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My question is: What are the best Match.com deals?.

My 2nd question is: My boyfriend wants to befriend his x girlfriend's granddaughter. The reason he wants to do this because he missed out on raising his kids shortly after they were maybe 10-12 yrs old. He divorced his x in 2003. His grown children have limited communication with him bc his x won't let them get involved with their father. She basically said he was a looser. Anyway, my bf was a good father to his children when they were young, put them to bed everynight, read to them etc.

I almost see as if he wants to rescue this child from the environment she was born into. Unfortuately, unless the parents are deemed unfit to raise her, there is nothing he can do. The little girl asks about my bf often and calls him uncle. My bf loves to be with her to give her what a normal father should give his daughter. He misses that.

I told him he could visit the little girl. The x even invited us to her home to see her. He says our relationship (thru Match.com) is solid and will marry me. My take is that unfortuantely this little girl will turn from a sweet, smart innocent child to a out of control teenage gir because she had no guidence growing up. That is not my bf responsibility.

He asked me if I would ever consider adopting a child and I told him, no. I am 46 yrs old and I don't want any children, never had any and don't want any. Not out of selfishness but out of realism, I am unemployed, his income is unstable and I don't want to be tied down to that kind of responsiblity at my age when it is of a time to think about planning for retirement. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. He said he does not want any more kids either but a part of him misses what could have with his own children.

It is over btw them or is it. This little girl is an extension of his x girlfriend. Any suggestions, do I need to be concerned? I am a strong person. Thank you for your advice..

NewbyDGA409..

Comments (8)

"My take is that unfortuantely this little girl will turn from a sweet, smart innocent child to a out of control teenage gir because she had no guidence growing up. That is not my bf responsibility. It is not his child. He asked me if I would ever consider adopting a child and I told him, no. I am 46 yrs old and I don't want any children, never had any and don't want any.".

You don't have a very high opinion of children do you?  If you don't want children, never had any....why get involved with someone with children?  What happens when/if he has more to do with his own children (it will more than likely happen) will your take on that be the same, will you tell him when or how often he can see his own children?  If you have never had children it is hard to understand where someone is coming from that has children..

I don't know if it would be a good idea or not for your bf to get more involved, it would probably depend on the amount of involvement but if he can be a stable loving figure in her life, that could only benefit the child and your relationship (thru Match.com) is solid and stable, I really don't see what the problem is.  Your take on this is no more right/wrong than his is, you just look at this differently.  And you keep bringing up the x in your post, that she will weasel her way back in., etc....was your relationship (thru Match.com) not solid before this came about?  why so fixated on the x?.

And I have to agree ....it is not your place to tell him what he can do when he can do it...you aren't his mother.  If you can't discuss this and come to an understanding and agree at least to compromise on this, then it is best to leave the relationship...

Comment #1

"My take is that unfortuantely this little girl will turn from a sweet, smart innocent child to a out of control teenage gir because she had no guidence growing up. That is not my bf responsibility. It is not his child."I encourage you to be compassionate in this area. I grew up in a crappy family with lots of abuse, lack of boundaries, alcoholism, etc. It was the kindness of people who had no responsibility to me other than the kindness of their heart that got me through a really sh*tty childhood. Your BF's kindness and compassion could very well be something that keeps her from turning into that out of control teenage girl, like many of my cousins who didn't have anyone compassionate in their lives to temper the abuse and wound up pretty damaged.

And you should also trust your BF more than that, as well. Please don't block him from giving a little comfort to someone who can't defend herself..

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #2

That was the thought process I was heading towards. Right now, he is so busy with work and restoring the house that I don't think it will be an issue. I am a strong person and I think our relationship (thru Match.com) is strong enough that we can talk it through should I sense the relationship (thru Match.com) is shifting because of it, I will bring my concerns to his attention. Thank you for your insight..

NewbyDGA409..

Comment #3

The fact that he brought this to my attention when he could very well have gone behind my back says alot about his character. He is being honest with me and he wants to know if say having her come by the house or we visiting her would be an issue for me. My first response was no. I am comfortable with our relationship (thru Match.com) knowing that he was considering taking her under his wing as an uncle type figure and hopefully she will develop into a fine young lady. He cannot control the environment she is exposed to but having a stable figure in her life will hopefully give her a frame of reference as she gets older. So I am ok with it.



NewbyDGA409..

Comment #4

We have a very open, honest relationship (thru Match.com) and we communicate. Just because I don't want kids, never had kids nor want them does not mean I don't love kids. I have a neice and nephew that I love very much and spoil to the best of my ability. My concern in the relationship (thru Match.com) would come if he becomes absorbed in doting on her when he is not her father. I will nip that in the bud early. I don't an issue of occasional involvement in her life if she needs a frame of reference, advice on things.

He knows where I stand in that regard. I was just asking for advice to make sure I was on the right track with regard to his degree of involvement with this little girl. Thanks for your suggestions..

NewbyDGA409..

Comment #5

I agree, he does sound like he has a very strong moral character. I commend that. Hopefully you two can work something out that you're comfortable with but a formal adoption (if it were to ever be an option) doesn't sound like it would fly. As long as he knows what you're comfortable with and willing to deal with, and you are standing up for yourself, you will figure it out...

Comment #6

Thank you for your advice..It is helpful to hear it from someone to make sure I am on the right track..

NewbyDGA409..

Comment #7

Hi - I was going to email you through your profile but you have that option turned off. Could you email me at or through my profile, please?.

Have a great weekend!.

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Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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