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The other woman

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My friend has been seeing a guy with a girlfriend. Him and the girlfriend have a long distance thing. They see each other 2 weeks at a time, three times a year and talk on the phone only every now and then. I have seen my friend and the guy together and I think he is in love with her but he says he's having a hard time breaking it off with the other girl because he has been with her a long time and he's afraid she might hurt herself (she has a history of this). I told my friend she needs to stop seeing him, was this wrong? I just don't think he will ever have the guts to break up with the girlfriend. Why be the second girl? She deserves better than that.

It is sad because these two are in love, I can tell. But I think she needs to stop seeing him or she will only get hurt more the deeper she goes into it. I think she's already taking my advice because she's trying to come up with any reason to blow him off like he didn't call her today or something like that LOL Anyway, what do you guys think?..

Comments (15)

Your question was: The other woman.

I think you gave the right advice. He is cheating on his gf with your friend. If he did break it off with his gf, what makes her think that he will not cheat on her?..

Comment #1

Well, I'm not so much concerned about the cheating part because it's not been long and I can tell he really loves my friend. And to me, girlfriend is not married. You meet other people, that happens! BUT I just don't think he has the guts to break it off with the girl even though he doesn't like her anymore. And I think that's LAME. And even though he is great, he is not great enough to break it off and she deserves better. It's just that I am sympathizing a little bit because I don't know what I would do if I wanted to break it off with a guy but I was afraid he might hurt himself if I did, you know? That is a really tough position to be in. But at the same time, I want the best for my friend...

Comment #2

If they are just dating (online dating with Match.com) then no it is not cheating, but if he is in a "supposedly" exclusive relationship (thru Match.com) with the other girl then it is cheating... married or not. That could be an excuse to have his cake and eat it too, you only know his side of things not hers. Regardless if he breaks it off with the other girl or not, your friend is responsible only for herself, not what he does or does not do. If he can't/won't give her what she wants in the relationship (thru Match.com) she need to find someone who can. She needs to decide what she needs to be happy and go from there...

Comment #3

It is always BEST to take care of business in one situation before starting something else - otherwise, you spread yourself so thin, that everyone suffers. Inn addition, if he is afraid to break up with her because she 'might' hurt herself - then he is allowing himself to be held hostage. A person will do what they do - NOT because of what anyone else does or doesn't do - but because THEY make the choice to do it.. If she truly wants to hurt herself she will - whther he is there or not. As it is - people like her just have to 'threaten' to do something, and the enabling co-dependents in their lives take it. He isnt responsible for her at all.He needs t man up and do the right things, for himself and each of these women - otherwise, he is allowing women to dictate what he does.

Her family has far more responsibility for her than he does. if he can't or won't - your friend is in for a HUGE world of hurt - because if she continues the relationship, she too will be allowing herself to be held hostage by an emotionally unbalanced person that neither are responsible for. that is a sad sad life to choose..

Toni..

Comment #4

I totally agree that he's being held hostage. I think he feels stuck. It is definitely the whole dependency thing you mentioned. Like, you get used to a pattern so it's hard to get out of. He's been on and off with her for four years and I was like, how long have you been thinking of breaking it off? I thought he was going to say half a year or a few months.. he said 2 years! I was like, dude! My friend is a smart girl.

I think she plans on just not taking his calls though, which is going to break his heart honestly. The whole thing is sad. I think it would be solved if he just dropped that girl, but I don't think he has the guts to do it. Like I said, LAME...

Comment #5

Well - I'd say he is a fool for sacrificing his life in this manner but none of us knows his true story. At any rate - some people prefer the 'comfort' of something - even if it's awful to bear.As for your friend - I'm sorry - she is not handling this well either. Show some kindness and courtesy - tell the man that she will not see him as long as he remains in another relationship (thru Match.com) for ANY reason. THAT is doing the right thing on her part. Who knows - it might be the encouragement he needs to do what HE needs to do. Both of them are taking the easy way out and not doing right.



Toni..

Comment #6

I agree with tonitoons, we don't know the entire story. Maybe his long distance girl is fragile, but what does that say about him, allowing himself to be held hostage like that? Maybe he is exaggerating about the frailty of this girl so that he does not have to become exclusive with someone. Men do exaggerate you know, it is not just women. It can take men years to break up with someone. Sometimes they drag it out hoping that the girl finds someone else because they don't want confrontation...

Comment #7

Thanks, you're both right. But he is for real, I've seen it for myself first hand. His girlfriend is pretty much obsessed with him. Even her e-mail account she created, her address uses *his* last name and of course they're not even engaged. Her issues stem from family stuff too, etc. This is what I was talking about in another post when you make a partner the number 1 thing in your life.

But in any case, yah, whatever, it all sucks. I'm definitely going to tell my friend she should talk to him and just tell him straight out that they're done instead of avoiding his calls. Like you said, people like the easy way out. She's just hoping he'll stop calling LOL Maybe he will, who knows? Guys are crap!..

Comment #8

<<Guys are crap!>>'Men' are NOT crap any more than 'women' are bithces. I hate these kinds of generlizations - it places blame on someone else for our own shortcomings. People are people and what they do has less to do with gender than with their emotional maturity. Negative thinking draws exactly more of that to you. If you think 'guys' are crap - then you will have 'crappy' guys in your life. I personally know some VERY good men.

Its fairly even among the sexes..

Toni..

Comment #9

I agree with toni...you can't lump all men together, or women either.We are treated the way WE let them treat us...

Comment #10

"she has a history of hurting herself" - well there you go...if she is that attached and is that frail and he is enabling that, you are right to advise your friend to break up with him.Some people see dating (online dating with Match.com) as entering a battlefield or a business deal, complete with the one-up-manship and making sure "they get theirs" instead of an opportunity for something great to happen to themselves. Once the games begin with someone, then you know they are really not interested in giving or receiving love or enhancing their life by knowing another...they are just interested in receiving, not giving, and getting through it with the least amount of effort on their parts...that's not dating...that's something else...

Comment #11

You are all right, well-said and thanks! Yah, women can be just as crappy as men, I agree. SO... UPDATE! The guy plays soccer with my boyfriend and our other friends and we're going to watch them play in an hour. My friend says she's going to break it off with him after the game, woot woo! So I will let you know what happened.....

Comment #12

I don't have a problem with halle venting her frustrations about men. It is okay to vent and say things if one needs to vent. She is free to express as far as I am concerned. While the onus is on us to ensure a good life for ourselves by making adequate choices, sometimes people do trick and con and hurt and take advantage and you can really not see it coming. If one is victimized one should not be held accountable for the unforeseen - and if anyone thinks they are too cool or too smart to not get hit this way, boy, are they in for a rude awakening one day. You can project all the "good" in the world and still get handed "crap" - the statement about people getting treated the way we let ourselves get treated is correct, but initially one may get treated poorly regardless of what they project or think or feel.

And it is not about karma, it is about societal shifts and how people are basically thinking just for themselves, but not in a healthy good way, only self destructive...

Comment #13

Wow, well-said again! I'm so happy to have found this forum with such intelligent women = ) Love y'alls! Ok, so I'm off to the game! You don't know how happy I was to hear from her that she was going to do this! She deserves better...

Comment #14

UPDATE: So after the game, we went off on our own and this morning my friend called me.So she started off telling me everything she said to him. That she really liked him, etc but that it wasn't going to work because of x-y-z. She said maybe she (my friend) wasn't even "the one" for him, but he should be free from the girlfriend to find that person and that she just wanted him to be happy. Wow, I was so impressed that she was able to get all of that out! I was like, girl, how'd you do that? She said at first it was so hard but then once she started it got easier and it all came out. I'm so proud of her! Well, so we were all wrong! And it looks like Ryan is better than we thought he was... because after he let her talk and let all of that out? He told her he broke up with his girlfriend. So there are happy endings after all..

Comment #15


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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