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What should I do?

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I dated this guy a year ago for about 7 weeks. It ended with him being mad at me. Rightly so. I played games. He has been really mad at me for a year. I hurt him badly.

I am waving the white flag and I am surrendering and trying to be friends again. I texted him an invite up to the local sports bar to watch a race and have a beer. He did come up. We had a really nice time. He was sweet to me.

We talked. I still really like him. I am in a better place now. I want to be with him as more than friends. I dont know if thats what he wants.

When we were leaving the bar I said Hey call me. Keep in touch with me. And thanks for coming up. I worry that by saying keep in touch that I was implying that it was no big deal if he called like a casual invite to call me. Like you would tell a friend hey when you are in town call me.

But I really wanted to say Call me now.

So it's been 5 days and he hasn't called.

He races for a hobby and he has a race this Saturday. When we were seeing each other a year ago I sent a text to him just before the race saying Good Luck. I would like to do that again this year b/c this is the same month we started seeing each other last year. Heres my problem. I had texted him to come to the sports bar and he did. But did he come as friends or what? If we are just friends I know I can send the Good Luck message and not care about his reaction.

I want to give him the time he needs to work out in his head that I deserve the second chance. I know the saying Hes just not that into you if he doesnt call. I believe that is true. However, would texting him a good luck wish be pushy? Like wow this girl is not letting it go? Would he think I was behaving like I did last year. I kinda want to send it so that 1.

2. He knows I am thinking about him. 3. He knows that I didnt mean stay in touch some day in the future but within a couple days..

Again I know the dating (online dating with Match.com) books say let the guy call you But in this case I kinda feel like I need to initiate b/c he is so leary of me. Or was just seeing each other at the sports bar enough and I should back off and wait?.

I really want to do it right this time. No games. But b/c of tender emotions I need to tread this one very lightly.

Thanks..

Comments (8)

Your question was: What should I do?.

No games means being straight-up and telling him that you like him more than friends.  This would make life alot easier as you wouldn't be sitting wondering how he is interpreting your actions as there is no way to misinterpret "I like you more than friends".   After telling him that you like him and he *still* doesn't call you, then you'll know for sure that he really isn't that in to you and you can move on.   I think texting "good luck" is pushy.  Saying how you *really* feel comes from an honest and confident person.  That's much more attractive.  If he doesn't like you back then you can quit wasting your time. ..

Comment #1

I have to disagree with the previous poster and say that texting him a simple "good luck!" before his race is much less pushy than straight-up telling him your feelings.  I think it's kinda cute, especially if you don't get too upset if he doesn't respond to it the way you want. .

You are basically starting over from scratch, and honestly, would someone telling you their feelings if you weren't entirely sure of yours be pressure, or not? .

After some time of really getting to know each other (as you are NOW, not how you were then), developing some kind of stronger foundation in friendship, trust and honesty, no game-playing but having lots of fun together, I think the question of should you tell him would be more appropriately addressed.  But now?  He'd run for the hills for sure..

Everyone is different.  Good luck with your decision..

 .

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

CL-Understanding Men.

CL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) Doyenne.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #2

<< I have to disagree with the previous poster and say that texting him a simple "good luck!" before his race is much less pushy than straight-up telling him your feelings. >>.

Ditto.   If anything, I think sending him a "good luck" message would let him know that you're interested (or at least, open the door for it) ... since it's something that you did when you were dating.  ..

Comment #3

IMHO, if you want to be more than friends with this EX then you have to come clean and tell him that you've changed and that you're not into games and such anymore. See, the last he felt was pain and the last he knew were mind games coming from you. Inviting him to a bar and texting him "good luck" won't do the trick. .

If he wants to keep his heart and self safe from you won't take the bait. He'll do it until you come up and say "Hey, I've changed and I'm not into games anymore. Would you give me a second chance?". If he does good for you, but if he doesn't I wouldn't blame him...

Comment #4

 If playing games is in your nature, then you will play games again. What makes you think you wont play games this time?  I mean...think this through before you promise him you wont play games again..

I think it is a good sign that he showed up at the bar - he may be willing to forgive you.  I think that you need to speak to him again and offer an apology...a sincere apology and ask him if he can forgive you for treating him badly - taking responsibility for what you did and coming out in the open with it.  If you just try to brush it under the rug and do not discuss what took place between the two of you...and he has been very angry with you...then you run the risk of him retaliating against you - you dont know why he jumped to see you again, do you?  This would mean that he would now screw your head up.  I'm not saying that he would do that...but it has happened to people who I know over the years..

Over time, if he has accepted your apology and communication goes well...then you might want to be open about your rekindled feelings.  Right now, you are trying to slowly ingratiate yourself back into his life.  I'm sure he realizes why you are doing it but if you dont want to play games then you might want to handle this in a straight forward kind of way, without being pushy..

If you did not value him for who he was at that time in your life...why would you value him now?  You see, even if things are going bad in one's life...one still knows when they have crossed the path of a unique person and usually they try to make sure that they dont take that person for granted.  Usually when this happens between two people the person who is not thinking about how he or she is behaving really doesnt care much about the person who got tossed into the trash...because he or she knows that another person will come along eventually. Is it shallowness, or selfishness?  Who knows?  Maybe you did feel so bad about your life that you didnt care about anyone or anything...I have been there so I know that feeling.   And..when there is regret it is because one just feels bad about being known as someone who treats people badly...and tries to rekindle because of guilt...not because of real caring.  Because if one really cares...regardless of one's life situation...he or she doesnt let the other person go.  I know I am that way - I wouldnt be so quick to let the other go...and if I did...then I have to think that maybe I didnt like the person as much as I thought. .

I've been on your side of your equation...not because of game playing...but because I have been careless and let a guy or two slip through the cracks...but I have not regretted it..when I look back at it.  And I have been on this guy's side of the situation and I have not regretted not taking any man back who all of a sudden wants to rekindle.  Usually it was because no one else was around or in his life...or he thought I was playing coy hard to get games by breaking things off when I discovered he was playing games...and I wasn't.  I meant what I said..."goodbye"..

Good luck with whatever you do.  And if he does forgive you and wants to get back together...then you are very lucky...

Comment #5

Update. I did meet with him and we talked. He was so sweet and honest. But he said he really likes me as a person. He's even sexually attracted to me but he doesn't feel it in his heart. Said he just feels like he should feel it in his heart.

So I have my answer. I'm really glad we talked and I am really glad I have an answer. I feel like I can close this chapter. THE END..

Thanks for your advice...

Comment #6

Sorry to hear that things didnt work out for you.  At least he had the guts to tell you to your face what was going on inside of him.  He did give you that respect.  One day you will meet a guy who will feel all three things for you, like, attraction and love...

Comment #7

Kudos for this guy. He gave you an honest answer.  Move on and set your eyes in a willing and baggageless guy...

Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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