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Tearful and lost

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We've been dating (online dating with Match.com) and living together for almost 3 years. He's 29 and I'm 30. Neither of us has ever been married or has any children. After all this time, he does not want to be married. I want this very much. He's never been able to give a reason why he isn't ready - he claims I'm the love of his life and he's blessed to know me.

It's the best relationship (thru Match.com) I've ever known - the greatest love I ever could have imagined. But I feel like I need more. How long do I wait? I feel like I need to love myself enough to move on. But what if it's the greatest mistake of my life? Maybe I should give it more time. I'm not getting any younger and I'm very aware of the difficulties of finding someone compatible to share a life with - we've had everything..

Comments (4)

Your question was: Tearful and lost.

Mystifyme007,.

    After all this time, he does not want to be married. I want this very much. He's never been able to give a reason why he isn't ready -.

Did you talk about marriage before you stayed with this man for "almost" 3 years?.

  I think that you should  move on. You want marriage and he has told you he doesn'tMaybe he will eventually want to get married but , do you want to stay around 3 more years wondering if his mind is ever going to change?..

Comment #1

I can see why you are tearful and lost. Is it that he is not ready or is it that he doesn't want to marry at all? If you havent seen any movement from him going in the direction you want your life to go (within the time frame you alloted for yourself) then you had to be true to yourself. If you are quite sure that you will not be happy in life unless you are married and share this same long term goal as your SO, then you did the right thing by breaking up with him.When I was dating (online dating with Match.com) my first husband I mentioned to him once that I wasn't going to keep dating (online dating with Match.com) after about 4 to 5 years without it moving towards marriage. I knew that I wanted to be married. I knew I wanted to marry him. I didn't make a big deal about it but I let him know what my plans were for my life and if it coincided with his plans, then great.

I think we had 2 conversations about it during the time we were dating.I have been married twice (and now divorced twice) and marriage was not what I thought it would be. Do you want marriage because you feel it will provide a deeper commitment or love? Or is it because you want children? I have seen good marriages and I have seen bad marriages. I have seen good relationships turn bad after marrying because marriage changes the dynamics of a relationship (thru Match.com) in a very subconscious way. It also changes the expectations that each spouse has of the other. At this point in my life I would prefer to just date using Match.com or live with someone because I feel that a relationship (thru Match.com) stands a better chance of staying a loving relationship (thru Match.com) without marriage.

During both marriages I had severe GI problems that mysteriously went away when the husbands went away. Right now I am going through a horrible experience, yet, I have no GI distress. The b.s. they put me through went right to my gut.I am not trying to discourage you from marriage at all because for it works for some people. I dont think it will be the greatest mistake of your life because you seem very sure about what you want out of life.

There has to be a logical explanation. Is he waiting for his career to take off or does he have a bad taste in his mouth about marriage because of what his friends say about it or what he witnessed at home? If you give him more time, then there still has to be movement on his part by addressing (and dealing with) what it is about marriage that is a turn off at this point in his life. He can do that with you or in therapy, but a vague "not ready" doesnt suffice..

Edited 6/27/2007 2:39 am ET by snafu2006..

Comment #2

Thank you so much, snafu. You've summarized my thoughts and feelings beautifully. He and I have talked repeatedly about marriage prior to getting to this point. I told him within the first few months that I was NOT looking to merely date using Match.com someone long term, meaning 2 or 3 years. He always gave me the impression that this wasn't a problem. So I waited...I did find myself becoming resentful and destructive in our relationship (thru Match.com) for the past few weeks.

But I don't think I am.He's just such a wonderful man in every other way. Respectful, gracious, selfless, giving EXCEPT when it comes to being engaged. No one can believe that he refuses to make more of a committment. I don't get it and probably never will.....

Comment #3

I cant understand why he hasn't given you something in so far as an example of what it is that he finds unappealing about being married. He knew going into your relationship (thru Match.com) that you wanted to be married...and he gave you the impression that it wasn't a problem? Did he say that he was interested in marriage at that time? Well, if he cant even put into words what his issues are about marriage, then you did do the right thing by breaking up. The reason I say that is that it could take decades for him to figure out what his problem is about marriage...

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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