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My first question is: Trying to find info on single,s web page amateur match .com?.

My next question is: I am an attractive, in-shape, 46- year old woman who has been divorced for over 10years.  I have a life, am choosy about who I date, and dont mind being alone.  Yet over the years I seem to fall over and over again for guys that are very into me at first but who lose interest usually after 3-4 months.  Most recently I dated someone for 10 months (the longest relationship (thru Ive had since being divorced 10 years ago).  I thought I had finally broken my bad luck but a couple of months ago, he started being distant and unaffectionate.  Knowing that he had a problem with depression, I initially blamed it on that but when I recently confronted him about it he had to admit that he no longer had the same feelings for me and we broke up.  Ive read just about every book there is about relationships and my theory is that I always seem to meet up with men who seem to be over previous relationships on the surface but really are on the rebound.   I make a point of not dating (online dating with men who are just coming out of other relationships but even so I always seem to get the guy whos rebounding.  Why is this?  Is it just that men always jump from relationship (thru to relationship (thru and it's practically impossible to find one that isnt rebounding?  Or am I somehow unintentionally attracting these men and, if so, how do I stop??? ..

Comments (17)

Your question was: Trying to find info on single,s web page amateur match .com?.

The 3-4 month thing is very common (actually I'd say 3-6 months).  Take everything that happens early on with a big grain of salt and don't buy into the "into you" thing early on.  Be open, but skeptical if a guy blowtorches you like that.  And take your time getting physically involved so that you have a chance to evaluate the guy more objectively to see if he's really over his ex (and to observe other red flags)at least that tends to work better for me, I lose much of my ability to be objective once I'm physically intimate with a new guy..

But as you've learned, getting past that point is no guarantee things will work out, either. .

Unless you can identify red flags that you've overlooked in each relationship, I'd say it's just (bad) luck of the drawnot every relationship (thru is going to last.

And there is the fact that in our age group, there's a limited pool of emotionally healthy men.  That's not to say they aren't out there, they are just few and far between..


Comment #1

I agee with what Sheri has said and will add this:.

<<I always seem to get the guy whos rebounding.  Why is this? >>.

The common denominator is you. Your 'picker' - the ability to discern men who are emotionally available and ready for the type of relationship (thru you want - is not set properly.  Always remember, Like attracts Like. So something in you is gravitating towards men who are not fully available.

What helps is to be 100% crystal clear on what you want and are looking for. communicate what you want and need and expect clearly in the initial stages of dating (online dating with and do NOT gloss over things that don't fit your ideal scenario.  Look back over your dating (online dating with record and make a list of things that were good and those that weren't good - also identify things that you choose to disregard to maintain the relationship. THIS is what will help you find your own weak spots. When you haven't had a good solid relationship (thru in a while, it can sometimes be easy to over look things that really don't work for us just to keep the relationship. Make sure you aren't doing this.

It also helps to keep your focus on what you want for the long term - it's fun to get swept up in the newness of a relationship (thru - but until you get past the infatuation stage which can last more than a year! - keep grounded in the fact that you aren't 'owed' a commitment simply because you've dated for X amount of time and that until he actually asks for something more committed, then you must take it one day at a time.

Men by and large do not do well with 'commitment' talks - and will naturally pull back sometimes to reassess things. Its how you handle this time that shows him how well you can handle your upsets and emotions during difficulties. Many women get clingy and begin the 'convincing' behaviors to prove how good a GF they are - this is a huge turn off for men.

<<Is it just that men always jump from relationship (thru to relationship (thru and it's practically impossible to find one that isnt rebounding?>>.

No - men don't 'always' do anything anymore than women do.  Turn up your emotional availability meter - you must also be emotionally ready for that first - when you do this you will begin filtering out those who 'look' available but really aren't..

I get a weekly newsletter from a site called - some good stuff. I also recommend the workbook called "Calling in The One" - it walks you through your stuff first - you might be sruprised at what you haven't dealt with yet that is keeping you in this pattern. Her website is here:

The answers always start with us. Somethign in you is drawn to these kinds of men and situations - when you get to teh root of that, you can change it.

Best wishes,.


Comment #2

Is it rebounding men...or is it their mental state?  For instance, you could meet someone who just broke up with a girl he has been dating (online dating with for a few months..but he's emotionally stable, has worked through whatever negative feelings came up during that romance and is ready to start again. And you could meet someone who has been broken up with someone for a year and still isnt over it.  We are all in the position of "rebounding" - technically you are in a rebound mode as look for the emotional cues that tell you that they are acting out the old stuff with you instead of getting to know you for who you are...

Comment #3

<<so look for the emotional cues that tell you that they are acting out the old stuff with you instead of getting to know you for who you are. >>.

I.E., they are emotionally available and open to a relationship..


Comment #4

Okay ladies, thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my message.  You all had very good points.  In particular, this hit the mark:.


<<do NOT gloss over things that don't fit your ideal scenario>>.


<<also identify things that you choose to disregard to maintain the relationship. When you haven't had a good solid relationship (thru in a while, it can sometimes be easy to over look things that really don't work for us just to keep the relationship.>>.


I know my blanket statement about all men jumping from relationship (thru to relationship (thru is silly but honestly in all my years of being a single woman, the only kind of men Ive ever met are ones that are in a relationship (thru or just out of relationships and looking.  It seems like taking time to heal is a concept totally alien to them..


<< keep grounded in the fact that you aren't 'owed' a commitment simply because you've dated for X amount of time>>.


Believe me, I am the last person to bring up the subject of commitment.  I am well aware of the fact that no one owes me anything..


<< Always remember, Like attracts Like.>>.


Im not sure I agree with this theory.  I once had a friend who was going with a stable, loving, caring man but dumped him for the quintessential bad boy who treated her like dirt.  If like attracts like, how is it she was able to attract two such totally different types of people?  I can think of numerous cases like this..


<<so look for the emotional cues that tell you that they are acting out the old stuff with you instead of getting to know you for who you are. >>.

<<I.E., they are emotionally available and open to a relationship.>>.

I make it clear to men that Im not looking for a casual relationship (thru but rather a long-term one.  They always agree that they are too.  So what are the biggest signs that they ARE emotionally available?.

Thank you for the websites.  Ill definitely look into them once when Im ready to get back in the game.  Ive seen and flipped thru the book Calling in the One.  Id be interested in finding out just how much success people have had using her techniques though.  The title of the book seems to indicate that there is only One person or soulmate out there for us and I dont believe that...

Comment #5

I don't think there's any way to tell whether someone is truly emotionally available other than evaluating the consistency between their words and actions over time (at least 4-6 months).  .

Of course you may be able to tell sooner that they are NOT (which is why I think it's a good idea to date using someone for at least a month or two before getting physically intimate so you can stay more objective early on), but I don't think you can tell sooner that they ARE..



Comment #6

<<Ive seen and flipped thru the book Calling in the One.  Id be interested in finding out just how much success people have had using her techniques though.  The title of the book seems to indicate that there is only One person or soulmate out there for us and I dont believe that>>.

I see this as the ONE I choose who best fits my needs and lifestyle, etc rather than just 'One' person that fits me.  Again -this workbook focuses on you and identifying and clearing out any residual beliefs, attitudes or attachments that may be blocking you from being open to good love opportunities. You may not even realize it!  When you are at your best and open to love, it walks right into your life. This is why people tend to say "I wasn't looking for it and bam!" They were open and receptive and in a place to offer the same in return..

As far as your friend's scenario - the law of attraction is a universal fact. She attracted 2 different men because of the similarities she had to each of them. This is not unusual. We all gravitate to what we are most familiar with, i.e., who or what we are like. The fact that she chose the badboy over the good guy would suggest that she felt most familiar with the kind of person he is. And there is no way anyone other than she who can know what she think she 'deserves' in her heart..

This is why I suggest that you look at what in you is attracted to men who are not fully available for a relationship. Is there somethign in you that is fearful of being fully open and intimate with another? Its just not possible for someone to attract available men if she is not 'ready' emotionally to give 100% herself. People reflect back to us what they see in us. Always. Law of attraction - learn to use it to your benefit! Micheal Losier has a great book called Law of Attraction. Easy read with helpful insight into ways you may be subconsciously keeping available men away.

Change your thoughts and you bascially change your life.


Comment #7

 "So what are the biggest signs that they ARE emotionally available?".

You have to look at their actions, not just at their words.  For instance...a guy who is really interested in getting emotionally close to you will have conversations where the two of you can learn things about each other.  If you sense that the guy cuts you off before you can reply and share then he is really more interested in hearing himself speak than getting close to you.  He may say that he wants to know what you think...but maybe only as it pertains to him and his view of himself and not about what makes you tick..

Hope that helps...

Comment #8

We're about the same age, with the difference being that I'm only coming on a year now back into dating.  But, my experiences have been different than yours.  Strangely or perhaps tellingly, I'm having some of the same issues now that I did when I was dating (online dating with in my teens early 20s.  I get that there's a difference in the men, the older ones have ex-wives or other baggage and the younger ones have ticking biological clocks and they all have a lust for the younger women ;-).  But for me, there have been a couple who I was hot for (one who I got off Match) but who, after a few dates, just disappeared; there have been a couple who were oh-so-hot for me but I had no interest; and there has been one who I connected with early on and have re-connected with and who is going to be around for awhile.  The thing is, I recognized him when we first met.  This is exactly, exactly, how it went in my 20s.  The point is, perhaps there is something about how I'm handling these dates that would make my experiences similar to my early 20s and yet different than yours.  Stated another way, maybe there is something about how your handling your relationships that is creating the pattern. .

I'm just guessing here, but maybe it's because you're being too tolerant?  I know you're picky as to who you are dating.  But are you being too tolerant as to your interest, or lack of interest?  The ones who were interested in me that I wasn't really into, they could have turned into a 3 - 4 month stint but I stopped it before it got to that point.  If you're allowing the guy's interest to rule, then there you are, in a pattern, and at the same time missing one who have worked.  .

So my suggestion is that if you don't feel that in-your-gut connection in those first couple of dates, then stop dating him then & there, before you get to a 4 month now-his-interest-has-waned point.  Also, look closer to home for the ones that are friends or at least acquaintances, I think it will be more real from the get-go.  Finally, and most importantly, stay open and available and ready to be interested..

Good luck!.



Comment #9

It definitely seems like something in you is afraid of being with a man who is emotionally available for a relationship. In relationships we are working out childhood patterns - i.e: who in your life was hot and cold, leaving you jumping thru hoops for love?.


The more aware you become of your patterns the less you will be ruled for them.


Comment #10

I think you've just had a string of bad luck.We can help ourselves or hurt ourselves with the choices we make, but it's just hard finding the right person at the right time. Someone who seemed very interested in you in the beginning may just not be ready to make a commitment to you later on. Another may not be right for you.It's even hard to find friends to spend time with.I've heard people say that we make our own luck, but sometimes it is just luck.When I was dating (online dating with it was bewildering at times. For me when things did not work out, we discovered as we went along that we wanted different things. In a few cases I figured that out before a relationship (thru developed.There are so many factors to deal with as we grow older. For everything to fall into place, it takes a little luck, I think.

The interesting thing is, the healthier you become, the smaller your pool becomes, not to say that you should stop striving to be healthier if that's what you want to do.That's my two cents. Let us know if the book works out for ya!A~..

Comment #11

Toni hit the nail on the head with the "like attracts like". It took me YEARS to figure this out. The great thing about it is I am not blaming the men anymore for their flakiness...I attracted them into my life..the answers have always been right inside me (like Dorothy having the red slippers on her feet!). I did have to look at my patterns over the years and type of men I chose.

There is alcololism in my family of origin, so, a majority of the men I was attracted to were addicts. Active (and some inactive) are by nature, emotionally unvavailable. It is what I grew up with. I realized though, that not all of them were addicts, but all of them were either coming out of relationship (thru or will still attached to an old relationship (thru in some way. Again, someone who is unable to committ, emotinally unavailable and had intimacy issues. I have had to look DIRECTLY at myself and have realized I have the committment and intimacy issues..

I feel free and am confident I am moving forward towards really wanting the long haul and the committment. I had to get to the bottom of it first.

I also agree with Sherry that it's a good idea IMO, to wait on the physical stuff for a while. Its such a personal thing, so intimate to be sharing your body with someone...I like to get to know them first..

Also, I believe someone mentioned "actions speak louder than words". BIG one to look at. Great quote from Emerson on that: "What you DO speaks so loudly, I can't hear what you are saying"..

Go within, there's unresolved stuff in there that you may need to look at.

Prayers and positive thoughts,.



Comment #12

How can I stay away from my pattern of men??? I notice that most guys I dated, they are ok looking, BUT they really know how to talk and get their ways. I'm at the age that I don't want to jumo from relationship (thru to relationship (thru or looking for one anymore. I'm not saying that I'm going to marry the next one I date. I want to date better guys... I don't like my pattern choices...any suggestions??? ..

Comment #13

Hon, if the quality of men you meeting isn't what you'd like, then the obvious answer is to look at what you want. It is impossible to 'get' what you want unless you are crystal clear on what it is.  Take some time to write out in detail what your ideal partner would generally look like, what he likes, what qualities he possesses, etc. Keep it focused in the positive as in 'He is' or 'He has' stay away from negatives such as "he won't' or 'he isn't'. Once you know what you want, then really look at what kind of relationship (thru you want and are willing to give 100% of yourself to..

Most women don't bother to do this and as a result they bounce around from man to man always finding something missing - but not knowing clearly what it is. Unless you KNOW where your destination is, how can you possibly know when you get there?.

As I said earlier - like attracts like. If the men you date using who aren't emotionally available 'really know how to talk and get their ways.'  then that says that YOU are letting them talk you into what they are offering. HOn, no one can sell you anything you aren't willing to buy!  If you are clear on what you want in a partner and relationship (thru and communicating it effectively, then unavailable men wouldn't be 'getting their way' because you wouldn't be 'alike'..

Try the 'Calling in the One' workbook. Isn't a good solid loving relationship (thru worth that little investment? Isn't getting what you want worth doing something different for?.



Comment #14

Thank you, Toni. I need standards and I need to elimate the ones that doesn't meet up to me. Sometimes, I feel that I lower my standards just to have them around. I know now that's jus a fling and doesn't last...

Comment #15

Consider it this way:.

Say you find a coat at Goodwill that is 100% Cashere, classic in styling and has a big designer label.  It has a tear that's been repaired in the liner but otherwise is in excellent shape. Because it's at Goodwill, the price put on it is $20 - along with other coats that are not nearly as nice or good in quality.

YOu buy this coat - it's a great bargain at $20. It could last you for years because of it's quality and styling. However, because you only paid $20 for it, you are careless with it, it gets stained and you don't clean it properly, it gets another tear that you don't repair and it ultimately grows large in size. YOu end up tossing it back in the Good will bag after a year - after all you only paid $20 for it right? In fact you have a denim jacket that you paid twice as much for that you take better care of because it's the latest trend. Hmmm..

How others treat us is based on perceived value. The cost is irrelevant - it's the same coat - but the value placed upon it determines how the wearer takes care of it.

Are you cashmere or are you cotton?  .



Comment #16

You also have to truly know the signs that a man is into you, and try to evaluate how often you are actually the one doing the pursuing. In the first few weeks and months, a guy will often act really "into you", but that's because you're a new sexual conquest. The key to look for is how often does he come over or suggest things to do together that WON'T lead to sex.

Look at your past relationships and evaluate them honestly. When it came to out of bedroom time, were you the one really making most of the plans? Did he show up when you were sick? Did he make a real effort to know your friends and family? Does he do little things for you, like change your oil, check your tires - things that show he's cares about your well-being?.

I am 44, and it took me a long time to recognize when a man is available, so don't feel bad. It's easy to get confused when they flatter and seduce. But when you do find a man who is available, you will immediately recognize the difference. He's there for you, rain or shine, not just when it fulfills his needs...

Comment #17

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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