What is the cost of

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My question is: What is the cost of

My 2nd question is: I am 27 yrs old, recently completd my degree. I recently met a guy who is 2 ears my senior, nice and everything was ok except that I had to bend my rule of not dating (online dating with a shorter guy. He is 5 6" I'm 5 8".  However I thought that was the only little prblem, but after a couple of weeks I realized that he cant read well. He stumbles with simple text messages I sent him and thats how I found out.  I am not sure if I should leave him because of this. He had a terrible childhood, no one was ther to guide him and he dropped out of school at a very tender age. I gave him an ultimatum.

Do you think I was beign harsh?..

Comments (7)

I'd say you're being harsh. how long have you been with him? He could be dyslexic/have a learning disability in addition to the troubles he had early on. he's probably not proud that he can't read & you probably didn't make him feel better. maybe you could offer to help in some way, look into GED, a tutor... something. does he work? earn a paycheck? maybe he feels like he is doing ok & doesn't need additional education.

Every relationship (thru has a potential "deal-'breaker" & you may have to decide if this is one for you.

Just my 2 cents.....

Comment #1

I totally get and appreciate your POV - however your way of putting it to him sounds a bit unkind and snobbish. You could have offered to help him learn, find him a tutor or at the very least encourage him to use his natural intelligence to his advantage and finish his education.

Intelligence has always been more important to me than education - however, my expectation is that a person be able to function in life with the basics - reading, writing and math skills in addition to whatever other skills they have that allows them to be a productive member of society.


Comment #2

<< I gave him an ultimatum. If he doesnt go back and finish up his studies then I wont stay with him. Do you think I was beign harsh? >>.

Wow, that's not only harsh ... that's cruel!    Plus, you just started dating (online dating with him recently?  Wow, I'm at a loss for words ... and that's rare. .

Acceptance is key in relationships.   You can choose to accept a person's limitations and shortcomings ... or not.  And if not, you can always take your leave. But, to give him an ultimatum of "go back to school or we're done" ... that's one of the most insensitive things I have heard in a very long time.  .

You didn't say what his response was.   But, if he's still speaking to you, I'd be surprised. And if he is, then ... it must be because his self-esteem is already so low that he's willing to put up with this sort of thing. ..

Comment #3

Hi nocollet26,.

Welcome to the board!!!.

I think you were harsh as well.  Since you've already given him the altimatum, I think an apology is in order.  And then tell him you would be happy to support him in finishing up if that's what he would like.  Notice I only said support.  I don't think you can help him do this.  This is a very personal thing for a lot of people.  My Father's education was interrupted when my Grandfather was seriously injured while running the family saw mill.  At 14 my Dad had to take over, which meant quiting school and getting a drivers lic. to deliver the lumber.  My Great Grandmother (who is known for her meanness) insteaded that he continue school at home, but we all know that isn't easy.  Dad did graduate, but I know his education suffered for this..

Think of what your man has accomplished in his life and then factor in that he didn't finish school.  He's probably made huge leaps in his life.  I know education can make an individuals life much better, but be sensetive to the fact that as an adult people don't learn as easily as a child and adults and very tuned into the fact that the world is not kind to other adults that have not finished high school..

I hope that you can show your man the respect that he deserves.  Good Luck,.



Comment #4

This is very sad.  A person won't do something unless he really wants to so if this is the spur he needs to learn to read, great. But if he's not ready he won't.  But tough love might not be best tactic to take.  What is stopping him? What is he afraid of?  I'm guessing monye is a factor. He needs sensitivity and caring.  Perhaps you can still be his friend even if it doesn't work out as a couple.


Comment #5

You said you recently met him so does that mean you've only known him a couple of weeks and have been on 1 or 2 dates? Isn't that a little soon to be issuing ultimatums? It doesn't even sound like you're in a relationship (thru with him if you just met him. There is nothing wrong with having dealbreakers or standards for the kind of men you want to date, whether that means they must be taller than you, able to read, employed, etc. Once you discover that a man you're dating (online dating with doesn't meet your standards in any area, and it's a dealbreaker, then you simply stop dating (online dating with him. It really isn't appropriate to demand he change in any way in order for you to continue to see him. Likely, he is very embarassed about his inability to read well, but that's up to him do something about without any prompting or ultimatums from you.  ..

Comment #6

I don't think you're being harsh at all. It's not unrealistic to not want to date using a high school dropout, although when you say he dropped out at a very tender age, maybe you mean even earlier than getting to high school. There's programs out there to help him, but he's got to be motivated enough to get through them. It's a very bad sign that he's 29 and never felt motivated enough to try up to this point. Actually, I'd have to say that even if he learns to read and gets a GED, he's still probably not the right guy for you. It's a huge gulf between you having a degree and him getting to his present age without even wanting to be bothered to learn to read...

Comment #7

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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