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What should I think?

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I'm totally new to these boards, but a situation came up that I'm embarrassed to talk to my friends about and need advice on. I'm fairly new to dating (online dating with Match.com) due to an early marriage (married my high school sweetheart) and a recent divorce. For the past 6 months I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a man who's in his early 40's and has been a life-long bachelor. He seems to care a lot about me and we've talked about getting married at some point and starting a family. Early on in our relationship (thru Match.com) we agreed to be exclusive with each other.The problem is that he went on a short vacation by himself recently and I found out he packed a supply of condoms when he packed for his trip. I asked him about it and he said he just did it out of habit and had no intention of using them.

Should I believe him and let it go?..

Comments (12)

Your question was: What should I think?.

No, you are not overreacting. A "supply of condoms"? Give me a break...

Comment #1

That depends. Has he established a pattern of being truthful with you? Is he consistent in his words and actions? What has his behavior been in past relationships (from what he's told youi.e., has he cheated or been faithful)? If he has, then yes, I'd say let it go.Sheri..

Comment #2

Hi.Well, you certainly aren't overreacting. If I'm in an exclusive relationship (thru Match.com) with a man and he goes on vacation alone, there's no reason for him to take a "supply" of condoms...none whatsoever. What is that?? Like a box or two? Who takes a "supply" of condoms on vacation "out of habit"? Have you ever had any reason to believe that this guy has cheated on you? If so, then you have your answer. If not, then it could've been his intention to do so while on this vacation. I mean, you have no real "proof" that he did anything, so you have to go with your gut here...seems like the writing's on the wall. Of course, it's up to you to decide whether or not you believe that one.

I wish you luck...just remember, you don't need to be with any man who would not only lie to you, but give you some dumb excuse, making a fool out of you! Good luck!Mali..

Comment #3

Thanks for the replies, it's good to hear other people's input for a reality check.Until this past week when this all came to light, I've had no reason to believe he's cheated on me. He seems to be open and honest with me. He doesn't pay attention to other women when we're out together. Also, I've made it pretty clear to him that I'm not the type of women who would stay in a relationship (thru Match.com) with a man who's cheating, so he knows this is a big deal.The "supply of condoms" was really just 4 or 5, not boxes of them, but then again he was only going to be gone 4 days. My gut is telling me there's no good reason to bring any condoms. When I asked him about it, he looked like a deer in headlights and seemed to be scrambling for something to say.

The doubt is just really lingering. And like Mali said, it seems like he's making up lame excuses and making a fool out of me...

Comment #4

OK, umm, yeah, that's a little odd.  It would be one thing if he keeps a toiletry bag already packed and forgot that the condoms were in there (I have a small travel bag that I keep a small toiletry bag packed in there with all the basics so when I have a quick or short notice trip that I can just pack clothes and go), but if he literally took his "supply" out of the medicine cabinet and put them in his bag... that's way different.  I'm sorry, but you don't pack a "supply of condoms out of habit" when you have been exclusive with a woman for 6 months!  That just doesn't fly in my book!.

Also, did you see them before or after the trip?  If it was before and you called him on this, did he take them out or leave them in?  I guess it sounds like you found out after the fact. .

Anyway, yeah, I think you have a right to be ticked, but as Sheri said, I think what's most important is to look a the bigger picture.  Is he truthful, honest and overall a good guy that you trust?  Did he SEEM legitimate in his excuse that it was an oversight?  Yeah, this is strange to me, but if he's never given you reason to NOT trust him, this might just be something to keep in the back of your mind but let go for now..

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Comment #5

Well, as someone who travels frequently, I can tell you that I often go on autopilot when packing and will scoop toiletries into my bag from a drawer that I keep that kind of stuff in and always take stuff out of for traveling. I don't necessarily really pay attention to whether I'll "need" each thing or notthe stuff from the drawer goes in the bag and that's that. Is it at ALL possible that's what happened here? Or would he have had to make a conscious effort to put the condoms in his bag?Sheri..

Comment #6

That's exactly what he said happened. He said he went on autopilot, went through the drawer where the condoms were looking for other stuff and just packed a couple of condoms, too, without thinking about it because he was packing lots of things. This is really hard for me to imagine because I just don't operate that way, but maybe it's the truth if you do the same thing.The other weird thing is that he knows I use that drawer, too, so he knows I would notice they were gone. If he was really trying to go behind my back, would he really be so blatant? I noticed all this after the fact, so I don't know how many he actually brought, I just know there were some left in the bag when he got home. Ugh, I hate all this doubt...

Comment #7

Agreed - in my pre-packed toiletry bag, I think I had a couple condoms for a while even when I wasn't dating (online dating with Match.com) anyone or when I was going someplace that I had absolutely NO intention of hooking up but they were in a side pocket of the toiletry bag and I just never UN-packed them from it.  I clean it out and replace things on a regular basis so I eventually threw them out when they expired and I didn't replace them..

I think it's an unusual situation, but not totally inconceivable if he did something like this..

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Comment #8

The "deer caught in head lights" thing and scrambling for words is bothersome. He said he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the relationship (thru Match.com) so just let this one go and make not of any other strange behavior in the future. Like, if he comes back ultra affectionate from this trip...that would be guilt. I can see scooping up toiletry samples like toothpaste, deodorant, floss, etc. - not condoms. I cant see why he would do that to hurt you...which it did and it has let the wind out of your sail about him...unless he just want to screw with you or your head.

Maybe he is a tad insecure. Men do the most damaging things to reassure themselves of their woman's love. They end up ruining relationships with their stupid behavior...which is the opposite of what they say they want...

Comment #9

Well - if this bugs you, have an open conversation with him and let him know that it DID bother you, perhaps more than you thought it might (own your feelings and share them) AND you are choosing to believe what he said. And you do not dwell on it any longer - because you have CHOOSEN to BELIEVE him. If you dwell on it - you aren't believing him. Trust is something you choose to do and have and give. Unless there is anything else to cause you to doubt - then make the choice to believe him and leave this in the past. If you can't/won't then you really don't trust him - just remember - when you look for things to distrust, you will always find them.



Toni..

Comment #10

Thanks to everyone for the input. I think tonitoons is right, I'm going to choose to trust him, let it go, and move on. If anything like this happens again, though, I'll move on without a doubt...

Comment #11

You've been dating (online dating with Match.com) nearly six months and he packed condoms by reflex?   I can understand your discomfort but on the other hand lots of guys do like to have condoms on them..

But it is something to absolutely keep in mind. How is the relationship (thru Match.com) going? Is he monogamous? Do you trust him? How does he talk about other women around you?  I would want to put things in perspective.  But also why was he taking a vacation alone?.

,..

Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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