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What is up with match.com?

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My first question is: What is up with match.com?.

My next question is: I need some feedback about my current situation. About 2 months ago I started hanging out (dating, I suppose) this guy. At the very beginning he would text me most days during the day just to say hi while I was at work and in general, I felt as though he was wholeheartedly pursuing me. He continues to be affectionate when I see him and is always responsive to hanging out and hearing from me, but lately I feel as though I am the one initiating contact more often. That doesn't really bother me too much because I'm not a fan of playing games and I am definitely the type that likes to just go after things that I want. However, I'm afraid that since I don't know what his intentions are for me  that I will end up feeling like a fool if it turns out that he doesn't want to turn this into a real relationship..

I guess some background info that might help is that I'm 26 and he is 33 years old and has a 5 year old daughter, who he has about 5 days out of the week. He has a really busy career, in business for himself and owning a lot of properties so I know that between work and his daughter he has very little time to just do what he wants. We still see each other a minimum of twice a week. I have met the daughter - I went to his house on Christmas night and played with her for a while and thought it went well. However, him having her makes it hard for us to go out a lot of nights so what ends up happening is that I go over or a movie or something after she's gone to bed. This doesn't bother me, as she is part of the package, but it doesn't help me to gage where I stand with him since we aren't going out on typical dates as often as most people newly dating (online dating with Match.com) probably would.

I definitely think that these circumstances have an effect on how much time he can put into a new relationship, and I respect that providing for his child is and should be his number one priority, but I just want to make sure I'm not making excuses for him, and that I shouldn't consider his letting me initiate contact more often a red flag..

While in some ways everything seems to be progressing well - he hasn't disappeared, he still is responsive, and we get along fine, I'm also TOTALLY unsure of what he's looking for from me. There are some things that make me feel like it's relationship-ish such as us going out for a nice dinner last week for his birthday and him inviting me over on Christmas when his daughter an cousins were over.. But then there is also a part of me that wonders if I'm just convenient for him?.

 I feel that it's probably too soon at two months to have the "exclusivity" talk, but at the same time we are seeing each other, talking to and sleeping with each other regularly, and I think that out of respect for myself and for him, it is only fair for me to know if I'm the only one he's doing this with? I'm starting to get emotionally involved and I can't stop thinking about it.  On one occasion I did go over his house after a night out with my girlfriends and we (obviously) hooked up... that night I did mention that I didn't want it to turn into the kind of situation where I just would go over to hook up and all he said was "that's not the situation." He doesn't seem like the type to want to talk about his feelings, etc, so that makes me ten times as scared to say anything. .

Ugh, If anyone has any input for me I'd greatly appreciate it. I think I'm just overanalyzing the whole thing for fear of being hurt. Damn trust issues getting in my way again!.

 ..

Comments (4)

Your question was: What is up with match.com?.

You said you are "not a fan of playing games and I am definitely the type that likes to just go after things that I want" but then you also said "He doesn't seem like the type to want to talk about his feelings, etc, so that makes me ten times as scared to say anything"..

Those statements are contradictory.  Dont lose yourself with this guy.  You should never be ashamed or scared to express yourself...

Comment #1

Thanks for the advice. I am going to say something. Here's where I need more help!!.

The last time I saw/heard from him was when I left his house on Tuesday morning. It's now Thursday afternoon. It's not a huge deal to go a few days without talking but usually we don't go more than 3 days. I am sure that if I contact him, he'll respond... although I'm sure a lot of people would say "DON'T - LET HIM COME TO YOU!".

I know he's been working super late days and like I said, he does have his child to care for, so I'm sure he's got a full plate.. but shouldn't he have at least sent a quick text to see how I am?!? Like I mentioned, lately it seems like he's been letting me initiate a lot of contact but is always response positively..

I have two options.1. Wait until he contacts me and then when we get together I bring it up. (This would result in my ego staying in tact by not calling him, but I'm not sure I feel like agonizing over this until he decides to do that.).

2. Call/text him tonight and see if he's around, then lay it down on the line. (Provides instant gratification, but might make me appear needy).

Jeeez, I never thought I would become this crazy girl!!!..

Comment #2

If you already think you're crazy then why would you call him.  It's onyl been two days.  Just chill out.  If he doesn't call you, then he's probably not that interested...

Comment #3

Men typically don't call to just chat - they call when they have something to say. Since he does have a full plate, then his focus is elsewhere and unless you have directly said, "I like to hear from you X amount" and he will assume you are fine - after all you are an adult and he is caring for a child. Why would he need to call to see if you are 'ok'?  This is where women mess up - fear keeps them from being open and vulnerable to a man. It also gets them going down a path of measuring his love by how often he calls when they have the same opportunity to call and connect.

So, if you WANT to hear from him more often say so. "I miss you when I don't hear from you for several days"  This says 2 things - I want to hear from you and that I'm opening myself up to you.

Expecting him to call you because it's what you do is an exercise in frustration. Say what you want and give him teh opportunity to provide it. You are not his #1 priority but that doesn't mean he doesn't care or think about you. .

I am all about the man doing the pursuing - but that doesn't remove the woman's responsibility for remaining open to the connection AND maintaining his interest and sense of fun.

If you are 'feeling crazy' then you do need to sit back and chill - that crazy feeling is NOT a good thing - because you are insecure and want him to reassure you of his affection. And that intense 'need' to remove that insecurity will cause you to try to force intimacy. Teh end result is that the sense of fun and enjoyment he has shared with you, now becomes work. He has enough work..

Google Catch Him and Keep Him by Christian Carter - he's got some great info on the crazy making mindset that can sabatoge a new relationship. Hon, if you can't let go of the need to be reassured by him, then you will find that he will be more and more resistant to contact - because emotional intensity is draining and tiring and NOT FUN..

Toni..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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