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UK only please: Do you have an acount with match.com in England?

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My first question is: UK only please: Do you have an acount with match.com in England?.

My next question is: Hi! Just looking for some insight or opinions please We both were married, then got out of our marriages and dated for 2 years someone 8 years younger than us then we both broke those relationships off in November then in December we met and started talking. We started dating (online dating with Match.com) within 2 weeks, we spent every day together for the last 6 weeks except 3 days. It's all coincidence that we had the same marriage time and same 8 year younger person relationship (thru Match.com) and both happened to break up with that person in November and both our ex's moved to California too So, we are dating (online dating with Match.com) for the last 6 weeks, he asked me out on Christmas day and everything was going good and strong....then something happened. He wants to take a "break" from the relationship (thru Match.com) to "think about things". I might have said something inadvertently about how he felt and scared him off. Saturday: This is when he dropped the "can we be friends right now or pause the relationship".

I haven't brought it up again. I responded badly at first, for about an hour I argued it, then I got mad for 5 minutes then I just let go and said "sure, no problem" which should have been my first response. At that point I started to focus on myself, and being happy and I let him know if he wants to lose me, his loss since I am awesome and if he isn't willing to find that out that's not my problem. Then I stopped talking to him for a while. Then he started messaging me asking questions such as "What do we have in common" or "I wish I knew myself better" and "I think I'm feeling this way because of my past".

Ended call and he said I love you good night. Sunday: Here is where I acted as nonchalant as possible, not mentioning anything relationship (thru Match.com) wise, talking about having fun etc. He messages me with <3's and "miss u" through out the day. I message him and tell him that even though we agreed to see each other on Sunday night that we don't have to, he replies he wants to. I don't respond for the rest of the night, he shows up at my door at 8:30pm asking me to take a walk with him.

I tell him not to worry about things all is well. He then asks me if I hate him and I say nope I'm good, you asked for time and I am okay with that. He then states that he started thinking about our relationship (thru Match.com) for the long term and I told him that he doesn't need to do that after just 6 weeks and should wait at least a year before he should worry about such things. I then attempt to steer our conversation away from relationship (thru Match.com) talk and he keeps going back to it. I just act as happy as I feel inside and then he says to me that I walk really confidently, weird to mention but OK.

By the time we get back to the house he asks me to come home with him, spend time with him. I pause...I say to him that I'm not sure how wise that is since I want to give you time alone for you to think and he replies to not worry about it that he has time to think and asks me to come home with him 3 more times, then asks if he can stay at my place instead...anything to stay around me it seemed I think..ok..just for a few hours I will visit him. He leaves and I just walk in the house not really giving him a definite if I am coming or not. I just hugged him, kissed him and walked in the house, he waited outside for a few minutes then finally drove off. After about 10 minutes I message him and tell him I'll see him soon.

We hang out on the couch talking about politics, science, watching some TV, I set my phone alarm for 2 hours and when it goes off I said "bye" and then he holds me tighter not letting go. He says I can go or I can go in the morning. I think about it for a while and I end up staying just falling asleep and left early this morning while he still slept. I asked him what he planned on doing on Monday and he stated he was going to write out his feelings and try and get a handle on his confusion. I sent him a msg saying "TY for stopping by and for the comfortable evening, have a great day today!" I follow this up about 3 hours later mentioning "the guys at my gym are super friendly" just to show him that I am desirable and someone else could grab me up at any moment.

****Now**** I'm feeling this is a super delicate situation and could go good or bad. He is a super great guy, we don't argue, I get along with him 100% and I'm really happy with him. I was thinking we spent to much time together in the beginning and at some point he realized it and started to think bout the "long term" of our relationship. I want to carefully get him back to acknowledging us as a couple, no longer "paused" as he calls it and continue to just have fun and learn about each other. Any advice on how best to do that ? Thanks!!!!Edited 2/2/2009 11:28 am ET by zeranity.

Edited 2/2/2009 11:37 am ET by zeranity..

Comments (12)

Your question was: UK only please: Do you have an acount with match.com in England?.

There was a song out in the 80's that said "Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you'll loose control".

Relationships are either growing or they are dying. Yours is at a crossroads. He has spooked himself and is focusing more on his remembered pain from teh past rather than the joys of love.  Taking a step back is wise.

Basically, his fear of pain is slightly greater than his desire for love and intimacy.

Give him a little time - but be wise about it. Many women accept a 'consolation prize' in these situations - they are so afraid of losing him that they begin 'convincing' behaviors and allow him as much access and benefits without requiring the same from him in the hopes that he will promote them back to gf status. This doesn't work.

So set some boundaries - if he wants to be friends, that fine. let him know you love him and want to be with him, etc (if all this is what you want) and understand he has some things to sort through.  Simply be clear what this means for you and that he no longer gets teh benefit of. Also set yourself a mental time limit. As long as he has everything he had before this happened, he won't have a sense of urgency to do anything different. so  continue to see him and talk but fill up your time in otherways.

If you are less available to him yet, responding in a way that doesn't keep him spooked, He'll quickly see that you add value to his life and want to be part of YOUR life, or he'll realize his heart isn't in it..

Either way, you will have an answer. Anytime anyone gets spooked, they calm down by being around calm people. most of the time, women freak and react in fear - which a spooked man will pick up on instantly.  He will never remember those loving and fun feelings around a fearful and insecure woman.

You recognize that you are a great catch. Hold onto that belief - he will either get it or he won't. I do hope he does..

Best wishes.

Toni..

Comment #1

Hi Toni,Perfect! I'm trying to find that balance of not giving him what he was getting while we were dating (online dating with Match.com) so I regret a little sleeping over last night...I will not do that again, gotta make him think about if he misses me or not. I'm also not sure about him asking for definite plans on Friday. I agreed to do something with him, not sure if this goes out of the boundary of giving him the benefits without the effort. Once I agreed to seeing him this Friday I said see you then and haven't responded to him since. He sent a few messages, miss you's and so forth. I plan to be very careful with my week, minimal talking, no seeing him unless he shows up at my house again and staying busy. Follow Up Question**Should I have agreed to spend time with him on Friday?****How should I approach asking him his decision? Should I wait for him to state it or should I mention it's been a week, what do you think? I want to avoid sounding ultimatum like.**..

Comment #2

I remember when I was dealing with this in a relationship (thru Match.com) a long time ago - I ultimately didn't handle it well but I learned a LOT and matured a lot..

Don't worry about what has happened. Focus instead on a happy contented future and a fulfilling relaitonship - allow yourself to to acknowledge that he may not want to continue the relaitonship and then let it go. Along with every other thought about what things 'should/would/could' be.  Yes, it's hard but it IS POSSIBLE.

It is not at all unusual for a man to continue to seek a comforting situation when he is afraid. And you are comfortable for him.   this is where it gets tricky (and what I didn't handle well) - go out with him as long as YOU feel good about it. If you find yourself getting stuck in your head with what if, and micro-analyzing and such, don't see him. Be open with him about this also. Let him know that the situation is difficult for you (you don't have to elaborate if you don't want to - I find that says enough to a man)..

The point is to get back to the easy, relaxed and fun place you were AND also acknowledge teh growing feelings and intimacy. Those are teh things he is afraid of - because he is equating them with pain. I read a good way to separate yourself from someone's painful past is by using statements like "Some women (or someone) treated you badly and caused you great hurt " while looking at something, pointing at something (some action to put that memory eslewhere).

Then, you further underscore the difference by saying something like "Some women are too damned good to let go. I don't know anyone who has never been hurt. but so what? And sometimes, you have to decide to do it anyway" while pointing at yourself.  Sometimes the less said the better. No man decided to be with a woman because she told him to.

What he needs to understand is that the window of oportunity of this good thing (you) is limited. Once the train leaves the station, it's gone. But he has to want to make the trip in SPITE of his fear.

This is why it's important to get busy with other things for a little while - to stay out of your own head and keep your fear at bay but to also remind him that you are find and happy one way or the other. Yes, you want him in your life - but if he chooses not, then you will be fine. (This is what I did badly - I feel apart.  Took me a while to pull myself back together - and I'm a strong woman!)  Do like you would if you had just met him - make plans with friends, family - whatever - to get you out of the house.

Go out and enjoy his company on Fri. I personally wouldn't bring it up unless he does. Another day or so will not make a difference.  Then next week - ask him if you can talk about 'your pause' (fon't force him to - it's best to let him set the time so he can be relaxed or as much as possible) and then just be direct and honest in your feelings "This has been difficult for me. I really miss you and the fun we've had. I know I want to be with you. I can't undo the hurts others have caused. I can only be me. I need to be with someone who knows that I am everything they want and love. I hope that's you.



This is much different than an ultimatum. those don't work because they are fear based. Keep it simple and on point and about what YOU want and need here. In order to get what you want, you have to be willing to walk away from it. Him included..

Always remember - YOU get to choose what is best for you. And he has to decide what is best for him.

Toni..

Comment #3

I get love quotes on my Google home page - this might help you:.

______________________________.

I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around.

I love you. It's not a box that holds you in.

I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear.

I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make.

I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon.

I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection.

I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's).

I love you. It's not to make you change.

I love you. It's not even to make you love me.

I love you. It's as pure and simple as that.

Anonymous.

Toni..

Comment #4

When men want to take breaks it means that either 1) they dont know whether or not they want you, 2) want to get control over the relationship (thru Match.com) - they see it moving too fast or too much on the woman's terms, or 3) there is someone else they want to have sex with. .

"Then he started messaging me asking questions such as "What do we have in common" or "I wish I knew myself better" and "I think I'm feeling this way because of my past". ".

Tell him to go get a shrink...

Comment #5

I know you werent asking me specifically, so just ignore this if you want..

I dont see anything wrong with hanging out Friday.  I mean, your gonna need his decision at some point, right? lol  What are you guys doing on Friday?  I wouldnt meet at a house.  Why not go somewhere safe and neutral like out to eat or coffee.  I'd wait a little and if he doesnt say anything, then specifically ask about the relationship (thru Match.com) status. .

Honestly, I would not like being in limbo relationship-wise.  My #1 pet peeve is my time being wasted.  I mean really, dude, you either like me or you dont.  Im not waiting for anybody..

Edited 2/2/2009 10:41 pm ET by blairbear89..

Comment #6

This is just my opinion...but spending that much time with a man you  just met 6 weeks ago would freak me out, too.  Yikes!.

Of course, I know lots of people do this, often with marriage as a result..

I also know that if it gets too heavy too soon it can kill a good thing.   I don't believe in any serious talks too soon.  I also believe to let the man initiate it.  Women can back away if they want BUT, I would NOT bring up seriousness in the relationship.  Everything could be going well and once that seriousness is interjected, men can freak....it can feel overwhelming and no longer "fun" even if you intend to keep it light..

I also feel that men need space to figure how they feel.  Nothing kills the mystery, the delight, the romance that TOO MUCH TIME SPENT TOGETHER in the early stages.  Ugh!  Sorry, that is how I feel....it's so much better to limit the time spent in the beginning to keep up the interest/romance/intrigue!   Very important..

You had good instincts to go back to "having fun" and being light.   Be light, be easy, not too serious.  Give more space to the relationship.  How about seeing him 2x a week?  That way you give him the GIFT of missing you and figuring out how much he wants to..

I know we are all different, but I think it's healthy to want alone time in the beginning.  I am seeing a man almost 4 months. I see him 4 nights a week.  I love being with him and feel I have a future with him BUT I so appreciate my "free" nights to connect with myself.  I don't miss him, I don't "need" to be with him...I enjoy myself and being ME.  This gives him time away from me and where makes our time together special..

Pull back...really pull back.  If he comes around change the tone of the relationship (thru Match.com) and limit the time spent.  If I were him, wow, I'd pull back too...see every single day?  That would overwhelm me completey EVEN if I was totally in love.

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Soliel..

Comment #7

Thank you for all the responses everyone!!! Super appreciated!Yes I defiantly am limiting everything to Friday night or twice a week at most. We were just going along not really thinking and then looks like he realized it at some point and put the breaks on. I'm OK with that since I understand it. But I defiantly want to get back to a dating (online dating with Match.com) or non dating (online dating with Match.com) situation with him instead of limbo...

Comment #8

^^^^^Update^^^^^^^Again, thank you to everyone for your advice. I decided to message my guy today and said : "Thank you for our pause, it has giving me some time for perspective and I appreciate it. Have a great day today!"He says: "What did you think about"I say: "Lots of things but to simplify we were spending to much time together and I feel much better now that we have backed off some. I would like to date using Match.com you on a slower pace and that feels right after giving it some time and thought". He basically replied saying he was feeling the same way, that he started to feel a little weird about all the time together (since it was a lot) and wasn't sure what he was feeling and now....we are no longer in limbo, back to our dating (online dating with Match.com) and having fun slowly Again I appreciate all the advice / posts, it kept me level headed and gave me a chance not to freak out (((Hugs)))..

Comment #9

Ok, I  might be misreading something somewhere, but the gist is IMHO this. Essentially, he said to you that he wanted to spend a lot less time with you than what you were spending together. You were very happy to be spending all this time with him but  had to force yourself to cut down in order to keep him in your life.  You are now going to see little of each other at his request.  I am confused by your last post's 'all is great now' sort of tone... You're not in limbo..how? Back to dating.. how? I get the vibe that this man is too much of a coward to come out and say 'I don't want to be with you anymore' and is bull*(&(ing you with 'less time together' in hope that he'll be able to just fade out of your life and that you will get the message eventually. Sorry to be brutally honest...

Comment #10

I think what you have been doing lately is good, making sure he knows you have other options and aren't commited to him is definately making him think twice. Giving him space is the best way to figure out if he wants you around in his life. Keep up what you are doing and you will eventually get a definate answer of what he wants with you...

Comment #11

I would not be exclusive and date using Match.com others..

I know it's hard but things are not clear with this man yet.  So I wouldn't give him all of yourself unless he asks for it..

Pulling back can mean lots of things. Sometimes it's a way for them to gradually leave the relationship.  Othertimes it could be they feel overwhelmed and truly need space to determine how they feel.  Men only figure out how much they like you when they are alone and away from you...so we must give them that time to do so..

So you are going to find out what it is.  When you pull back...if he perks up again and shows interest...you'll know he really is interested..

By the way, just for the future, I am not sure I'd be so open about your plans to pull back.  I would just do it...quietly but sweetly without announcing my plans.   It kind of leaves mystery so he doesn't know what exactly you are thinking. From now on, I'd be more mum on your thoughts and just watch him and what he does..

He knows your plans now...but he doesn't need to know everything...he doesn't deserve it yet.  So go out with others but please, please do not tell him everything you are doing, etc.  Keep him wondering what you are up to!  I am telling you it adds to a man's desire and interest when he doesn't know all you are planning/thinking/doing..

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Good luck.

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Soliel..

Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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