I really don't know what's turning me off. I can't find anything bad about this guy...
<< I really don't know what's turning me off. I can't find anything bad about this guy. >>.
I've been thru this a couple of times ... good on paper, good looking, treated me well, reliable, all that jazz ... everything was just well, *good* .. and this was in my late 20s ...I'd already been thru the "bad boy" phase so that wasn't it. There was absolutely nothing for me to NOT like about either of these men. Particularly one of them ... I dated for about 6 weeks, fairly consistently ... and it just ...
In hindsight, I figured out what it was ... and it may be hard to articulate but ... I'll give it a try: I didn't feel like I was having FUN! You know, just good 'ol fun. It felt like scripted dating. Like, I didn't feel like there was every going to be anything unpredictable. Of course, I very much appreciate reliability ... but, that's not the same as predictability. A little creativity goes a long way. Even when we did something fun like go to the beach or ... one time we went to Disneyland ... it just always felt like we were on a date using Match.com ...
But, I don't want it to always FEEL like it was a date using Match.com ... I wanted them both to lighten up a little bit. I just didn't feel like we were having a FUN time ... I don't want anyone to feel like he has to mind his p's and q's so much around me.
Does that make any sense?.
Anyhoo, I don't know if you get a feeling like the guy isn't at ease or is maybe trying a bit too hard ... but, ultimately, I think that is what turned me off. ..
Thank you for your input. I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I feel like every date using Match.com is just like our first date, where he is trying to impress me, trying to do/say the right things, etc. Sometimes I want to just shake him and say "WHERE IS YOUR PERSONALITY? I KNOW YOU HAVE ONE!" We have not been able to settle into a "comfortableness" that makes me feel like we are clicking. So the question is......do I give it more time? Or how do I know when it just isn't going to happen?..
I've never had the experience of chemistry developing if it doesn't exist from the start but I know women who HAVE it develop, so never say never, I guess..
I've give it 5-6 dates and if it's still not there, then let it go. I am in a similar situation and it's very frustrating because he's a great guy and I really *like* him, I'm just not attracted to him. Although actually in my situation it *did* turn me off when he kissed me (he's not a good kisser unfortunately) so I'm pretty sure it's not gonna happen..
Good thing starbuck came to the board because I never would have guessed that one. I have not experienced Mr. perfect P's and Q's. I've experienced Mr. Boring, but not Mr. P & Q. My second ex husband was very shy and it took about a month of seeing him a couple of times per week to get him to loosen up a bit. .
In looking back I was usually the one who took a step out of bounds first. .
So you just have to tell him to lighten up and be himself. He must like you a lot and gets nervous. When people get nervous they clam up and tighten up..
Now that you know what the problem could be I'd definitely give it some more time...
Wow, yeah, are you EVER making sense here. I'm having the same problem and it's a common one. In my case, after four dates, I've decided the guy is too much like an old man. He's very nice, makes an effort, but doesn't have a clue.
And that translates to what you said! No fun fun fun! Everyone's idea of fun is different and I know I need the banter, the flirtation, and the active stuffdancing, hiking, whatever.
But f-u-n covers itit's just your personal interpretation of what that means.
Clarifies it for me!.
Interesting. I don't think my problem is that he isn't fun. We've been out dancing and that was fun. And he loves to go camping and things like that, which I also love. I think my problem is that he is trying too hard. I just want him to quit trying to impress me and be himself. But I am starting to think.....maybe his IS being himself and this is just what he is like...
"Although actually in my situation it *did* turn me off when he kissed me (he's not a good kisser unfortunately) so I'm pretty sure it's not gonna happen.".
"Everyone's idea of fun is different and I know I need the banter, the flirtation, and the active stuffdancing, hiking, whatever. But f-u-n covers itit's just your personal interpretation of what that means.".
Everyone's idea of fun is different, I agree. I like good conversation, some flirting is always nice (it makes us feel attractive, right?), I do like the active stuff like snow skiing (havent gone in yearrrssss), sex, silliness and I need to be able to have fun or enjoy myself with the guy doing absolutely nothing (like sitting around the house just reading or watching tv) - that tells me a lot too...
" I think my problem is that he is trying too hard. I just want him to quit trying to impress me and be himself. But I am starting to think.....maybe his IS being himself and this is just what he is like.".
Are your ideas about romance similar? ..
"Are you ideas about romance similar".
Hm. Good question. I would say probably not. He's really into flowers, walks, holding hands, telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, all that stuff we women are supposed to love but that I think is a bit corny most of the time. I'm just way more practical. I mean, I like to cuddle and all that, but romance to me is the little things.....like bringing a treat for my dog when he comes to pick me up, or calling me in the middle of the day to say "look outside, it's snowing!" Goofy stuff like that, not sappy stuff...
I am a real believer in at-that-moment-spark, but this is all I've experienced. I'm sure it can develop. But for me, if it's not there right away then it's just not. I give it 2 dates, tops. Beyond 2, is a waste of my time (and his). ..
<< We have not been able to settle into a "comfortableness" that makes me feel like we are clicking. So the question is......do I give it more time? Or how do I know when it just isn't going to happen? >>.
Glad what I said made sense ... wasn't sure if I was able to articulate it quite right. But, yes ... you just want to shake 'em and say "lighten up!!" or "stop trying so hard!".
As for giving it more time ... I can't say ... I gave 'em 6 weeks ... whether or not you feel like there's enough of something there to give it more time is a personal choice. But, for me, feeling comfortable with someone is very important to me. ..
Welcome to the board!!.
Sorry I'm dropping in late here, but have you talked to him about this? It might be as simple as telling him how you feel. I don't think I'd say I'm not feeling that old spark, but that you don't need him to always be on his best behavior..
I am one of those girls that chemistry can develope over time. My BF wasn't/isn't the type that at first glance you want to do a double take, but he sure is now!!!!!! Some stuff hides under the surface and I don't think you have gotten that far down yet!!.
I haven't really talked to him about it. I'm not sure how to. Suggestions???? I'm not trying to brag here but this guy is obviously REALLY into me. We were chatting online and he said "I am just in awe of you." and I responded "Don't take this the wrong way, but try not to be toooo into me, or at least don't tell me that....it kind of freaks me out this early on." He said "OK". So that's about as far as that conversation has gone so far...
Maybe your styles just dont mesh. It is refreshing to see a guy who does care to put his best foot forward and actually care to make your time with him pleasant and appears to be considerate. So many men just do not care about things like that anymore. But, you'd like to see the guy underneath all of that gentlemanly courtliness. The guy who does wear sweatshirts and eats cheetos and watches the game...right?.
Some men are so rude and crude to women that they actually get the women to believe that something is better than nothing. Like the women should feel lucky just to be in their company - never mind how he treats them. I'm sure you've heard women say, "at least he did...." Ugh..
Thoughtfulness goes a long way, I agree =). And it seems that you like a guy who is thoughtful enough to think of your dog and to call you to tell you that it is snowing. .
The walks and flowers are great...when it comes from the right person. I'm sure if you met a thoughtful great guy who wanted to give you some of that romance...you'd eat it up. Just like if a guy came to your house all sweaty from jogging or any kind of sport...if it is the right guy...he can rub his sweaty body all over me any time! But if it is with the wrong guy...get the heck away from me..
I like men who have some passion, emotion, warmth to them - maybe this guy is too cool for you. ..
"It is refreshing to see a guy who does care to put his best foot forward and actually care to make your time with him pleasant and appears to be considerate. So many men just do not care about things like that anymore. But, you'd like to see the guy underneath all of that gentlemanly courtliness. The guy who does wear sweatshirts and eats cheetos and watches the game...right?".
Exactly! I don't want to buy into that stereotype that women are not attracted to "nice guys", but I feel like that's what's happening and I hate it. I've always been one to date using Match.com "bad boys" and it has gotten me nowhere good. I want to date using Match.com a nice guy, but I never seem to be attracted to them and I don't know if it's me or them. And if it's me, how do I change that?..
Here's the thing ... you don't have to apologize for who you are ... nor does he. He will find a gal out there who is going to lap up the oozzing and "ahhh'ing" ... personally, I'm SOOOO there with you ... I'm not that type of gal, either. I probably would have responded the way you have, too. .
The reason it freaks me out (and I don't mean freaks ... perhaps creeps is a better word) ... is because, if a guy is saying things like "I'm in awe of you" and whatever other overly-complimentary things he's saying ... well, IMO, how SINCERE can it be? I.e, how many women has he said the same lines with? And flowers and stuff like that ... I could care less ... now, I LOVE getting flowers from a BF ...
But, at the on-set ... it's like 'eh, ok' ... I'm MUCH more impressed when a person can just be WHO THEY ARE ... not demonstrating thru things like flowers and sappy compliments..
Sorry, but that kind of stuff reeks of insincerity to me ... that, or just plain 'ol trying too hard. .
Cut your losses. You guys are two different people. ..
<< I want to date using Match.com a nice guy, but I never seem to be attracted to them and I don't know if it's me or them. And if it's me, how do I change that? >>.
A guy can be a nice guy without being a sap. You just haven't met him yet, that's all. Don't fret. Just keep putting yourself out there. All I can say is, don't limit your options ... you might meet a guy who isn't the 'great on paper' guy but is still a NICE GUY ... it sounds like (like me) you want a guy you can pal around with AND have great chemistry with ... someone who isn't trying too hard to impress you ... is comfortable just BEING with you without all the fluff. They are out there ... just don't limit yourself too much in terms of what looks good 'on paper'..
Good luck! ..
I think telling him not to tell all this early was a really good start. Next time you are out and he's going over the top - tell him that you'd like him to relax some because you don't feel like you can do that much in return for him or that it's intimidating. If I were you I wouldn't start off by telling him that you don't feel a spark for him. I do think it is okay to tell him to relax and not try so hard. If you tell him it's obvious that he's a good man this might make him relax some. I'm betting that he's feeling you push away a little and it reacting to it..
"I'm betting that he's feeling you push away a little and it reacting to it.".
Yes, I am thinking that if I tell him I'm not feeling it, that will just make him try even harder! Don't want that...
Based on everything you have posted, I dont think it is YOU. I think that (like starbuck said) some of his ways may be insincere at the moment because he doesnt know you well enough to say all of those things and mean it. However, if you feel you are meeting his "representative" instead of him...then go with your gut..
Dont lump this guy in with the "nice guys." You dont know if he is nice yet. Everyone likes a little bit of bad boy in the men we date using Match.com so dont fret that either. I think you can find the happy medium you are looking for out there. But it is good that you do examine your choices and get second opinions on his behaviors because you want to make sure you read him right..