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What makes a guy want a bootycall vs.rel

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Hi, I'm a nurse, and around two years ago I started talking personally to one of the doctors that I worked with who I had a crush on. Before that, I knew he may have liked me or thought I was attractive because of the way he looked at me at work. He was very forward, flirty, asked me out immediately, and gave me the impression that he was interested in dating (online dating with Match.com) me and not just hooking up. However, our first so called date, was him coming over to my apt and wanting to have sex with me and forward, which put me off, and I did not sleep with him at that time...He said he wasnt particularly looking for a relationship, and gave me the impression he was only looking for bootycall and I found out shortly after he knew he was moving in 3 months.  I am a quiet person, and not overtly sexual by any means. After that we were getting along great, and started a bootycall relationship, which was fine, and I understood that there was not gonna be any real relationship (thru Match.com) and he was moving in a couple of months. I did not call him to hang out, and we hung out once every 2 weeks kind of. At times I became attached but never let him now, since it was clear, he didnt want a real relationship (thru Match.com) which I took meant he just didnt want a relationship (thru Match.com) with me....but it made me confused because he seemed soo attracted to me physically...anyways he moved and that was that, done over with....Then six months ago, we started talking through myspace again, and I had moved to New York and him Reno, Nevada...and once a month for the last six months he asked me if he could come and visit and I said yes, cause I thought oh what the hell i'll get to see him one more time, and it will most likely be the last time...so on the phone before he came and flew across the country to see me, he said in conversation, "you know I like you" which I took as only friends given our history and I never clarified....so our visit was good, not great, because I found out alot about him and we are sooo different, got along had a good time, and I did sleep with him...and when he left, I got closure, and starting to get over him...Then last week, he tells me he has a new girlfriend after only knowing her for two days, and now they are in love etc....which surprisingly hurt me a little, because I knew in my head we could never be together given our distance, and I guess i'm wondering why he thinks this girl is GF material sooo soon, and didnt feel that way about me back when we met... Did I make a mistake that spoiled my chances, I didnt sleep with him at first, which I thought was the right thing to do?? Now for some reason I want to know what were his true feelings about me, and I cant find out now, because he has a GF and he'll think I'm psycho girl...All I knew was that he thought I was a sweet girl, which I am very nice actually too nice, and enjoyed spending time with me and we were friends....And I also want to know if he did like me enough for a relationship (thru Match.com) but since he knew he was moving didnt want to start one......Any ideas on what to do or comments on the relationship (thru Match.com) and his feelings about me.....Thanks, I appreciate brutal honesty...sorry soo long..

Comments (6)

Your question was: What makes a guy want a bootycall vs.rel.

There is a key difference in how men and women approach love and commitment:.

Women fall in love and decide to commit to the man they fall in love with.  Men decide to commit and and then find a woman they can fall in love with - who has the qualities they are looking for.  A very subtle but key difference.

Think of it as being hungry. You don't decide to get hungry - but when you realize you are - you want to get food. Most men and some women, approach relationships the same way. They aren't 'ready' (i.e., hungry) for any number of reasons that include establishing a career, getting their finances settled, clearing their emotional messes out of hte way.... So no matter what temptations are placed before them, they will at most just pick or nibble. But when they realize 'Hey, I'm ready' (or Hey I'm hungry) - they make a beeline to get what will appease that hunger.

In your case, it may be that the visit was an attempt to determine long term capability - which you said was good but not great. It sounds like you weren't sure of his LT compatibility either?? And in finding that out, he moved on - because he was hungry and you guys weren't a match. Note that this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - just you aren't a match - like a black and blue sock don't match. It also doesn't mean he didn't care either.

He wasn't 'ready' at the time you met because his future wasn't set - he had things to settle and take care of first. And when he did, then he turned his focus on settling down.  This has nothing to do with liking you enough for a relationship- it has everything to do with timing and compatibility. There have been a few men in my life that I liked 'enough' for a relationship (thru Match.com) - but not 'enough' to commit a lifetime to. Understand the difference..

It truly is about timing. compatibility and being ready. You may know you want certain things in your life, but you HAVE to be in a place to be able to allow them in - meaning you have to prepare for their arrivale and continued presence and have a willingness to move on the opportunity when it arrives. And if you aren't in a place to be able to handle the thing you want yet, you let it go gracefully and keep doing what you need to do such that when the opportunity shows itself again, you ARE ready to handle the responsibililties and obligations that come along with it.

Learn the lesson here and let go. You did nothing wrong nor did he. This just wasn't meant for you..

 .

Toni..

Comment #1

There is nothing wrong with either person, but if there's no connection there just isn't.  And I know everyone uses this word "connection" and it sounds trivial, but it is difficult to find and there is no explanation behind it.  It's that thing you can't quite enunciate... sparks, whatever... it is special and both people know it, usually right away.  Have you ever had guys like you, but you didn't like them back the same way?  I've had many of these.  So it just goes both ways. .

In any case, you yourself said, "I found out alot about him and we are sooo different".  So it looks like you weren't compatible in the first place.  He lives across the country from you, has a new girlfriend.  The reason it is nagging at you is because it knocked your confidence.  You should never let one person have thta much power over you, let alone someone so insignificant in your life.  Do some things to build confidence so that if this happens again in the future, you'll be better equipped to handle it.  There is nothing wrong with you,  You just weren't right for each other...

Comment #2

I dont think that it is all about whether you were judged as a bootycall versus relationship...I think that you answered your own question with your statement about how different the two of you are and that the visit wasnt very good - he probably felt the same way.  I know you didnt' engage him in particular conversations...like when he said he liked you...and in those situations you dont really know what to do.  Do you probe further and then feel like you are risking him wanting to fly out the door...or do you appear a little too aloof and risk him thinking you really arent that into him?..

Comment #3

Thanks, the reason I didnt engage him was because I thought already that he didnt like me, and didnt want to look like an idiot since he was coming to visit from across the country for one weekend...so I thought there was no way we would develop a relationship (thru Match.com) since I live in new york and he lives in Reno, Nevada....but now I want to know the true feelings, I guess I regret not finding out, but I just assumed I was being used for a bootycall...but maybe your right, he put the signs out and I didnt pick up on them.......thanks for your insight appreciate it......

Comment #4

<<and didnt want to look like an idiot since he was coming to visit from across the country for one weekend...so I thought there was no way we would develop a relationship (thru Match.com) since I live in new york and he lives in Reno, Nevada....but now I want to know the true feelings, I guess I regret not finding out, but I just assumed I was being used for a bootycall>>.

This is called 'playing it safe'. Not stating your own feelings because you don't think they are reciprocated is being safe. Not taking a chance and stating what you want when you aren't sure you will get it is playing it safe. When you are in an open and receptive place, you are not afraid of looking silly, not getting or otherwise losing something or someone. And when you operate from a place of fear rather than love, yes, you do often have regrets.

Rather than regret what you didn't do - learn from this. KNOW clearly what you want your life to look like. What kind of relationship (thru Match.com) you want and what kind of partner you want to share it all with. When you KNOW these things clearly, you are less willing to walk away from opportunities to have them and you are also less willign to compromise and get/be/remain in a situation that doesn't fit.

Doing these things will open you up to be receptive to others and to more clearly see what is and isn't possible.  When you are guarded, you are more focused on protecting yourself from hurt than you are on how you can show love to another.  Remember, it's on each of us to show love to others, it's up to them to receive it.

Learn and let go.

Toni..

Comment #5

I'm sure there may be feelings of regret of not finding out more...but...if he was someone who you really wanted to have a relationship (thru Match.com) with you wouldnt have let that opportunity pass you by. There will be another man who will cross your path one day who will be a better fit for you...

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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