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My question is: Using Match.com in Australia?.

My 2nd question is: I am beginning to think I will never be happy in love. I am dating (online dating with Match.com) two different guys right now, one of whom I really like a lot. I think they are both good people, nice intelligent people ..and yet I can't see myself being in a relationship (thru Match.com) with either one of them. I actually don't think I can be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with anyone anymore. I don't want to lose my freedom, and I don't like the idea of having to call someone everday, I don't like the idea of feeling obligated to call and go on dates every weekend... It's that sense of feeling like I "have to" do these things..it's so annoying to me.

That whole idea of having to act like you're a married couple..it's the part that I can't stand. Ironically, I do want love and I do want to be with a man and have a healthy relationship....BUT I don't want to lose my freedom to come and go as I please and to do as I please... What in the heck is wrong with me?? I am 33 years old and I can't get over this thing. It's like I am so scared of marriage and children and the responsibilty of all that. And ultimately I am afraid of ending up like my mom.

I know my fear most likely stems from growing up in this environment, but it's like ..all men are not going to be my dad. And I know this, but somehow I still can't get myself to trust that won't happen to me too......but bottom line is that I never liked being in relationships  b/c I've always felt trapped in them. Now my question is, what should I do?? I want love, but I don't want the responsibilities that come with being with someone... that is my dilemma. I don't want to call him everyday, I don't want to feel that obligation to anyone.

I dont think I know what I want anymore. I hope you can help me and hopefully I am not the only one who feels this way. Please tell me I am not psycho or crazy ..I envy people who can just be in realtionships and not feel that bogged down feeling..I want to be like those people, but I don't know if I can...The only way I could would be to force myself to be someone I'm not, and just hide how I really feel...in other words do exactly what I did in my past relationships..but then I'll never be satisfied or be true to myself....

Comments (7)

You have to respect and love yourself first and make your life the best it can be. A relationship (thru Match.com) should compliment your life not BE your life. Even married couples need their own lives away from their partner, they don't need to be joined at the hip. Not everyone needs to talk on the phone everyday, or spend every available waking moment with their SO (I know I don't)....its just not healthy. No one can make you do anything, you are in control of your life and your actions.....you resented it because you felt you had to do this or that, your partner didn't make you do that....you chose to do it...and you know that it hasn't worked so far, so the next relationship (thru Match.com) don't repeat those actions.... Go on with your life, don't give up friends, family, hobbies, or all your free time.Try some self help books or counseling if needed to make yourself complete and happy with yourself....when you do that you will attract someone the same...

Comment #1

It does sound like you are not relationship (thru Match.com) material.  Were those two relationships you were in miserable experiences?  It could have something to do with your past or maybe not.  If this feeling bothers you have you thought of going to therapy to uncover the basis of this feeling you have and to help define your wants and desires?.

You cant have all the good stuff of a relationship (thru Match.com) without the responsibilities.  But those responsibilties shouldnt feel awful..

All of us have to deal with trust issues - some of us more than others.  Just like the commercial says, "you gotta be in it to win it."  There are no guarantees in life that the man you marry will be with you "til death do you part."  Cheating is always a possibility - for you as well as him.  In general, people dont want to have sex with one person for the rest of their lives.  If go into it with your eyes open and with realistic expectations then you'll be able to participate in a marriage in such a way to hopefully prevent that type of betrayal..

However, if you like your current lifestyle..then why question yourself?  Why not enjoy what you have?..

Comment #2

Thanks for your responses. Sassisiz, I agree with you that a relationship (thru Match.com) must complement my life..not be my life. Unfortunately, it seems that most of the men that I have met are a bit more on the clingy side than I would like. It's like you have one conversation with them, and already they want to rush into a committed relationship (thru Match.com) with you. I just would love to meet someone who is as independent as I am, and who will give me my space and not expect so much from me. I just have always been with people who have expected a lot from me, and I think that is what has made me so afraid of being in a relationship (thru Match.com) again.

I had to keep my life in order as well as his. So it's like now anytime I meet a new guy, I'm always weary when I see that he wants that call everyday, because I automatically think to myself that why is he expecting this from me?? we've only just met.

I guess there really is nothing I can do, except just be honest with these guys. I've told one of them already that I really need my space and he seems to be okay with it. But my concern sometimes is will this fear inside of me ever go away? I don't want to find myself having these feelings if I ever do  decide to get serious with someone. I want to feel happy, and not be afraid of feeling boxed in, or trapped.

I agree with you that I perhaps do need some therapy for this. It probably wouldn't hurt. Thanks for your comments! I hope Doyenne will read this, I'm curious to see what she has to say ..

Edited 4/13/2008 12:32 am ET by fontana1525..

Comment #3

You are not alone.I'm the same way. I enjoy male company, but I don't want to feel obligated. I don't ever plan to remarry or cohabitate ever again. I've just figured out that it is not for me. If you don't want to do it, then don't. There are men out there will be perfectly happy with casual relationships.I have one guy-friend that I've been seeing for 3yrs.

We talk when\if we feel like talking and have sex when the mood hits us. We both date using Match.com other people when we want to. We're very good friends and both of us are happy the type of friendship we have.I would personally like to find someone to fall in love with and feel passionate about...but even then, I don't plan on it being some huge commitment/obligation.My issue with your post is that *you* don't seem content. You seem like you might *want* more but are afraid of it, where as I genuinely just don't want it in the first place (which is different.) However, I wish you luck and I think you'll eventually figure out what you want.And remember, you are an individual. Our culture is so formulaic about these matters....Everyone wants to pressure you to follow this time line that starts with dating (online dating with Match.com) and ends with a 50yr marriage and grandkids.

There is nothing wrong with taking a stand and saying, "Ya know what? All this family/marriage crap? Nah, it's not for me."I take a lot of crap for it myself...but you know what? It's really no one's business but your own. Don't let our culture tell you what SHOULD make you happy. People tend to think that just because something makes THEM happy, it will make EVERYONE happy. Or, sometimes, they are NOT happy, but want to feel validated in their choices to marry/procreate by urging others to do the same (a screwed up kind of "misery loves company".).

Edited 4/13/2008 3:43 am ET by thestral..

Comment #4

Thanks for your comment thestral, you give me hope. I would love to have exactly what you have with your male friend. Yes, THAT IS what would work best for me too. And if I were to have that passionate romantic type of love with a man, the truth is  I would still want to have it be the same wayI don't think I could ever be happy in a conventional relationship. The thing is that I"m just now beginning to be  honest with myself about what I really want. I like you get a lot of grief from my friends and co-workers who wonder about why I don't worry about the whole "marriage and having children thing".

And when I confess to them, that I dont think playing that role is right for me, they look at me like I've got some sort of problem.

I do want to have just "one" kid before I turn 45. I'm not interested in having more than one kid, but what I am really hoping for is that I can find a father and companion that will be okay with having this unconventional type of relationship (thru Match.com) that I am looking for. I just don't see myself ever being happy in a conventional marriage with kids and doing what everyone else thinks I should do. Just not my vision of what I feel will make me happy. I think I would suffocate in that kind of scenario. Even just in my relationship (thru Match.com) with my exes (having no kids and not being married to them) even then, I felt like I was suffocating all the time.

 .

And I love what you said here :.

 People tend to think that just because something makes THEM happy, it will make EVERYONE happy. Or, sometimes, they are NOT happy, but want to feel validated in their choices to marry/procreate by urging others to do the same (a screwed up kind of "misery loves company".).

I agree!!..

Comment #5

Hi fontana1525,.

Welcome to the board!!.

I think a very important part of a relationship (thru Match.com) is still having your own life and guys like this.  They don't feel like they have to keep us occupied.  Don't give up doing your favorite things.  If you can include your guy now and then, that's all he should want.  If you don't want to call either of these guys every day, maybe they are not right for you and you should  move on.  I know my bf and I don't always have tons of time for each other, but we make a call once a day even if it is just for 5 minutes..

Good luck in your search!! you don't have to loose your independence!!.

 .

 .

           ..

Comment #6

First, love and fear cannot co-exist.   So, whatever fears you have ... those need to be resolved.  Counseling will help..

Secondly, yes ... this is probably due to your upbringing and what you witnessed/experienced with your parents.  But, here's some 'tough love' ... you're 33!  Build a bridge and get over it.    I know a woman (not a friend, more of an acquaintance or 'friend of a friend') who is 45 ... never married, no kids ... successful to the outside world (ie, has a business and is financially in good shape) but is a messed-up alcoholic and has never had successful relationship.  And why?   Oh, she had a messed up childhood.   What a shame!  ... to go thru life up to the age of 45 and still not OVER her childhood issues. .

Don't be that women.  In 12 more years when you are her age.  It is truly pitiful.  No love in your life or any sort of lasting, bonding relationships.  (its pitiful and sad because she won't help herself). .

Again, counseling will help.   BUT ... counseling only helps people who want to help themselves.   If you go to counseling with the hope or expectation that a counselor will somehow validate your feelings, then ... you will be disappointed. .

Counselors aren't there to validate or make you feel 'ok' about your feelings and/or guide you toward learning to live with and 'accept' your baggage (ie, acceptance is a key phrase in today's self-help world).   And, I mean 'baggage' in the sense that ... yes, we all have it ... the difference ... some of us learn to leave it ... and some of us carry it thru life.   Which one you want is up to you.   Your choice.

A counselor will simply guide you toward revealing the answers of you and the why's of you ... there is a root cause of everything ... and understanding that root cause along with guiding you toward a solution is what will help you overcome the fear you described.

To me, this doesn't sound like commitment-phobia .... it sounds like you want a relationship, companionship, something loving and long-lasting ... but, you view all of that thru the lens of it being a burden.  Which it doesn't have to be.    There are PLENTY of men out there who aren't clingon-types ... plenty who would appreciate an independent woman who doesn't need to be doted on and called day and night.  .

But, the more you focus on what you don't want and don't have ... the less likely you will receive what you really DO want.   .

IMO, this just sounds like thoughts/beliefs that were held over from childhood and ... your experiences to date using Match.com with having relationships is that they are too smothering ... and all it will take is a change of mindset and one positive experience with a man who isn't that way to start changing things around for you.  But, it DOES start with you ... no one can do it for you ... you have to be willing to change your way of thinking about this.

Lastly, you may want to pick up a copy of a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared:  The Hidden Fears that Sabotage Relationships."    You might find it insightful.  ..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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