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My question is: What are the best deals I can use?.

My 2nd question is: I was dating (online dating with a guy I met on match for oh about 6 months.  Over the past month we grew emotionally and physically closer and there are issues.  He is still in love with his ex-GF, and she's still around.  Hes not yet divorced.  He has kids.  He has a woman friend who is interested in him and they see each other regularly.  She calls his kids her "adopted" kids and I think she acts like his quasi-girl friend.   He recognizes this but says he's trying to be nice to her. .

So I focused over-much on the quasi-GF.  It's like we would have a wonderful evening together or be engaged in this great conversation and I would just turn the topic and start harping on her.  It was unfair that I obsessed on this point.  I have a few single male friends.  I have been dating (online dating with others.   .


We talked Friday night into the early morning hours.  He said he was ambivalent about whether or not he should keep the quasi-GF in his life.  I said I guess your ambivalence is a bad sign for our future? and he said Yes, I think it is.  I said What if I wanted to call you my boy friend?  He said If you called me that I would want to be standing there behind you.  But Im not..

So we hung up early Sunday morning and I haven't heard from him since. .

It feels weird to end it like this.  It's been 6 months.  We had a 3 hour long in-depth conversation on Thursday night.  We had a greatly passionate night on Friday.  And then wham! we had the above conversation on Saturday night.  .

There's a part of me that wants to call him up and have a final talk.  I'm having guilt pangs over harping too much on this other woman when she was only a symptom not the illness.  I want to tell him I'm sorry it didn't work out.  But there's a part of me that thinks I should cut my losses and just move on.   But what if I run into him in at a restaurant or something?  Isn't it better to leave things on a good note?.


Comments (11)

I am also all for leaving it on a good note too!  (See my thread I just started). .

If the person refuses to communicate with you, then there's nothing you can do..

I guess you can shoot a nice text or email and wish them well.  Depends on you. .

If I hate the person, of course I won't bother.  But if they weren't horrid, then sending out positive energy is always good, imo. ..

Comment #1

You don't need a final talk. It's over. The way you get closure is by looking within yourself, recognizing that this "relationship" never could have gone anywhere, in such a way that you really never had one at all... So whether or not it's a "breakup" is dubious to me when it kind of seems like nothing really got started.

You don't need to talk to him to know that this is over. Don't worry about what to do if you theoretically run into him at a restaurant someday, that's less important than now...

Comment #2

Well, there's an up-date.  He sent me an email this morning and asked me what I was doing Tuesday night and was I available and we could go wherever I'd like, with a smiley face attached.  I don't think he's looking for a break-up talk because his invitation is too genuine.  I would then think he's being a bit clueless but the fact that he emailed rather than call, which is not his style (he prefers to talk), shows he's testing the response.   Maybe he's lonely.  Maybe he wants sex.  Maybe he's having a hard time letting go.  .

Yes, I would say things between us are dubious. .

It looks like a break-up talk is heading my way..


Comment #3

Let's break this down..

1) "He is still in love with his ex-GF, and she's still around.".

2)  "Hes not yet divorced.".

3)  "He has kids."  .

4) "He has a woman friend who is interested in him and they see each other regularly".

This'll read harsh, but it sounds like you're the one who is maybe lonely, wants sex, etc? .

Bec why else would you ever under God's earth entertain going out with someone with all of the above????..

Comment #4

LOL can I change my answer? Yeah you are definitely gonna have to set this one straight now...

Comment #5

Well, as you can imagine, since I met him on an OLD web-site, he didn't arrive at the first meet and confess all of those things!  He arrived at the first meet with lots of charm and good humor and quite good looking.  That he had kids was not a problem.  I have kids.  That he was not yet divorced was not really a problem.  With assets and child custody it takes awhile to reach a settlement to un-wind the marriage.  That he had women friends was not really a problem on a surface level because I have men friends.  And I was also dating (online dating with others, too..

Where do we get to where these things emerge and really become a problem?  Time marched on, and we got to know each other.  And within this past month we started growing much closer and much more affectionate.  Then I met the quasi-GF, about two weeks ago, and a new picture emerged.  And then on Thursday he told me about his ex-GF.  That brings me up to our conversation on Saturday night.  The true deal-killer though?  He admitted his ambivalence..

Anyhow, I'm not entertaining dating (online dating with him any longer.  I was rather wondering whether or not I should even call him to say "It's over" or just let it go.  Since he contacted me, I'm going to have the break up chat..

P.S.  BTW, this isn't the only guy I've met on OLD who shapes up to be other than how he initially presents himself.  I don't think of OLD as desperate or lonely and I know the process well enough not to be duped.  I will agree that I took risks because I enjoyed the sex, though...

Comment #6


I followed most of your posts, not least because you write so eloquently and beautifully, and have a question for you: is the  man in quesiton the toxic one, the 'on and off' more-than-FWB/less-than-bf who having spent a lovely night with you on a Friday, told you to leave him alone whilst chatting up some woman in a pub on a Saturday - you were unfortuate enough to bump into him there? Is this the same person? Please G*d tell me it isn't??..

Comment #7

No, no, I sent the FWB guy, who I found chatting at the bar with another woman, packing the next day.  Well, though, I should probably call him fWB (de-emphasizing the "friend" part given how it all played out), and he evidently didn't have a whole lot of packing to do.   .

And thanks for the compliment.  :-).


Comment #8

Boys are a pain sometimes.Personally, I would be hurt if I was with someone for six months and he said he was still thinking about the ex. Sort of like he's been keeping me around until he figures out what he wants. I might feel a little used.In the past I would have 'fought for my man' so to speak. I would need to prove how much better I was. But now I think, if you dont' want me, fine, whatever, but don't think I am going to go along for the ride. I have too much to do with my life to play this game.I think it's wise to stay away from separated men. They are all over the place, there's a little too much of sowing wild oats...

Comment #9

Well, in fairness to him, I was off in the melodrama of exiting fWB guy from my life for awhile.  That's one of the problems with OLD: over-lapping dates.  I think I should go on a dating (online dating with hiatus for awhile!  Except that I'm about to go off to brunch with a new guy who, thank goodness, I did NOT meet on  ;-D.



Comment #10

Sounds like it was a break up talk. You can text him you wish him well, you've enjoyed spending time with him and if you run into him at a restaurant say hi.


Comment #11

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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