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What Did that Laugh REALLY MEAN?

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I have a quick one here... I received a lot of very helpful messages from some of you the last week in change about my last message; re an ultimatum. I am very much on the edge with just letting this whole thing go...

I had a conversation the past two nights trying to get him to open up with specifics and his answer was i have told you and if you dont remember what was said then tough.. use a recorder next time and stop nagging me.. I mentioned about family and he says I havent seen my friends in a long time and they live close by to ME stop  NAGGING ME. The way he reacts and turns things around on me is making me so incredibly mad not only at him but at myself and MORESO because I dont know what to say to show how angry I am when he says what he says to me..

The laugh remark I wanted to ask you all about was this, I brought up one of my brothers girlfriends of six years had said to me that she wants us to be very close. I love her a lot and do feel a real kinship towards her ./. I mentioned this to my boyfriend and he wasnt sure who I was speaking about.. see how pathetic this one is.. he met her two years ago along with the rest of my family and didnt place the name.. anyhow he said well which one of your brothers cheated on their girlfriend..

I said no thats my other brother but he did that when he was a teenager.. I felt the need to say why that had happened this and that.. he went on to say well are they getting married do they want too.. but the laugh occurred when I said the girl it was that it happened too.. I asked him why would  you laugh because it was her and he says it was a sarcastic laugh.

Does he t hink that because if they dont care to be married then maybe I may go along with NOT getting married to him.. he knows that is not my idea.. I am just getting more and more furious and more confused with him.. he asks me at the end of the conversation what are you going to make this weekend..? ILL stop here but I am still really POFF with that laugh that he made when I said which one of the girlfriends in my family had been cheated on and I feel sooooo awful having told him that.. BUT WHY THE LAUGH?..

Comments (12)

Your question was: What Did that Laugh REALLY MEAN?.

Well, we are not mind readers or psychics, so if you want to know what the laugh means, maybe you should ask him yourself! Good luck;-)..

Comment #1

I DID ask him and he said I didnt realize I laughed maybe it was a sarcastic laugh...

Comment #2

It sounds to me like you are focusing on trivial things in order to avoid what you know you need to do here..

Sheri..

Comment #3

Oh my gosh, you are WAY too serious.   No offense ... but I think you need to lighten up a bit.   Your BF is feeling the weight of your seriousness and feeling NAGGED (his words) ... and you're making mountains out of molehills.  ..

Comment #4

Starbuck a lot has happened between my bf for a long time. I have been more on edge lately because I am getting nervous that he may never change his ways. I wrote a very  long note a week ago on this site describing a lot of our issues. I just turned thirty five and am feeling that panick set in that I may have wasted three years of my life on this person. He knows how to twist things and avoid answering direct questions. He will tell me if you didnt hear t he spoken word the first time that is your tough luck, buy a recorder.

My wanting him to start to come to be wth family he construed as nagging the other night.. starbuck he has met my immediate family ONCE in the past three years. His reply to meeting my family for coffee./cake whatever was well I havent seen my friends in a long time. What does THAT have to do with me? He has purely taken my goodness for granted and shows no signs of care or motivation to go out of his way for me. He hasn't had the money the past three months to come up to my apartment from the city so I have been reimbursing him the twenty dollars, that he continually has been borrowing from his friend..

The questioning about the laugh remark yes was probably overboard but this my dear is what they sometimes say causes a person to overreact.. that miniscule kind of remark or whatever that makes you remember everything that has irritated, and hurt you for a long time..

He is returning to work but is still saying to me even when he does get some money coming in that well I still wont have money to really go out and do things.. because I have people  I need to pay back including ME. Why couldnt he not say any of that and just do something nice other than bring up a DVD movie which he PICKS and has picked all throughout.. not ONE movie that we have ever seen was it my choice AND to top it off I have paid HALF of those tickets ninety percent of the time. SO, if you think I am nagging or being a pain in the you know what I had to be quadrupled that in retrospect...

It is not too much to ask someone how are you going to support us down the road.. his answer to me, well you are not secure in your career now..

 .

I can write a book on all of this but just wanted you to get somewhat of a glimpse of where I am just fet up and ready to pounce at this point.. he is saying I am nagging using those words because I am FINALLY saying things strongly to him. See I broke up with him numerous times but always went back witht he hope things would change.. he tells me that he is learning more how to better treat me where he had no clue before.. STARBUCK he is forty five years old and NEVER been married. He had a child who is now nineteen with an exgirlfriend who took off miles away.,.

That is another story all together but his own friends had warned me from day one about him.. that if I had five years to wait for him.. or is he treating you well? I chose to look at the good I saw in him and thought I could break him of whatever prevented him from being the kind of man I believed he could be.. he has good days wth me but then can turn ugly and become an abusive beast when he doesnt get his way or when he is overly stressed out. I am just plain scared that I could ignore what I am feeling and continue believing and hoping but what happens how am I going to feel years from now if and when it is the same or things are worse..

I have overly done for him but I cannot keep it up so it's like how much do I say at this point to make him realize if you cannot start showing me rather than talking the talk than that is it.. He doesnt believe me I know because I have taken him back like I said numerous times.. so my credibility means nothing. But when I have gotten strong and just cut him off on the phone he will call back in the sweetest way tht I am worrying too much....

I am not dealing with an average kind of person/man in any way..

 ..

Comment #5

Like I saidyou need to stop focusing on the trivial and finally get it in your head that the big picture issues are never going to change.  If you want different, you're going to have to find a different partner, because this guy has shown you repeatedly that THIS is who and how he is..

Sheri..

Comment #6

<<  I am not dealing with an average kind of person/man in any way.>>.

Are you ready for some 'tough love'?  (I know I don't know you but ... here's it is)..

All of the things you described ... both in your post, your reply, your post last week (which I replied) ... all that says is that YOU don't care enough about YOU to give yourself what you KNOW you deserve ... but thus far, have not been willing give yourself..

All that says a LOT more about you then him ... so what he's not the 'average' person?   Your staying with him ... despite being unhappy and putting up with a lot of crap for a long time ... says more about YOU than HIM because YOU STAY!   And you keep taking him back even if you DO break it off.  .

You have to ask yourself "what's wrong with ME?" ... you're asking too many questions about why HE is the way he is ... rather than focusing on why YOU are the way you are and what exactly is keeping YOU stuck.

I learned a long time ago (and only 2 yrs older than you) ... but, after 2 relationships with alcoholics ... I learned a lot of things ... a couple of which you can benefit from:.

1) NEVER invest in the potential.   Right now, you stay because you are WAITING for the pay-off.  Big mistake.  Big.   And you and ONLY YOU are responsible for that.  Not him.   He is responsible for him.  .

2)  People don't change for others; they change for themselves.  He will change if/when he's ready to change ... him being 45, never married has nothing to do with it ... do you think he's going to change because you?  No, people do not fundamentally change because of, for or in spite of others.  Change is internal. .

You're not happy.  and he isn't responsible for your happiness.  YOU ARE!  A good, solid, healthy relationship (thru Match.com) doesn't make us happy ... it adds to our happiness in life.   You cannot make anyone else responsible for this aspect of your life, ok? .

Therefore, ifyou are not happy ... it's up to YOU to get out and reclaim your happiness.  Once and for all.   No going back because he sweet talks you.  .

It would probably benefit you to look into codependency ... www.coda.org ... as it sounds like you have a lot of codep traits (I know, I was one!)   You ignored the red flags years ago ... you only saw the good ... ignored the bad ... you took on a 'project' ...

And now you're waiting for the project to pay off.  All very codependent traits.

And pick up a copy of a book called The Four Agreements ... http://www.miguelruiz.com/fouragreements.html ... it's excellent to integrate this type of stuff in your life ... you're 35 years old ... it's time to start owning your OWN responsiblity to yourself.   You own your happiness ... you are responsible for your wants and needs in this life ... not him or any other man.   .

And, when you do that ... a wonderful thing happens ... when you find someone who compliments your happiness, wants, needs in life ... because YOU are already there on your own.   You won't be looking to anyone else in your life to fill that need or to 'pay you back' (emotionally, financially or any other type of pay back).  .

Because right now, the 'investment' you've made in this relationship (thru Match.com) ... you're waiting for the payback ... if you can take responsiblity for you ... you will never again find yourself in the position of waiting for the 'pay off.'   INstead, things will come naturally, you will feel at peace and at ease in a relationship (thru Match.com) ... you'll find yourself HAPPY!  and sure, every relationship (thru Match.com) has it's ups 'n downs ... but not every relationship (thru Match.com) drains you of your spirit and robs you of your sanity.  I mean, look at the way you describe this guy ...

Much less love him ... yet, you're waiting for him to change?????  .

Wake up, hon ... the project isn't paying off.   And the longer you wait, the more ticked and upset you will be with YOURSELF!  Please, get on iwth your life. .

Good luck!!.

 ..

Comment #7

The only person's behavior you can change is yours.  You have no control over his behavior.  If you are seeking advice to try to figure a way to get him to change...then you are chasing your tail.  If this guy went to therapy, maybe, after a very long while he may decide to change his life in some ways.  But that is at least a year in therapy and you dont know if when he is done with therapy if he still would want to date using Match.com you.  His preferences could change..

"He has purely taken my goodness for granted and shows no signs of care or motivation to go out of his way for me." > so why do you want this man in your life?  He clearly demonstrates to you that you have no value to him and he doesnt really feel for you otherwise he wouldnt be trying to screw your head up..

You are concerned about a 3 year investment. Okay, consider this a loss on your investment and now it is time to level things off by being alone for a while so you can determine what kind of person you want in your life, how you want to be treated, how you want a guy to demonstrate love to you and what is the definition of healthy love..

The cycle of abuse includes his sweet talk to you when you have cut him off on the phone.  It means nothing other than he'll be nice for a short while. It doesnt mean he learned anything or has decided to be a nice person to you..

For some reason you dont see breaking up with him as an option which is frightening...

Comment #8

Thank you so much for that note. It took a lot of thought and time, I could tell. I really appreciated everything and know you are RIGHT about everything..

I really needed that directness and right between the eyes... I can definitely tell you have been there..

Again, much thanks!.

 .

Paula (katherine 2006).

 .

 ..

Comment #9

<< I really needed that directness and right between the eyes... I can definitely tell you have been there.>>.

You're welcome.  I hope you printed it out ... read it everyday.  What I said there took me about 2 years to figure out ... on my own, with a counselor, with coda and some al-anon meetings ... I didn't have advice on message boards ... and even if I did, I'd BET 99% of people don't take the advice we give anyway.   People often need to go thru their own learning experiences ... hardly anyone takes another person's words/advice at face value and follows it..

But, if you DO take my advice ... you'll be ahead of the game ... you'll make this process easier on yourself.

 Look into CoDA, please ... and counseling ... because, it would seem that you are feeling 'stuck' with this guy ... and you need the 'tools' for breaking out ... once and for all ... which you may not be able to offer to yourself.  Its easy for people to say "leave the loser!" ... yet many people dont realize that some people just don't have the tools they need to do that.    Getting help is ok. ..

Comment #10

I'm sorry, but that is so funny that he tells you to buy a recorder LOL Is he serious?  He's not kidding when he says that??  Does he say it all the time?  Cause that is kind of cruel.  But then it sounds like he also feels like he is always having to repeat himself with you because he comments on you nagging him.  Guys don't say that for no reason.  Maybe you need to back up off of him.  Sorry, I don't mean to be critical, but your posts are very overanalyzing.  It sounds like you are driving yourself crazy for no reason.  If he doesn't want to commit or marry you and you do, then you know your answer.  There is nothing to go back and forth about.  You said you're afraid you wasted 3 years, etc... why waste more time?  Viel Glck! (Good luck)  .

  ..

Comment #11

I don't think it's helping you any to analzye every laugh, sigh and grunt he makes.  It's all obviously indicative about how on the edge you are about this relationship (thru Match.com) - how upset and angry.  That is the core you need to deal with - not these little ancillary things.  It sounds like you need to tell him what's going on in your head and heart, that you feel he turns things around on you.  The two of you really need to air what's going on underneath in both of you ... other all these repressed feelings will rule everything. .

,..

Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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