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Taking him back after his cyber-affair?

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'm so confused... My boyfriend is 25 and I'm 23, we've been together for almost a year, and very much in love, seeing each other most days a week. We don't live together, but as my job just relocated, he was going to also relocate with me in Winter.Last week I found out he had been having a 'cyber affair' with an Italian girl who used to live with him a few years ago. She's only 19.To cut a long story short, I was always suspicious about how much they'd chat online and email, but he assured me he was just being polite by keeping in touch, and that she knew he had a girlfriend.Anyway, I snooped, and discovered he'd been keeping conversations frmo IM with her. I read 6, and there were about 10 in total. I was horrified, and haven't stopped throwing up since.

It had been going on for 9 months.I could go on but it hurts too much. Since I found out, naturally, he has not stopped begging me to give him a chance. He sends me SMS or emails about 30 times a day, saying "Please give me a chance, I know I messed up badly, but I'm lost without you....my head, heart, body all ache for you...I would do anything to make this right, I'm so sorry....please talk to me.. I want my future to be with you.." ETC ETC ETC.I have screamed, cried, slapped him, had a day off sick from work, but now just feel sad and lonely. I actually miss him.

Now, please note that my b.f is the LEAST likely person one could ever imagine doing this. He is very polite, shy, caring, family orientated and hardworking, and was cheated on himself a few years ago. He hasn't had a lot of girlfriends or experiences at all, and the last girl who betrayed him caused him to react very badly (I heard he had a lot of time off work, etc). His father also left his mother when he was 16 after a two year affair, and he has no siblings to talk to.He is now pouring his heart out, and keeps calling me up in tears. He says he can't give up on me (even though I told him it's over).

But that makes me feel awful, like I wasn't doing my 'job' properly!! I am attractive, good career, high sex drive, I dress nicely for him, took him places, taught him things...etc... I could understand if I had neglected/ suffocated him in some way. Yet I thought we were perfect.All my girlfriends and colleagues are telling me to 'forget this weirdo loser' and move on/ that I deserve so much better. I probably do, but for some reason, I really, really love him. Even my best friend who is normally so diplomatic and calm, scoffs at his pleas for mercy.i really want to believe him though.

I am so angry and hurt, but at the same time,you can't take love away overnight. However, my friends and colleagues are feeling very strongly about the matter and would be horrified if they knew I was weakening.What are your thoughts?..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Taking him back after his cyber-affair?.

I totally agree that it was indeed a very horrifying and shocking news for you when you realised this cyber affair. Especially you have described him normally was a shy, good person. However, there are always exception for what we thought about a good guy. They do things that really shock you to death. I do understand very much you might still have strong feeling to him. However, from my personal experience, even when I got back to my-ex after his affairs, I lost a sense of security with him.

And the consequence is though I knew that I love him very much, I don't trust him and it was hard for me to commit in this relationship (thru Match.com) again. And it is not just that relationship, it does has a quite huge impact on the next relationship. Hard to trust people even they look very nice and absolutely fit in every description of a nice chap.Just something to share with you!..

Comment #1

Unless he addresses and changes the underlying morals and values that made him think it was ok to do this because he was "insecure" (which would take lots of hard work and most likely require the help of a counselor), then there's a huge likelihood this type of thing (or worse) will happen again.He had a choice: he could have talked to you, he could have gone to therapy to address his insecurities, any number of things. But instead, he chose to cheat. Is that really the type of man you want to be with?Sheri..

Comment #2

Hi pippa27,.

Most couple's cannot overcome betrayal on their own. If he's got self-esteem issues, he needs to work on them by himself.  He did what he wanted to do because he wanted to do it.  He can 'justify' it by saying he was insecure, but planning a trip to Italy is not something you take on lightly, in my opinion.  It's fun to flirt and he LOVED her attention.  So now that he's been 'caught' his self-esteem can't take the blow that you are willing to walk away. So my question would be, does he want to hang on to you out saving himself from being alone?.

At 25, he's still trying to figure out who he is.  IF the two of you were married, I'd strongly recommend counseling.  Do you see this relationship (thru Match.com) as a long-term thing or just for 'now'?.

You might want to check out Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs  here at iVillage for some additional input..

Good luck with your decision..

Carrie..

Comment #3

He obviously has a lot of issues and insecurities, you did not cause them.  But that you believed things were perfect and saw no cracks in the veneer - perhaps you wanted to believe in perfection..

 .

I am not saying yes take him back, say all is forgiven but might the two of you try a few sessions of couples therapy?.

,..

Comment #4

I know that people do flirt when they are insecure, even if they have a SO because they need that constant affirmation that they are desirable. However, he chose to proposition this girl which goes beyond flirting.I know that you feel love in your heart, but have you honestly thought through what life would be like if you two reconciled? Some people can try to trust again, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you cannot bring it back to *good*. I know I would always be silently checking up on him, making note of anything irregular about his behavior or attire or odd hours at work, unusual smells, etc. That is a lot of stress and is not conducive to a happy life. So while you want him back, try to visualize what life would be like if you took him back. It cant be 100% the same ever again...so do you want it at all?..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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