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What's the best online dating site other than Match.com?

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My first question is: What's the best online dating site other than Match.com?.

My next question is: Hi,.

I have posted about my situation before.  I am 44 years old and bf is 26 years old.  We have been exclusive for about 2 months.  Saw each other casually 4 months before that, during which time I had broken things off a couple of times..

Before we became exclusive, he told me he wants no "gray areas", to be boyfriend/girlfriend.  He has been clear from the beginning that he wants no children.  I already have one so, so this is OK.  I did get pregnant, but miscarried after about 5 weeks.  He told me that this almost fatherhood convinced him he did not want children at all..

I don't know if this relationship (thru Match.com) has any potential to move forward. His work schedule is very unpredictable in that he only gets about 1-2 days notice where he needs to be next.  He travels a lot for his job, and does not know when he will get 1 or 2 days off..

I have a custody schedule and do not want to introduce him to our child for obvious reasons, the main one being that this is so new.  I also work. .

Thus, we don't have much time together.  We have done nothing outside of hanging out at my house when he has an evening off.  He did take me to breakfast once.  Otherwise we have dinner together here at my house, watch TV, and have sex.  Since I have known him, we always had sex when we got together. Yes, including the first time we met (although we had been chatting online for a while before that)..

I just don't feel settled or secure in this relationship.  Maybe because it is relatively new... However, I am not sure how a relationship (thru Match.com) like this has any potential to move forward.  I was content with a casual relationship (thru Match.com) until he wanted to take things up a notch.  I am not sure how I feel about him, maybe because we do not see each other a lot.  I did miss him those times I had broken things off.  Whenever I bring up seeing other people, he does not want to do that.  .

A few days ago, he did mention getting serious and my meeting his family, but he has not specified when or how.  .

Any advice, comments would be appreciated..

Bunny..

Comments (15)

Your question was: What's the best online dating site other than Match.com?.

Bunny - while I'm not against the older woman-younger man situation at all - just what does a 44 YO with a child have in common with a 26 YO whose never been married or had kids - and how are those commonalities going to grow into your midlife and his prime?  in 15 years, you'll be at an age to think about social security and he will be at an age that many men are just figuring themselves out.

I'm 45 and often mistaken for mid 30's but there's no way I'd seriously consider a 26 yo for long term. Just different maturity levels. And a LOT can happen in 5 years to put you in completely different time zones.  Maybe for playtime, but long term? Nope - we're just not connecting on enough levels to make it go. Its one thing if he were 35 and you 60 - he's likely already gotten past the 'I'm not sure what I want or where I'm heading stage"   as it stands, he hasn't even begun to understand or know what life may hold for him..

Younger is fine with me - but the maturity levels have to be similar - otherwise there is nothing to build on. Personally I stick to within 5 years of my age - it just makes things less complicated. .

Physical age isn't as important as being emotionally the same age - are you? And who's got the greater potential for changing over the next 10 years? YOu are facing menopause, he is facing the age when most men want to settle down and have a family (regardless of what he says now - that CAN change).  YOU will be facing retirement in 15 or so years and he will be hitting his prime - how will those things affect your connection..

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do anything - these ar just things to consider. Unless you both are 100% aboutyour feelings for the other - unless the pros outweigh the cons - there may not be much to build on..

Toni..

Comment #1

<< Any advice, comments would be appreciated. >>.

All previous advice still stands.  That this isn't the right relationship (thru Match.com) for you ... and you know it...

Comment #2

Hi Bunny,.

I've never dated with an age difference before, but I do understand your point about time together.  My ex husband was in the military and I have to admit that him being gone a lot didn't help our relationship (thru Match.com) (notice I did say ex husband).  I don't think couples need to be glued together at the hip, but being gone too much has the same negative effects as having too much time together..

You have to decide for yourself about this guy.  Have you talked to him about what you both want out of life?  This might help you make up your mind about him..

Good Luck,.

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Comment #3

Hi,.

I think that long distance relationships and relationships in which the people are apart a lot can work if the people involved work to stay in touch and communicate.  Nevertheless, I do agree that nothing replaces being a part of each other's daily lives.   He is out of his probationary period.  Once we know whether or not his current schedule will be like this definitely, we will have that talk about what we want out of life and the relationship..

Bunny..

Comment #4

Hi Bunny,.

You're right that long distance relationships can work.  I just remember that those times apart from my husband of the time didn't help us.  I hope you get to find out his scheduling soon..

Anyway.  I'm glad that you're willing to talk this out with him.  Let us know how everything works out!!.

Best wishes,.

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Comment #5

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Here is my thread below - it may answer your questions.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldatingdil&msg=32351.1.

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Wise words to live by:.

"if you have to ask other people about what's happening in your relationship, you're not really in one. And if you can't talk to him about what's happening in your relationship, you don't have one.".

While item number 2 does have it's merits, I disagree with a generalized statement that men become lazy because women do too much - it could just be that the particular man got lazy.  I like item number 3 because the impulse is to do more when you see things are going bad...instead of taking a step back and take a deep breath and see whats on his mind..

Is There a Breakup in Your Future?.

By Lauren Franceshttp://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnsbreakingup/0,,9qg3b6bn-p,00.html.

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Sometimes we don't see a breakup coming until it hits us like a ton of bricks. We think everything is going great with our guy until WHAM! He drops the breakup bomb. That's why author and dating (online dating with Match.com) expert Lauren Frances says it's time to wise up and take off those rose-colored glasses. In this excerpt from her new book, Dating, Mating, and Manhandling, she walks us through a relationship (thru Match.com) reality check. Her tips can help us assess whether or not our union is worth fighting for..

1) Resist the urge to preen..

Most women love to fluff up everything around them. My calico cat was the recipient of much (unwanted) attention. He never asked to be put in a dolly dress, and in one photo is struggling with a cherry lolly that I rammed into his mouth "because he liked it." The bunny got sent to the vet when I "accidentally" hugged it too hard, and I broke my Easy-Bake Oven from excessive entertaining..

I, like so many women, needed to overcome the tendency to get carried away with the activities associated with being "in love." This is dangerous territory to tread on, especially in the courtship phase of a relationship. (Stick to bikini waxing, jogging and dust busting.) Unfortunately, when you become a whirling dervish of romantic activity, you run the risk of stifling your suitor's natural instinct to ante up and build the relationship (thru Match.com) with you. Men are practical. If you're doing all of the hard labor, they'll take it as a cue to move their focus to other important things (like foosball), because in their minds you're handled.

2) Don't give more time, energy or attention to the men you're dating (online dating with Match.com) than they're giving back to you..

Remember: Men fall in love through the process of doing. They need to build a nest around you to mark their territory and to make the relationship (thru Match.com) their own. If you're always one step ahead of them, they'll feel unappreciated, unnecessary and even emasculated. This dynamic will not result in the torrid sex that you deserve!.

Romantic Rule: Overgiving short-circuits the male coupling instinct! If your man has become romantically lazy, it's probably because your overabundant giving has drowned his desire to win and woo..

3) When you're stuck in quicksand, the more you do, the deeper you'll sink..

At this juncture many women sink even deeper by mistakenly thinking that they're not doing enough to please their man. In a panic, they redouble their winsome efforts in a misguided attempt to revive his ardor and attention..

The only way to get unstuck is to stop acting like Santa in a mini. When he finally calls you again (and trust me, they always always call again), let him take you you to dinner, let him pick up the check and let him give you .  The only thing you're allowed to do is enjoy yourself, and the only things you're allowed to say are, "A little to the left," "Yes, right there!" and "Thank you!".

4) Overgiving creates guilt, not marriage..

Most men believe in the scales of justice and don't want to be characterized as being selfish or unfair. The biggest reason not to overgive is because it makes your man feel guilty. He'll only wind up feeling manipulated by racking up a romantic debt that's not of his own making..

Man Fact: Men are professionals at keeping score!.

Most men secretly enjoy jumping through hoops of fire, scaling craggy cliffs and bringing over Chinese takeout. But if you tip the scales of romantic justice and burden a man with a love debt, it will ultimately backfire. Usually, the trouble begins when you notice that he's not really reciprocating in kind..

Many women will now start to make the classic mistake of complaining about everything they've been doing for him. Who asked you to teach his children French anyway? (You!) This is a terrible way to get your man to make a deeper commitment, and you risk violating the supreme rule of male courtship: Men only do what they want to do..

6) No matter what men say, watch what they do..

When we stuff the bird, men construe it as pressure, and a big reaction is sure to follow. Overgiving can induce La-Z-Boy Recliner Syndrome or turn your Lovebird into a Bat Out of Hell. If the gods really want to punish you for poor manhandling, you might even wind up with six feet of trouble. He's the type who'd be more than happy to sit in your nest and channel surf until you come home from a hard day at the office, and expect you to cook him dinner..

Instead, when you wisely pull back, men will naturally pick up the slack and romantically reengage if they're remotely right for you. And you'll have given yourself the priceless gift of clarity. You might need to make some changes in how you choose to prioritize your relationship. Low self-esteem and fear of loss are usually the real reasons women start overcompensating  in the first place. Don't despair! It will become easy to see what your partner's contributing to the relationship (thru Match.com) once you step back and stop overgiving. You'll be able to see exactly what you've got left on your plate, and then you can deal with the meal..

Romantic Rule: Slim Jims and Hershey's Kisses do not count as dinner.

7) Obsess Much?.

Do you obsessively think about "him" and "your relationship"? Learn how to snap yourself out of the hypnotic state you've put yourself into by "circling your prey.".

Romantic Rule: No one is obsessed when their needs are getting met, unless they're lunatics..

When a woman is tormented by love, she's usually hooked on a man who can't fulfill her most basic needs for love, attention, sex, intimacy, companionship or commitment. In other words, you've either fallen in love with a sociopath or a homosexual. If this sounds like you, the good news is that you're not wrong to feel bad, but the bad news is that once you've become obsessed, your relationship (thru Match.com) is usually bad news for you..

Romantic Rule: Being "in love" means that two people feel the same way about each other..

In other words, if someone asked both partners how they felt about each other, they'd both say, "I'm soooo in love!" Otherwise, one of you is suffering from romantic delusions..

In other words, if you have to ask other people about what's happening in your relationship, you're not really in one. And if you can't talk to him about what's happening in your relationship, you don't have one..

Edited 2/28/2008 7:05 pm ET by snafu2007.

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Comment #6

Hi,.

Thanks for this post.  It was very informative.  I don't think I am overcompensating or giving to the relationship (thru Match.com) more than he is, e.g.,  I definitely don't call him more than he calls me.  He does most of the calling.  And if anyone is going to say "I love you" first, it is NOT going to be me.  However, I think there is a balance one must strike between not overgiving and coming across as not caring enough. .

"if you have to ask other people about what's happening in your relationship, you're not really in one. And if you can't talk to him about what's happening in your relationship, you don't have one.".

We talked this evening about "what's happening."  He feels a little insecure because he travels for his job a lot.  We know there is nothing we can do about this right now, except make the most of the time we do have together. .

Bunny..

Comment #7

"And if anyone is going to say "I love you" first, it is NOT going to be me. " IMO that is game playing, and that has no business in a mature adult relationship.This statement should tell you something about yourself and your relationship......You tell someone you love them because it is what you feel, (hopefully an honest feeling)YOU don't tell them hoping they will say something back, or wait for them to say it first. You tell them because that is the way you honestly feel.... If you can't communicate with them honestly WHY are you with them?..

Comment #8

Nothing has changed from the 47 other times you've given this boy toy a "second chance".  You are in an exclusive FWB situation with a controlling loser who is young enough to be your son.  Allow me to refresh your memory as well as other who may be ignorant to the past situation with this guy.  I think this is very relevant and people should know what has happened to be able to provide REAL advice - people who don't know your situation and your past will give encouragement to a situation that should have been ended long ago. .

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldatingdil/?msg=32224.1.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldatingdil&msg=32156.1&x=y.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldatingdil/?msg=32140.1.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldatingdil/?msg=32133.1.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldatingdil/?msg=32112.1.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldatingdil/?msg=32104.1.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldatingdil/?msg=32073.1.

I could go on, but this is enough for now..

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Comment #9

Hi,.

To an extent relationships, dating, anything involving a man and woman involve some song and dance, i.e., game playing, if that is what you want to call it.  From my own personal experiences, and reading advice columns and books written by men, I believe the man should say it first..

In fact, there is a book excerpted by the previous poster which counsels women not to be putting more energy into a relationship (thru Match.com) than the man..

If this is game playing, then so be it, but it is reality. .

Bunny..

Comment #10

There is a good reason I did not post on boards where you responded to me.  If I choose to be with this guy, then that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.   If you can't provide any constructive advice and be judgmental as far as my being with a man who is young enough to be my son, then DON'T.  Throwing up my previous posts only serves to show me you have your own agenda.  You don't care about my situation..

For some reason, we both are trying to make this work.  We care about each other.   It did start out rocky due to my skittish about the age difference and his work and travel schedule, and his insecurity about what I do when he is not here. .

 Many relationships and marriages between people close to the same age don't work out.  There is no sure thing.  All one can do is their best and take it one day at a time. .

Please don't post to me any more.  Thank you...

Comment #11

I can choose to post to whomever I want to.  If you don't want to read my posts, that's fine - the ignore button is on the left..

You have continually made poor relationship (thru Match.com) choices and this is no different.  Best of luck..

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Comment #12

Not sure what type of advice you're looking for ... as it seems that you are only interested in responding to the advice that 'encourages' you to stay in this situation ... but ignore the advice that IS actually helpful.  .

For those who are new here (and there are always new members), and haven't had the history/background of all the previous threads, those posters are actually hindering (not helping) when they encourage you ... because they haven't had the benefit of all the background.  Thus, Vexer's post with the previous threads..

Personally, I believe this part of your initial post is very telling ... I'll break the paragraph down into individual sentences, you said << Thus, we don't have much time together.  >>.

In which case, IMO,make the most of the time you have.   It DOES seem like you believe that when/if he gets a more stable schedule that things will be better; however, how does that change things when you are fundamentally at different places in your life; he doesn't want kids ... and you have kids; the differences go on and on..

<< We have done nothing outside of hanging out at my house when he has an evening off.  >>.

Which means, you don't have a boyfriend.  .

What you do have is a hook-up ... a FWB.   Sure, that is a type of 'relationship' ... a very limited one.   And yes, there is a such thing as an exclusive FWB ... that is simply an agreement that you aren't sleeping with other people. .

A boyfriend would take you out when he has an evening off ... maybe not EVERY time ... but, at least every now and then.    A movie?   Dinner?  A concert?  Even a walk in the park.  Doesn't have to be expensive ... doesn't have anything to do with money, really ... going out for ice cream?   Something other than hanging out at your house which requires ZERO effort on his behalf. .

And with that, essentially, what you are saying is that you've never been on a date?  That is, if you have done nothing outside of hanging out at your house.   .

(again, I''m not saying this to strike a defensive response or to be adversarial ... but, it appears that you are ignoring the facts.

<< He did take me to breakfast once.  >>.

Wooopeeee!  He took you to breakfast once ... in over 2 months?  And that is the extent of what you've done outside the house together?  (again, I mean no offense ... but, I don't think ANYONE here would read 'relationship' into what you're describing)..

I mean, honestly, is this working for you? (apparently not or you wouldn't keep posting).

And just because he isn't in town that much is no excuse ... he could be doing more, making more effort, that is ... if he were TRULY invested and interested in being a boyfriend.   And just because he's 26 doesn't mean he doesn't know how to go on a date.  .

<< Otherwise we have dinner together here at my house, watch TV, and have sex.  Since I have known him, we always had sex when we got together. >>.

Read: Classic 'hook up' situation..

Man, he's got it GOOD!  No wonder he doesn't want things to end.   Let's review the facts ...  he rolls into town, he gets a meal, gets to kick his feet up, watch TV (probably his choice of movie ... doens't even take you OUT to see a film) ... and then, after you cook him dinner and watch TV with him ... he gets laid.   Sounds like every guy's fantasy relationship, lol!   Zero effort with all the reward!!!.

Bottom line: you know this isn't a 'relationship' ... it's just an exclusive hook-up ... but, you're afraid to admit it because you know, deep down, you're getting walked on.   He keeps TALKING a good game ... but, talk is cheap.  He talks about getting serious ... but, let me ask, given the set-up he has now, what incentive or motivation does he have to get 'serious'?   I mean, seriously?!   As things are, he never has to take you out ... you stay home .... he gets dinner and sex.  Why would he WANT to make it more than FWB?  .

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Comment #13

Well, whatever my situation is called, it suits me fine for now.  But your post did give me pause.   Perhaps I should consider seeing other people in addition to him. ..

Comment #14

"In fact, there is a book excerpted by the previous poster which counsels women not to be putting more energy into a relationship (thru Match.com) than the man.""Do you believe everything you read? Evidently not or you wouldn't be trashing some of the other posters who IMHO are SPOT on with their advice (and usually are).""If this is game playing, then so be it, but it is reality. "This is YOUR reality not everyones. Mature adult relationships don't play games. YOU play games you get played... like attracts like, always has always will. Lay down with dogs and you get fleas.If you don't like the advice don't take it... I am sure you will be back on here plenty of times about the same stuff over and over again until you have had enough of the situation...

Comment #15


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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