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What would you do? Spouse on Match.com and porn sites....?

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My first question is: What would you do? Spouse on Match.com and porn sites....?.

My next question is:  .

Hello,.

My boyfriend and I have both been divorced 3 times and have 9 kids between us. We have been living 2gether for a year and a half now. We call each other husband and wife and each others family as inlaws etc. Our children accept us as step parents. We have had major struggles and stress as you can imagine with 9 kids and 6 exs. We constantly have to work on our relationship, and any time we get lax or distracted by stresses in daily life we get close to splitting, but always somehow get it back together and usually closer and with more insight to each other.

Truth is both my boyfriend and I said that in the beginning of relationship. Matter of fact was a requirement from both of us before we would even consider dating (online dating with Match.com) each other. His friend made comment that when he asked my boyfriend why he doesn't marry me, that his reply was that I didn't want to marry. His friend asked me didn't I find interesting that he didn't say that he didn't want to marry? My eyes got huge. He asked me, what if my boyfriend did propse? Would I say "yes"? I told him of course I would, I am already commited to him for life.

His friend said....what if he never asks because he thinks you would never say yes?.

OH OH!!!Here's my conundrum......I have had set belief he never wants get married again and he has same of me.  Since his friend has talked to me I can't get thoughts out of my head. Nothing would mean more to me than for my boyfriend to want to marry me. After all we have both been through and all the fears we have had from past relationships etc...and our views of marriage when we met....well....to want marry after all that is even bigger commitment for us than for a couple who never been married or divorced..

But have we ruled out that option by how we started our relationship? Is it to late for that? We have called our relationship (thru Match.com) a paperless marriage. I thought I was happy with that. Now not so sure. That conversation with his friend has had me wondering. And suddenly I want more, but only if my boyfriend does too. Whatever road we walk in life want to do together. Not sure what to do.......

Comments (5)

Your question was: What would you do? Spouse on Match.com and porn sites....?.

It's never too late to get married. My sister just got engaged a few weeks ago after living with her boyfriend for 16 years! There is nothing that says you can't have a strong committed relationship (thru Match.com) first and then get married later. Sometimes waiting a bit can be good as it gives the relationship (thru Match.com) time to settle and you get a better feel of what you're heading in to before walking down the aisle. If you've changed your mind about getting married to him, then just talk it over with him.I will be honest though and say that there are two things which raise red flags in your post. The first one is the number of times you've been married before. The statistics are somewhat grim for couples who've been through as many previous divorces as you have.

Plus, it does indicate that you both have a history of splitting up when a marriage gets tough. I would never say that you shouldn't get remarried just because of your past history. However, I do think that it's a reason to be extra cautious before you get remarried.The second, and possibly bigger red flag, is that you say you've gotten close to splitting up a number of times. That could be a sign of an unsteady relationship. All couples go through tough times.

If breaking up becomes a real possibility when things getting tough, then it could be a sign that either you are in the wrong relationship, or that you still need to learn how to communicate and work through your issues better. Regardless of their past history, I would recommend for ANY couple who says they come close to breaking up at times to hold off on getting married. If you believe that he is a good guy and worth holding on to, then I would suggest working on the relationship (thru Match.com) through counseling or reading relationship (thru Match.com) books to learn how to improve it. Then, only if you are confident about the relationship, would I go ahead and get married. I would suggest the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"- by John M.

It's based on actual research that was done in what keeps a relationship (thru Match.com) together unlike many other books which are just the author's personal opinion. If you want to try some premarital counseling, emotionally focused therapy has a higher success rate than other types of therapy. You can find therapists in your area who specialize in it through this website: http://eft.ca/findtherapist.phpGood luck! I really hope you guys have a long and prosperous future together...

Comment #1

Relationships are always changing and evolving (because people are always changing)  - it is a good idea (in general) to do a routine check on each party's goals, ideas, desires to make sure that the relationship (thru Match.com) is meeting both's needs.  If your relationship (thru Match.com) is evolving in a different direction than how it started that's fine and wonderful as long as that direction is a place where both of you wish to go.  Good luck!..

Comment #2

 .

I should have been clearer but was trying to accept takes two to work or argue. My bf always ready to split when things get hard. Not me. I have not once wanted to end relationship. Best way I can describe my bf is he always seems to have one foot out the door because every time things get hard his first instinct is to run. But I also question myself at these times and wonder if I could have done/said something to counter his wanting to leave.

Another person said it right though(in response to "too late?". Think maybe was thinking marriage because I felt a way to get commitment from him that I haven't had. I am already commited for the long haul. It's my bf commitment that I doubt. I don't want to leave, but am always scared about his saying done.  Each time he says he won't say or do again unless really done....then does again.

Latest only 2 weeks ago. Have come to wonder if he can't have a committed relationship...married or not.  Don't know. Have talked to him. He says he wants to marry one day, once we have weathered more and when he doesn't have that urge to run anymore....but says that might just be "who he is" now after all his divorces..

He describes his previous marriages /divorces:.

#1 he was in Navy. Got out and she wanted get married and move back to his home town with him. He doesn't like confrontation and she has a strong personality. He says he settled, that thought never be more than that so married her, brought her home. They had 2 girls....then a break during which she got sick and depressed. He says he got her pregnant with son cause thought make her happy.

He wanted to end, but not liking confrontation, had affair instead. I think to get Wife to ask divorce. And of couse she took him to the cleaners..

#2 is the woman he had affair with. He said that was out of guilt. More than anything. They didn't last long or have any children together. I don't know much about her or this time. He doesn't say too much bout her and since no kids I have never met her..

#3 he met through his brother. She was still living with her ex but they were not "together" anymore (she said). Early dating (online dating with Match.com) my bf she got pregnant and so he ended up marrying her. Year later they had another son. While married to her he went 3yrs not seeing his oldest 3 kids because she couldn't stand them or his 1st wife, to "keep the peace and make his marriage work". He divorced her because she cheated on him. Decided would never marry or get serious again.

Spent time just casually dating (online dating with Match.com) and spending time with his kids..

My marriages/Divorces.

#1 My HS sweetheart. We had been dating (online dating with Match.com) 2years, were engaged to get married when I finished college. My first semester at university I got pregnant. Got married after baby born (for ins reasons) and got pregnant with second on honeymoon. Was 20 then. I was still working and going to college.

We didn't last 2 years. I left him. We had ugly divorce. I was 21. Was not ready for marriage and will admit I quit..

#2 Was 27, had just come home from medical discharge from the navy. My life was upside down when met him. I also tried drugs for 8mo(so dumb). We thought in love(thanks to drugs) and eloped. Quit drugs. He started getting violent before we were married a year.

Did not want divorce again with kids, and felt guilt for leaving first. Decided try make it work. We went to counceling for year. Got pregnant with my youngest. He started getting violent again after he was born, and found out he had been cheating.

Youngest still only few months old..

#3 Met yr later. I was 30. After dating (online dating with Match.com) 6mo, he started talking marriage. He had never been married and no kids. Told him we had live 2gether min of year before I would even consider getting married. Felt he needed to know what he getting into with kids etc. And I needed to know how he would be after my first 2.

He was in the Navy. Got out few months after our year anniversary. Moved us to his hometown. Month later left and said he didn't want to be married. Moved in with his parents who never liked me or kids.

They from tiny town in AR. Turned out he moved us out there to establish residencey so get divorce there and that he had been cheating every time out to sea when in navy. Ouch. About year after divorce, we started talking again. Became friends.

And we talked it all out and made peace. I was 33..

Took me a while before started dating (online dating with Match.com) and when did was very dissappointed and leary of single men my age. Decided take a break from dating. Came to town I am currently at to visit my best friend while she was here visiting her family. My kids were visitting grandparents during summer break. She wanted me see her hometown. Her teenage daughter I have helped raise was going to try living here with grandmother.

While up here, she took me out and we ran into my current bf...an old friend of hers since HS. Neither of us was looking to date, let alone get serious. Just seemed to happen. We talked about our fears and surprise. We both said we didn't want get married again since never made difference as far as commitment.

We ea felt way before we said aloud).  Decided introduce kids to relationship. I had already decided move up here before we got serious to be near my adoptive daughter and because I thought this great place raise my kids. Had to finish my lease first. By time got close to moving here and was looking for housing we were serious. He suggested we move in together.

At first was hesitant. After another month changed my mind. Almost 2 years later, here we are..

Kids still love each other and us. I love his kids as my own and treat them so. However when there are issues with "his" kids that how he treats it. As "his kids". Gets defensive with me. Probably cause how his last wife was.

My first so long ago. His 1st wife's husband runs a business with my bf. We get along ok but he can't stand her. And him and his third HATE ea other. Hard on kids and I work hard try keep the peace. His 1st is kinda nuts.

3rd nice to me when she wants something. She ignores kids and lets us have as much we want. When we cant she has a fit. She has a daughter from before my bf that she has custody and collects child support. Daughter at her dad's 5 days or more ea week.

She wants it that way with my bf too. We raise kids but she gets child support. When she mad at my bf though she keeps kids from us cause she knows hurts him. Tells kids they don't have to listen to me cause I am not their mom. Give you idea what she like.

But what a long had road. I am scared for all of us. If my bf can never fully commit...

Comment #3

Does he want to run because he cant figure out solutions to your problems or is it because he sees red flags..communicates that..and doesnt know if he should stay?..

Comment #4

Yes, communication is important throughout the relationship, as is not taking each other for granted, feeling you know everything there is to know so nothing left to learn about your partner. You always want to make discoveries, that is how things stay fresh..

,..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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