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My first question is: Still want to know - people recommend match.com or Yahoo Personals or what?.

My next question is: So I know this seems so stupid because we didn't date using Match.com for That long.... 2 1/2 months.  We had a very intense relationship... and were basically living together already... I know not a great idea but it felt right and it felt good.  We had such a wonderful relationship (thru Match.com) and we were both blissfully happy... until a week and a half ago.  He was having some money issues and I told him that I'd start helping with his bills next month- but with Christmas I couldn't this month.  We had kind of in passing discussed marriage, kids, etc, etc.  He was just.... I felt like if God and I could sit down and make a man to fit my needs he was it.  I'd never ever even imagined that I would find someone like that.  I truly thought that this was IT.  We had discussions about how he Really thought I was "the one"-  I never really said that about him but he Knew. .

A week and a half ago though he began having his doubts.  He began looking around... and found someone that sparked his interests. Who by the way, is not "prettier" than me... but is hotter (body) so eh... I know that's dumb but it bugs me. The day that they began talking I had a Strange feeling about everything... call it women's intuition.  So... long story short it was an AWKWARD weekend.  He has NEVER once lied to me, until sunday...

I find out he actually went to see her. The thing of it is I find out because she posted a picture of the two of them on her main myspace page.... kind of weird I thought (it was listed as his only new friend... so it wasn't hard to figure out). .

So, we broke up and I didn't really mention anything about the new girl.... the next morning I called him up and asked him to come clean about it all.  He did and was profusely sorry (that he got caught) and that he was hurting me... he was trying to avoid that at all costs.  So we talk a bit  and he really wants me to remain his friend... and I ask what exactly that means.... he says he wants for me to be there to pick up the peices when his heart gets broken. .

So Monday night he was with her and she stayed the night with him... he did tell me that- they didn't do anything, but still she stayed the night... slept in MY spot in the bed (with MY stuff right there still on the bedside table... but whatever).  Last night I went to move out and he wanted to sit down and talk... so talk we did.  I was very emotional and couldn't help it b/c I was just taking this very badly... like I didn't sleep for a few days for more than 2 hours at a time- even with taking sleeping pills. My mind was just racing! .

So during our conversation he was telling me about how I'm different from all the other girls he's dated... he really wants me to be his friend and be there for him when he needs me, and vice versa.  Unlike all of his other girls he's dated he'd like to get back with me if this new girl doesn't work out (which personally... I don't think it will... but IDK there's really NOTHING not to love about him).  He says he has no idea if anything will even come of this new girl (she lives an hour-hour and a half away.... and she can't move... nor can he due to jobs/housing markets and he is kind of clingy...

So there's no way she'll be able to be there the way that he craves.. but IDK... they Could work something out i'm sure) He also seems to think that if anything happens he'll probably mess it up somehow.... IDK.  But he just kept saying that he wants me to be there when everything goes wrong..

I know all of you are reading this and thinking... what a flipping jerk!  I get it He's asking me to stick around til he's done being a whore and then wants me to pick up the peices and pick up where we left off.  I need to just tell him to hit the road and just walk away.  I love this guy... he treated me like absolute Gold.  I TRULY think he's the one.  I found myself daily thanking God for bringing him into my life.  I told him last night that I missed him calling me before and after work and I REALLY missed sleeping (just sleeping) with him at night.  This morning he called me before work.  He had arranged all of his Christmas get-togethers around My family stuff... and now does not have anywhere to go... and that just makes me sad.  I offered to hang out with him tomorrow afternoon... and he didn't really answer so I'm guessing he doesn't want to.  I just don't know.  I feel so lost.  I still do think he's the one!.

I have so many questions for him, I just want to spend time with him, I just want to talk to him... I hate him not being in my life... i'm just so sad.  What should I do?  I spoke with my brother b/c he has a similiar personality as the ex and he suggested just kind of checking in with him every so often... not 'bugging' him all the time. But just move on... and if things work out they work out. .

What should I do... and at this point I truly can't hate him... I DON"T hate him at all...

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Comments (9)

Your question was: Still want to know - people recommend match.com or Yahoo Personals or what?.

I am so sorry you are caught up in this drama..

I know you think he is "The One" but the One would not make you second and have you as a "back up" if things don't go right with the one he is dating..

And this is a woman he left YOU for.  Ugh!.

I know it's hard but I would stop any connection you have with this man and move on.  This can't be good for your self-esteem nor do I think you "being there" for him will lead you to the relationship (thru Match.com) you want..

The best thing to do is dump him completely and ONLY accept him back, if at all, IF he is JUST into you and willing to be just with you and make YOU FIRST..

Good luck.

 .

Soliel..

Comment #1

First I'm sorry , heartbreak sucks I know ..

He wants you as a back up ... ok what about this  if he and this gal dont work and your "there" to help himWhat are you going to do when another girl comes along just stand back and wait for this one to run it's coarse too?.

Ditch him , he was dishonest and went behind your back and he will do it again because you allowed it and were "there" for himall you are hun is a back up so he wont be lonely , if he truley cared about you he wouldnt of done it in the first place..

Have some self esteem and move on your better than that. ..

Comment #2

If he were the one for you - the two of you would be together instead of him soliciting your help to be his shrink.  You need to experience the passion and the love that comes from a man who truly wants you in his life...not some guy who is afraid to get an emotional boo-boo...

Comment #3

You don't have to hate him...but if you love yourself, you'll stop talking to him.  This "friendship" will only hurt you and benefit him.  It's completely selfish of him to ask it of you..

If he were the "one" (a concept I don't believe in, but if) then he wouldn't be with another woman and he wouldn't want to be just friends with you.  And sure, he may have treated you like gold until last week, but then he CHEATED on you!!!  That's not treating you like gold!!!.

Sheri..

Comment #4

Yah, not sure how cheating on you = treats you like gold.  yikes...

Comment #5

Hi,.

I feel for you, that's too bad it didn't work out. However I have to say that from experience, dvery relationship (thru Match.com) that I've jumped into has never worked out. It usually ends up a whirlwind of a romance and I end up dumping them at around 9 months..

I think the main mistake here was that you guys went way too fast. You simply don't know a person very well after 2.5 months. I found that I fell like I truly know someone after a year. Alsothe whole chase thing is completely true. Men need to feel like they've won a prize. 2.5 months of living together gave him his prize, and there was nothing left to chase..

I say kick him out. Your worth a guy that will treat you like gold..

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Comment #6

Well, if none of those replies hit home, then I hope you 'hear' this: you know in your heart that he is not good enough. You are making yourself smaller and smaller to fit into the space that he is allowing you and I bet it's pretty painful. It's also destructive and no good will come of it, be sure of that. Take a deep breath, and be strong by cutting him off and out of your life - you will be so much better off if you do it now. Waiting any longer in the hope that he might one day, maybe, need you as a shoulder to cry on/financial support which might then lead to him realising how amazing you are is a fantasy and a pretty unhealthy one at that. (I can't quite believe he ACTUALLY said that to you - 'needing you around to pick up the pieces after she dumps him'- that is so self obsessed! You sound smart, so I'm surprised that you actually took that seriously.

That's a pretty reductive comment and woman are more than what they look like - don't be ugly about her, this is not her fault. The fact that you are dating (online dating with Match.com) someone who is a lot like your brother suggests to me that you have a few unresolved issues (don't we all), I would focus on working those out before engaging in a new relationship. Spending the time you might be using up 'supporting his broken heart' - please, c'mon, what about yours!? - will be much better spent on doing things that make you a healthy, happier human being. (Supporting him will only encourage his own narcissistic tendencies - and the World can do WITHOUT that.)The man needs to learn some life skills, but that's not your problem or responsibility, your own happiness is!C'mon, you know what's going on here, face it and move on...

Comment #7

So an update:.

   Last weekend I ended up going out with a guy friend who has kind of been through this with me- and has tried to 'hang out' in a non-friend sense before this whole thing with this guy happened... I thought what the hell- it might be nice to go out!.

   Next day the ex calls me and tells me that his new little miss just isn't exactly what he thought she would be.  He goes into detail about how she's not me... blah blah blah... he misses me.... the exact quote that I couldn't keep my cool on was "could you teach her how to be just like you".... Anyways he tells me that he's just going to see how it goes with her for 2 weeks.  Keeps telling me/texting me that he's sorry he's putting me through all this, he misses me, and is just so confused as to what he wants.  I believe that he is very confused.  He says he feels bad that he got a new toy and pushed the old (yet not That old) one to the side so quickly.... However, he's totally jumping into the relationship (thru Match.com) with her- She has been staying at his house this entire past week!  Anyways, he's called me (YES I KNOW I should just ignore his calls!!! but it's so hard) or texted me atleast once a day- if not several times a day to talk about everything. .

   I told him about the guy I went out with the other night, and he's all jealous about the situation- asking a million questions about him... I asked him Why he's jealous- when I asked him how to make it stop hurting a few days before he told me what he has done in the past is just move on... why shouldn't I move on, he has.  He got all upset and was like... I really don't want for you to move on, yadda yadda yadda.  She doesn't make me happy like you do but I want to give her a shot.  You never know what will happen- you've made me the happiest i've been in a long time- blah blah blah.  I TRULY believe that he IS confused, and does care about me, but jeez... if you wanna be with me... don't give her a 2 week trial phase... BE WITH ME! .

I don't know, his confusion has now just confused me even more.  So anyways... I'm continuing to move on... I don't know if he'll ever not be confused.  He knows he had it really really good with me and is now trying to find that again.... although I don't get why i'm not good enough to be with..

Screw him.   .

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Comment #8

>>although I don't get why i'm not good enough to be with.<<.

Are you serious?? WHO says that you're not good enough to be with? This guy is an absolute jerk and I'm surprised you are entertaining his calls or texts. HE DOES NOT RESPECT WOMEN! He doesn't. Look:.

>>He goes into detail about how she's not me... blah blah blah... he misses me.... the exact quote that I couldn't keep my cool on was "could you teach her how to be just like you".... <<.

He LEFT you. He's dating (online dating with Match.com) her. And he's talking about HER with YOU. Not cool, no matter how you look at it..

>>He says he feels bad that he got a new toy and pushed the old (yet not That old) one to the side so quickly<<.

Did he actually refer to you two as TOYS??.

>>Anyways he tells me that he's just going to see how it goes with her for 2 weeks.<<.

How would you feel if the guy you were dating (online dating with Match.com) was telling his ex this behind your back?.

This guy is so playing you. He is playing on your insecurities and putting negative thoughts into your head about this girl. I wouldn't be surprised if he soon tells you that the girl said X or Y about you. The girl has done you nothing, just remember that. And for your sanity and well-being? Stop contacting this guy and taking his calls. He will keep taking you for a joke otherwise..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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