What is the deal with

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My first question is: What is the deal with

My next question is: I was reading the other post about the problems finding a good date.  And I realized my problem might be the opposite I seem to be able to find nice guy prospects.  I just don't seem to be interested.  For example, last night I stopped by this little Thai place on my way home, sat at the bar to place my To Go order.  There was a young guy at the bar too, sitting by himself.  Turns out he's a PhD student.  He started telling me stories about his thesis.  He was very smart and seemed very sweet and eventually he offered me a taste of his marquerita.  I decided he was too young and I left.  Then tonight I was at a happy hour and two of the divorced lawyers I know decided to stay for dinner.  They invited me to join them.  I decided they were too old and I declined and I left.  On the way back I called another man I had met on-line.  He has a great personality; he's an athlete and a vegetarian.  He asked me to dinner.  I decided he was a bit odd, so I said "maybe next week."  The only guy that I've hung with, who I've been dating (online dating with on & off for about a year now is a worse than me.  He is a 40+ year old batchelor that has a habit of disappearing.  He'll just drop off the face of the earth for a week or so and then he'll call up and say "hey."  He flirted with my friend the last time we all went out.  Once or twice he actually made jokes about the other girls he sees.  This guy, who is the quintessential eternal batchelor.  Him, I like.  Of course one doesn't get any more safe than this (dating a guy who can't commit is a great way to avoid commitment)..

I guess my ex was so depressed all the time, I have never felt such relief as I felt when we divorced.  I don't ever want to be entangled like that.  But I am afraid, like others my age (in my 40s) that I'm going to end up spending the next half of my life alone with cats.  Is there a way out of this ambivalence?   I am not one of those who is happy alone.  I want to know what it's like to have a good relationship.  But I don't know how to get over this reluctance.  Any advice?  Thank you...

Comments (8)

Your question was: What is the deal with

It does sound like you have issues with commitment.  Did you seek counseling after your divorce?  You might want to consider talking to someone to deal with this..

A good starting point for looking at this issue on your own is He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter. .


Comment #1

I dont think so. But forget about the bachelor - he's trouble...

Comment #2

Often, the lack of desire to connect with others, means there is something that still needs to be worked on within ourselves..

I have similar problems... men who want me, I don't want.  Men who I want, aren't emotionally available.  I have even pursued emotionally unavailable men, and then as soon as they say, 'ok, I love you,' - that's the day I end the relationship.  Psychology suggests that I am not emotionally available either.   The term for it is called Love Avoidance.  Some say, Ambivalent Love Addict.  These are terms for Googling in case you want more info..

But...but...but... yes, Santa Clause, I really want a relationship..

In my situation, I know I need to work on my 'stuff' until I've cleared enough of it to accept the love/attention of others.  I had a similar situation to your marriage, but I was just living wtih someone for a few years.  When he moved out, I thought I would be sad... but instead I danced around the house - and, like you, promised never to do it again.  10 years later, as a single woman... and I have been successful at not doing it again... but it's a little lonely..

From what I have learned, we are each responsible for our own realities.  I know that if I REALLY wanted a relationship, I could be in one.  Despite popular opinion, I don't think there is a shortage of men, at any age.  However, I just need to figure out what part of me is resisting the concept of commitment, and work on that..

My 2 cents... not sure if it helps.....

Comment #3

I dated that guy.  The "bachelor" guy.  He was great when I wasn't impressed with anyone I was casually dating. .

But as soon as I found a great guy that I ended up in a serious relationship (thru with for a year, bachelor guy got tossed by the wayside.  Suddenly, I liked him, but not enough for me to pick him over relationship (thru guy..

These men that you're not that impressed with probably aren't all that impressive in the first place, so I wouldn't feel too bad about not being attracted to them.  Don't feel like there's something wrong with you just because you're picky.  Picky is not bad. .

So many men have lost the art of wooing a woman.  They see whoever offers up the path of least resistance.  Do you really want to date using one of those guys?.

I'd rather be alone with my cats.  I'm only 42, and I've started my collection already!..

Comment #4

You seem to have done a good job pinpointing your own problem. If a relationship (thru is important to you, and you find yourself finding a reason to decline every guy right away, you may want to try giving these guys more of a chance. When I was younger, I'd gone after a guy and gotten burned. Then, to keep myself from getting hurt again, for the next three and a half years, I rejected every guy I met right away. My excuse was that I was looking for the one ideal man. However, with every single guy I met, I was saying right away that he couldn't possibly be what I was looking for.

The funny thing is after I started doing this, I ended up falling for a friend of mine. He was one of the guys I'd met after the incident with the other guy, and I just immediately thought he wasn't my type. When I became open-minded to the possibility that maybe it could work, then things started to change. That was all ten years ago, and now I am happily married to him. It's fine to have some standards about seeing somebody again, but you never where love will strike.

I would suggest that next time you find yourself ruling out a guy you've only just met because he's too young, too old, too strange, etc., stay open-minded and give him a chance. On the bright side, you seem to be very good at getting yourself out of the house and also at appearing approachable to people. I'm sure that will serve you very well in finding somebody...

Comment #5

Thanks everyone for the advice.  Although bit of a mixed bag.  But there is truth in all of it.   Picky is good.  After all, the PhD student probably was too young; the lawyers probably were too old; and the whole vegetarian athlete soap-box would have gotten old fast.  But on the other hand, I think the best advice is to give the guy who shows interest a chance.  Who knows where it goes.  I should have stayed and shared the marquerita with the PhD student; dinner with the lawyers; and, well, actually the vegetarian guy probably was too weird.  But it is tough, I can feel myself resisting even as I write this.  After all, I know the lawyers, and I have no desire to call.  So maybe first I'll pick up the book Northwestern Wandere recommended.  Baby steps..


Comment #6

When you've come across a man who is all around right FOR YOU - for whom you too are all around right, you will find committing no problem at all. You are being choosy, and good for you. IMHO, 'commitment phone' is an invention.  'Afraid of committment' really means 'wants to keep his/her options open cause he/she/timing/both are wrong'. When the time and person are right, there will be no 'phobia' about anything. I wish you luck...

Comment #7


I totally agree.  ALthough we always hear the anecdotes about falling for a friend, or falling for the dude with the bad combover , in most cases, if I am not attracted to a man within the first few dates, it ain't happening. .


It only takes one, and all the ingredients have to be there for long-term success.  Of course, I know many women who will overlook lack of chemistry/passion because he is nice and available.  I just can't bring myself to do it.  It isn't worth it to me.  I would always feel cheated..



"When you've come across a man who is all around right FOR YOU - for whom you too are all around right, you will find committing no problem at all. You are being choosy, and good for you. IMHO, 'commitment phone' is an invention.  'Afraid of committment' really means 'wants to keep his/her options open cause he/she/timing/both are wrong'. When the time and person are right, there will be no 'phobia' about anything. I wish you luck. "..

Comment #8

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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