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Step Daughter

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Well it is like this...I have a boyfriend and we have been together 8 years and it has been a hard 8 years..for the longest time her daughter would make up things about me and I swore one day I would get even with her. Well after time that went away..infact for awhile her and I have gotten along really well and thought the past is the past..well she is turning 19 and is a party girl like you would not believe. I get calls stating that I need to look at her myspace..well last night I did..oh my god sluts are us should be the name of her page..haha..it was bad. on top of that when I went into her room and put her mail on her computer I looked up and found alcohol in there. Not beer either..the hard stuff. AND on top of this my digital camera has come up missing and when I asked her about it she siad no she has not seen it..she has her own digital camera but it is not working properly but somehow she keeps coming up with all these pics to put on her myspace.

Well after we looked for it for 2 hours we still did not fine it and then last night I called one of the girls that was in the house and flat out accused her she stated that my boyfriends daughter has a digital camera that is working well. I said that is strange cuz hers does not work that well..I am guessing she has mine...The girl I talked to last night was going to get a pic of this camera and send it to me. I have already told her father about the liquor but my question is...what do I do about the myspace pics and how do I approach him if it comes back and I find out she is the one that took my camera? Our relationship (thru Match.com) is a hard relationship (thru Match.com) and he has not be a step up dad to her. Infact he has been the complete opposite. She has snuck out of the house and not get punished.

No matter what she has done..trust me. so what do I do..

Comments (10)

Your question was: Step Daughter.

Why are you in this relationship? And when is she going to move out?I would just lay it on the line with her father and state that this is the camera that she is using and it is mine. If you are afraid of approaching her father then there is no point in being in the relationship.I have not been in your shoes, so I dont' know what you are going through, but it sounds pretty aggravating to me...

Comment #1

As a step daughter on both side of my parents divorce (meaning they both got re-married) this is none of your business. I am sorry to say this but this is not your place. Granted you have been with the father for 8 years and I understand that and I am not trying to belittle you relationship (thru Match.com) with him. But you are only the girlfriend and not the momperiod. Nor are you the father, therefore you are not a disciplinarian..

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You can act like the liaison when you find stuff like her myspace page (and from someone who is younger I can guarantee that her page is not that bad compared to most out there.  My mom is my best friend and I even think she would be a little miffed at the stuff on my page but I am an adult, and so is she) and the alcohol (which is also not as bad as you think. Most kids start drinking Soph. year of high school). You need to let the father deal with his daughter. Even though my parents have remarried, their spouses have very limited access with the hand they play with in my life.

Just tell the father what you find and you guys can talk about what the punishment is but you dont need to be the one that is laying down the law so to speak because trust me it will go down in flames..

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And kids can be a pain, trust me I was one of them when my mom first started dating. I broke up 2 of her relationships (I was very immature and hurting and yes I know that it was bad) because the child does have power and they know it. The parent will always pick their own child and she might be making things up and flat out lying but here is the deal. If both of you are whispering in his ear making his life miserable and he gets the feeling like he needs to pick one just to make the insanity stop.guess who is on the outs??? You.

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And the reason he might not be punishing her is because he feel guilty because he didnt provide her with a complete family. But that is their issue, not yours. That is something they need to go through and figure out on their own. Trust me I went through the same thing with my dad, I could have gotten away with murder and he wouldnt have said a word. I cam home many night drunk and he acted like he didnt even know..

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So my advice is stay out of it. I know it is hard. It is hard on both ends. And for her it sucks, because you are not her mom yet not a friend so what does so do with you? What can she talk about with you, what can she get a way with or confide with you?? I still ask those question after 6 years of my parents be remarried about my step parents.  .

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I don't mean to come off mean and I hope I didn't. Just a little advice from a girl who use to be that 19 y/o...

Comment #2

It doesnt matter.we talked about it last night and basically you are right is daughter can do no wrong..she has my camera and he knows it now instead of making her just give it back he is going out and buying me another one. My eyes it is way wrong but that is the way it is and will not punish her for stealing my camera. She is getting served in bars and as far as her pics on myspace..she said if I want to look like slut I will look like a slut..but after all was said and done she had no remorse or one tender feeling of her doing wrong..she knows she got away with it and that nothing is going to happen to her. After she left a couple hours later her father and I got into it really heavy. Basically he knows she is a liar and every word coming out of her mouth is not the truth but when she says a word about me it is all the truth no matter what. His ex-wife controls him like puppet and now his daughter does too She has no rules in this house and I am not going to be a part of it anymore.

In the last too weeks she has been to court for drug charges and caught with liquor and caught in a lie about my camera. Im done with it all if he is not going to stand up to the plate and be a father then I guess there is no room for me here..

Comment #3

I approached her in front of him and she denied it big time and now instead of making her give it back or go through her stuff till it is found he is going out to buy me a new one and just let her get away with it. He allows her to control him and tell him how it is going to be and you now what..I am done with it. I am moving out unless he puts his foot down and I know that is not going to happen. One day he will wake up and smell he coffee and I wont be htere and it will be a shame on him!!..

Comment #4

You brought up a very important point - "no room" for you. Basically you entered into a relationship (thru Match.com) with a man who had an existing life with existing baggage in place. You simply fit into his life or you dont. Many men feel the same way as you when they date using Match.com a woman with a child. They feel as though the woman will not bend to create a new life with a man, because of the child. And we all know that men need to be the ones who have to have everything revolving around them.He is a wimp when it comes to his daughter and his wife.

He has to want to change in order for that to happen. It seems you feel you are being disrespected by him and the daughter and your feelings are secondary to their current relationship. The daughter will always come first to him. He offered to buy you a new camera to make peace and just smooth things over. He probably cant wait for her to move out.Also, unfortunately men usually (not always) cannot be reasoned with.

Then they have their "aha" moment. Case in point: Long ago, I once had a friend who was married with children. They had been married for a while and seemed to be happy. Slowly I started to see how he mentally abused her and the kids. He would always comment about women on tv or in a restaurant they were in or wherever.

Granted, none of us in the room would be able to compete for a Ms. or Mr. Universe contest...but every time he did it I saw her stiffen up and get very quiet. There is no reason to inflict that upon a person...male or female. Especially when you know the person is just an average person - then it is mean.

And it if it were me it would bother me too. Finally...one day he called his kid "stupid" in front of me and I finally lost my temper with him and I said that "so and so" is not stupid and you dont say those things to your kids because it will screw them up. So...he felt the need to always have the upper hand in the house by exploiting his family's weaknesses and I know that people say that it shouldnt matter what someone calls you because you know differently, but why accept less than respectful treatment from someone? It is not about being too sensitive it is about walking over someone's feelings to make yourself feel bigger and stronger. Men will spin it around and say that it is a free country and why cant they just speak their mind and why do women have to be so insecure and sensitive. They'll hear that they need to develop a thicker skin - that is utter nonsense.

Why should she have had to suck up that poison of hearing how sexy, "hot" and beautiful someone ELSE is to him? Why should his kids have to think about sounding or looking stupid in front of anyone? Then one day she and I had a field day oohing and aahing over men on tv and in movies right in front of him. I enjoyed it. He walked away from the conversation and I said to myself.."good. I hope you eat this sh%t nice and slow." Any man does that to me, I'm gonna do it right back to him.And by the way...no man will tell you this...but I will: when a man refers to a woman as "hot" it is referenced between THEM as "hot and bothered" or "wet and ready". It is not about how pretty someone is or is not.

But, the fact of the matter is that no woman should want a man to think that they are always wet and ready to go. Unless you have no self esteem. Men have tried over the years to label me that way. And, I am not wet and ready for any man to jump me. That would be a misnomer and slander.

Men are so clueless about the female anatomy that they would confuse a woman whose body naturally cleanses itself with a benign clear discharge as someone who is "wet and ready". If one doesn't douche, then one's body does cleanse itself. Technicially there really is no reason to douche and you can irritate and dry out your vaginal canal. But remember this... men love to gossip about women these days and if you unfortunately sleep with someone who you do respond to sexually he will spread it all around and men give you that wink and smirk afterwards and then you know that you get to sue the s.o.b.

That is what I will do. Poor Alex.Men dont take "hot" as "erect and ready to go". They perceive "hot" as sexy and sexual. Because there is a double standard in the world that will never go away, women need to be a little more mindful and understand that if the media is overplaying words (like hot spot or sweet spot) it is to make sure we perceive certain inappropriate phrases as ok because it is all about making sure we are pliable and submissive. That is why they encourage women to look like freaks and get huge implants even though their breasts are fine the way they are - because - when a man sees a woman with huge implants, subconsciously they know that if that woman is willing to distort her body image to that extent to get a man, then she is definitely ripe for mental control and abuse and will do anything to keep a man.

Edited 8/4/2007 11:46 am ET by snafu2006..

Comment #5

You know what...not to defend my boyfriend but he does not even attempt to look at another woman or comment or anything of another woman expecially when he is around me. I know that sounds strange but it is true. I have decided to go. I have got to find a place to go. I pay all the bills here so my money is not the best but told him last night bills are on his hands I refuse to pay them anymore. If he wants to let his daughter walk all over him and control him like a puppet, well more power to him.

Funny thing is I know I leave he will come after me and pull at me and I will not know what to do. Right now I hate his guts so bad It is so aggravating that he knows his daughter is nothing but a liar but bring my name up and it's all true..fell fine he can think that. I have had enough. I have put up with it for 8 years and as for her leaving here..that will never happen. She has a free room over her head and free bills and such..would you want to move out..doubt it..

Comment #6

I'm glad you decided to go. I cant believe you got stuck with all of the bills. That bratty daughter has the nerve to treat you that way while you pay all of her bills? I believe you when you say that your soon ex boyfriend didn't look or speak about women in front of you, my second ex husband was the same way...

Comment #7

I told him the other night that I was not paying the bills anymore and that he needs to start taking care of them and that I am going to take my next two checks I get to move out. Problem is all the times I have threaten I have been all talk and this time I am not. Lot rent is due today and want to see what he says when it is not paid by me. And I have already found a place that I can leave with my next check which is on the 10th. He has no idea of me telling the truth this time. Bad thing is overall he is a wonderful man.

He makes rules in this house for my son who is 16 to the point that he put a special box on his TV in his room to turn off at a special time while school is going on. Its so funny that he can sit here and try to make rules for my kids but can not make one rule about his daughter. She does not have to clean the kitchen or anything and I am over it all. I am so angry at it and maybe once I am gone he will open his eyes. He is a wonderful man, great lover and all you would want in a man.

Mine do not do it to me and my kids are great. I have heard that over and over again. My stepdaughter's grandparents are even so ashamed of her. my boyfriend is even ashamed of her but will not do anything about it. I wish she would just move back out we were very happy when she moved out the first time.

She whines and gets what she wants. She is so much debt and is on 6 months probation for being caught with drugs. I know he is going to come after me and play my feelings but this house is not big enough for the both her and I so I will be the adult and go. If she moves out maybe we can work it out but right now I can not see us together at all...My head is spinning so bad it is crazy. Funny thing is this hurts really bad but this time I have not even cried over it....

Comment #8

Well I decided that I am going to talk to him today and let him know that I am moving out next weekend and tell him everything..EVERYTHING. Tell him how I feel and how I want it to be and how I do not think it is right for his daughter to not have rules but yet he can make rules for my son but I can not make rules for his daughter and even if I do by chance make a rule for her how she does not have to follow it. How she needs to help out with things around the house and how I do not appreciate how she controls him and this house..and I am sure all will break loose!!..

Comment #9

I dont understand what you see that is so wonderful about this man if he has no balls and treats your son one way and his daughter another way. You cannot establish rules for his daughter but he can establish rules for your son? You are not an equal to him in his eyes, so I dont see what is so wonderful about him. You are being used to an extent and that also doesnt spell out a wonderful man.There is a man who has attempted/is attempting to communicate to me. He professes love for me to everyone but me...to my face...in public. However, he is asking me to relay to him who in his life is betraying him. Well, since he will not acknowledge me to my face ...

Why should I allow myself to be used this way? He seems to believe that he is my last chance at love. That is not so and he better get with it before too long lest his attitude do him in. Attempting communication with me is not enough....I want acknowledgement. This is REAL buddy. But, I guess it is not fashionable or popular for people to acknowledge me or their love for me - because I am a crime victim in a small town run by the criminals.

Everyone can be sweet as pie later...it wont matter to me...I wont care. What matters is NOW because this is REAL, my crime is REAL, the treatment I have gotten from people is REAL..not make believe or role play or script....REAL. Since I have been abused severely over the last 5 to 6 years...I am not apt to forgive anyone for allowing me to suffer OR for helping the bad guys abuse me - even mentally. I want to scream, "I am not in "hibernation" you idiots!!!! I am being destroyed and abused and degraded!!!" How can people be so blind and so stupid? I have been screaming for help for 5 long years...and the world that is filled with morons STILL wants to believe I'm hibernation? What dumbasses!!!!! Since when do people not listen to the victim? *Sigh* - all because I was born at the wrong time at the wrong place to the wrong people. Once I put the bad guys in jail I'll be free...free to be left alone..

Edited 8/5/2007 12:25 pm ET by snafu2006..

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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