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This may be bold, but I can only ask, right? Could I get someone to setup me a website like match.co

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My first question is: This may be bold, but I can only ask, right? Could I get someone to setup me a website like match.co.

My next question is: I'll start by apologizing for the length of this email..

I started dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy about 2 1/2 to 3 months ago (the first few weeks were via email). I was reluctant to date using Match.com him because a) he's separated (divorce pending in Jan/Feb, or so I'm told) and 2) he has 3 children. I told him upfront that I didn't think I could or should date using Match.com him. He convinced me that it wouldn't be a problem. I went out with him mainly because I didn't really think anything would come of it and was greatly surprised to find myself extremely attracted to him (even though he has never been my type in the past). The relationship (thru Match.com) aspect started out pretty heavy - though I didn't break the cardinal rule by having sex with him on the first date using Match.com (although he was all over me - as well as several other times we went out).

I don't know what came over me. All I can say is that different people bring out different things in you - I already do and say things with him that I NEVER would have done or said with my ex - and I think that is what is making me so attracted to him..

Anyway, one of the things I most liked about him was how free he was with his feelings - he told me he "loved" me very shortly after we started dating (online dating with Match.com) - which I took as a red flag. I thought no one could be in "love" that quickly. But he was so sweet and generous. I found myself returning the sweetness (and being "generous" in my own way) by getting him and his daughters little gifts - not expensive, mind you, just the "thought" sort of thing - which is also not really in my nature, but I wanted to be sweet, I wanted to do things differently and in what I thought was a more "correct" and mature fashion. I realize now that I shouldn't have done the gifts as 1) the gifts and thought were not reciprocated (although he would tell me how sweet I was and that I "didn't have to") and 2) I just wanted to be nice. Again, I thought nothing of it (he did fix my car - to the tune of $1400 - after only knowing me a few weeks - I will say it was my birthday and he gave it to me as a birthday gift, it was not just out of the blue.) But, again, we had only been dating (online dating with Match.com) a few weeks - and I didn't give in easily in those weeks..

We started spending a lot of time together - though I would get somewhat resentful when he had to leave to spend time with his kids. I didn't resent the kids, but I felt like he had not been honest when he said that the kids would "not be a problem." I found myself wanting to have weekends with him (though I would have even been happy with just a weekend here and there. But now the "not going to be a problem" kids were becoming a problem. He - I found out - seemed to be a bit too easy going with the wife, never bad mouthing her, and on ocassion, sounding almost complimentary (he would often say what a "great" mother she was). I told him it sounded as though he still had feelings. He claimed up and down that it was absolutely over and that she was "frigid" and he wanted nothing to do with her.

Though I don't know why he never really bad-mouthed her. He tells me it's the kids, that he will do whatever he has to to make sure they are all right. I will admit, he is a really good dad..

But he is where the problem begins ....

I feel like I am always going to be second fiddle or sort of on the sidelines if I remain with him. I even told him today that it seemed like I only had two options: stay with him or leave. We have been having a few "issues" about it (not outright fights). Now I feel like I'm becoming a b**ch and I hate the feeling. He says it will only be a few more months before the divorce is final and his visitation is finalized. I hung in (and still am as I write this) but I feel there has been a shift the past few weeks.

The past week, I feel like he has either begun to play games - or his interest has waned. Tonight, for example, even though he asked me for dinner, I didn't hear from him for 6 hours (he finally called at 6 pm). I will say that we had had a somewhat emotional call early that day about the wife and her demands and I came down on him a bit, but I feel like he is being so easy on her while she is demanding the moon. He says he wants a "future" with me, but I feel like he is doing nothing about the situation with her. He said only a week or so ago that "anything I wanted, he would give me" - and that if he had to take a weekend off to accomplish that, he would do it.

And the past few days have seemed like a game - either that or he has lost or is losing interest. By no means do I want to become a "nag" but this is my life, too. I don't want to sit around. Last night he said he needed to get some work and bills done - which surprised me a bit as he had - up to that point - sort of put things aside to be with me (and last week we weren't together that much as he had a work issue that took him out of town). He had the appraisal for his house (the one he shared with his wife) and he wanted to look it over.

I could tell he didn't want to do dinner, though he said nothing. But his tone said it all. So I was forced to "play the game" (which I HATE doing) and ask him for a "rain check". It hurt that he seemed completely unphased. He did talk to me - about books - for the next 40 minutes, and seemed a bit perturbed when I was going to "let him go back to his newspaper" two minutes after we got on the phone.

So I basically repeated - not verbatim, of course - what he told me the night before, that I had "some things to do." Again, he seemed relatively unphased. This type of BS is too difficult for me. I'm not a game player. I say what I'm thinking, but I want to be careful about using the break up option. I did "let him go" a week and a half ago and it was really horrible.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated..

Thanks...

Comments (9)

Your question was: This may be bold, but I can only ask, right? Could I get someone to setup me a website like match.co.

There's a couple of things I see going on here: 1) he is going through a divorce and he really isnt emotionally available or available in any way for you to date using Match.com and get attached to him - so you are bound to come into contact with some behavior or emotions from him that are not consistent or warm and inviting...2)you will always come second to his children..

It appears that you need more from him than he can or will provide right now so..why not date using Match.com a guy who doesnt have kids?.

To him or another parent the way he may arrange things with the kids may truly "not be a problem" but to a woman who does not have kids...it could very well be a problem..

Why is it a problem that you didnt hear from him for over 6 hours?  Men always start to lessen the attention and focus as a relationship (thru Match.com) progresses. It is not game playing..it is just men being men unfortunately for us.  But as it gets closer to the divorce becoming final he is not going to want to do anything to screw up any custody settlements or rights so you may have to take a step back for a short time. But...if he is mature he should discuss this with you rationally..

I see that you are resorting to game playing tactics and game playing doesnt build relationships..it can tear them apart and sometimes there is no fixing things once too much has happened.  I have had to deal with some emotional processing because of what a guy did to me over the last couple of months and because he betrayed me in a few different ways...there is no "fixing" what he did to me. Some people gamble with another's heart and game playing is gambling in way.  He thinks he can fix things with me. He cannot - he's done too much and it is all over the place - he surrounded me with b.s. to contend with now and in the future. He needs another backstabbing, game playing, heartless person to bond with. I hope he does find someone to fall in love with very soon so he doesnt waste anymore time being obsessed with me and playing immature games in an attempt to get my attention or make me nuts or insecure.  I dont respond to those tactics.  I need someone who is more my speed and would be there if someone they allege to love was hurting and would go out of his way to hurt me on top of it.  Chances are the guy you are dating (online dating with Match.com) wont respond either.  You'll just make him want to leave you...

Comment #1

Thank you for your advice. I don't want to play games. I hate it. But then I open up and I think I say and give away *too* much. I did that yesterday morning, getting upset when he was telling me the "wife" wanted more money to pay the nanny. I raised my child ALONE with no one's help and a measly $50 a week from his dad - who disappeared (to raise his NEW family) when my son was 11, so I can't stand hearing about this b**ch and her "nanny" and her 3 acres of property and 6 bedroom house that she should be grateful to have while I'm scraping by - and may even lose my house to foreclosure if I can't figure out how to refinance by April..

But I told him what I thought and got a bit pissed at him for "jumping" through her hoops. I'm sure he didn't appreciate it, which is why 6 hours past before he called again (and why he didn't seem interested in having dinner). Yes, I was the one who told him I'd take a "rain check" but it was only because he came across as COMPLETELY disinterested in having dinner. He even asked if I wanted him to come over - but (also) very much with a tone that said he really didn't want to come. All that hurt. This was a guy who was all over me - we only started going out 2 1/2 months ago.

And as I write this, he still hasn't called - when we usually speak around 10:00 to 10:30 and it is now almost 11:30, so I feel he's playing games, or has just lost interest - and if it is the latter then I want to know. I'd rather not date using Match.com than play games. I'm absolutely no good at them. That is why I stopped working in an office and starting working at home. I don't like office BS and I don't like dating (online dating with Match.com) BS, but now I'm afraid I've "given too much away" and that he knows I care and so he feels he can back away. I don't know, but it is already making me down - and my last 5 year relationship (thru Match.com) (which basically broke up over the course of the last year) had me feeling sick and unhappy all the time..

????..

Comment #2

Oh, my apologies - I wasnt aware that you had a child.  Well, then you do know from where you speak..

Why not just ask him to be straight with you?  If he sounds disinterested and wont tell you that anything is wrong...then ditch him.  It seems that you wouldnt be happy with what he would contribute to the relationship (thru Match.com) anyway.  If the shoe doesnt fit...then dont wear it...

Comment #3

Yes, I have one son who I had at a *very* early age and raised him alone, so when I hear about his wife, I get angry. I guess I am too invested in it. My mother told me to take it slow, but he and I had such chemistry and I really like spending time with him. It just seems like it went downhill as quickly as it shot uphill. I hate to let him go, but I don't know if I have a choice. As much as I'd like to be a girl who didn't care if she got put to the side every weekend while he attended this or that event for his kids, I'm not.



And, as an update, it is nearly 3pm and I still haven't heard from him. Yes, I know I could call him - (if I even hear from him again, he'll probably say that I said I'd "talk to him tomorrow", and is taking it that *I* should then be the one calling *him*). But he's the one who calls, since he's the one who works in an office, so that is how I know he is playing a game...

Comment #4

>>He - I found out - seemed to be a bit too easy going with the wife, never bad mouthing her, and on ocassion, sounding almost complimentary (he would often say what a "great" mother she was). I told him it sounded as though he still had feelings. He claimed up and down that it was absolutely over and that she was "frigid" and he wanted nothing to do with her. I believed him, and still do. Though I don't know why he never really bad-mouthed her.<<.

This is a GOOD thing. Trust me - if you meet a man who badmouths his ex, especially if the ex is the mother of his children, run and run fast. That is not a good sign; men who badmouth the ex are either doing it to make the new GF feel good or are plain hostile towards the ex. There are many divorced couples out there who can get along well for the sake of the children, but just cannot do well in a relationship..

You might be interested in getting some responses from the ladies on this board:.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstepmother.

As for the dating, why not back off until he is legally and emotionally free? You might be putting yourself in a position to be hurt..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #5

Reading what you have to say, there are a few similarities that had gone on in my present relationship. He seems like he is going through a lot right now. Things are probably new to him and I'm sure he is very stressed and probably a little confused and heartbroken. He probably isn't going to come outright and say how he feels but I think you have an idea of what's going on. I think what may be going on is that he is being pulled in many directions. His ex wife is "nagging" at him about bills (he is probably already stressing over his finances and he doesn't want to not take care of his kids in his mind) and then you are telling him what he should do and getting emotional (he probably feels like he already has a lot of stress on him and probably just needs you to just listen to him).

We as women always want to talk about things and get everything out on the table whereas men tend to keep that stuff inside. Sometimes they just need time to sort things out in their head (you know they think a little slower than women do ;-) jk). Basically my best advice is to give him time. Take your life back and find things that make you happy and distract you. He will either come around or he won't.

If you find someone else along the way, than so be it..

In my situation, he was going through a lot. Not a divorce but other things all at once. I got sooo mad because I felt like I was becoming second to everything. What I did was keep nagging him about why he wasn't doing this or that. Then I was trying to tell him how to handle his daughter and her mom (she's one of those needy b****es too who seems to never have money yet he pays for EVERYTHING for his daughter). Basically digging myself in a hole and making things worse.

I also wrote him a long email about where I was coming from and what I probably should have done differently. Yet letting him know that I was justified in what I was feeling and saying. He finally came around and apologized to me and explained how he was feeling during that time and his perspective. Now I guess I realize it's better to give them space and just be there to talk to (but also standing up for yourself in the relationship). You knew what you were getting into with his divorce not being finalized and stuff. I also knew what I was getting myself into.

I just had to learn how to handle the situation.

Good luck..

Comment #6

You are a very imature selfish person. kids come first and you feeling resentful BAD!  you went againt your beliefs and thats your own fault. Grow up...

Comment #7

Excuse me?  I think you meant this for the original poster and not me...

Comment #8

Alright then, if this relationship (thru Match.com) is toxic in any way or brings about unhappy or unhealthy feelings then it is wise to let go whether you are invested or not.  Just because you are invested doesnt mean that you cant see the writing on the wall and then exit.  If he is playing games then the best defense is a good offense - dont permit yourself to be put in a position to be affected - dump him...

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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