Your question was: Two year relationship - you find your GF/BF's profile on Match.com, How would you view this?.
You are totally justified in feeling the way you feel. If you sense she is getting her ego stroked by these guy friends then there is no way she is going to let that go. In that case, you are better off with a woman who doesnt need a harem of men around her admiring her at your expense. ..
Thank you for the advice...It really makes me feel better about my decision. I've got a long road for recovery ahead because we live together and I love her so much. She is not willing to give at all and is content to think that I have a problem, so I guess I've gotta move on. After all I don't think I'm such a bad catch so It's her loss! Thanks again!! oh and btw I'm new around here so I didn't realize until after I started the thread that this forum is targeted for women...lol..
Welcome to the board. Don't worry our board isn't just for women. We love to have you guys on here. Both male and female input is really helpful, so I actually wish more men would come around!! Hope to have you visit and post often!!.
Sorry about your girl. I too think you are justified in your decision. If she isn't willing to give and compromise with you, then better to move on now. My ex husband was a master at having tons of female friends and he always made me feel like I was the one with the problem. So I totally understand what you are feeling right now. You were brave to make it stop so quickly. I let it go on for 10 years and he finally had an affair on me. Once that happened I ran as fast as I could and have never regretted my decision..
I hope getting the living situation figured out goes smoothly. Come and vent with us any time that's what we are here for - support and advice..
All my friends are male basically and sometimes we're really flirty but it's innocent and fun. They'd all get me a massage or drop stuff to help with my car in a NY minute. My boyfriends have never had a problem with this because they hang out with us and know there's nothing to be threatened about. .
Edited 2/28/2008 12:24 am ET by blairbear89..
I'm curious. Does she know your feelings on this issue? Have you laid out CLEAR boundaries? Did she agree to these boundaries? Did she breach the agreement?.
If you feel that if you think she's deliberately crossing boundaries, DUMP HER!. She's not respecting! If no REAL or CLEAR boundaries have been set, then you may have jumped the gun a little bit. That's why expressing to her how you feel, and making it CLEAR what you want from her, if not done already, is something to consider..
What do you think? Why do YOU think she's doing this? Has she done this before? Is she an 'attention junkie'? Validation seeker?.
Yea, I would not have had a problem with it myself if we had all hung out together before and were all friends. Question, if you meet a guy and you think that you two would end up being really good friends, at that point would the first thing you do be to make a significant effort for him to meet your boyfriend also? Because that's what I would do, and to her that's more of a chore than anything else. Is that just me being overly courteous about the way I handle female friends, or do you think that it's just something that anyone would do to make sure your relationship (thru Match.com) is not affected by your friendships?.
Btw Thank you for your advice blairbear89..
That's a really good question, and I do have to say that their were no clear boundaries with friendships before this happened...There have been some situations in our relationship when I have gotten caught holding the bag. This just happens to be one of them. Because I know what I would do to make sure my relationship (thru Match.com) is good, and when something like this happens I realize that we are not on the same page. It's the agreeing part that caused me to want to leave. Any attempt I made at setting boundaries to make it a situation where she could have friends and keep our relationship (thru Match.com) healthy, was thwarted by her stubborn notion that I was being unreasonable about the whole situation. I think she is a little bit of both, an attention junkie and a validation seeker.
I wish you guys could hear both sides of the story. I think that what I'm giving is a pretty accurate description of what happened but I'm sure that her perspective would raise some interesting questions as well...
Hi there! : ) Well, my approach on the board is I just try and share my own experience bec that's all I can draw from. I would never "tell" anyone what to do or say this way or that way is correct.. I can only say what I have done or what I would do and maybe someone can relate and hopefully it will help somehow. So please take whatever I say from this light. So the i.e. here is, just cause my own boyfriends weren't jealous, doesn't mean you didn't have a right to be, etc...
Ok, so, having said that, no, my priority is absolutely not to introduce a new guy friend to my boyfriend. Who says I have to introduce *all* my friends to him and vice verse? In my opinion, it shouldn't matter either way because it's not a big deal. I don't have to make a huge big deal of introducing you and I don't have to make a huge big deal to *not* introduce you. If there's some event, and we're all there, sure - hey, new guy friend.. meet my boyfriend.. But he's just a friend, so who cares about making a whole special introduction or whatever? If my boyfriend specifically says to me "Hey, I wanna meet this guy uve been hanging out alot with lately" then of course, no problem, id set that up.. Again, that will not be a big deal esp if itll put my boyfriend at ease, if he is just curious or whatever. I want to make sure that he knows everything is ok but at the same time I dont want to have to feel that I *have* to do anything.. excuse me, I am my own person, I will do what I want..
It's all in the approach. If my boyfriend is approaching me out of concern or curiosity, sure. But insecurity and jealousy is never attractive to me. .
Edited 2/28/2008 11:47 pm ET by blairbear89..
"if you meet a guy and you think that you two would end up being really good friends, at that point would the first thing you do be to make a significant effort for him to meet your boyfriend also?"I know this question wasn't directed towards me, but I wanted to answer anyway. I'm a woman, and yes, if I met a new guy who I thought I would be friends with, I would definitely make an effort for him to meet my boyfriend. It might not necessarily be the first thing I would do, but it would be right up there... my motive would be a combination of wanting to make sure my boyfriend didn't feel threatened and to make sure that the new guy realized he was going to remain "just a friend." For what it's worth, I think you were justified in your actions. That being said, I do have lots of male friends and I'm very close to a few of them and me remaining friends with them is non-negotiable, whether a boyfriend likes it or not. But, these are cases where the guys and I have been friends for YEARS, and they don't offer me massages or give me candy on Valentine's Day (well, technically one did, but it was from him and his wife when I didn't have a Valentine a couple of years ago... but I digress...)..
Now to me, if you've made yourself clear as to what 'boundaries' are unacceptable, and she doesn't think that they're unacceptable... that's fine. She's not respecting your boundaries and there are major TRUST and RESPECT issues going on.
This deal with these guys is just a 'symptom' of the larger issue, which seems to be trust and respect. If your girl really loves and respects you, these other guys would BE GONE in a second. IMO, she doesn't trust you as THE MAN in her life.
I know for some guys, they like to point the finger at the girl for not 'abiding' by his rules, but as a MAN, if YOU haven't gained the respect that one needs, things like this happens. I know you're not blaming HER, per se, I'm just saying that situations where the girl is not 'listening' to her man is a distinct sign that, HE DOES NOT HAVE HER RESPECT. And once it's lost, it's GONE!!! You've lost her respect, my friend. She doesn't see you as the strong man that she needs, so she's going 'outside' of the r-ship to find one. NOT HER FAULT...
I think you made a very wise choice by ending this and would be reluctant to move on. Learn from this and don't let it happen again..
I wish you all the best, Morero..
<< Now to me, if you've made yourself clear as to what 'boundaries' are unacceptable, and she doesn't think that they're unacceptable... that's fine. She's not respecting your boundaries and there are major TRUST and RESPECT issues going on. >>.
Not to hijack the OP's thread ... but, since it's related, I wanted to raise a point..
What you're saying is correct, to a degree. But, what you're really talking about here is an agreement. Not a boundary. A boundary is something you set for yourself ... and no one can 'cross' your boundary without your permission. An agreement is just that: it's something that is mutually and exclusively agreed upon by both people. .
In the OP's case, it sounds like he and his GF never made an 'agreement' ... not that he didn't try ... but, because she wasn't willing ... therefore, there was no mutual decision as to what role guy friends played in their relationship. She was just doing what she wanted to do because she wanted to, period. .
(fwiw, any counselor or therapist would agree with this idea ... so, let me explain a bit further).
Here is how a boundary is different from an agreement: You don't need the other person to agree to your boundaries. They don't even have to know what your boundaries are, unless they are crossed.
Your boundary is something, that you know, if that line is crossed, you will address the matter with the other person immediately as to give the opportunity for it be remedied ... and if it is not resolved to your satisfaction, you will act by removing yourself from the situation so that you are not subjected to it again..
Does it take awhole lot of GUTS to act by removing yourself from a situation in which someone is 'crossing your line' ... damn straight it does! Of course, we give the person a chance to fix it ... but, like I said, if it's not resolved to one's satisfaction then ... by all meana, RESPECT YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES. It simply means that you and that person are not a good fit. .
Hey I really appreciate the advice! You must have a great thing going with your boyfriend. I think the most important thing that you said was if he is approaching you out of concern or curiosity....because that lets me know that you care about his feelings. I think the big issue is not whether or not she does what I tell her to do, because I'm not her father. It's the fact that I had an area of concern with the way she handles her friendship with guys, and there was this eerie nonchalance she had when it came to my feelings. You can't make someone care, and It would have been a less than Ideal relationship (thru Match.com) if she simply yielded to my commands. Thanks again for the advice It will really make me think about the way I handle these situations in the future...
No problem! Hey, I might be calling on you for an ear or insight too so look out for me.. see you around the board, Huggies!..
Thank you for the advice, I am always open about taking advice as well as criticism. I'm glad you wrote this message because it makes me realize that there are people out there like me! It's this type of thoughtfulness that you can't make someone else give. Going the extra mile in the relationship (thru Match.com) to make sure that for one, your partner understands fully that there is no reason for you to worry about my friends. And two your friends understand fully who you are, and how much you care about your relationship. Also for what it's worth I had no fear that she would cheat on me, I trusted her. The candy and the txting, though it didn't help the situation really wouldn't have bothered me at all had I felt an inkling of concern for our relationship, or my feelings given the circumstances.
When you say you would make an effort for your new friends to meet your boyfriend it gives me hope in light of a situation that I wish could have turned out differently. Thanks again for the encouraging answer!..
<< Also for what it's worth I had no fear that she would cheat on me, I trusted her. The candy and the txting, though it didn't help the situation really wouldn't have bothered me at all had I felt an inkling of concern for our relationship, or my feelings given the circumstances. >>.
Just remember, you can only control you. She can only control her actions. And the (married) guy who gave her candy and texts her can only control him. Would it have been better if she hid those things from you? .
I think it's when people are hiding things or acting shady, in situations like this, that is when you have cause for concern on the trustiworthiness factor. So, I think you're right in that she probably wasn't cheating ... people who are cheating are not that blantantly obvious ... and they'd never attempt to put the SO and the other person in the same place..
She was the exact opposite! She texts the guy right after she texts you to come the scene of an accident. Hmmm, it's almost like she wanted to keep you in a state of being jealous ... you do realize that that's the sign of a controller's behavior, right? That gives her the feeling like she's got the upper-hand in the relationship. Its a way of trying to 'control' your emotions ... keep you off kilter ... while she gets to do whatever she wants.
So, good for you for ending it. Though, it doesn't exactly sound like a 'proper' ending for a 2-year relationship. Therefore, I wouldn't be surprised if there's some attempt by her to contact you to talk about things. .
Now, when I say this ... in no way am I defending her... just want to be clear on that ... I do think she was getting some sort of benefit from the attention she was getting from this guy. But, if this guy was a girl ... and she was texting her girlfriend after getting into a fender-bender .... would that have bothered you?.
You see, the thing is ... whether you want to admit it or not ... you felt threatened by this guy. I don't fault you for that. She wasn't exactly putting your or the relationship (thru Match.com) in a place of reassurance. However, he could be doing this, that, and the other ... and if you TRULY trust your GF, then ... there's nothing to worry about. .
The 'worry' is that she seemed to be thriving on the attention of another guy and was flippant about your concern ... that SHE didn't seem to be concerned about it. That is really the issue. I think that if people like this were to turn the tables, they'd discover that they probably woudn't be too cool with it, either. And he's married, what's up with that? How would SHE feel if you had a married female friend from work whom she wasn't allowed to meet and get to know? Probably not so good about things! Did you ever position it that way with her ... to try and get her to see things from your side of the table?.
I'm curious though, was this guy a friend BEFORE you came into the picture? ..
Here's an article from another board that may be helpful to you ... "7 Signs you should Run from your Partner":.
Read it, and ask yourself how many of those signs your GF is displaying ......
Thanks for sharing this article. It's really good!!.