As he is not divorced and may never be. It sucks. My guy is still being thrown out of his house at 2 in the morning. He finds ways to see me and talk because I believe he needs a friend.

I know that from experiance.

I wish you well and don't judge you. If it were another women they would not have the moral values of not throwing the man down and doing what they want. I know I have been on both sides. It is hard now talking to my friend. I Love him forever and believe he is my true soul mate. Love at first site.

I also know it is dangerous to start something until something end. Wait until one door actually closes. To open another..

Good luck Hope the best for you..

God Bless.

Jessica two..

Comment #5

All I can do is encourage you to be careful and wait until this man is legally free before pursuing anything.

I do have to add that many of these men tell the OW whatever she wants to hear and a lot of sob stories (e.g. "My wife doesn't understand me", "My wife cheats on me", "We don't love/sleep with each other any more"). I can't tell you how many times I've seen/heard an OW say "I can't believe he lied to me." Sometimes the OW finds out he's a liar after she marries him. My point is that if a man is going behind his wife's back to talk to/see someone, he's not exactly a reliable guy in the first place, KWIM? Consider that he could be making up all these things about his wife. I'd also urge you to put yourself in her shoes. Also, consider that if he cheats with you, he'll probably cheat on you..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #6

Falling for someone who is contemplating divorce, separated, getting divorced, or recently divorced, can be a recipe for heartache.  Because the divorcing person is rebound mode.  This wife, whatever he tells you, is someone he once loved, had chilren with, and the end, whatever he tells you, is gut-wrenching and painful.  Which is why they call those relationships right close to the divorce, "rebounds"  because the emotion invested into a rebound relationship (thru Match.com) is the emotional fall-out from the failed marriage / divorce.  Been there, done that; and seen it happen enough. .

I suppose that's not to say what you have won't work.  There are exceptions to any pattern.  Perhaps one way to do it is to be alert to where he's coming from.  See through his words to the emotions tied to a failed marriage.  Stay skeptical.  You don't know the negative of what went on inside the marriage what if the first fight with his wife occurred because he was having an affair?  Also, wait even past his divorce until he has settled down and lived on his own for awhile.  Once he's distanced from her, then you can see him in a clearer light and hopefully his emotions will be genuine.  In fact, maybe that is the true test of your love; whether he loves you enough to wait until he is steadied and balanced to start the romance.  So maybe there is a way for these things to work, if you're careful, skeptical, and make him wait until he's ready..

Best of luck, whatever you do. ..

Comment #7

>>I suppose that's not to say what you have won't work.  There are exceptions to any pattern.  Perhaps one way to do it is to be alert to where he's coming from.  See through his words to the emotions tied to a failed marriage.  Stay skeptical.  You don't know the negative of what went on inside the marriage what if the first fight with his wife occurred because he was having an affair?  Also, wait even past his divorce until he has settled down and lived on his own for awhile.  Once he's distanced from her, then you can see him in a clearer light and hopefully his emotions will be genuine.  In fact, maybe that is the true test of your love; whether he loves you enough to wait until he is steadied and balanced to start the romance.  So maybe there is a way for these things to work, if you're careful, skeptical, and make him wait until he's ready.<<.

ITA. If he can't get his life straightened out first, he's not worth it..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #8

I'm just wondering why this thread is still being fueled? ... this is a dating (online dating with Match.com) board ... married men don't date using Match.com ... they have affairs ... which there are a few boards for here in ivillage ... I'm just sayin'.  ;-)  Let's focus on those who want to discuss dating (online dating with Match.com) and relationships .........

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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