What is a wink in

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My question is: What is a wink in

My 2nd question is: Hi everyone & thanx for reading.

I'm a 24 years old girl who lives in Rome, late in September I met this guy, 21 in a reunion of Iranians in Rome (I'm one of them# who is half Iranian half Italian but has never had a a contact with his cultural backgrounds. (the moment I saw him I was like who is that guy?) anyway I approached him, exchanged facebook contacts, phone numbers & invited him for dinner in my house for a Persian cuisine & he was (and still is) really excited about meeting the youth of a country he's almost from but has never known. He's a very very nice guy & I don't really feel like he's 3 years younger than me when we talk & everything.

Anyway, we got closer & closer & I was (and still am) his closest person in our circle of friends & all along I've been trying to show him I'm interested (at first maybe more obviously and then more & more subtly). He immediately introduced me to his closest friends & early on he even mentioned that it was only a couple of months that he has gotten out of f a relationship (thru of 1.5 year with a girl who's even one year older than me..

There was a period in November when we saw eachother very often, he came to my apartment & I felt that he's shy so one night after we had attended a friend's exhibition together & he had left early because he had a work meeting I asked him if he wanted to come to my place. He was just hit by a bad flu but talked to me on the phone with that smooth soft voice people talk to each other when they're lovers (I didn't find any other ways to describe it!). so the next evening he did come to my place after a long work day, being very sick, exhausted & nervous!!! & just when I had other plans he left at 11! I called him a couple of days after that to see how he was & he was veeeeeeery sick & then we didn't hear from each other for about 10 days or more!!!.

I was very upset but then decided to call him after all because at the end we were friends. he sounded very excited to hear me & he told me that he had been over busy with the flu and then work (he was actually in an airport in Sicily coming back to Rome). after that I kinda gave up, because I thought couldn't be interested & it made me upset I should say. but then we started hearing from each other more & more often (a great deal of it was about learning Persian I should say) but we went out, but now with other Iranian friends he had befriended & he took us to his friends' parties & I thought he noticed me differently from the others by like making me enter the circle of conversations. We hear from each other very often on the phone now & he even invited us to spend the new years eve with him in his friend's house (he proposed the party to me and said I could invite other friends too)  & despite my inner will I went there alone. (because friends eventually had other plans at the last moment).

Now here's the big question: I really REALLY like this guy. should I tell him? on January 12th he's going to Mexico for work for 2 weeks. I've thought about writing something telling him that I would like to have more than this friendship but somehow mentioning that I wouldn't wanna lose my friendship if he shouldn't be interested. help me out here, should I do this? I have stopped asking my girlfriends for advice for the last 2 3 weeks because they made me feel nervous, desperate & even stupid but I thought I would give asking the expert a shot! thanks.

P.S. The ex girlfriend seems still to be around in some ways. & they've had mini arguments too but I think their thing is really over but her presence is felt...

Comments (9)

Unfortunately, you have to be fully willing to lose the friendship in order to turn it into a relationship.  Some people will probably go up in arms over that statement, but if you give it some thought, I have a feeling you will see the benefit of that kind of attitude when it comes to romantic relationships..

In my experience, flat-out telling a man you want a relationship (thru with him is one of the quickest ways to ensure you don't end up with that, however, you seem to have been straightforward in the beginning with him and things worked out well for you then.  It was when you started listening to outside perspectives from your own, I think when you started being "more and more subtle" that things went awry for you and started feeling less and less invested. .

So for YOU, straightforward seems to be the most authentic and therefore best option.  If anything, tell him what you think of the situation between you and that you'd like to consider exploring things further.  Let him think it over uninterrupted and unimposed while he's in Mexico.  You may be delightfully surprised when he gets home.

Best of luck,.

 CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with DoyenneRead This First:  How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.  Tom Robbins..

Comment #1

Wow. thank you. really interesting.

Now how am I suppose to do this? would emailing him be horrible? I mean the first thing he would see in mexico & then I won't hear from him for 2 weeks so I can be relaxed? originally I was thinking giving him some kind of a gift (a good excuse is that I didn't for christmas, I wasn't expected to, but you know, AN EXCUSE) leaving a note in it & making him promise he wouldn't open it until he's in mexico... I really don't think I can do it face to face with him. any suggestions?..

Comment #2

Email isn't exactly straightforward, is it.  I like your second idea, however, what I really suggest is that you LISTEN TO YOURSELF because when you were doing that you were being pretty successful.  Sit quietly and think about it and when an idea feels good to you, act on it..

Good luck!.

 CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with DoyenneRead This First:  How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.  Tom Robbins..

Comment #3

Thank you. I've loved "the listen to yourself" part. actually I did buy a book by a famous Iranian author & I think I will leave a note in it & make him promise he won't open it until he's in mexico... I think I will update here how things will go.

Thanx again..

Comment #4

Alert ringing! help!!!.

I just managed to make a friend talk & after a long while he told me that  in some ways this guy had told him he just wanted to be friends with me about 2 months ago, my friend wouldn't go through details. that's all I could get from him.

Will I be too stupid to continue doing what I was about to do??? cuz somehow I found my feelings unchanged about that matter, I don't see a person who's giving me signals that he likes me very much but I don't see the person who's not interested either!!! I mean if I was about to grade his behaviour there's more interest than neutrality & almost no disinterest....

 is it just my hopeful fantasy that maybe things could be different now or could they really? or am being senselessly stubborn not to hear what my friend just told me? or is it because I don't want to be a woman who turns 70 and has never told the guy he liked?.

Help me, should I still do that?.

Edited 1/6/2010 8:29 pm ET by saghars..

Comment #5

Maybe I should add this  we had all gone out last night and the yesterday's chat with my friend started because I insteted that he would tell me if in their guy talk this boy had mentioned someone he's interested in, he said no. but then he told me I should let go & when I asked him why like a billion times he said that once he had told him he would like to be only friends with me.

I asked did any of the girls there catch his eyes? (I had noticed something) he said yes! and told me which one. now I see he's added her in facebook ) which is really funny because there were like no friends in common & I'm amazed by how he's got her contact!!! (I didn't see them talking o anything & as far as I knew he didn't know anyone who would know her).

I still like to hear your ideas, I haven't talked about this to anyone & I'm not feeling my best right now obviously.


Edited 1/7/2010 3:22 pm ET by saghars..

Comment #6

Sigh.  What did I say about what happens when you start listening to other people?  You've listened to this other friend, and now look at yourself.  A mess..


1.  You have NO idea what this "friend's" personal agenda is.  He may be a very nice guy, but he may also want you for himself, or he may want simply to cause trouble, he may be competetive with this guy you like and simply want to create a block for him, or he may be totally oblivious to what he's doing with his words, but the thing is as long as you are straight with YOURSELF, anyone else's agendas won't truly affect you..

2.  It's possible your guy could be somewhat interested in another person, SO WHAT?  If they're not in a relationship, there is nothing saying that you're not a good match for each other or that you can't attract him more simply by BEING YOURSELF.  But you can't possibly be your own true self if you're constantly allowing other people's input, whether malintentioned or not, to overly influence you..

What feels good to you?  I'm talking about regardless of this other firned's input.  If it's this guy and seeing where it might go, then I'd suggest you not let others stand in your way.  If I had listened to my friends about my own relationship, I would have given up a long time ago instead of enjoying the absolute best relationship (thru that HE AND I can create together.  Those friends of mine are still friends, however, and I hate to say it, but many of them are now in relationships that are unhappy or unfulfilling.  So simply put:  Be careful where you get your input..

Remember, everyone's story, background and experiences are different and they will color their world according to what they've learned along the way.  Chances are their "life lessons" will be different from yours, along with their own personal fears and attitudes about relationships.  From what you've posted, you do well when you listen to your own instinct, so make sure you color your world using only your "paints.".

Good luck,.

 CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with DoyenneRead This First:  How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.  Tom Robbins..

Comment #7

An update on what has finally happened..

First of all I'd like to thank you Sandra for your wonderful words that regardless to what will happen at the end of this story will remain with me. I'll try to always paint my life with my own colors, thank you..

So after 2 days of nervousness but always knowing that I was gonna do it today was my last chance to write that note. first I was hugely nervous and very excited but the moment I stopped looking for strange words & started writing the thing seriously I calmed down. I've been relaxed all the time after that. I wrote it, put it in the second page of the book, wrapped the book & went out to meet him & all the other friends who were there to say goodbye to him before the journey. I knew he would give me ride back home only sadly there was one his friends in the car this time with us, but all the time I was relax & cool & when I was about to say goodbye to him I made him get off because I told him I had got him a new year gift! and I made him promise he would open it in Mexico (which strangely didn't take much to convince him, he promised to open it in Mexico!). then I left & turned my cell off & I don't think I'll turn it on before monday 5 in the morning when he leaves.

I have no idea what will happen. absolutely no idea, thinking about what my friend has told me I can't possibly be very hopeful, but I'm calm, relaxed & content. very content.

This is (a translation of) what I have written in the note if you would like read:.

I wish you a new year full of beautiful things! I wish you new experiences, new tastes, new feelings, new knowledge, journeys, laughters and even tears (because without them you wouldn't enjoy the laughters as much!). Because life is too short & time flies by without letting us realize that we are surrounded by new opportunities, new air to breathe, new situations to live... all it takes is a little change of heart & a bit of courage. And I, being fully aware of all that I'm risking would like to discover if there are new opportunities for you and me to work on. and probably you have already noticed, but exactly because life is too short I have refused to lose this opportunity, to not breathe this new air and to not live this new situation... the rest depends on you..

Safe journey ......

Comment #8

His first response since I gave him the book! a msg on facebook! saying "...just finished bathing in the ocean .... thanks a million for the book!!! ". what the hell does this mean? I can't interperate it at all. any ideas? the msg I had written him in the note left in book is in the post above.

Thanks guys..

Comment #9

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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