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What is the deal with the women on match.com?

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My first question is: What is the deal with the women on match.com?.

My next question is: I need advice.  I've known him for 10 years. we've been friends for 5 years.  He got divorced last year and so did I.  We started dating (online dating with Match.com) and fell madly in love.  We get along amazingly and my kids love him.  We made plans to get married next year and planned a life together. This weekend he suddenly tells me that he has unresolved issues with his ex and feels guilty about not going to counseling before they got divorced.  He says he has to try this ( They were married 34 years).  I have found the man of my dreams.  He said I was the girl of his dreams.  what do I do?  Wait for him to make up his mind? Give up? I'm so depressed. I can't stop crying...

Comments (11)

Your question was: What is the deal with the women on match.com?.

I can see why you cant stop crying - what a blow.  Based on what you posted he doesnt seem to know what he wants in life.  I'd let him go and thank my lucky stars this didnt happen once we got married.  However, that doesnt ease your heart or your pain.  You need someone who is steadfast and determined - not a wishy washy guy who talks the sweet talk and doesnt follow through...

Comment #1

It sounds like two things are going, maybe..

First, are there rebound aspects to this relationship, so soon in love, so soon after your divorce?  I've been there.  When I first separated, before I even filed for divorce, I hooked up with a friend from college.  I wanted to be touched, to laugh, to flirt, god, just to have a nice conversation rather than argue over dinner.  And there he was.  This guy who made my middle-aged self feel attractive.  I thought I was madly in love.  But as it turns out he wants kids, which is not in the cards for me.  We move on, date using Match.com others, fast forward and I saw him the other day.  The friendship aspects were still there but the chemistry was muted, quite a bit so.  I don't think true love would have died so quickly.  I think he was my rebound, a release for all of the emotion from my divorce and re-introduction into the dating (online dating with Match.com) world.  I tell the story to illustrate and then ask, is the power of your or his emotion rebound?.

Second, I hear that most attempts at reconciliation do not work.  Most likely they'll get back together only to realize why they separated; and the unresolved will resolve in favor of divorce.  Plus, in the back of his mind, will be the knowledge that other better relationships exist out there. .

So, between now and then, tell yourself it's definitely over so that you can at least start to rebuild.  Find a group of single friends, something non-dating related to do with your downtime.  Then if he comes back you can take a fresh look at him, make sure he wasn't rebound.  But if he doesn't come back, well, then work to heal and move on.   It can be fun, dating.  But also it just seems that single people, even while focused on finding dates, enjoy their lives much more so that the unhappy couple.   .

Best of luck to you...

Comment #2

Thank you.  That was probably the most insightful answer I have heard to date.  I guess if you've been in the same situation, you understand so much better than anyone else. You've helped, and I appreciate it. ..

Comment #3

Well, somewhat the same but somewhat different.  The issue I had with my after-the-marriage guy is not something that can be fixed.  There's a real possibility you will hear from your friend again.  But I really can say that being single and on my own and with a nice base of friends, even while there's loneliness at the edges, iit is much nicer than being in a bad relationship.  I hope that you find that place, too, if he doesn't come back. ..

Comment #4

Don't wait for him! I know that you are devastated right now, but you need to move on. He's been divorced for a year and suddenly wants to "make it work" with the ex? I hate to say this, but I have a feeling that he's probably already been trying to "make it work", if you know what I mean. Or, she's been somehow manipulating him so he feels guilty, or causing him confusion. Is he telling you everything?If it's meant to be, it will be.. in the meantime, take care of YOU!..

Comment #5

I'm so sorry. This is very tough. But it's better for him and for you in the long run if he sees that he's beeds to resolve the past before being truly ready to move on.  That's good advice for you as well.  Going for some counseling yourself would be a good move. Very often people move from one relationship (thru Match.com) to the other because they are afraid to spend time with themselves, getting to truly know themselves..

This is not to say the two of you may not wind up together but you should take this as an opportunity to discover yourself and what you truly need. Good luck. We are here.

,..

Comment #6

Hi mamplanes,.

Glad to have you on the board!!!.

I'm sorry that you are going through this and I'm sending you lots of hugs!!!!  Don't worry about crying.  Just think of those kids of yours and hang on!!!!!.

I've had something similar happen to me.  It wasn't fun!!!  How about choosing a mix of waiting and moving on?  I don't think we should ever wait around for a man to make up his mind.  It makes it too easy for him.  After my divorce and getting back into the dating (online dating with Match.com) world again, it seems that men feel a lot more guilt about divorce then us women do.  Maybe his ex is laying it on thick..

I think it may be best to let him go.  Do you really want him if he's not totally yours?  At this point I don't think he is.  Just get through a few hours at a time.  Once that is easy move up to one day at a time, etc.  Before you know it.  You won't feel like crying anymore.  Keep your options open when it comes to your future and if he figures out his life and you feel comfortable then okay.  For now - this doesn't seem okay..

Best wishes to you!!!.

 .

           ..

Comment #7

Yes this is very sad, very difficult, but better now than if you had gotten married and then he came to this conclusion!.

,..

Comment #8

I think you meant this for the original poster - welcome back Sherry...

Comment #9

 .

For the OP and also m_kiera:.

This one hit a note with me even though I wasn't the woman left behind. It happened to a good friend of mine, her second marriage of two years and he went back to his wife and family of grown children. Of course, everything is more complicated, but here's the point..

After about two months max of fighting depression and seeking professional help, my friend got on Match, sifted through tons of responses (She's attractive, absolutely, also photogenic and quite normal and low key; it's one of our jokes, how very normal we both are.) she met *D* and they've been together ever since. (Yes, I'm simplifying again, but it was rather smooth.).

To this day, she thanks her ex-husband for leaving. So, you never know. I'm NOT one to say things happen for a reason. I hope you get some help for the rough spots. Meanwhile, don't lose either your hope or your zest for life. Some time is needed here.

Www.mylifeasadate.com..

Comment #10

Thank you.  I think you're right, sometimes time is needed.  I was reading someone else's response to another poster and she said, in sum, that someone who's in the midst of ending a relationship is not a good prospect for dating.  I really agree with her.  So I started dating (online dating with Match.com) this guy from college again.  This isn't rebound any more, which is nice, and we shall see.  I figure, he knows how old I am...

Comment #11


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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