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Went on match .com as a joke , now my fiance hates me?

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My first question is: Went on match .com as a joke , now my fiance hates me?.

My next question is: I have been talking to this guy for quite a while (he's a little older than me). He actively pursued me and I wasn't sure at first, but I eventually started to like him. We had seen each other a few times and talk a lot(he lives kind of far away)and we decided to meet somewhere and spend time together for a weekend, where we were intimate. We had a great time, and for 2-3 days after he was very sweet, telling me he had a good time, etc.The problem is..I told him I had a great time, and asked when were we going to meet again? He said he didn't know...and all of a sudden he became distant (didn't talk to me as much, one word answers, etc). So I didn't talk to him a while, he asked me how I was doing one or two times and I replied with short answers. I really do care about him, so one day I just IMed him to say 'hello' just to see how he was doing...not really expecting to carry on a conversation.

I told him I felt he got distant with me after our trip..and he said he was really sorry.After that, things have been a lot better. He contacts me almost every day, if not every day he will the next day. He's been contacting me more than I have been contacting him. In a few weeks, he will be in town (we work together), and I am nervous about how that is going to turn out. It makes me nervous that he was soo distant before, and I really enjoyed spending time with him, but I'm afraid of what will happen next.

This has been going on for a while, but for some reason in the past few days, I have felt more emotional then ever. I keep imagining he'll come here and just say..he wants to end it, and it upsets me to think about it. I don't know what can make me feel better, or what I should do...

Comments (7)

Your question was: Went on match .com as a joke , now my fiance hates me?.

Based on what you posted it seems as though you dont have a clear idea of where you stand with him and did not discuss dating (online dating with Match.com) status prior to sleeping together or monogamy or exclusivity and that is causing anxiety and fear.  It could be that he pulled back because he doesnt want to be in a commited relationship (thru Match.com) right now and likes the casual nature of the relationship (thru Match.com) he started with you. Or...it could be HE was waiting for the axe to fall and wondered if you would want to take it further..

 If you are open to exploring where this relationship (thru Match.com) will go and are willing to go casual or commited, then just hang back and see how he things go on the next visit.  If you know you want to be in a commited relationship (thru Match.com) and dont want anything casual then you might want to say something to him so you dont get really hurt - especially since you work with each other...

Comment #1

I totally agree with you. I don't really know where I stand with him. I didn't want to discuss "relationship" or "commitment" with him so early, especially when we live so far apart. He's also a bit older (the age most men would be married already), and I was afraid he may have a commitment problem, so I thought seeing each other and getting to know one another first and then talk relationship/commitment later may work better because I didn't want to scare him off. I had heard from others that he was seeing a girl a few years ago and they were expecting an engagement, but then she dumped him.I didn't think it would be fair to ask him to commit when we first started seeing each other. What do you think? When he comes in a few weeks for his next visit, I hope to spend more time with him, and maybe bring it up.

I just want to know if it has the potential to be serious, and that this isn't just a fling...

Comment #2

If you can handle the uncertainty then leave things as they are and let things unfold as they do.  If you do not like that approach but you dont want to scare him off, as you say, then ask him where he's at. Tell him for health reasons that you would like to know if he is currently sleeping with anyone else and see what he says.  If he says no then you can ask him if he would like to keep things exclusive and monogamous between the two of you...

Comment #3

 The best thing to do, IMO, is to STOP living in the past, and STOP thinking in the future. Worrying can ONLY happen to things that happen in the future. STOP IT!!  You're all worried about something that hasn't even happened. Yes, he was 'distant' for a moment, be said sorry, and that's it. Move on..

 To sit and WORRY about something that hasn't even happened, is a complete WASTE of your time and energy. Focus on your life, RIGHT NOW, do the things you enjoy in life, and stop thinking in 'future tense'. It's really that simple. MAKE A DECISION TO STOP WORRYING, RIGHT NOW!!.

 Z.

Z..

Comment #4

Well, things have just took a turn for the worst. Turns out he won't be coming here when he was supposed to. The thing he was supposed to do for work got postponed until probably the end of the year so his trip is cancelled. I was sooo upset. Right now it all feels hopeless, like maybe it's not in the cards for us. Maybe I should walk away before I get really hurt.

But I think if he really wanted to, he would have offered. I'm just really confused right now, and frustrated and I guess a little scared. I was thinking about looking for a new job and moving somewhere different. I love the job I have right now but I don't like the town I live in. I was going to see after he came, if I thought it could be possible to keep seeing each other, and if so I could wait a little longer to see where it goes..

Comment #5

You can ask him if he would be interested in coming to see you anyway.  You'll get your answer one way or the other as to how interested he is in seeing you.  I know you could end up hurt if he says he doesnt want to see you or schedule another time but then you will not have invested your heart entirely in him and will be able to move on more successfully...

Comment #6

Hi!  I followed your advice, and I told him he could still come and visit me.  He said that he liked it when we met halfway.  It's easier that way and I think it's fair.  So we'll be meeting somewhere hopefully soon, which is great new for me!  Thanks for your advice.  I'm so glad I asked, it's a big weight off my shoulders.  It may not work out in the end, but at least I know I gave it my all..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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