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What is the success rate of dating sites such as Match.com, EHarmony, ItalianPersonals, etc?

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My first question is: What is the success rate of dating sites such as Match.com, EHarmony, ItalianPersonals, etc?.

My next question is: Okay first off actually this is a guy speaking. Just thought it would be invaluable to get things from women's point of view so here I am.

So, recently my long distance girlfriend broke up with me via text messages. The situation is, we met before she left for grad school about 7 hours away, she comes back here maybe once a month and of course during holidays so she was here last Saturday onward due to christmas break. We've been dating (online dating with Match.com) since late July.

Things got really busy second half of the semester and we werent able to call or text as much as we did in the first couple months. This bothered her and she started feeling guilty she couldnt offer me much, and for a while she was saying the guilt was eating her up that she couldnt return my calls or texts much, and could only talk to me so often, and that I deserved better treatment. She tends to place a lot of responsibility on herself, I've seen this as a trait in other areas so I dont suspect that she is making it up when it comes to this subject..

Some other factors at work - she is a single mom, and her school schedule was always crazy busy between trying to get enough reading in and taking care of her child..

She returned to town late Friday night and I had talked to her for a few min. on the drive down and texted her to see what her weekend schedule was like. No response, I sent her another text the next morning just to say hi and see what she was up to. She texted me back ...she was a bit overwhelmed with a lot of things going on (taking care of the kid, trying to read for school, and helping with her parents' business)...and she said that she felt guilty she couldnt even return my texts, and that she couldnt do this anymore, the guilt was eating her up and that I deserved better treatment. She then said if she couldnt treat me right she should let me go instead of tying me up, she refused to treat someone she cared about this way etc..

I told her I understood she was busy and things were ok, and that we should talk before she made the decision. She persisted though and held her ground saying that I deserved better whether I knew it or not (this is still all via text). During the conversation I expressed disappointment that she was doing this via text and she didnt even want to see me to talk about things (mind she had already said we would get to catch up and talk when she got back for the holidays).

Her response was that her life was so crazy she didn't have any time to see me..

Since then we have gained some closure but I'm still a bit offended - aren't you supposed to try to talk to people you care about face to face when you're thinking about breaking up with them? And not do it via text? And we did really care about each other..

On top of that it turns out she was indeed going to have time to talk to me before I left home to visit family for the holidays, though perhaps at the time we talked she had no idea what would shake out in her schedule..

Later I wrote her a message telling her how I felt she treated me disrespectfully by breaking up via text and she said she was sorry, and she only did it because she was scared, she was scared if she saw me she would never want to let me go and do the right thing, which to her was to break up due to her guilt over not treating me correctly as she saw in her eyes..

I said that it would have gone way better and she wouldnt have hurt me as badly if she talked to me  in person - I said I needed to see you and talk to you in person to be able to let go less painfully and not feel as disrespected, her response was that she was opposite in that regard and really sorry, she did it because seeing me would have made her want to keep me no matter what and it would be too hard to break up with me..

So, she broke up with me via text, lied (or assumed?) about not having any time to meet or spend with me when she actually did, and did it because she was afraid that she might not be able to let me go (which is what she felt was the right thing to do). I think that's the basics..

Was she justified in breaking up via text message, given the conditions, or is it still way too impersonal and disrespectful for what supposedly is a relationship (thru Match.com) with mutual care and respect? Did I deserve a normal conversation? Or was text appropriate in this regard because seeing me would have made it difficult for her to do what she needed to do?.

I've never broken up with anyone any other way than face to face, I always thought it was just plain cold and disrespectful, that's why I'm having a hard time with this since it doesnt fit her, she was always very loving towards me..

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Thanks.

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Comments (7)

Your question was: What is the success rate of dating sites such as Match.com, EHarmony, ItalianPersonals, etc?.

This whole new era of messaging instead of speaking verbally just irks me to no end..

I agree that if you previously had a relationship (thru Match.com) where you saw each other and phoned each other...then the appropriate thing to do is to breakup in person..

If she saw you in person it would make it too difficult to break things off with you - I agree that she could actually see things that way.  Yet... it is too impersonal.  She could have done it over the phone with you - if you are long distance. She did what was convenient for her .. not considering your feelings.  If she feels that she is not giving you what you need...then she did do the right thing. Too often people want us to accept less than what we want or need - she did the opposite..

Are you able to move on and find a new gf or do you hope for reconciliation with this girl?  Did you discuss leaving the door open?  Reason I ask is that people do what she did...breaking up because of time constraints/obligations, etc when they possibly hope for reconciliation in the future.  But...would you want to rekindle a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone who didnt have the courage to face you when your relationship (thru Match.com) history called for that?.

I have been in a situation where the guy and I have only had messaging so when I decided I had had enough..that is how I handled it. He didnt give me the courtesy of a visit or a call when I needed him most...when *I* needed to talk...so why should I treat him better than how he treated me? .

While I admit that I do not have all the info to have made an educated decision to break things off , I had no choice but to handle things this way.  He backed me in a corner and that wasnt a wise thing for him to do. He didnt want to provide me info on what I needed at the time.  He has messaged me that he wants to meet with me to talk things out but I am annoyed because I needed to know what his role was in things that have been happening around me a long time ago and he wouldnt tell me. He'll tell everyone else BUT me - and that is ill treatment as far as I am concerned, mocks my situation and dishonors me..

If we do end up meeting in person one of two things could happen: either I'll want to put his head through a wall or I will weaken in his presence, or worse - ack! - sleep with him.  I wont know what underwear to wear that day .. hehehe.  Sorry - couldnt resist..

The problem I see with him is that he'll want to go from zero to 100 and I dont trust him at all anymore because he has given me no reason to trust him - his treatment of me was piss poor.  I dont consider that we were bf and gf - while he might,  so he would want to reconcile on that bf/gf level when I dont think that is appropriate for us - because of how he has treated me.  I expected MUCH more from him than what I got - he talked about being serious with each other on a romantic level and my expectations rise..as his status increases in my life.  I mean he didnt even show loyalty on a friendship level during the last two months - why would I even want him as a friend?  I cant believe I even bothered to help him/covered his back when people were conspiring against him and he didnt even know it.   I knew things were over in Sept. (in my heart)  but I watched him from afar to see if I wanted him in my life in any way at all.  Friends dont join in on hurting you or giving gifts to your enemies.   He showed no commitment or loyalty to me..why should I consider him more than a stranger?  He argues that I dont have all the information and I dont have the correct information - well, whose fault is that? Not mine, that's for sure..

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Comment #1

"Was she justified in breaking up via text message, given the conditions, or is it still way too impersonal and disrespectful for what supposedly is a relationship (thru Match.com) with mutual care and respect?".

No, she wasn't justified.  She's a coward.  Please do not ever take her lead on this and do this to someone else in the future.  -do.not.be.like.her.-.

"Did I deserve a normal conversation?".

Of course!.

It was long distance and not only that, but she didn't even have time to keep up the relationship (thru Match.com) in that manner.  The things to be glad about now is that she was honest and has now quit wasting your time so you can meet someone better for you.

Blair.

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Comment #2

Thanks for your thoughts..yeah I'm still a bit twisted up because I don't doubt her intentions - out of anyone I've dated she's had maybe the best heart out of all of them. And, regarding the whole guilt thing, while she was away several times she'd ask me if there was anything she could do for me from there because she felt like she was offering me so little. I always tried to tell her that she was the important part to me, and worth the trouble, and that I would be ok with the ebb and the flow of the school year but I was never that successful at allaying her guilt. Again...she always felt so responsible and could never shake the feeling she should have been giving me more..I knew she couldnt so I never held it against her but she still felt like she kept us from moving forward.That said, the day she broke up with me using text was especially crazy for her, I know, and I think she probably felt overwhelmed and didnt think she could handle seeing me on that day of all days. I still feel wronged that she didnt want to say at least "I cant do this - but we can go over it next week when I can get some time free." We had discussed before that if things didnt work out due to the distance/time situation that we still really cared for each other (e.g. the her+me part worked - the situation didnt), we both felt it was something good, she said several times that I'm the best guy she's ever dated, and would keep the future open for each other if things lined up once she was back full-time (she will be returning here once grad school is done in 2 years) and we both happened to be available etc.

LOL - or by text messages..honestly that's the least personal way I've ever been broken up with, it really made me feel cheap and disposable, which really threw me for a loop since I never saw it ocming from her, she was one of the sweetest and most loving girlfriends I've had.Flipside...maybe those traits made it that much harder for her to see me in person and tell me she couldnt keep me because she felt guilty.Anyway to answer your question...we both hope there's some future possibility after she returns. But yeah...it gets to me that she didnt have the courage to face me..I have to balance that with the fact I know she wasnt trying to treat me badly. I could empathize more I suppose if I didn't compare to myself...I've been terrified of breakup conversations I had to have but I still sucked it up and gone and done it because I knew it was the right thing to do and the other person was a good person and deserved that much. Then again....I've never had to break up with someone for her reasons, much less had someone I was really afraid might make my resolve crumble if I was anywhere near them. Which, honestly, she always did to me and I felt I did to her..not in any manipulative ways, just saying that we always had very sweet, very strong, loving chemistry anytime we were together.Do I want to rekindle with someone that didnt have the courage to face me.

In this case, well hell I still love the girl so I cant think straight right now, I'd probably eat barbed wire if that's what it took, but I think the reasons why she was afraid maybe make me soften my stance some. If it was because she just wanted it to be done and was trying to get rid of me hard and fast, ok, she would be X'ed out of everything hard and fast in return - I know enough from exes coming back and telling me I was the best guy they've dated that I tend to be good to who I date using Match.com and deserve at least a few small bits of respect in return, a decent breakup conversation is part and parcel of that. But in this case, I know when we're together we have really great chemistry so I can sort of understand her concern she wouldnt be able to follow through if we met...but hell, even a phone call would have been better.sugarbaby_gal - Hmm don't know what to say about your situation, except that yeah, he probably didnt rate much more than an electronic breakup. Isn't that the crux of things? You dust people off when they do you wrong or they dont mean much to you at that point.After some reading I'm also thinking..hmm...some of this crap is generational..people under 30 and esp. in their early and mid-20's increasingly see text as safer, less confrontational way to break up.

I'm a text fiend myself. But damn I would never cut a person loose by text unless they were scum. Maybe some of this is a bit of generational disconnect - oh, background I just turned 37 and she just turned 31, so 6 years difference. Maybe not enough for there to be that generational difference factor I don't know.Your guy...sounds like there's a lot more sketchy background there. If he was flaky and didnt give you much confidence in whether you were important to him in other areas and at other times, then, well, he hasn't earned a lot of accommodation in return.

If you dumped a guy who was nice to you by text, because things werent working out and you didnt think there was any future, and you just wanted a quick exit ASAP then of course I probably would think you took a cowardly way out.Ugh....we all have to fight to retain what's personal and human these days...so much miscommunication when people cant talk and share face to face.....

Comment #3

I despise texting and this is a good example as to why.  Yes you deserved to be talked to face to face, she did not have the courage to do that and she was rude and inconsiderate of your feelings..

She kept telling you she felt guilty about things, I personally feel there is more to the guilt than she is saying..

You sound like an intelligent and nice man, I think you deserve better and there are lots of women out there that will appreciate and love you..

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Comment #4

<<She kept telling you she felt guilty about things, I personally feel there is more to the guilt than she is saying.>>.

I had this thought too. I don't know of anyone who had crushing guilt over not being able to text or call all the time - I know lots of people who feel guilty when they are cheating or lying. I also think this is why she did the whole breakup by text and wouldn't see you - because if you did see her, you would also know she was lying abotu the time thing. .

We all have the same amount of time - and we focus on what is important to us. If she wanted to call or text, she would.

Even if she was on the up and up - it is clear that she doesn't want to give you her time. So, while I think it quite tacky to break up via text, she did you a huge favor. She is a weak woman from your description.  yes, you deserve respect and courtesy - she showed you neither.

Toni..

Comment #5

Just before seeing your message I had posted on another i-village about somebody who was complaining about the use of text messaging in a different regard. As I told that girl, I don't understand why people text message at all. Isn't it easier to just pick up the phone and dial? Anyway, I agree that she was wrong for her to break up with you over a text message. It's a cowardly thing to do. As you've mentioned, even a phone call would have been better. She was thinking of herself and not how it would affect you...

Comment #6

Awww...you two do sound like you care for each other very much..

For sure...breaking up by email or by text does make one feel cheap and disposable..

"If he was flaky and didnt give you much confidence in whether you were important to him in other areas and at other times, then, well, he hasn't earned a lot of accommodation in return. ".

And  ~there~  you have it..

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Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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