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What is the average number of responses that women receive when they joined Match.com?

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My first question is: What is the average number of responses that women receive when they joined Match.com?.

My next question is: I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. Our relationship (thru Match.com) moved very quickly as I just graduated college and he has a year left. He was the first to say he loved me and he was the one who brought up wanting to marry me and spend his life with me (isn't that what girls are supposed to say that freaks the guys out?!?). Over the months I have found certain things, a text, a phone call, pictures in his car from his ex girlfriend. He started dating (online dating with Match.com) her in high school and he cheated on her and they ended up breaking up and he took a really long time to get over it, but always told me that he had gotten over it and being with me made him happier then he's ever been in his life. So we would fight alot because I would get suspicious over these things i'd find from her and he would convince me I was being crazy and insecure and that I never had anything to worry about because he loved me so much. .

I just went to visit him this last weekend and we fought alot, we have been fighting alot about stupid things, basically me finding things from his ex. She sent him a text the morning that I was leaving to drive home (we live 6 hours apart) and I flipped out because it wsa pretty much the last straw for me and called her from my phone...and long story short she eventually told me that they had had sex 3 times in the 6 months we'd been dating, once a few days after we made it official, once when she went to his grandfather's funeral, and when he went to visit her a week before I did. All of these visits were unknown to me.  I was the one sitting in the hospital with him numerous times visiting his grandfather before his death and SHE was the one who went to the funeral which I didn't attend b/c I felt it was inappropriate for me to be there.  I have never in my life felt more hurt than I did after finding out what he had done to me. We had had so many conversations about how we didn't agree with cheating and that if either one of us cheated on the other it'd be over.

I know that anyone from an outsider's perspective would say forget about him anyone that did something like that doesn't care about anyone but themselves and you could never trust him again. I have put everything I have into him in the last 6 months and it hurts so much that he so carelessly threw it away. He says that he made a terrible mistake and that he has always loved me and he didn't know what to do because he had loved her for so long and after they broke up it was always him going after her.  When she saw that he was dating (online dating with Match.com) someone new she couldn't handle his happiness and would tell him that she made a huge mistake breaking up with him and wanted to be with him and still loved him. He claims that she made him question his feelings for me because she had been his first love and he didn't know what to do because he was finally happy with someone else and then she came back into his life..

Sadly, after all this, I still want to make the relationship (thru Match.com) work.  Can it ever work between us? Can I ever trust him not to hurt me again?..

Comments (8)

Your question was: What is the average number of responses that women receive when they joined Match.com?.

I know how you feel in some ways. I was cheated on and decided to stick with the relationship (thru Match.com) because it was a one night stand and we were on the rocks at the time. I decided to take him back because he admitted he cheated and was prepared to leave the relationship (thru Match.com) when he told me, but I decided he was sincere and that we deserved a second chance. I eventually realized (1.5 years after the fact) that I could not get over it, even though it was a one time indiscretion it still hurt. It was always there underneath every argument, and I found I could not trust him like before. This is not the only reason we broke up but I do feel my lack of trust from this was behind most of the other problems we had.Your story really upsets me.

Not only did he cheat multiple times, he did it deliberately (it was not a "slip" or a drunken mistake), he lied about it/tried to cover it up, and it was an emotional affair-not just about the sex but about the other person. It is easy for you to rationalize staying with him (I know this!) because he is sincerely sorry but it doesn't change the fact that he is not over the ex and he willfully disrespected you. He has a lot of growing up to do and he will continue to hurt you until he does just that. It's so hard to leave someone who truly loves you, but sometimes love is not enough, as I recently realized. You can't force the guy to be something to you that he is not.

He will never be "yours" the way things are going now anyway, and you deserve to be with someone who can completely give himself to you...

Comment #1

He is quite the deceiver isnt he?  I agree with a lot of what the previous poster said in her last paragraph..

I know you feel you put everything into this guy over the last 6 months but you are still in a position to recover from this in a good way..

Why would this ex of his even want him back after what he did to her?  It tells me she is desperate, not in love..

Yes, he was careless, took you for granted, demonstrated a total lack of respect for you and he is not worth your effort...

Comment #2

Better question is, why would you WANT it to?  Don't you like/love yourself enough to want better for YOU!?.

6 months (not that long).  Boyfriend (you're not married, it's not like you owe it to yourselves to work on it for the sake of family).   Move on, hon.  .

Regardless of your age (though you do sound young), any woman who stays with a guy like this, with such a short amount of time invested, is a woman who really just doesn't think she can do better or deserve better.

You need to want more for yourself.  If/when you do, you won't end up aligning with losers like this guy.  .

You said << We had had so many conversations about how we didn't agree with cheating and that if either one of us cheated on the other it'd be over.  >>.

Then, you owe it to yourself to end it.  Otherwise, he'll know that none of those conversations were serious ... that you stay despite getting crapped on it ...and you're basically setting yourself up for a whole lotta misery with this guy.   You'd pretty much just be saying to him (without verbally saying it) "I don't respect myself, so you don't have to, either."  ..

Comment #3

I agree with everyone that posted here.  Why would you want to stay with this, six months is not a long time invested in a relationship, and this is not a one night stand.  I have been cheated on before multiple times, with exs by that current boyfriend.  I did not stay with them long, I left them.  I also was dating (online dating with Match.com) and with them for 6 months or more. .

You deserve better, to be treated better than this...

Comment #4

<<Can I ever trust him not to hurt me again?>>.

Why would you put yourself in that position?  You teach people how to treat you and you are showing him that your word means absolutely nothing and he can walk all over you and treat you like dirt and you'll still be there begging for more.  You two had a conversation that if either of you cheated it would be over.  He cheated.  It should be over.  If you accept him back now, you only show him that you are willing to be treated in a disrespectful manner..

You've only known the guy 6 months.  Let it go.  There are plenty of guys out there that will treat you with the respect you deserve..

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Comment #5

Hi sb65jp,.

Welcome to the board!!.

I've been thinking about your post for a couple of days now, so I'm sorry that I didn't reply earlier.  My now ex husband (we were married 10 years) cheated on me and this is a hard subject for me.  See I didn't want him after I learned he was cheating.  He's never admitted to it to this day.  I came home from work one day and he was packed and said he was leaving.  Now we weren't perfect and I was feeling threated by a student in his martial arts class.  My neighbors came and told me about the other woman. .

Anyway - back to you.  Only you can decide if you want to give this a try.  Don't go so far as to say you will make this work.  It will take both of you to make this work and you can not control his actions.  I'd be leery of his ex - she wants him back and she might be willing to lie to get what she wants.  Trust yourself and do what is best for you..

If you truely want to give this a try, I suggest couples couseling. .

Good Luck,.

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Comment #6

Hi spixie2008,.

Welcome to the board!!.

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Comment #7

<< You teach people how to treat you and you are showing him that your word means absolutely nothing and he can walk all over you and treat you like dirt and you'll still be there begging for more. >>.

Absolutely.   If a person doesn't respect themselves, why should anyone else?   Staying will only show him that her word doesn't mean anything and she doesn't respect herself enough to HONOR their agreement.  .

To our OP, look ... you will do as you will ... as people always do.   but, IMO, couple's counseling is for people who have made a commitment to each other.   Particularly married with children.    You've been dating (online dating with Match.com) this guy for 6 months.  Why on EARTH would you even consider staying?  (ok, the answer to that is actually simple ... because you don't think you can do better or deserve better)..

My BF and I just had our 4 yr anniversary.  If he cheated, I'd be gone tomorrow.   I woudln't even care for or want an explanation. Why?  Because it doesn't matter.  I know deep down, in my heart that a person of good moral character and values and a person who loves you doesn't betray you.  So, the REASONS and explanations are a moot point.  ..

Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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