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Update on rusty at dating....

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Here is an update on my last post..Rusty on Dating...He did contact me after his finals were over, of course I thought I could do the no strings attached, just distance myself from my feelings. So, I saw him and again and I do not know what came over me (I think I had drank alittle too much wine)But I went to his apartment and climbed in the bed with him, we had sex and it was nice. It was not or did not feel like just a one time thing, ya know. Felt natural I guess is what I am trying to say. Anyways, he was leaving in a couple of days to go to Denver for the following week. So I did not hear form him at all while he was gone which was not surprising.

So we email each other off and on all day. He calls me when he gets out of class, I took him dinner that I had cooked. We sat there and talked, I asked questions and he asked as well. The sad thing is, we start kissing and next thing I know we are on the floor. Afterwards, he talks about his sexual performance was not up to parr.

We talked alittle more, then I left to go home because I know he was tired and sounded terrible. I have talked to him a couple of times to day, but just about work. He did ask me how I was doing, but that is about it. I am confused, because I really like this guy and I don't want to be pushy and needy. But in the mean-time, I feel depressed (plus my ex called this morning and made me cry, so that does not help).

I like it the way it is, but then again I am caring loving person and I guess I just want to know that I am liked back...

Comments (6)

Your question was: Update on rusty at dating.....

You're too vulnerable right now to be in a booty call/FWB situation and that's what this is looking like. He may well "like" you but it seems this is primarily about sex.I think it's best for you to focus on your healing (and WHY are you talking to your ex???) and not be involved with anyone right now. As a rule, women need to be in a really, really super strong, confident space to be able to handle something casual and you're not right now.Sheri..

Comment #1

I know I need to heal, that is clear. I guess that is why I like this guy, he is nt all clingy and has he life going on. Any my ex still tries to control me even though we are no longer together. I try not to talk to him because he does get me so upset, but I still have things at his house where we once lived together at. So what are the first steps to healing, how do I do that? I know that sounds pathetic but I haven't been in this situation before...

Comment #2

It takes 3 things to get over someone: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other. Right now you need to focus on no contact and let time do it's workfocusing on reaching acceptance will come later.Unless the things you have at your ex's house are irreplaceable, unique items, it's best to let them go. Don't make getting your stuff be a "thing" that keeps you hooked in. Do what you need to do to stop him from contacting youif that means changing your phone number and/or blocking him from emailing you, then that's what you need to do.You should read and post on the Breaking Up Is Hard to Do board in addition to this boardthere is lots of good information and support there for people trying to move on.Sheri..

Comment #3

"I don't know what to do, again I am not looking for a relationship (thru Match.com) but heck I don't know what I am wanting from him. I like it the way it is, but then again I am caring loving person and I guess I just want to know that I am liked back."Is it possible that you are not healed from your last relationship (thru Match.com) and you are looking for some acceptance and approval? If so, then this guy would qualify as a bandage, but could rip that wound right open again...

Comment #4

If it's important to you to know how much you are "liked" in a casual sex situation, I don't think you are a good candidate to be in a casual sex situation.  By definition, it's supposed to be enough that you both like the sex, and that's all you want from each other.  But that's why FWB arrangements are usually pretty shaky for women, because we DO care whether we are respected, and we generally want the guy to want us beyond just sex... even if we ultimately decide we don't want him as a boyfriend.  Women want the "first right of refusal," if you will..

I am not familiar with your previous situation, but it does sound like you're not out of your old relationship (thru Match.com) yet.  The only way to get completely out is to stop your ex from contacting you.  I know it seems harsh to change your number, etc., but if you ask him to stop calling and he continues, you need to do what you gotta do.  It's up to you to decide how serious you are about putting this relationship (thru Match.com) behind you..

And I know a part of you gets some kind of satisfaction from the fact that he's still calling you (been there... got the T shirt).  But if you're trying to get over it, that means you also know this is a relationship (thru Match.com) with no hope and one that brings you more UNHAPPINESS than it ever brought you joy.  So there really is no reason to continue talking to this man.  Give him a drop-dead deadline for retrieving your belongings, and if you don't get them by that time, let them go.  If there's something super-valuable, the only thing you might be able to do is sue him to get them back.  Other than that, you're just using the belongings as an excuse to keep this person actively in your life..

Trust me, you WILL get used to not talking to him, and you will end up feeling so relieved when you are finally  on the other side of this. I cannot tell you how much FREEDOM there is in not thinking  or caring so much about an ex.  But you've gotta put that distance between you to get started.  Time will take care of the rest.  Good luck..

Jilly..

Comment #5

It sounds like it's a very vulnerable time for you and being physically intimate obviously can lead to a lot of confusion.  Why not let this guy take you out on a real date using Match.com instead of you just going over there and bringing food.  When you feel you deserve to be treated well, that is what will happen.  And you do deserve that by all means..

,..

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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