Your question was: What is the best thing I can put in my match.com profile to get girls to respond?.
Yes to all. In my opinion you should not see him anymore. He is not ready to start dating. He is not over the grieving/healing process. Rebound dating (online dating with Match.com) sets everyone up for hurt, usually..
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My next door neighbor.
Wants to ban all guns.
THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.
Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.
Them with my guns..
She's visiting the dog and he's teary eyed over her? I agree with the previous poster, this is not a good set up for you. He's not ready to date using Match.com and so anyone that dates him at this point is most likely destined for heartache. ..
Even if he likes you, if you start dating (online dating with Match.com) him before he's ready, his feelings for his ex will eventually confuse him enough to make him want to be alone and the relationship (thru Match.com) will probably be ruined. That may not be how it turns out exactly, but it's the most likely probability. At this point you would fall securely into REBOUND territory, and we know how those usually work out.Giving yourselves time is the best way to ensure a better chance of it lasting. He has to heal first...
Well, I did put a stop to being in touch with him as I wanted more and I understand that he cannot give. He was sending me mixed message (I guess he was trying to be with me but hurt too much)..
I have not talked to him in two months and left it that he should only contact me in the future if he is in a better mindset. I've reconsidered not being in touch with him. I don't like the fact that we are not talking at all so my next question is.... .
Do you think it is ok for me to email him and simply say (then not email anymore, of course)....
"You've been on my mind and I've been doing some thinking and if you need a friend I am here"..
I don't want to seem like I am chasing him but I also feel that I left it all or nothing with him and want to fix that. I did not realize two months ago that it would bother me so much to not at least be friends with him. I've known this man for a long time..
Thanks for your help!.
Edited 8/25/2008 7:57 pm ET by hillaryt123..
Yes to all three as the other poster stated.
The think it's the law of physics that states "two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time". If he's still talking to and about and spending time with his ex, his space is occupied..
Just in my experience, and not a fact, men more than tend to jump into new relationships too quick hoping it will help them to move on when they are just using them as a painkiller not to feel and grieve their loss..
If you get into contact with him, you are just going to start the cycle all over again with him. If you want to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone who will give an emotional committment, it's not him. He's not ready. If your paths cross again in 6 mos to a year's time and you are still into him, then "check in" on his "letting go of the old relationship" status...
Thanks....the only thing is I told him that he should contact me if he liked me to date using Match.com if he is in a better state in the future.
So, it essentally leaves the door closed for me to contact him in that manner again (for a dating (online dating with Match.com) relationship)which is why I thought of contacting him to tell him I am here as a friend..
I'm also afraid that he won't contact me the way I left it. He is very timid and he may think I am mad at him as I told him he was sending me mixed signals (he really was and I had to tell him that) ..
Being honest and telling someone that they are sending you mixed messages is healthy behavior. Its saying "I deserve more, I want more". Its being respectful to yourself. He is unable at this time to give you what you want. I don't think that would be a reason to be mad at someone. You weren't telling him something he didn't already know, even if he didn't come out and say it..
If you contact him and say "I here to be your friend" and REALLY don't want more, go ahead and contact him. Check your motives why you want to contact him. .
I have done the "contacting someone thing" so many times in the past because I missed them and I wanted to talk to them. I justified it in mind and made excuses, then, I was back to square one again wanting more from them and they were unable to give back to me because they were not ready. Then I ended up feeling hurt and angry, initially, at them but when I took a good look at it, I was angry with me because I knew in my heart prior to contacting them that they weren't ready and I was just looking for any reason to contact them so I didn't have to feel the pain of missing them. I would hang on hoping that THIS time would be the time that they would be ready and welcome me with open arms. Its a vicious cycle..
Check your motives before you take an action...
Thank you for your post. You bring up good points. Will he think I am chasing him if I do this? I don't want to seem needy. I just feel bad that we are not talking...
I can't tell you what he would think. If I could read people minds (which I have attempted and failed at), I would be a rich woman. I retired my crystal ball and swami hat some time ago..
And, this isn't about what he thinks. This is about what YOU think and how YOU will feel if you make a decision to contact him.
Its ok to feel bad. Its uncomfortable, I know. I have had to cut off contact with a man I adore because like your situation, he is not ready to be in a relationship. Its breaking my heart and I feel very bad I am not talking to him. I don't know for sure, my guess is though, knowing him as well as I do, he's most likely feeling disregarded. Nothing I can do about that. I am not in control of what others think or feel.
I am making a decision, for myself, not to contact him because in doing so, it sets me up for disappointment. After talking it over with people that are "outside" of the situation, I concluded, on my own, it's a healthy choice for me not to talk to him. I am tired of feeling bad about the situation. I am trying to break free, allow myself to feel the pain and heal so I can move on. In order to get to where I am today, though, I had to go thru the process of contacting him, hanging out with him, over and over until I just got tired of feeling bad.
I don't want to do this. I need to do this for myself though. I got hit in the head with the cosmic 2X4 plenty of times..I am ready to let go..
The best lessons in life you get by experience. You can jump in the pool and find out what the result will be. Let me know what you decide to do..
Great post beautifl1! Hillary123, she is correct, you need to check your motives first before contacting him. If it is because you are "hoping" that his feelings have changed then you are probably going to end up disappointed again. The only way you can approach the situation is to do so without any expectations what-so-ever. You also need to be aware of your own feelings...if you start to develop deeper feelings for him you will need to tell him and be willing to walk away if he doesn't feel the same. That is exactly what I am going through right now. I couldn't go a step further without being totally honest about how I felt and prepared myself for the possibility that he might not feel the same way. If he doesn't I can walk away because I have faith in myself and know I will find what I am looking for in a relationship (thru Match.com) eventually. .
Again, beautifl is right, this has to be about you. What do you want from a relationship (thru Match.com) with him and are you willing to face the possibility that he doesn't feel the same way?.
Good luck to you...hope this helps. ..
<< Do you think it is ok for me to email him and simply say (then not email anymore, of course)....
"You've been on my mind and I've been doing some thinking and if you need a friend I am here". >>.
I wouldn't. Offering friendship under the guise of hoping it will open the door to something more is misguided motivation. Only make this offer if you truly have no interest in ever dating (online dating with Match.com) him again and truly just want to be his friend. .
Despite what others have said ...true, while the guy can't read minds ... there is the element of just basic human behavior ... I think, for the most part, most people are pretty wise to moves like this ... and IMO, it would be fairly transparent that you're reaching out with the hope of something more...
Thanks everyone for your insight and sharing your experiences. I think I am leaning toward not contacting him as I do not want to appear needy and the reality is I do want more from him. It would hurt to just chat with him online or hang out platonically..
He knows that I really like him. I've told him. The last thing I said to him was to contact me if he was in a better mindset in the future and I told him that he was sending me mixed messages. I sent this email 2 months ago and he never responded. Do you think he ignored me because he:.
A. Does not like me mutually/not into me?.
B. Did not know what to say and knows he sent me mixed messages and is embarrassed?.
C. Messed up over his ex and not ready to contact me? .
I guess the ball is in his court and what is hurting the most is the fact that he decided not to respond to someone he's known for a long time. This is the most heartbreaking. It is really breaking my heart. I wonder if he is mad at me now or even cares that he hurt me? .
I know I should not wonder so much but I can't help it as I've known him for a long, long time. I just wished we never kissed those few times to begin with. If he did not like me, he should not have played along if that is what he did. .
Edited 8/27/2008 1:46 am ET by hillaryt123..
<< I've told him. The last thing I said to him was to contact me if he was in a better mindset in the future >>.
I want to offer you a different perspective. Have you considered that he is simply respecting your request? Meaning ... you asked to contact you if he was in a better mindset. Therefore, if he's not in a better mindset ... still not over his ex, ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) or whatever it may be ... then, that just means he isn't in a better mindset yet. And therefore, doesn't want to send you the WRONG MESSASGE by contacting you ... when you specifically requested not to if/until he's in a better way..
What if he DID call you ... would you assume that he was in a better mindset? Or, would you ask "ok, since you're contacting me, you must be in a better way?" ... and if he said "no, I just wanted to talk to you" ... well, wouldn't that be a bit disrespectful ... set you back to square one? .
This is a matter of being respectful. He's honoring what you last said to him .
Too many guys DON'T do that ... and they'll call and say sweet things like "I miss seeing you" ... but, doesn't that just hold you back from moving on?.
Speaking of which, that is what you need to be doing ... moving on. His silence is giving you that opportunity. He isn't keeping you on a string. Move on. And if he DOES contact you ... it will be a pleasant surprise. And who knows ... perhaps in moving on you'll find someone else ... someone who IS ready for what you want..
Your perspective is interesting and you know, could well be why I am not hearing from him. I guess deep down I am worried that he just did not like me the same. I'm hoping that someday he will contact me. But as you said, in the meantime, I have no choice but to move on..
1 + 2 is always going to = 3.
Contact me when you're in a better frame of mind + him not contacting you = he's not in a better place. That's all. .
And, look at it this way ... if he didn't really like you the same (as you are worried about) ... then, it wouldn't matter if you contacted him ... that is, if he's not interested anyway. ..
How long since their breakup? If he's saying he can't make out with you, see you much, take him at his word. What's in this for you?.
I'm not saying don't see the guy but certainly proceed with red lights flashing. And it sounds way better to be friends for now (as in don't even try to make out) til you're sure he's emotionally ready to date. Adding the physical layer to the relationship (thru Match.com) gets you more hooked.
And it might not be a bad idea to look for guys who are emotionally available..
I like this perspective. The thought that someone is staying clear out of respect for me as opposed to "he just doesn't like me" softens the blow. My mind automatically goes to the negative, thinking I am being rejected when in fact, the man might actually be acting like a grown-up and keeping his distance because it's the right thing to do.
Thanks for your post. Its helping me to further let go of my own unhealthy attachment to a man I adore yet I know is not ready to be in a genuine, healthy, committed relationship (thru Match.com) with anyone right now. Its been over 9 years and he hasn't moved on from his marriage (even though he thinks he has) and is still attached to his ex wife (ie. sees her nearly everyday and talks about her all the time).
*whew*..this is a tough one..I can do this...
Pretending like I am "The Little Engine That Could"..lol...
Enjoy your weekend..