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My question is: What is the cost to join Match.com?.

My 2nd question is: Hi -.

A guy I just started talking to asked me out for dinner last night.  He is cute and we have made out a couple of times prior.  I was tired, but he talked me into it. .

Dinner was fine.  I was in the bathroom when he paid the bill.  I came back and asked if I could give him any money.  He said yes.  I was totally in shock and very insulted.  I gave him $20.00.  For me it is not about the money, but about the respect..

On the ride home I was a bit sarcastic due to being upset, but I don't know if he caught it.  When he pulled into my apartment complex I told him he could drop me off and I know he was expecting to come up with me and hang out. .

I don't want bad karma, but this guy is kinda an ass-hole.  He is 26 and I am 29 so I have some experience on him. .

What would you advice to tell him if he calls?  Should I be honest and tell him I was offended and feel that if he asks a woman out to dinner, he should pay?  Or can I just let it go and be distant etc...let it dwindle? .

Thanks,.

Keek..

Comments (7)

Ok, basically, you set him up.   Whether you want to realize/accept this or not ... if you offer to contribute, then ... don't get upset if/when the guy takes you up on it!.

Basically, you were testing him.   And again, whether you want to accept it or not ... most guys aren't as 'dumb' as (many) women would like to think they are ... they've been there, seen this before ... and they KNOW when a woman is testing him.   Which you were ... you even said << For me it is not about the money, but about the respect. >>.

So, he took you up on it.   That's all.   As a matter of principle, if a person offers to contribute toward the bill ... most people would like to believe that they are doing so from an honorable place ... because you genuinely want to contribute.  .

By getting upset, let's put it this way ... you failed his test (ie, you showed that you weren't really interested in contributing to the bill ... that you were testing him) and he failed your test (ie, by accepting your offer)..

But, let's look at where the 'test' started ... with you ... by offering!  He was simply calling you on it by accepting.  .

Sorry ... not what you want to hear ... but, them there be the facts.   If you genuinely don't want to contribute ... then, don't offer.    Because the fact is ... he already PAID the bill ... his intent was in the right place ...

>> .... so, you were 'testing' him by offering ... and he saw thru it.  That's all. .

 ..

Comment #1

Hi Keek,.

Maybe he thought you were trying to avoid the bill by going to the rest at that inopportune time.  He could have been mad as well.  He tested you a bit and it seems that your put off by it.  If you like him continue to see him.  If you really think he's an ah, then why waste your time?.

Good Luck,.

 .

           ..

Comment #2

I totally agree with Starbuck- you did set him up..

Personally, if I had made the offer I definitely would not want to bring it up. .

IMO, I would just let it go and for future reference - stop testing!.

 ..

Comment #3

I'm in agreement with the thought that you set him up to fail here. If you OFFERED to split the check - then either be prepared for him to take it or accept that your offer wasn't sincere. If you were sincere in your offer - then you would not be annoyed or resentful for him. <<For me it is not about the money, but about the respect.>>.

What was respectful about offering someone money for a date using Match.com he asked you on and then getting mad because he took it? YOu are calling him an ass because you set him up to be one. Had you been gracious and said "thank you for dinner' without offering money OR been sincere in your offer to split the check, then you wouldn't have gotten an attitude about it..

Hon, if you want someone to 'prove' their respect by passing meaningless tests, then you will find yourself not going on many second or third dates. Respect goes both ways - don't offer what you don't want to do.  And when a man asks you on a date using Match.com - show and express sincere appreciation - offering to pay is not necessary or expected.

You can't have it both ways here - you can't offer to pay for your own date using Match.com and get mad because he accepted your offer. BTW - when a woman offers to pay for her half of the date, it very often signals that she isn't willing to be treated as special in anyway.  And a guy who takes it very often does show he's ok with not treating her that well.

Learn something here - testing someone like this is playing games and has no rooom in adult relationships. Be honest and sincere in all your dealings - it will save unnecessary conflict. As far as calling him - that would make you look even worse. Learn the lesson and move on..

Edited 4/15/2008 4:12 pm ET by tonitoons.

Toni..

Comment #4

<< Had you been gracious and said "thank you for dinner' without offering money OR been sincere in your offer to split the check, then you wouldn't have gotten an attitude about it. >>.

Exactly.   Particularly because it wasn't like they were sitting there both staring at the bill and she said "oh let me get half" ...and he agreed to that.  That is not what this is.   For crying out loud, he had already paid the bill!  So, his intention was solid ...he took her out to dinner..

 When women pull stuff like this ... it just makes me shake my head .........

Comment #5

<< I wanted to know what you would do if this happened to you?  Would you continue to see the guy or not? >>.

Well, this woudln't happen to me ... because I wouldn't offer to pay half and then get upset about it.  And I can say that without a shadow of a doubt ... because I have never done that ... and don't agree with the 'tactic' of doing so..

The ONLY time I offer to pay my share/half (if a guy asks me out) is if/when I'm not interested in the guy.  Which is pretty much a 'standard practice' if you're not into the guy.  .

But, I certainly don't get p**sed if he takes me up on it!  Because I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it..

I'm concerned that you're not acknowledging your part in this..

You do realize that the guy DID pay the check, right?   And you offered after the fact (when you returned from the bathroom) ... so, I'm not sure how you can call him a "cheap date" when he paid the bill without an expectation from you.   It was YOUR offer that set him up for putting a 'cheap date' label on him ... otherwise, if you'd just allowed him to pay the check as he had ... without offering ... you wouldn't be posting this here right now..

As for the 2nd question of "Would you continue to see the guy or not? ".

I wouldnt' hold my breath that he'll be calling anytime soon.    I dont think youre quite understand that he most likely GETS that you set him up.  And why would he 'get' that?  Because you reacted in an upset manner (rather than a gracious manner) afterward ... so, I doubt the guy is dumb!.

If he does call, then ... it's probably because he's either a) a nice guy and wants to give you another chance or b) is clueless. .

But, thing is ... if he doesn't call ... you'll probably be thinking it's because you didn't invite him up to your place, right?   Wrong.   I'm fairly certainly that even a moderately clueless guy would 'get' that you were testing him and not want to see you again...

Comment #6

Well, since I only offer to pay if I'm 100% ok with paying, the hypothetical answer is yes, I would continue to see him if I was otherwise interested in him..

But in actuality I only offer to pay if I'm not interested.  If I'm interested in him, I want him to court me, and paying is part of that so I wouldn't set him up by offering and not meaning it..

Sheri..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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