Anytime you sleep with a guy you take a chance that you'll not hear from him again. And it doesnt matter if you sleep with him on the 3rd date using Match.com or 20th date using Match.com - it could happen. You thought he liked you, but did he tell you that he wanted to date using Match.com you or be your BF? Probably not. .
Sure, there are signs that a guy is just into sex, but your best defense is a good offense in this case. If you really want to know what someone is after then you can ask him before you sleep with him..
Cl-krist143 does make some good points about women attaching themselves sooner than men...
I did ask him and he was assured that he wasn't interested in just sex. He even told me he hasn't had sex in a year, and that he wasn't into casual hookups. Now that I am typing this, I am actually laughing I bought it. I doubt that any of this is true. But, lesson learned.
I so want to sent him an email. I don't know why I have the urge to do it, but I do maybe it is because this has never happened to me before. I am irritated. ..
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I wondered what had happened since your last post..
You can't ever elimininate the risk of this happening, unfortunately (and I've had men much older than 35 do it). However, waiting until you've gone out with the guy a bit longer and know him better can reduce the risk. But it can still happen at any time..
Some guys are pretty good liars, so don't beat yourself up too much. You wanted to believe that you were starting something that had a chance of going somewhere, and I'm sure he fed into that belief. That deception is on him..
I wouldn't count on the whole pursuit thing as being a way of avoiding this eitherI've certainly had guys who were pursuing me ardently disappear after we slept together..
I really think that dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for a while (I'd go with at least 10 dates over a month or two as a minimum if you can) and observing the consistency or lack thereof between their words and actions is the best thing you can do. And yes, discussing exclusivity. But you can't avoid the risk of this happening altogether if you're going to date, unfortunately..
You shouldn't beat urself up bec some people are master manipulators, liars and fakers. They are really hard to spot. I personally would just let it go bec if it happened to me, I know that person already wasted enough of my time and energy and would not deserve a glance from me, let alone an email. ..
Thank you all for your reponses. I want to let it go. I do because I am so much better than this.....but I also just want to him to know that what he is doing is so wrong. I won't send anything, but every once in awhile, the thought pops in my head and I get so mad again. But, if anything, I have decided that I will not rush into a sexual relationship (thru Match.com) with somebody until I am 100% confident that they are in it for me, and not sex. It was just that it was the first time that I had started to allow myself to like somebody after my last (and not to good) relationship (thru Match.com) ended. .
<<How is a girl suppose to tell?>>.
When you fully trust yourself - AND LISTEN to your gut instincts - not ignoring the little signs but reading them accurately - you are far more capable to know who is trustworthy and who isn't. Trust isn't what someone gives you - it's what you have in yourself - and when you TRUST yourself, your BS meter is mjore accurate. And if you have implicit trust in yourself. you know who you can trust and to what level - this is why it's possible to trust untrustworthy people - you know what the cut off level is and you know that you can trust them to be who they are and do what they do..
<<I guess looking back, there were obvious signs, and I always go back to guys are pretty simple, when they like you they pursue you, and they tell you. Why is it when we are involved in the situation, we just don't see what is going on? >..
There are always 'sign' that something is up - We don't see it because we want to see our version of it - we WANT it to be what we want and therefore ignore our inner guidance system (this goes back to the statement above - trust your gut instincts). When you trust yourself implicitly to know what is fact from fiction, then it's easier to 'see' what the truth of a situation is..
<< Is it desperation or simply wanting to believe that it's true? I am so mad that I allowed this to happen. Ugh. I want to scream>>.
Its more of believing the fantasy rather than seeing the reality. The fantasy is always perfect in our heads. Esp when we get tied to a specific outcome - he likes me and wants a relationship (thru Match.com) with me....Rather than beat yourself up - learn from it and let go of the bad energy..
Emailing him may make you feel better in teh short term - but all it really accomplishes is putting more negative energy into the situation - which just attracts more. Find some what to physicallly get your anger out - kick boxing, hiking, whatever physical activity helps - forgive the jerk and leave him to his own devices - he has his own karma to deal with. Until you let go of the negative energy you are carrying - it will taint everything in your life. He isn't worth your being angry at yourself over. He isn't worth the negativity you are holding onto.
One thing that you can do to improve your own trust in yourself is to listen when those unwanted thoughts pop in your head. You don't want them because they run counter to your 'ideal' situation - but by discounting them, you are cutting yourself off from the very best source of information you can possible have.
Your heart will never lie to you - listen to those random, sometimes unwanted, thoughts - that is where your best direction is.
Hmmm, so you DID address this withhim before you slept with him. And he lied. Normally I agree with the others and say dont give this guy the time of day...but...I'd be tempted to send him an email that just says "coward/liar" and nothing more - just to address it with him...
That is what I want to say. Coward. I want to so badly. But, I am using this negative energy to fuel my running and exercise regime. But, I know that I will run into this guy at some point in time and I will be so tempted to say something in person. Ugh. .
Toni, thanks for the insight. I know I need to trust my instincts, and looking back, if I had, I wouldn't be in this position. I would have walked away. But, because of an issue that happened a long time ago (where I fell madly in love thought we were going to get married and them, bam it was over....of course, I saw the warning signs in hindsight, but at the time, I thougth everything was great).....as a result of that incident, I am no trusting of other's intention, and I look at signs too much. If he waits to call, that's a sign. If he is down one day, that's a sign. I ended up bailing on relationships before they began, because I didn't want the same thing to happen. .
I have slowly gotten over that, but now, I think I have gone to the other extreme, and not wanting to focus on the signs, I have ignored them..
Hopefully, next time around, I can be true to myself..
I just don't understand why some people seem to be so lucky in love and others, not so much. I definately don't have luck in this department. It is depressing!..
This is why they say "hindsight is 20/20" Its EASY to look back and see the signs when you aren't really paying attention along the way.
There is a happy medium between over analyzing - which is what most women do - and not listening to yourself. When you get out of yourhead, it's much easier to 'hear' what your hearts wants you to hear.
Learning to listen to your heart is not something that you just do with men - this is part of your everyday life. So start now. When you have a decision to make, meditate, exercise, or something that gets you out of your head - the answer that is best for you is there when you get the junk out of hte way. don't ask other people what you should do - learn to trust that you know best for yourself and do it.
And if you BELEIVE you know what is best for you, then you will act and live accordingly, you will live grounded in reality and not get attached to specific outcomes.
When people are 'lucky' it's because they are in a receptive place - they allow good things, be it love, money, career or what not. Their energy is good and they draw more of the same to themselves. Remember like attracts like and you get what you focus on - so focus on FINDING and KEEPING a good loving relationship. Focus on the good feelings and on receiving good things and it will come to you. This is why you MUST let go of your negative energy and anger..
If you haven't done so, read or watch the Secret or other resources focusing on the law of attraction and see how you might be contributing to unsatisfactory situaiton in your life. You can be just as 'lucky' as anyone - but you must be clear and focused on HAVING that which is good for you..