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Still no call....

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Hi halle, snafu and anyone else who cares to offer some help!It's been a week since my guy picked that fight and he still hasn't called me. My only contact from him was an email on Thursday that "at some point soon I need to talk with you".I sent him two emails, one on Tuesday asking just why he was so mad at me, and another Friday asking him to really think about things before telling me goodbye because he would not be getting a third chance. I re-read my email to him and felt sick to my stomach. It sounded almost like I was begging.........I DO NOT BEG FOR ANYONE!I had plans tonight with a girlfriend of mine but she had to cancel. Now I'm sitting here and my mind is going crazy, my stomach is all in knots, I go from crying to being nauseous.....it's the beginning of sundown. I've been doing so well the past two days, really getting myself together, aka getting mad, and ready to move on.

Had a good day today with my kids, went to the beach, dinner with mom and sis etc. Now my kids are at their dads and I'm alone with my thoughts and am beginning to miss him terribly.So I write here because I have to write something or I may do something dumb like try to call him or email him again and I don't want to come off as desperate. I know it will pass and I will again gain my strength but I don't understand any of this!! We had a great thing going this time around. I ran into a friend of his who assured me it's not me (which I know) and that he is really just a mess from his divorce. His friend was a guy and I don't care how much of a mess he is anymore, it's not right that he is not only ignoring the problem but I feel a HUGE amount of disrespect from someone to whom I only offered love and support through alot of his problems the past seven or eight months, not to mention the friendship we shared for five years before we started dating.I read a blurb from 'thebethness' on the playing games thread and she said (not a direct quote) it's lack of concern or caring more than manipulation.

He has no regard for his actions coming in and out of my life like he has, or his kids. I was very attached to his children, especially the oldest son who is not pleased at all with how his dad is treating me. Whatever his damage, I was willing to stick it out for him. I don't want to do that anymore, but I am not ready to let go. Holding on to false hope........just like his empty promises.

Had to get something out. Thanks ladies..

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comments (24)

Your question was: Still no call.....

We're here Patty. You hit the nail on the head with "His friend was a guy and I don't care how much of a mess he is anymore, it's not right that he is not only ignoring the problem but I feel a HUGE amount of disrespect from someone to whom I only offered love and support through alot of his problems the past seven or eight months, not to mention the friendship we shared for five years before we started dating." How could someone treat a person so badly when all she has done is treat him with all the caring and respect in the world?"He has no regard for his actions coming in and out of my life like he has, or his kids." that is how it appears, that he is selfish and inconsiderate. Keep this in mind...you never know someone until you are going through a bad time with them. Oh sure...it is easy to spout all the of the right things to say to a woman while you are wooing her...but your true character comes our during times of trouble. Based on how this guy is handling things - do you still want him? I'm a big believer in watching how someone handles crises and difficulties to measure their fit in my life. If someone mishandles something because he had a need to make me feel jealous or insecure (which has happened to me) or walks all over my heart or my needs (because...he's "the guy" and because he has the penis his needs come first) then it is "ciao baby".

I firmly believe that a person's character doesnt change. Their outter persona may change some just from aging and life's experiences. Their tastes and interests and wants may change. But if the guy is selfish, he's going to stay selfish. Men don't feel a huge desire to change internally - "growth" is something women do and there is always a woman who will take them as they are and not require them to do any introspection.Have you tried calling him?..

Comment #1

HI snafu,No, I'm happy to report I have NOT tried calling him. I sent two emails. He knows how I felt. Just venting on here and trying to offer support to others has been great therapy. As has been my "myspace" (ya, I'm old but still have one, lol) It's another good place to put up your feelings and reach out to friends and family. The crying stopped and my mind opened to what I might say if he EVER contacts me.First and formost, I'm most pissed (can I say that on here? lol) that the gutless wonder has not even bothered to APOLOGIZE for yelling at me last Saturday.

He's had a week to at least tell me that. For that, I will not forgive him. This is the third time he has taken his "emotions" on me and it's worse each time. I will not wait around to see what the fourth time would be like. I appreciate everyones support and advice.

I will not go under just to keep him afloat.......Doing ok so far....Patty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #2

I'm sorry you're going through this but glad that you having called him. Good for you! He doesn't deserve to hear from you.You're never going to "understand" someone who behaves like this, it's a waste of your time and effort to try. You can't understand because you're a decent human being who can't concieve of treating someone you claim to care about like he's treating you. So give up trying to understand and work instead on accepting that he's fundamentally flawed in a way that is not acceptable for someone (you, hopefully!) who wants a healthy relationship.Sheri..

Comment #3

Thanks Sheri.Like I said, it's finally starting to really sink in that he is unstable. It is totally inconceivable to me for someone to act so.....I can't even come up with a suitable word! It's too bad we can't put a branding on their forheads to warn the next poor woman who comes his way! But if that happened, these message boards would be pretty empty! ;-).

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #4

Hi, I was reading your post and I agree and disagree with a lot that was done and said. If this guy regarly checks his email then I think that is enough contact for right now and it's time to start paying attention to what you need right now. If you keep trying to talk to him and he isnt ready to talk yet then you will appear desperate and a whole bunch of other things that I'm sure are not part of your character. I think this is a time for you as well to start to ask yourself if your getting what you need from this relationship. Because if your not you need to figure out if he is the person who can give you what you need. I do understand that you love him and it's hard to consider these things when your emotionally involved with someone, but you have to remember that there are 2 people in this relationship (thru Match.com) not just one.

While he's taking his time getting back to you use this time to your advantage and get yourself in check and make sure your not doing things that you will later regret by chasing this man. With that being said, my suggestion is to sit down and write a letter. The letter should be as if you were talking to the guy and he was sitting in the room with you and listening to you. Write every question you would ask him and write about how angry and fustrated you are with this situation.Express everything you ever wanted to say to him but never got the chance. This letter is not for him but for you.

This letter is to help you get your emotions under control so you can stop reacting to the situation in such an aggressive manner. U will be surprised by how much better your going to feel afterwards because everything you've wanted to say your getting the chance to say. By the time he's ready to talk (he eventually will be) you would have gotten your emotions undercontrol and be able to express yourself in a manner that he cant help but respect. As far as whether you should continue the relationship (thru Match.com) afer that , it's up to u. Just make sure that if you do decide too that both of you are getting what you need and want from the relationship.

Good Luck!..

Comment #5

I'm not sure if I would feel better writing all of it and then just tearing it up because the whole point is that you're wondering about the other person - their thoughts and feelings about you... and I wouldn't be getting that back from this technique. But I understand the idea of it. Maybe it works for some people. For me, I'd be even more maddened because everything would be perfectly laid out in the letter and I'd definitely want to express all of it to the person...

Comment #6

Thanks classy,I actually have already done what you suggested and it has helped. Since his totally out of character argument last Saturday, I only sent him two emails; One on Tuesday asking him why he was so mad at me and made reference to the things he was yelling about, and on Thursday in reply to the email he sent about needing to talk with me soon. Other than that, no other contact from me and no calls (which was hard at first).And yes, he does check his emails everyday.I have, though, written MANY emails to him when there have been things I've wanted to say or ask. At times when I felt lonley and confused and times when I felt angry and done. I did find this to be a very helpful tool. I did not put an addressee in the heading just incase I hit the send button (a very helpful hint btw) and I saved these emails to draft.

(this board wouldn't be able to handle all the venting, lol) I find humor in them now, as I am coming out of the fog and into the sunlight how pathetic I would have sounded if I had actually talked or tried to email him when my emotions were so raw.Great advice and it should be at least tried by anyone who feels that urge to make those calls or send those emails!Thanks for the support!Patty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #7

I just came back from the post office where I saw his truck in the lower parking lot. Like a scared little schoolgirl, I waited in my truck until he came out and got in his truck and then I got out and went in.I have to tell you that my stomach is all twisted and all those emotions I have been trying to work out have all come rushing back. I didn't want my first time seeing him in over a week to be inside the post office with a lot of people around, know what I mean? But now I know even if he does ever call, I'm not sure I can see him face to face to talk at this point. I would probably forgive his behavior and that is WRONG. I love him so much and this hurts like hell. I know the split will be for the best but it is so hard at this moment.

Being in the same town will make for bumping into each other, but I'm just not ready for that casual encounter.Not looking for a response, just needed to get it out and feel like someone is here with me. Hope that's ok.Patty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #8

In that case, I'll just give you a cyber hug.Hang in there...Sheri..

Comment #9

You meant this for newyear right? because it came to my email and not hers...

Comment #10

Hi Patty. "I love him so much and this hurts like hell." I know and it will take a long time for this pain to go away. I'm sure whatever excuse he can offer you will not be sufficient to cover the type of pain you are going through.This may be of no comfort to you, but I am the victim of a horrible crime. You will see that no apology or excuse will be sufficient to cover the pain I have endured for 5 years plus. A bunch of people ambushed my life and basically took it over as though I am a slave in this 2007 America. It is kind of like the movie "The Game" except this is no movie and I am no actress but a real life victim.

Not only that...not one person in this entire world has ever extended a hand to say that I am not alone and he or she or they would help me put the perpetrators in jail. I have received over 5 years absolutely no emotional support or comfort or any words of "dont worry we'll help you" or "well get you out of this mess" - nothing. I have been nothing but a good friend to people and loyal. I am not going to need these people after it is all over. I needed them NOW because the crime has completely isolated me from having a normal life.

I know - complicated but that is for another time. Since every single person I called or wrote decided to not check in on me or offer words to comfort me I realize they are very cruel. And this emotional cruelty also comes from men who have professed to love or have loved me hmmm, no man in this world is worth my time anymore. Since they dished out mental cruelty to me - that is what I hope they get back from this world. They will try to say that they were coerced into isolating me by the bad guys, but I don't buy it and never will.

Nice thoughts...huh? I dont' forget things like this...

Comment #11

Snafu, I'm sorry that you had to endure that type of pain and torture. It is something that no one should ever have to go through. I understand your mistrust towards men and people in general. I hope it works out in the end for you so you can put this all behind you. You have been a victim and it doesn't seem like you use that as an excuse to hurt anyone else and you, more than anyone, would have the right to feel that way.((Huggs))Patty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #12

Thanks Patty, I appreciate the hugs. Victimization is no excuse or right to hurt anyone else. The "abuse excuse" is a nice way for rotten people to inflict pain on others and try to get away with it. Our armed forces will come home with PTSD and hopefully they can get help because victims of PTSD can inflict pain on others (but mostly themselves) and not intend to do so. As someone I know used to always say, "what goes around comes around" so all the people who abandoned me will hopefully know that pain one day. I have no problem with saying that, even if it sounds ugly because it's true...

Comment #13

I just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and cyber hugs ;-) I made a decision on what to do today, and for better or worse, I feel a much lighter weight on my mind.After eleven days of no call from him, and seeing him at the post office twice now, I sent him a final email. I didn't want to call because I didn't want to hear his voice and get all emotional, ya know?It was simple. It wasn't angry, or redundant or pleading. It basically told him that no matter what stress he has in his life, or how ever scared he gets when he is in a relationship, I had only offered care and concern for him in our relationship (thru Match.com) and that I did not deserve the reaction I got last Saturday. I also made mention that it hurt that he didn't even offer an apology for his outburst, even if he was still trying to sort things through. Those words were not verbatim, but that was the basics of it.

Either way, I have said my peace. I realized after reading everyones caring advice that he should not be allowed to feel that his behavior is ok and I felt that if I just never contacted him again, he would think that it was.I'm doing pretty good now that that's out there in email world. I feel much better to move on now.Thank you all again for helping me through. I hope I can do the same sometime. Should he ever contact me, I'll let you know!Patty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #14

I just responded to your post on the other boardand was glad to read this.I have a feeling you will hear from himguys are pretty quick to respond when you call them on stuff, I've found (they don't like it). So you need to be prepared for thatgive some serious thought to what it would take for you to give him another chance. It's a good exercise in boundary setting even if you never have to use it.Personally, him taking this long would be unacceptable no matter what excuses he comes up with. This just isn't how healthy people handle conflict and I want a partner whose healthy.Sheri..

Comment #15

Good for you. I've been keeping up with your story, but you were getting plenty of feedback so I didn't post! I'm so glad you did this. The last poster is right, tooyou will hear from him eventually now. Guys don't like when you quit pining over them. They lose their control, and control is fun! So definitely get your boundaries all set up...

Comment #16

Hi Sheri, Thanks for both your responses. As far as the one from the other board, I knew he runs in times of stress. I just didn't(or don't) know how far he would run. I was hoping to be the one who stood firm, stood by him, who wasn't going to be scared away. I was hoping that by seeing someone(me) not be scared off by his weaknesses (which by not wanting me to see, he runs?), he might relax and start trusting again. (For those who don't know, he was very hurt in his divorce of 25yrs with his highschool sweetheart, but that was five years ago)But I am only one woman, I loved him best I could.

I am not his mother. He himself needs to learn how to trust again, and how to behave in an adult manner and admit to his faults (which he usually does but then uses them as an excuse). He needed to know that this type of behavior is just not right, especially towards someone who has been there for him all along.I have been putting a lot of thought into what happens next, if he does anything. Those thoughts are still swirling around my brain. I do need a healthy relationship (thru Match.com) with a man who is mentally able to give me that.

Who knows. At least I feel I have my control back.Thanks to all!.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #17

Good for you. I like how you mentioned that you have only given him love and support and that you did not deserve the treatment you got from him and that an apology was in order...

Comment #18

Hi Sheri and all you other wonderful women who have helped me through the almost past two weeks!I did hear from him today. We went for a drive to a local pond and had a real earnest talk. He first and formost apologized for his behavior that Saturday. He gave me some insite to what was going on that day, not as an excuse, but to let me into his mind a little.Long story short, he, as I knew but had hoped he'd have worked it through, Just can not handle being in a relationship. He really wanted to make it work this time around but he could not handle trying to make someone happy when he is having a hard time making himself happy. I've been there, with the bricks all around my heart and I know it's scary to take them down.

He said he knew I deserved that respect. He never meant for me to get hurt again. I agreed that how he handled things the past two weeks were very wrong, but I did know about the "risk" involved in giving it another try. He knows how great I've been and that no one else has ever been there for him in such an understanding way. He held my hand from when he picked me up until he dropped me off.

I have no regrets now. I stayed strong, no tears (ok, a little welling up but that's it!) I'm glad it is all said and done. I have the closure I was hoping for and my life will continue to move along in a positive direction. No baggage left on my doorstep now. Somehow, I think if we hadn't had this talk, I'd be bitter and thus take that into the next relationship.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #19

I'm very glad that he stepped up and was a grown up about it and honest with you, even though the outcome is not what you might have wished for. It definitely helps to not have to be angry at him for being a cowardI've BTDT, and it definitely does make it harder to move on when the guy just disappears.Now you can grieve and move on but with a clear heart, so to speak.Sheri..

Comment #20

I can't say this is not the outcome I wanted...deep down. Yes, I love him and I know he loves or at the very least cares deeply for me but timing is everything and he is just not ready. He may never be, with me or anyone. (I've never known him to be a player and date using Match.com many women at once so I believe this is not one of those reasons) After we BOTH had the time to sort things through, although harder on me with the wondering (but I had you all to help me)I think this outcome is really for the best for both of us.It would not be healthy for ME to continue on with this relationship (thru Match.com) as it stands. I need someone who is mentally healthy to carry on a true relationship (thru Match.com) without my worring when the next break would occur.We had a great friendship before we dated. Something I never had before (as most of us here on the board in new relationships didn't have) to fall back on.

I can't just go directly into hanging out, or stopping by and I don't do FWB as I believe in exclusivity and know my heart isn't strong enough for such a casual thing. I tried it once with the younger xbf (hey, he was younger and well...younger, heehee)OK for some, but realized not for me.I really am doing ok. Sad at one ending, happy about starting anew on the friendship. I'm moving on with my life. Yes, I will miss the tenderness we shared, but I think in the long run, to have someone by my side who cares and will always be there in that friendship capacity is the best outcome one could ever dream of.

To not have that awkard feeling is a relief. I know if my truck ever broke down or what ever came up, he'd be there to help me or my kids and I for him and his. It's summer time, I live by the ocean, so it's time to relax,reflect, be with family and friends and live my life to the fullest. I believe in Serendipity. What is meant to be will be, with whomever, whenever it is meant to be.I hope my past two weeks of postings has or will help someone along the way.

This is dating. I have great memories to fall back on,I will allow myself time to heal and will try it again with someone new....someday. No one ever said it was going to be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.Thank you!.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #21

You are really strong to remain friends. I know I couldn't be. Sometimes I think then I come off as the jerk - but I can't be friends, at least right away, with someone I was romantic with. It's just too hard to physically be with them that way because I know how great it was otherwise just the other day, you know? Too weird and too difficult. It sucks...

Comment #22

Hi Halle,No, I can't just go straight to hanging out with him right now, but we had a five year friendship before, know the same people, live in the same town, etc. Someday maybe we can hang like before but not right now. I need time to heal, as does he, and move on with my life.However, I can go to dinner or the local hang outs and not worry about running into him. If I'm at the bar, or he's at the bar and there are no other seats, I wouldn't hestitate to plop down next to him.I don't usually keep friendships afterwards. For some reason, this is different to me. THis is ok for me in my healing.

He has baggage he can't unload and may never. For that I can't fault him and can't hate him so friends, or some version of it, works for me..

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #23

That sounds good I'm glad for you. My boyfriend's perspective right now.. it's totally reasonable and I cant be mad at him for it either.. but of course, I think MY view is better LOL And I'm having a little bit of trouble seeing why he cant see it my way. Sigh. It's really tough. Now we havent spoken in 2 days and he didnt answer my text from yesterday.....

Comment #24


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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