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Sweating him!

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I've recently begun dating (online dating with Match.com) my tennis instructor. I took a few lessons with him last summer and we hit it off, had a mild flirtation, but kept it at that, as I was involved with someone else, and our rapport was just friendly overall. I've taken another two lessons this month, and now that my relationship (thru Match.com) has ended and I am single, the flirtation was back and we wound up deciding to go out for a drink. (By the way, I am not taking any more lessons with him, that I'd decided before anything happened, so no conflict of interest or seeing him other than any dates we go on). He's nice, he's fun, and it's easy and unstressful since we know each other. We went out last Thursday and had a great time, and again this past Sunday.

He knows I'm busy Saturday, so I assume Friday would make the most sense to get together. So, now it is Wednesday and I have not heard from him and am starting to sweat him a little. I think he's into me on Sunday he joked about his roomies asking when they got to meet me, etc. but I am not entirely sure. And now that I haven't heard from him when he said he'd call, I'm doubting it more..

Comments (20)

Your question was: Sweating him!.

<<I think he's into me on Sunday he joked about his roomies asking when they got to meet me, etc. but I am not entirely sure. And now that I haven't heard from him when he said he'd call, I'm doubting it more. Am I just getting all wound up about this for nothing? Should I just sit tight and see if he phones tonight? If I don't hear from him tonight or Thursday, do I take the hint that he's not into it or do I give him a call at that point (say Thursday) and see what's up? This is so middle school but I don't know what to do!>>You didn't say your ages but if he is living with roommates I'd say still young. Younger guys will sometimes back off if they get too much ribbing from their buddies - it's immature but it happens. people do what they do.

And yes, you are getting too wound up over it - you don't have a relationship (thru Match.com) wiht the guy and you are making it too personal and too important for what it is - you've dated a few times, flirted a bit, if something happens between you it does - but for now, just enjoy the moments as they come with him or anyone. Whether or not this gets you all bent out of shape and anxious is your choice. IN the grand scheme of things, if he flakes or ghosts, he's doing you a huge favor. Taking it personally, making it a huge deal and all that serves no purpose.As far as what to do - my experience is that a guy who doesn't do what he says hewill do is showing you that he doesn't want to be someone you come to rely on for any reason. He's showing you who he is.

If you don't do this - you are giving him free reign to treat you disrespectfully..

Toni..

Comment #1

I agree with tonitoons on this point: "As far as what to do - my experience is that a guy who doesn't do what he says hewill do is showing you that he doesn't want to be someone you come to rely on for any reason. He's showing you who he is. You could call him and ask him what the deal is - but think about this from a logical standpoint - if you have to call him to ask him why he didn't call you - is he REALLY someone you want to give your time and effort to? Someone who's interest in you is questionable? Let this one go - and if you hear from him in a couple of days CLEARLY tell him that you expect people to do what they say they will do - he didn't and that's not ok. If you don't do this - you are giving him free reign to treat you disrespectfully."If someone doesn't follow through then he is clearly communicating that he doesn't want you to rely on him for whatever reason..and do you really want that? Unless he or someone in his family had a medical emergency and he lost track of time yesterday, then there really is no excuse. I wouldn't sit tight. I would make other plans and forget this guy...

Comment #2

The top-notch advice in here continues to amaze me... I take from it everyday! Lovz y'alls! Um yah, so totally right of course. If he's not calling then he must not be that excited about it and whatever to him!..

Comment #3

Thanks all. He's been pretty good with comm so far...called to make date, called to confirm night before, texted the day after, called that night, called two days later to confirm second date. Good history of comm so far. But....I am just sweating it now. Unsure...

Comment #4

Talk about sweating someone... that's me! Hehe. I suck *sigh*..

Comment #5

So, Wednesday came and went without a peep. Thursday now. I'm miffed, I'll be honest. Sunday we had fun, he made future references me meeting his roommates, things we should do together and he was the one who said he had a great time, asked if I was around this weekend, said he wanted to see me again and said he'd call to make plans. And then nothing. I don't think I read into this wrong...but he just did the ghost thing.

But still, it stinks.I was the aggressor by suggesting we go out in the first place. I don't want to throw myself at him and seem desperate by calling now. He said he would, he said when and he didn't. No matter how busy a week a guy has, if he's into a girl and says he wants to see her and will call, he will find a way to call, right?..

Comment #6

He said he'd call and probably things came up and he just hasn't gotten around to it. But I'm a big believer in training someone to be his word. He said he'd call Monday or Tuesday and didn't so you go ahead and make plans and when he does get around to calling you'll say, darn I wish there was time this weekend to get together but when I hadn't heard from you by Tuesday when you said you'd call I made other plans. I hope there's another time to get together.

He should get the hint not to take you for granted.

 .

,..

Comment #7

Exactly right. I can relate to almost every post I am reading now *sigh* Yah, time to break up with my boyfriend.....

Comment #8

"No matter how busy a week a guy has, if he's into a girl and says he wants to see her and will call, he will find a way to call, right?" yes, you are correct. If a guy really really wants you he will not allow you to slip through his fingers into someone else's arms. I have had to remind myself of that in the past and I'm sure into the future as well...

Comment #9

But why would you want someone in your life who just "didn't get around" to calling you?..

Comment #10

Still no word, so the hint has been taken. I resisted the urge to call and took his number out of my cell, tossed his card. Part of me does want to find out what went down, but the other part knows that you all are right that this isn't worth the time or effort. It does sting to think something is going one way and then get blindsided. Especially since I don't think I misread him at any point. But, these things happen.

It is very aggravating!..

Comment #11

I'm sure you didn't misread him. I'm sure he encouraged you to think and feel the way you did. Men can be very cruel and careless with our hearts. It's fine that you didn't call him because he wasn't worth it. Unfortunately you have dedicated too much time, energy and tears towards this man already. It also puts another kink in your faith in men. I'm sure you are curious and one day you might find out why he did what he did, but you will be unimpressed, I'm sure...

Comment #12

Thanks, Snafu. It is disappointing that this guy did this. Especially someone I know...he wasn't a random in the bar or anything. But someone I've known for a year, who seemed totally reliable, cool, everything. It's just disappointing. We're adults here, cmon! As my first foray into dating (online dating with Match.com) when I really didn't want to after a very hard breakup of an incredible two-year RL, it is simply disappointing. It is so hard not to become skeptical, jaded and closed off in these situations...

Comment #13

I'm sorry, Erin. You said you hope this doesn't happen to anyone else, but unfortunately it happens to every single person. To me, the key thing is not maybe that he changed his mind about you. We do that with men as well. You go out, have a good time, but then somewhere you change your mind maybe. The disrespectful and cowardly thing is not expressing this somehow to the other person and just disappearing.

I'm always upfront and say, I'm not interested - we don't have anything in common - or whatever reason I have for not wanting to go out with them anymore. I've found that most men are extremely cowardly and just avoid. Of course, who wants that type of person anyway, right? But it still hurts and it's still maddening to be left wondering. I hate it too, but it's either be a stalker trying to contact them and find out why (this is desperate) or just live with it, let it be, and know that they suck!..

Comment #14

I know, you tried to be careful and dated someone you knew for a while and still got similar results to someone you could meet in a bar. Your first dating (online dating with Match.com) experience after a break up and it goes this way? That is a huge disappointment. I read somewhere that men sometimes dont call to test a woman, not just to blow her off and break up in a cowardly way. If that is true, that they do that to test us...what babies they are!! Only an immature idiot does something like that. Imagine dating (online dating with Match.com) someone whose need for an ego boost is more important that your feelings? How horrible. It is okay if you feel hard, closed off and jaded.

Maybe if you were not ready to date, then you should listen to your gut and take some time to heal from the long term relationship (thru Match.com) ending. Sometimes when you "get back out there" too soon you end up with more hurt that you have to deal with because the dating (online dating with Match.com) world is treacherous...

Comment #15

"I'm sure you didn't misread him. I'm sure he encouraged you to think and feel the way you did. Men can be very cruel and careless with our hearts."Snafu hit it right on the mark. He is the one who was making "future" plans, however near future they were and then just dissapeared. Out of sight out of mind. Good for you to not call and take his number out of your cell.

Be true to yourself always and you'll find the right one. You have a long life ahead of you so don't rush it!Patty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #16

Just a random update on the disappearing guy...a colleague who takes lessons from him (and knew I had too, but knows nothing of our situation) just mentioned that he'd scheduled a lesson with him this week. So, I know he's not in a ditch somewhere, but rather, is simply lame.I am more aggravated than upset over this. It's more the situation than him as a person. I guess it's just disappointing overall...very much a "what the" kind of situation that is boggling to me. Part of me still does want to find out what happened, but I don't think my pride will let me call or email. Frustrating, very frustrating. Thanks again for everyone's input here...

Comment #17

Yah, so, of course you know the biggest mistake would be to contact him in any way whatsoever. I mean, do you really need someone to go point for point why they don't like you? That's brutal anyway. He has shown with his actions not only that he's not interested, but that he's a coward. You don't want that kind of guy anywayz...

Comment #18

Chances are if you contact him to find out what happened to him you'll be yanked back into a sick cycle of avoidance by him. In other words, you may call him and he tells you some stupid story and then you two make another date using Match.com and then the cycle continues. It is best for your heart that you leave him in the dust...

Comment #19

Hi Erin,Hang in there. It will be a bit of a rollercoaster I think for the next week or two while you work him out of your system. At least it has been for me. I too have still not received a call from my guy. I knew him alot longer and dated for longer than you, but the outcome and the confusion and insecurities are very much the same. And we're in our 40's! Childish games never cease I guess.I have gone back and forth in my mind, call-don't call-I deserve an answer darn it-no, I don't want to give him the satisfaction-I miss him-I don't miss him, etc, etc.

I waved, he waved but then I saw someone else wave and now I don't even know if the wave was for me or not, lol. I did my part. Thought that by seeing me he'd generate some type of communication, but still nothing. * I have learned that no matter how miserable I feel, I have to keep up my appearance so when he does see me I'm looking happy and refreshed....ya right! lol*Hang in there. Just trying to let you know there are other guys like that out there who do this sort of thing so try not to take it personally.

If he wants to see or talk to you, he'll make the time. Keep your head up, always look your best for you never know where you'll run into him. Gain your own closure in some way and start enjoying the summer!Patty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #20


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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