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Shy guy or not???

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I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) this guy for a little over a month. He seems like a great guy and even though we've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a month and a half, we've only gone on two "official dates." It's not entirely his fault, I've had to go out of town once or twice on the weekends and he is out of town this weekend and I am out of town next weekend. The last date using Match.com we had I thought went pretty well, he grilled me with a lot of questions and I was definately unsure whether he was going to even contact me at all afterwards. But he did. He texted me once on Tuesday morning (which I didn't really respond to b/c I decided I was going to wait and call him later that night) and when I didn't text back he sent me a random text again about 3:30 in the afternoon as well (which I was surprised at because the second text seemed extremely random, like he was previously waiting for me to text him back automatically, when it's usually the other way around). I then called him that night just to chat and it was a good conversation.On Thursday, I then texted him again to see if he was going to the volleyball game at the high school (I coach volleyball.but not for the school and he coaches basketball) because the last time I told him I was going to be there, he showed up.

So I was a little disappointed. Though he didn't give a definite "Yes" or "No" to the question. Granted, he was going to a basketball clinic on fri. and sat. 4 hours away.So I am not sure what to do.

He didn't text back but I wasn't really expecting him too. I asked him on one of our dates if he was shy and he said he was. Though all the times I've talked to him he didn't really seem that shy. He does resort to texting...a LOT. I want to try to change that which is why I decided to call him on Tues.I work in the same small town that he does.

I want to try to get the ball rolling more on the dating (online dating with Match.com) thing, so I am thinking that maybe next week I will see if he wants to meet for dinner or something after work, since I am going to be out of town that weekend. I'm just really scared to..I'm afraid he'll say "No" or "Sorry I can't"..and of course it will disappoint me. I am wondering if maybe he really is shy..the last time we went on the date using Match.com I texted him and see if he wanted to go biking that Sat. and he is the one that texted back and said "lets go to a movie." So maybe he is shy but face to face he doesn't show it. He's a tough guy, likes to appear tough, and not really show that much emotion.

I don't want to scare him away. I also should add that I am always constantly waiting for the "ball to drop" in relationships. During my past relationships, the breakups tended to come out of nowhere, or when I lease expected. So I constantly worried if the next conversation me and this guy have is going to be "This isn't working" or "We should still be friends" What do you all think?.

Edited 10/20/2007 4:30 pm ET by shinystar24..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Shy guy or not???.

Yes, I remember your previous post about him.  He was the one who asked a lot of pointed questions, not affectionate and didnt' introduce you..

I know that you are queasy about asking him out because you are afraid that you'll hear "no", but it is better for you to know earlier than later if this guy is really interested in you.  Dont wait for the ball to drop...just grab it!! hehehe.  Women are so content to sit back and let some guy make a decision for them as to whether or not the man will grace them with his presence.  Women *wait* for everything to be "clear" like the word of God will be spoken...instead of finding out for themselves.  And if a guy makes you wait to find out...then he's playing games with you and is trying to control the situation.  There has to be a natural coming together with both parties reaching out for the other for it to work.  A guy that is interested in you will enjoy your invitation because then he will feel desired..

If you are experiencing breakups out of nowhere then the guy was not demonstrating what he was really feeling...which leads me to ask you...Do you enjoy the tough guy personae?  I dont.   I like a guy who shows what he is feeling inside.  Relationships are tough enough without trying to decode someone's strong and silent behavior..

He didnt respond to your text about the basketball clinic which is rude in my opinion...

Comment #1

I see what you're saying. But this guy doesn't strike me as the "jerkish" type. Yes he did ask me a lot of pointed questions (which just means he was cutting to the chase..he's older and knows what he wants, so why waste time), not affectionate (granted, it was our 2nd date, and he has been described as "old fashioned" and not a touchy feely type of guy. I am wondering if this would change as he would get to know me, if he wanted to continue seeing me later on down the road), and he didn't introduce me (this kind of bothered me, but maybe he was nervous or didn't really know what to call me..I don't know about this one).Which is why I brought up the question, maybe he is shy, and this tough guy image is just that..an image. He's kind of jockish, and more than likely does not know how to relate to girls. The fact he asked some of those questions makes me think he does want to start a family and eventually get married one day.

It could be I am making him nervous or I am sending some bad signals..I don't know. It is pretty early on in the dating (online dating with Match.com) process and maybe he feels he wants to take more time. Only time will tell I guess. But as of now I am wondering if I should text him maybe Mon. or Tues.

I figured if he communicates to me, then I could casually bring up dinner. But I am unsure of the response What do you think?..

Comment #2

You are obviously okay with him not being touchy feely and his direct manner of speech with you, which is important..

Nerves do play a part in how some people behave on their first few dates. Sometimes people overcompensate and they nauseate their date using Match.com by being too touchy feely or too overly polite or they stiffen up and then act like this is the first date using Match.com they have ever had in their lives.  So it's good that you are willing to give it a chance before jumping to conclusions..

I always prefer a telephone call to a text because it is more personal and I feel people bond closer that way.  Did he say that he would call you when gets back in town from his clinic?  If he said he would, then give him a chance to call you.  If he didnt say anything then why not give him a call and see if he's hungry!  Does he like to cook?  If so, then you could cook something together as a date.  If he turns you down and doesnt suggest another day/time to schedule a date, chances are good he is not all that interested - and you can ask him if that is so.  If he turns you down but suggests another day of the week, then things look good. ..

Comment #3

That's really good advice. He didn't say he would call or anything when he got back. So I was going to give it a day or two before I called to see if maybe he wanted to meet for a bite to eat after work or something.It's hard to cook together because I live about 30 minutes away from where I work and he works in the same town as I do (though he said on our date using Match.com that I should move closer to work).The only thing that really bothers me about this is the fact the relationship (thru Match.com) is going sooooo slow. Granted, I did hear he is "old fashioned" and really "laid back." But I am wondering why he is taking it so slow. At times I had thought, well he may not be interested, then he'll do something to make me think otherwise. Maybe he is just a slow mover and as stated above, maybe shy...and finds it hard to make a move so soon after our first real date.

We'll see how this week goes..

Comment #4

I'm not sure how old fashioned and laid back compute to moving slow with a relationship.  In what way is it moving slow?  Amount of time spent together, emotional intimacy or closeness, physical intimacy, or just his actions to indicate interest..like making sure that he asks you out in advance for the weekend?.

If a guy is not interested sometimes he just lets things wane, like not calling as much or getting together as much and decreasing phone time.  Other guys do stupid things so that you can see that they dont care hoping you dump them so they dont have to deal with a scene with a breakup conversation..

Lots of jock types dont seem to need a GF. they have their sports, their teams and teammates and their buddies.  Hopefully this guy is different...

Comment #5

Well, I have reached the end of this rollercoaster. I texted him Tuesday to see if he wanted to grab a bite to eat after work this week (I also made sure to text him at lunch b/c then I knew he would get it), and it is now Wednesday night and no response. I guess I should have seen this coming.The thing that bothers me is after our date using Match.com last week, he did show signs of interest by texting twice and then I talked to him that night and he was normal. But after that, basically nothing happened. He was out of town that weekend so I didn't text him again till Tuesday..which brings me to today..no response.I've decided it's best not to pursue this further. I believe if someone wants to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) they will try to give at least 50/50.

I was initiating, I was calling, I was texting, he took me out on the date, but I initiated the date. A friend of mine who knows him said that he had always been "the cute guy" in school and the girls would chase him.But I am not a "chaser." And I think to be in a relationship, you shouldn't have to be. It should come natural. I also shouldn't have to continually remind this guy of my existence. With that said, I am cutting off all communication with him and trying to forget about him.

If he does decide to ever communicate back to me, then I will talk to him but he better have a darn good explanation, and we would definately have to have a talk about his communication skills and where he sees this going. But more than likely, I will not be hearing from him.With that said, I still am really bummed about this one. We had a lot in common and could have done a lot of fun stuff together. It also makes me look back and realize this is the 2nd guy recently that has done this to me. What's wrong with me? I really do consider myself low maintenance, and I am pretty easy to get a long with....So what now??..

Comment #6

Sorry to hear about your disappointment.   It is not you, but maybe you are more willing to give things a chance or time for things to develop when the other person feels or sees that the fit between the two of you isnt right and would like to pull away sooner...

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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