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Should I wink or email on Match.com?

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My question is: Should I wink or email on Match.com?.

My 2nd question is: Last Spring I started seeing this guy about 2 months. After a few months we stopped for a bit and got stuck in friends mode and then we started again off and on again but there was always a mutual attraction between us and we still kept being intimate from time to time. I went abroad in November and December and he subletted my apartment from meI didnt ask questions as to who else would be staying (or visiting) there. We werent exclusive and I assumed he saw other people, although he never talked about it to me. A few days ago I returned. He picked me up from the airport, which was a great favor and invited me to a New Years eve party the following night.

When we got to the party there was this woman there, and before long I realized she was his girlfriend. I didnt know anyone else at the party, it was all her friends and so I felt very uneasy being there on what appeared to be an intimate date using Match.com with his girlfriend and family. He sensed my unease and invited me to sit next to him and we talked for a while as his girlfriend circulated amongst other guests. Although she put on a happy face I could tell she was uneasy about all this private conversation I was having with him so I felt like an intruder at her party. Eventually she sat down on the other side of him and then they started being affectionate with each other right in front of me.even kissing.

I tried to hide it but apparently it still mustve showed. She asked if everything was alright with meI couldnt tell if it was out of genuine concern or amusement. When she got up to circulate around again, he said it looked like I wasnt having a good time. I explained to him that although it was very nice to have invited me to the party, I wish he wouldve let me know ahead of time that he would be there with his girlfriend. He said he understood but I could tell that he didnt think he had done anything wrong or think that I had a reason to be reacting that way.

He walked me out the front and offered to wait with me for the cab but I insisted he return to the party. He could tell I was upset, but didnt offer an apology and again I felt like my feelings were being invalidated. Im not sure why he thought I wouldnt mind that scenario. Yes, we had become friends but occasionally got together still. We had been considering being partners in a business venture he was starting, but I now realize that would not be a good thing for me.

I think the least he could do is apologize for having put me in such an awkward situation without consulting me beforehand. Or show some sympathy for how the whole thing made me feel. It just seems so bluntly obvious to me that it was not cool for him and his girlfriend to be showing PDA and making out in front of my faceright next to me. But his lack of compassion toward my feelings has me questioning myself. Do I not have a reason to feel this way? Should I have played it cool and hid my feelings better?..

Comments (4)

Yes, i've come to that conclusion as well.....that he is completely selfish. Its a big disappointment and I don't want to spend more time thinking about him or that night. But, he is someone that I had really come to trust as a person and as a friend. He is someone that had really been there for me and who I viewed in a very positive way. I live in a foreign country...far away from family and close friends, so any friendship I make here is all the more crushing when I get let down in some way. I can't get over that he would put me in that situation and act as if it's no big deal...

Comment #1

While I can totally understand your feeligns on this, they are somewhat over the top, since you asked..

You weren't exclusive, you weren't dating, you only "got together" every so often, apparently sex was involved, but also apparently not affection..

So he invited you to A party.  As a friend, since neither of you had made a real move to be anything more, and it was his girlfriend's party at that.  What may make you feel better is the highly probable fact that he didn't do this, nor be affectionate with his own girlfriend "right in front of your face" in order to cause you pain or to spite you realize that you thinking that way is what's causing you the pain, so it's entirely your decision, but I'm fairly positive it was neither selfish nor malicious, just desperately clueless on his part..

He thought you were ONLY friends at this point, so why on earth would a friend be upset about him and his own girlfriend?  IF there had been something more significant between you he probably would have done exceptionally well to let you know it would be his girlfriend's party, but again, since to him you're only a friend, that's not exactly a mandatory bit of information on his part, do you see?.

Apart from the sex every so often, did you give him any indication that you had deeper feelings for him?  If not, then how exactly is he supposed to divinate how you felt towards him?.

Good luck in the New Year,.

 CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) DoyenneRead This First:  How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.  Tom Robbins..

Comment #2

Well, after some time has passed my feelings on this have cooled down and for the sake of maintaining our friendship I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that he truly didn't mean to hurt me. Still, I just don't see why he couldn't have mentioned the fact that it was his girlfriends party, rather than just referring to her by name. That is usually the normal thing to do, even amongst friends. I'd been away for 2 months so there was no way for me to know that he had started a relationship (thru Match.com) during that time. In the past we had in fact been dating (online dating with Match.com) and were not just a random hook-up for each other. In fact we saw each other regularly and quite a bit.

He had brought me into his circle of family and close friends who all knew that we were seeing each other, and even now I have formed close friendships with many of them. But you are right in that I had been hiding my feelings for him. All along I had been very emotionally guarded. A few days after the party we talked and he even mentioned that he had never known what I felt for him and he had tried to have a discussion about it when we were still seeing each other. He also said that he hadn't meant to hurt me by inviting me along that night and just thought it was something I might enjoy.

When I asked "is this over the top" I was referring to what he had done, not about my own feelings. I still think it was pretty normal for me to feel that way in what was an incredibly awkward situation, and at the very least I did manage to stay calms and make a graceful exit to another party...without anyone (other than him) realizing that I was upset...

Comment #3

Why he didn't is fairly irrelevant at this juncture, he simply didn't and by doing so didn't intend to hurt you..

....."I'd been away for 2 months so there was no way for me to know that he had started a relationship (thru Match.com) during that time.".....  See, this is what gets me, because how did you not know what was going on in his life if you felt about him the way you did even before you went away?  There are phones, there is email, Skype (web cam phone), any number of different ways you two missed out on using.  Was there simply 'no' communication at all between you in those two months?  Did he know he was supposed to wait for you until you got home?  Was there some kind of discussion prior to you leaving?.

What I'm getting at is that you got upset over something that only you knew about, mainly, your hurt feelings over him not telling you he had a girlfriend and that in the future, you would do really well for yourself and possibly avoid anything like this from reocurring if you're not quite so "guarded about your feelings and opening up in a relationship." .

As far as your clarified headline question was what he did over the top?  No, most definitively not.  He apparently thought that whatever had transpired between you two prior to you leaving for two months was over when you left and so he started dating (online dating with Match.com) someone new. .

Your feelings were normal because of what you felt for him, however, since you didn't tell him about these feelings of yours, the fact that you inadvertently were hurt by his actions actually falls squarely back on you.  Hopefully now you'll know it's best to open up rather than let someone guess wrong..

Best of luck,.

 CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) DoyenneRead This First:  How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.  Tom Robbins..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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